Two and a Half Men 1x7

If They Do Go Either Way, They're Usually Fake

& Jake: I have my own room at Mom’s house, too. My dad doesn’t. His stuff’s in the garage.

& Alan: Come on, let’s go.
    Jake: What happened to “Breakfast is the most important meal of the day”?
    Alan: Just go get dressed.

& Alan: Charlie, there is a half-naked woman in our kitchen.
    Charlie: Which half?

& Alan: So you’re not sleeping with her?
    Charlie: Jeez, Alan, I don’t sleep with every buff surfer chick that uses my shower. What kind of guy do you think I am?
    Alan: I think you’re the luckiest bastard to walk the face of the earth, but, that’s not my point. I don’t want women flashing their butt tattoos at my son.
    Charlie: Cindy has a tattoo?
    Alan: Yes, a butterfly.
    Charlie: Right cheek or left? No, wait, don’t tell me. I want to be surprised.
    Alan: So you’re not sleeping with her, but you want to.
    Charlie: Yeah. What kind of guy do you think I am?

& Alan: When I moved in here, I said it was vital that we create a wholesome atmosphere for Jake. And you said, “I understand.”
    Charlie: Alan, there’s something you should know about me. When I say I understand, it doesn’t mean I agree. It doesn’t mean I understand. It doesn’t even mean I’m listening.
    Alan: Then why do you say it?
    Charlie: It seems to make people happy, and that’s what I’m all about.

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& Alan: I would prefer if you’d just be straight with me.
    Charlie: Fine.
    Alan: All I’m asking is that you keep in mind that we have an impressionable 10-year-old boy living here.
    Charlie: I understand.

& Judith: Jake’s fourth grade class was given a simple assignment. Draw something
interesting you see around the house. One child drew a record player, another drew a parrot. My son drew this... A woman’s behind with a butterfly tattoo.
    Charlie: On the right cheek... I’ll have to just act surprised.

& Alan: Are you happy?
    Charlie: I have my moments, but they’re becoming further apart.

& Alan: Jake, sit down.
    Jake: Am I in trouble?
    Alan: No. It’s perfectly natural for you to be interested in women’s bodies.
    Jake: Great. I’ll be in my room.
    Alan: Wait. Let’s talk a minute here. I don’t mind you looking at these pictures, but it’s important that you know what they mean.
    Charlie: I’d like to know that, too, Alan.

& Alan: What I’m trying to explain to Jake is that this is not what regular women look like.
    Jake: Then why don’t they use regular women?
    Alan: Because the only way regular women can sell magazines is door-to-door. My point is that these women are three-dimensional human beings. They’re not just sex objects.
    Charlie: Which explains why this one’s on all fours in the surf.

& Charlie: I think you’re being very unfair. These women worked very hard, ate very little, and spent a lot of money to become sex objects. Those breasts alone cost $10,000.
    Jake: You can buy these?!

& Alan: What really matters, Jake, is what’s inside a person. See, that’s the lesson here. Do you get what I’m saying?
    Jake: I think so.
    Alan: You’re sure? There’s nothing to be embarrassed about. I mean... Do you have any questions?
    Jake: Just one.
    Alan: Fire away.
    Jake: Can I have my magazine back?

& Charlie: The jogger. The one on the left.
    Jake: Real?
    Charlie: Good eye. With the sports bra, that could have gone either way. Of course, if they do go either way, they’re usually fake.

& Jake: Fake... Real...
    Judith: Jake!
    Jake: Who does she think she’s kidding with those things?..
    Judith: Jake, I swear, if you don’t stop it, I’m taking you home.
I understand.

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