Two and a Half Men 1x11

Alan Harper, Frontier Chiropractor

& Alan: Wow, look at you. New hair, clothes. You look... Wow.
    Judith: Thank you.
    Charlie: No, thank you. It’s a public service when a gay chick goes lipstick instead of lumberjack.

& Alan: That two-faced, wife-poaching, soccer-coaching, rat-bastard!

& Charlie: Alan, it’s no big deal. Women get to experiment with their sexuality. It’s only guys who have to make a choice and stick to it.
    Alan: Where do you get this stuff?
    Charlie: I make it up.

& Charlie: Anyway, it doesn’t matter what Judith is. It only matters what she’s not.
    Alan: And what is she not?
    Charlie: She is not coming back to you, pal.

& Charlie: Judith has moved on with her life, and maybe it’s time for you to do the same.
    Alan: I know. It’s just... I can’t.
    Charlie: Sure you can. I’ll help you.
    Alan: How?
    Charlie: I don’t know, by saying things like, “Sure you can. I’ll help you.”

& Charlie: Face it, Alan, you’ve been an old fart since you were 14.
    Alan: What is that supposed to mean?
    Charlie: It means, how many eighth-graders carry a briefcase and a pocket watch?
    Alan: That was the Esperanto Club look.
    Charlie: Unless you know where all the hot Esperanto chicks hang out, you’re gonna need to shake things up a little.

& Jake: She walks around the house singing all the time.
    Alan: She just sings for no reason?
    Jake: I guess.
    Charlie: I wonder if it’s the same reason I sing for no reason.

---

& Jake: I don’t want to go. I hate clothes shopping.
    Alan: You can’t stay here alone.
    Jake: Why not?
    Alan: You know why not.
    Jake: But you don’t have a turtle to put in the microwave anymore.

& Charlie: So, you ready for your big makeover?
    Alan: You know what? Actually, I am. I was up all night thinking about it.
    Charlie: All night? Maybe your money’s better spent on a hooker...

& Alan: Hi, Mom.
    Evelyn: Good, you remember me. Hello, Charlie.
    Charlie: Hey, Mom, right?

& Jake: It’s not fair, you know. I’m not getting clothes, so why do I have to go and be bored?
    Alan: You don’t, you can stay here with Grandma.
    Jake: What?!
    Evelyn: What?!
    Charlie: Have fun.
    Jake: Wait, no, I’ll be good, I swear!
    Charlie: Payback’s a bitch, buddy.

& Evelyn: I’m just spending a little quality time with my grandson. He’s an amazing boy. We’re very close, two peas in a pod. What? Hold on. Jake, how old are you?
    Jake: Ten.
    Evelyn: Seven.
    Jake: I said, “Ten.”
    Evelyn: If I’m 55, you’re seven.

& Charlie: How’s it going in there?
    Alan: Whatever happened to zippers? I miss zippers.
    Charlie: I don’t know, Alan. Maybe there were too many injuries. Nobody ever got their balls caught in a buttonhole.

& Jake: ...His name is Sponge Bob Square Pants, and his friend’s name is Patrick. He’s a starfish, and he lives on the same street Sponge Bob, and he’s unbelievably dumb. Squidward lives there, too. Of course, he’s a squid and he hates Sponge Bob, and he plays the clarinet. Both Squidward and Sponge Bob work at the Crusty Krab for Mr. Krab, who’s really cheap, but Sponge Bob doesn’t care because he just likes being a fry cook and making Krabby...
    Evelyn: So, bottom line, he’s a sponge?
    Jake: Yeah. His pants are square ’cause he’s square and so is his underwear. They’re tighty-whities, but they’re square.
    Evelyn: Oh, dear God.
    Jake: He has a pet snail named Gary, that...

& Alan: Where’s my mother?
    Jake: She left.
    Alan: Why?
    Jake: I don’t know. We were watching Sponge Bob Square Pants, and she stood up and said, “Life was too short.”

& Alan: I was married a long time, Charlie. It’s who I was, it was my identity, “Married Guy,” “Husband Man,” “Captain Dependable,” and I had a uniform. And, I don’t know, I guess, I just didn’t want to take it off.
    Charlie: ’Cause you’d lose your powers of dependability?

--
+ quotes on the Imdb.