15 нояб. 2012 г.

Ted

& Narrator: It was Christmas Eve, and all the children were in high spirits... That special time of year when Boston children gather together... and beat up the Jewish kids.

& Narrator: Well, let me put it this way. No matter how big a splash you make in this world, whether you’re Corey Feldman, Frankie Muniz, Justin Bieber, or a talking teddy bear... eventually, nobody gives a shit.

& John: Let me ask you something. You don’t think she’s going to be expecting something big, do you?
    Ted: What, like anal?
    John: No, like a fucking circular gold thing on her finger.
    Ted: Oh, fuck that! It’s been four years, Johnny. You and me have been together for 27 years. Where’s my ring? Where’s my ring, asshole? Where’s my ring, motherfucker?

& Ted: Hey, Johnny, how about a beer? A couple of Charles Brew-kowskis?
    John: Couple of Brew-stoyevskis?
    Ted: Maybe a Mike Brew-gaslowski?
    John: Perhaps a Tedy Brew-ski?
    Ted: That’s a good one.
    Lori: You know what, I think I, too, want a Martina Navrati-brewski.
    John: No, that doesn’t work.
    Ted: Don’t ruin it. No.
    Lori: Bullshit! That totally works.
    Ted: No, no.
    Lori: Yeah, it does.
    John: It doesn’t work. The name has to have a “ski” at the end of it and you just put “brewski” at the end of “Martina Navratilova,” so...
    Lori: I just thought we were saying funny names.
    Ted: No, it has to have a “ski” at the end of it. Otherwise, where’s the challenge? If there’s no “ski” at the end of the root word then we would just be idiots saying nonsense.

& Rex: If we were together, our babies would be spectacular. With my top-of-the-pyramid Caucasian genes and your splash of dark, beautiful, smoky... Baltic? Czech?

& Ted: I’m not gay.
    John: I know.
    Ted: And you’re not gay, so we’re fine.


& Ted: I don’t want to work at a grocery store.
    John: Yeah, but you have no skills.
    Ted: I told you, I can totally be a lawyer.

& Manager: So you think you got what it takes?
    Ted: I’ll tell you what I got. Your wife’s pussy on my breath.
    Manager: ... Nobody’s ever talked to me like that before.
    Ted: That’s ’cause everyone’s mouth is usually full of your wife’s box.
    Manager: You’re hired.

& Ted: Let’s just find a better place to get stoned.

& Manager: You had sexual intercourse with a co-worker on top of the produce that we sell to the public?!
    Ted: I fucked her with a parsnip* last week and I sold the parsnip to a family with four small children.
    Manager: That took guts. We need guts. I’m promoting you.

& John: Do you know what just happened? Do you have any clue? My fucking life just ended!
    Ted: Come on. She’ll go home, she’ll watch Bridget Jones-something-asshole. She’ll have a good cry, she’ll be fine. You’ll talk to her tomorrow.

& Ted: Look, Lori, you want him to be a man. But as long as he’s got his teddy bear, he’s always going to be a boy.

& Ted: “Michelob Ultra Tuscan Orange Grapefruit...” My God, America is imploding.

& Ted: Can you just email me the rest of this story?

& Ted: Jesus, I look like the robot from Aliens.


--
parsnip — пастернак

+ quotes on the IMDb

Soundtrack

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