& Narrator: It was Christmas Eve, and all the children were in high spirits... That special time of year when Boston children gather together... and beat up the Jewish kids.
& Narrator: Well, let me put it this way. No matter how big a splash you make in this world, whether you’re Corey Feldman, Frankie Muniz, Justin Bieber, or a talking teddy bear... eventually, nobody gives a shit.
& John: Let me ask you something. You don’t think she’s going to be expecting something big, do you?
Ted: What, like anal?
John: No, like a fucking circular gold thing on her finger.
Ted: Oh, fuck that! It’s been four years, Johnny. You and me have been together for 27 years. Where’s my ring? Where’s my ring, asshole? Where’s my ring, motherfucker?
& Ted: Hey, Johnny, how about a beer? A couple of Charles Brew-kowskis?
John: Couple of Brew-stoyevskis?
Ted: Maybe a Mike Brew-gaslowski?
John: Perhaps a Tedy Brew-ski?
Ted: That’s a good one.
Lori: You know what, I think I, too, want a Martina Navrati-brewski.
John: No, that doesn’t work.
Ted: Don’t ruin it. No.
Lori: Bullshit! That totally works.
Ted: No, no.
Lori: Yeah, it does.
John: It doesn’t work. The name has to have a “ski” at the end of it and you just put “brewski” at the end of “Martina Navratilova,” so...
Lori: I just thought we were saying funny names.
Ted: No, it has to have a “ski” at the end of it. Otherwise, where’s the challenge? If there’s no “ski” at the end of the root word then we would just be idiots saying nonsense.
& Rex: If we were together, our babies would be spectacular. With my top-of-the-pyramid Caucasian genes and your splash of dark, beautiful, smoky... Baltic? Czech?
& Ted: I’m not gay.
John: I know.
Ted: And you’re not gay, so we’re fine.
& Ted: I don’t want to work at a grocery store.
John: Yeah, but you have no skills.
Ted: I told you, I can totally be a lawyer.
& Manager: So you think you got what it takes?
Ted: I’ll tell you what I got. Your wife’s pussy on my breath.
Manager: ... Nobody’s ever talked to me like that before.
Ted: That’s ’cause everyone’s mouth is usually full of your wife’s box.
Manager: You’re hired.
& Ted: Let’s just find a better place to get stoned.
& Manager: You had sexual intercourse with a co-worker on top of the produce that we sell to the public?!
Ted: I fucked her with a parsnip* last week and I sold the parsnip to a family with four small children.
Manager: That took guts. We need guts. I’m promoting you.
& John: Do you know what just happened? Do you have any clue? My fucking life just ended!
Ted: Come on. She’ll go home, she’ll watch Bridget Jones-something-asshole. She’ll have a good cry, she’ll be fine. You’ll talk to her tomorrow.
& Ted: Look, Lori, you want him to be a man. But as long as he’s got his teddy bear, he’s always going to be a boy.
& Ted: “Michelob Ultra Tuscan Orange Grapefruit...” My God, America is imploding.
& Ted: Can you just email me the rest of this story?
& Ted: Jesus, I look like the robot from Aliens.
--
parsnip — пастернак
+ quotes on the IMDb
Soundtrack
& Narrator: Well, let me put it this way. No matter how big a splash you make in this world, whether you’re Corey Feldman, Frankie Muniz, Justin Bieber, or a talking teddy bear... eventually, nobody gives a shit.
& John: Let me ask you something. You don’t think she’s going to be expecting something big, do you?
Ted: What, like anal?
John: No, like a fucking circular gold thing on her finger.
Ted: Oh, fuck that! It’s been four years, Johnny. You and me have been together for 27 years. Where’s my ring? Where’s my ring, asshole? Where’s my ring, motherfucker?
& Ted: Hey, Johnny, how about a beer? A couple of Charles Brew-kowskis?
John: Couple of Brew-stoyevskis?
Ted: Maybe a Mike Brew-gaslowski?
John: Perhaps a Tedy Brew-ski?
Ted: That’s a good one.
Lori: You know what, I think I, too, want a Martina Navrati-brewski.
John: No, that doesn’t work.
Ted: Don’t ruin it. No.
Lori: Bullshit! That totally works.
Ted: No, no.
Lori: Yeah, it does.
John: It doesn’t work. The name has to have a “ski” at the end of it and you just put “brewski” at the end of “Martina Navratilova,” so...
Lori: I just thought we were saying funny names.
Ted: No, it has to have a “ski” at the end of it. Otherwise, where’s the challenge? If there’s no “ski” at the end of the root word then we would just be idiots saying nonsense.
& Rex: If we were together, our babies would be spectacular. With my top-of-the-pyramid Caucasian genes and your splash of dark, beautiful, smoky... Baltic? Czech?
& Ted: I’m not gay.
John: I know.
Ted: And you’re not gay, so we’re fine.
& Ted: I don’t want to work at a grocery store.
John: Yeah, but you have no skills.
Ted: I told you, I can totally be a lawyer.
& Manager: So you think you got what it takes?
Ted: I’ll tell you what I got. Your wife’s pussy on my breath.
Manager: ... Nobody’s ever talked to me like that before.
Ted: That’s ’cause everyone’s mouth is usually full of your wife’s box.
Manager: You’re hired.
& Ted: Let’s just find a better place to get stoned.
& Manager: You had sexual intercourse with a co-worker on top of the produce that we sell to the public?!
Ted: I fucked her with a parsnip* last week and I sold the parsnip to a family with four small children.
Manager: That took guts. We need guts. I’m promoting you.
& John: Do you know what just happened? Do you have any clue? My fucking life just ended!
Ted: Come on. She’ll go home, she’ll watch Bridget Jones-something-asshole. She’ll have a good cry, she’ll be fine. You’ll talk to her tomorrow.
& Ted: Look, Lori, you want him to be a man. But as long as he’s got his teddy bear, he’s always going to be a boy.
& Ted: “Michelob Ultra Tuscan Orange Grapefruit...” My God, America is imploding.
& Ted: Can you just email me the rest of this story?
& Ted: Jesus, I look like the robot from Aliens.
--
parsnip — пастернак
+ quotes on the IMDb
Soundtrack
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