Two and a Half Men 1x9

Phase One, Complete

& Charlie: Did you see that?! She’s wearing an apron. In my house! Do you know what that means?

& Wendy: Are you sure that you don’t want me to stay and do the dishes?
    Charlie: Positive. Alan would just re-wash them anyways.

& Alan: I gotta tell you, Charlie. I think that girl’s a keeper.
    Charlie: You think so?
    Alan: Yeah, she’s smart, she’s pretty, and I think she really likes you.
    Charlie: Be honest, Alan. You married the first girl who slipped you the tongue, didn’t you?.. Trust me, this woman has a plan. And it’s diabolical in its Machiavellian scope.
    Alan: I did not marry the first girl who slipped me the tongue.

& Rose: Howdy, neighbor.
    Alan: Charlie’s busy right now, Rose.
    Rose: I know. White Toyota hasn’t budged an inch two nights in a row. I chalked her tires.

& Rose: You and I have a lot in common, don’t we?
    Alan: How so?
    Rose: We’re both like two lonely socks that want desperately to keep someone’s feet warm. But we don’t match up with any other socks. So all we can hope for is to be a dust mitten, or a hand puppet.

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& Judith: When I was pregnant with Charlie, we thought he was gonna be a girl. The sonogram showed no discernible penis whatsoever.

& Charlie: Now do you believe me? First she sucks in Jake, then you, now Mom. She’s like one of those pods from outer space. But, you know, with a cute ass.
    Alan: She wouldn’t even be here now if you hadn’t taken her upstairs last night.
    Charlie: That was not my fault. You saw how she kissed me.

& Judith: Go put on some pants, Charlie.
    Charlie: But, Mom, I...
    Judith: Now! You have to be firm with him. By the way, your nose is adorable. I’m guessing Dr. Shapiro?
    Wendy: No, it’s mine.
    Judith: Sometimes God does good work, too.

& Jake: I think she’s really great.
    Charlie: Me, too.
    Jake: When’s she coming back?
    Charlie: Let’s see. Today’s Sunday, so... Never.

& Charlie: Let’s see. One Russian blonde... One Scottish brunette... And a full-bodied redhead from Napa Valley... Charlie’s angels.

& Charlie: The problem is with me. Your Uncle Charlie has major trust issues with women. And I think it might have something to do with my relationship with my mom.
    Jake: I understand.
    Charlie: Do you?
    Jake: No, I’m just tired and I don’t care anymore.

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+ quotes on the Imdb.