House M.D. 8x1

Woo-hoo! Go, House, go!

Twenty Vicodin

& Warden: Are you sorry about what you did?
    House: Yes.
    Case worker: ’Yes’?
    House: That’s the correct answer, isn’t it?
    Case worker: Are you trying to annoy us?
    House: No, I’m just trying to give you the answers you need to cover your asses, fill out your forms, and let me out of here.
    Case worker: We need you to show us remorse.
    House: Is that how our system works? Release the best actors? I shudder to think what that world would be like.

& Warden: Shut up. We got an order to reduce overcrowding. But let me be clear... you mouth off to one guard, we catch you with a single cafeteria tray in your cell, you break any rules I don’t even remember, you can park your ass here for four more months. So forget being sorry. Can you stay out of trouble for five days?
    House: ... Yes.

& — Why you keep helping him out?
    House: Yeah, why would I wanna make sure that my homicidal cellmate is taking the right anti-psychotics?..

& House: You really got a thing for swastikas, Mendelson. Like an ironic thing?
    Mendelson: It’s a German name.
    House: So is “House.” I’m Jewish. Nah, I’m a black, gay gypsy.

& Pillpopper: You’re House, right? I got these weird pains in my elbows and in my knees...
    House: You know, what’s weirder is how the clinic is a large room and you somehow confused me with it. Although, to be fair, I am large.

& Dr. Adams: How do you know about ceftriaxone?
    Dr. Sykes: House used to be a doctor.
    House: Not going back, and that look of shock is elitist and offensive. Doctors can be degenerates. This is America.

& Frankie: That was stupid.
    House: Is that, like, a synonym for “clever”? By the time they get out of solitary, I’ll be teaching physics at the University of Fiji.
    Frankie: You have four days left. How many more tricks do you got?..

& Cellmate: Don’t.

& Pillpopper: You don’t believe me?
    House: Belief implies a level of giving a crap that I am never gonna achieve.

---

& House: It’s not that I was trying to prove that you’re an idiot or anything, but lupus boy and I were at the beach this morning, and I noticed a rash on his left thigh.

& Adams: Why are you so sure I’m gonna do what you say?
    House: Because you’re a smart, old-money, trust-fund girl who took this job because your liberal ideology makes you wanna make a difference, but you’re already getting bored, and this is interesting.
    Adams: Why would you say any of that?
    House: Your shoes... a different, expensive pair every day, but never leather, which means you’re both rich and liberal. Antique locket... it’s unpolished gold. Not some hipster thing. It’s a family heirloom, which means old money. Osler scarf... only on Fridays, which means you did your residency at Hopkins, which means you’re smarter than our interactions would so far indicate. And your eyes... the only time you haven’t looked bored in the three months since you’ve been here is when we’ve been discussing this diagnosis. So, yeah, you’ll treat him for lupus.

& House: What if I just go into protective custody, spend the next three days in the hole?
    Mendelson: Oh, you could P.C. up... But then you’ll get out,
and unlike you... I got friends on the outside.

& House: That’s not lupus.
    Pillpopper: Is that good?
    House: Does it feel good?

& House: Listen, I’m trying to listen to your lungs, not your self-pity.

& Pillpopper: So I for sure got lung cancer?
    Adams: No.
    House: Yeah.

& Pillpopper: Is this supposed to happen?
    Adams: Cool.

& House: Jiminy didn’t chirp much last night. If it’s a disease, then he’s six inches under. But this could also be pesticide poisoning... Which bicarbonate of soda has been used to treat. See? Just so much and no more. Mm... This is where you say “thank you.” ... Or I say thank you for not killing me. ... Thank you.

& House: You trust me?
    Adams: Any reason I shouldn’t?
    House: You’re really not good at reading people, are you? Or buildings.
    Adams: People are complicated. And people change.
    House: Not that much to the first, and not at all to the second.

& House: There’s a reason we’re locked away from nice, normal people. Your life outside is over. Your friends, your girl, everyone you worked with, they’ve moved on.
    Pillpopper: ... Get out of my house.

& Adams: I feel stupid. It... it doesn’t even make sense. Why are you doing time? You didn’t have any priors. You didn’t hurt anyone.
    House: ... I had a bad lawyer.

& House: Yeah, it’s always a direct order. Eight months. Haven’t heard an indirect order in here.

& Adams: I checked your file. You didn’t have a bad lawyer. You had no lawyer. You took the first deal they offered you, because you wanted to punish yourself. ... Why are you doing this?
    House: ’Cause I have a gift.

On Imdb.