Rough Night in Hump Junction

Two and a Half Men 5×15

& Charlie: Alan, I need to talk to you.
    Alan: Okay.
    Charlie: Alone.
    Jake: Gotta be about sex...
    Alan: Take a hike.
    Jake: I’m 14. You’re not protecting me anymore.
    Alan: Jake!
    Jake: This is just a pathetic sham.

& Alan: You realize that’s three in one day.
    Charlie: Depends how you count. I make it out to be seven. Or eight. I should carry a clicker.

& Alan: Berta, have you noticed anything different about Charlie lately?
    Berta: What did you mean?
    Alan: Well, he’s always been promiscuous... but I’m starting to think I should hide my bowling ball.

& Alan: Have you seen him act this way before?
    Berta: Well, when Viagra first came out, I thought he was gonna die. Know how they say if your erection lasts for more than four hours... you should call your doctor? He’d just call another girl. For a while there, he had to stand on his head to take a leak.

& Berta: Rough night in Hump Junction?
    Charlie: No, it was good. I just had a little accident. I tried to pick my lady friend up and put her on the bureau... and now I can’t find one of my testicles.
    Alan: Oh, Charlie.
    Charlie: I don’t think I really lost it. It’s kind of like your keys. Even if you can’t put your hands on them... you know they gotta be somewhere.
    Berta: That is something you do not wanna find in the vacuum bag.

& Alan: I feel like I should do something.
    Berta: The way he’s been acting, if I were you... I’d start sleeping on my back wearing a catcher’s mask.

---

& Alan: Charlie, don’t you think you need to slow down a bit?
    Charlie: Why would I wanna do that?
    Alan: Oh, come on. Is this lifestyle actually making you happy?
    Charlie: Let me answer that question with another question. Who would you rather be? You or me?
    Alan: You’re kidding, right? You have two black eyes and you’re perched on a scrotum cozy....... You.

& Alan: Charlie, don’t you see what’s happening to you?
    Charlie: Nothing’s happening, except I offered to buy a policewoman a $500 martini.

& Dr. Linda: So, Charlie, what’s been going on?
    Charlie: Well... I’ve got a new career.
    Dr. Linda: As a crash-test dummy?
    Charlie: Writing songs for little kids... Turns out immature minds respond to me.

& Charlie: My ex-fiancée’s getting married. I’ve been dating. Nothing serious. And as you can see, I’ve had a couple of mishaps.
    Dr. Linda: Well, except for the facial lacerations and the rectal doughnut... hardly noticeable.
    Charlie: It’s actually a testicular doughnut.
    Dr. Linda: What’s the difference?
    Charlie: About that much.

& Charlie: Man, you shrinks wanna bring everything back to feelings, don’t you?
    Dr. Linda: Think it has anything to do with your toilet training?
    Charlie: No.
    Dr. Linda: Then I guess we’re stuck with feelings.

& Dr. Linda: The only reason you’re not sitting here weeping... is because it’s too painful for you.
    Charlie: I’m sorry. I just can’t see it.
    Dr. Linda: You can’t see it because your penis is in the way.
    Charlie: Thank you.
    Dr. Linda: Not a compliment, Charlie.
    Charlie: Says you.

& Mia: What are you doing here?
    Charlie: I came to get you back.
    Mia: Are you out of your mind?
    Charlie: No, no. I got the idea from my shrink.

& Charlie: I learned something about myself. I learned why I screw around so much. ... I think I’ve spent my whole life... trying to fill the empty space in myself by, you know...
    Alan: Filling the empty space in others?
    Charlie: Exactly.
    Alan: That’s quite an insight.
    Charlie: Well, I’m deep in therapy now.

& Alan: So, what are you gonna do?
    Charlie: Well, I thought I’d find some chick with a big heart and a tiny ass... and marry her.

& Alan: Well, sounds like you’ve got everything figured out.
    Charlie: You don’t ever figure this stuff out, Alan. You just take little baby steps on a lifelong path to becoming a better man.
    Alan: How many pain pills have you taken?
    Charlie: Nine.

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On the IMDb