Look at Me, Mommy, I’m Pretty

Two and a Half Men 5×16

& Evelyn: Alan ... always been stingy. I remember once when he was a little boy, he accidentally swallowed a quarter. Refused to poop for a week.
    Alan: Mom, for God’s sakes, this is my future stepsister!
    Courtney: Oh, relax, Alan. I think it’s cute.
    Evelyn: Cute? He’s so tight, I wouldn’t have been surprised if only two dimes came out.

& Evelyn: You’re like the daughter I never had. Not that he didn’t try... You should have seen him parading around in my earrings and my high heels. “Look at me, Mommy, I’m pretty.” He wasn’t, of course... Oh, darling, I’m just teasing you! You’re ’all man.’
    Alan: Thanks. Okay, let’s talk appetizers.

& Charlie: Hey, Alan, how long do I have before Bridezilla gets here?

& Alan: If Mom’s got so much money, how come we still get books for Christmas?
    Charlie: Let it go, Alan. Whatever money she has most likely has got an ancient curse attached to it.

---

& Charlie: What do you want?
    Rose: Right now or long-term?
    Charlie: Rose!
    Rose: I’ve just been watching you for an hour and 38 minutes, and I felt bad for you. I thought maybe you could use some help.
    Charlie: Thanks, but I’m fine.
    Rose: Really? Did you bring water?
    Charlie: No.
    Rose: Trail mix?
    Charlie: No.
    Rose: Pee jar?
    Charlie: That would have been a great idea.
    Rose: Here you go.

& Rose: Night-vision goggles?
    Charlie: I don’t think so.
    Rose: You say that now... but if you hide in her trunk and wanna do a little light reading... you’re gonna be sorry.

& Charlie: I can’t get her out of my mind. I go to sleep thinking about her, I wake up thinking about her.The other day, I stumbled into a three-way...
    Alan: How do you stumble into a three-way?!
    Charlie: It’s usually a roommate thing. You read about sisters, but that almost never happens.

& Teddy: “...And the lovemaking... what can I say about the lovemaking?” I can’t say this.
    Evelyn: If you don’t, I will.
    Teddy: “As I explored every inch of your firm, non-surgically-enhanced body... I finally learned the meaning of the words ’heaven on earth’... and ’natural redhead.’ In the words of the Bard:
                ’Shall I compare thee to the summer’s day?
                 Thou art more lovely and more temperate.
                 Rough winds do shake
                 The darling buds of May’”
                 Will you marry me?

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On the IMDb