Two and a Half Men 1x8

Twenty-five Little Pre-pubers Without a Snoot-ful

& Charlie: I understand you teachers are sadly underpaid.
    Miss Tuttle: That’s very true.
    Charlie: I’d like to do my part. Can I buy you dinner?

& Alan: Look, we’re still legally married. Frankly, I don’t buy the whole gay thing. A gay woman would not fake orgasms for 12 years just to protect my feelings.

& Charlie: Okay. Take off your seat belt.
    Alan: Why?
    Charlie: Because when I slam on the brakes, I want to watch you go through the windshield.

& Alan: I guess it’s just the two of us.
    Judith: Like the old days...
    Alan: Yeah. Except this time I’m not a virgin.

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& Alan: Oh, God.
    Charlie: What?
    Alan: It’s from Judith’s lawyers.
    Charlie: Really? Good news?

& Charlie: I don’t want to rush you or anything, but have you ever read Lord of the Flies?

& Charlie: Jake, it’s okay to feel sad, I’ve been told. And this is a sad thing.
    Jake: My dad’s not sad.
    Charlie: Of course he is. He’s just trying to protect you.
    Jake: From what?
    Charlie: From being sad... Yeah, I know it’s a vicious circle. But the liquor industry is built on it.

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On Imdb.