Ow, Ow, Don't Stop

Two and a Half Men 8×10

& Berta: I’ve been looking forward to this all year: Giving you people the bird.
    Alan: Looks great, Berta. What’s your secret?
    Berta: I bought it pre-cooked from the back of a truck. I don’t know that I’d trust the stuffing.

& Charlie: I won a bundle at the roulette table betting the color of her underwear.
    Alan: Red or black?
    Charlie: Double zero.
    Alan: .... What color is that?
    Charlie: Ass cheeks.

& Charlie: I just had the best three days of my life... Have you ever had a woman give you Japanese rain goggles?
    Alan: I’ve never even heard of that.
    Charlie: Neither had I until last night, and now I don’t know how I lived without them.

& Charlie: ... Have fun.
    Alan: “Have fun”? You gave her the keys to your Mercedes and an unlimited credit card.
    Charlie: Yeah, so? That’s fun.
    Alan: Can’t you see she’s using you?
    Charlie: You should have seen the way she used me last night... In fact, you can.

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& Evelyn: I’m sure he can take care of himself.
    Alan: I’m not sure. You should see the way she’s sucking him dry.
    Evelyn: I should hope so.
    Alan: Mom!..
    Evelyn: Alan. There’s not much you can do... when a grasping, greedy woman sinks her claws into a vulnerable man.

& Alan: You know what? I’ll just go. Nice to see you, Mr. Pepper.
    Mr. Pepper: Mr. Pepper was my father. Just call me “the guy banging your mother.”
    Alan: .... I think I’ll stick with Mr. Pepper.

& Charlie: That’s it for me. No more meaningful relationships. I’m gonna stick with the honesty and integrity... of the traditional hooker-john arrangement... Sometimes the old ways are best.

& Berta: I ain’t cleaning that up!

& Alan: You’re a very lucky guy, Charlie.
    Charlie: I ran through a plate-glass window and you puked in my piano. How is that lucky?
    Alan: You could have bled to death and I could’ve vomited on my suede shoes.
    Charlie: Those are my shoes.
    Alan: Which is why you’re lucky.

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On the IMDb