Two and a Half Men 1x12

Camel Filters and Pheremones

& Charlie: Berta?
    Berta: No, it’s Liz Hurley, but I’m holding water.
    Charlie: I’m still sleeping here. Could you come back in a little while?
    Berta: I could, or you could get your pampered ass out of bed and let me do my demeaning job and get on with my hellish life.
    Charlie: Excuse me, Berta, but last time I checked, you work for me. So I’ll get up when I’m good and ready.
    Berta: Sorry I had to pull rank on you.
    Charlie: Berta, for God’s sake!
    Berta: Hey, do you want clean towels? But I’m trying to do something here.

& Charlie: Is something wrong? I mean, beyond the usual demeaning-job hellish-life stuff?
    Berta: Do you really want to know?
    Charlie: No, but I’m up and my bed’s gone.
    Berta: Okay. So I told you about my daughter, right?
    Charlie: You have a daughter?
    Berta: I have three.
    Charlie: Three? Wow. You gotta start learning to say no, little lady.

& Berta: Get out of my way!
    Alan: What’s wrong with her?
    Charlie: Apparently she has children.

& Jake: Hey, Prudence, I set up my Xbox. You ready to play?
    Prudence: Sure.
    Berta: Get to work, Prudence!
    Prudence: Maybe later, handsome. Stupid old woman.
    Jake: Isn’t she wonderful?
    Alan: Dear God.
    Charlie: Oh, hell.

& Prudence: Are you in a band?
    Charlie: No.
    Prudence: I used to go out with a bass player. He wrote this beautiful song for me, called 'Dear Prudence.'
    Charlie: Yeah, that sounds like something a bass player would do.


& Berta: I gotta do some grocery shopping for your brother. I’ll be back in a little while.
    Alan: What about Prudence?
    Berta: She’ll be fine. Just keep her out of the liquor cabinet. Don’t do anything stupid or you’ll go to jail.

& Jake: Why would you go to jail?
    Alan: Well, that’s kind of complicated.
    Jake: And why was Uncle Charlie kissing Rose?
    Alan: Well, that was the...
    Jake: And what are pherobones?
    Alan: That one I know, and it’s pronounced pheromones... Never mind.

---

& Rose: So, what are we doing tonight, sweetie?
    Charlie: Rose, I really appreciate your help, but you don’t have to pretend to be my girlfriend anymore.
    Rose: Oh, no. Are you pretending to break up with me?

& Charlie: 2:00 in the morning. This better be God... Oh, God!

& Charlie: Look, Prudence, this just can’t happen. I mean, you’re very nice and pretty, but in prison, so am I...

& Alan: Sit down a minute, Jake, okay?
    Jake: Did I do something wrong?
    Alan: No. We just want to talk.
    Jake: Okay. What do you want to talk about?
    Alan: Well, you know how I’ve always told you that you should always tell your parents the truth, no matter what?
    Charlie: Well, forget it.

& Alan: Jake, it’s just that... We’re just saying a lot of things happened here this weekend, and it’s not really necessary that your mother know about them.
    Jake: So you want me to lie?
    Alan: No, it’s not really lying. When a boy becomes a man... and that’s what you’re becoming... Right, Charlie?
    Charlie: Oh, yeah, a man.
    Alan: He has to start protecting the women in his life from certain things.
    Jake: Like the truth.
    Alan: Do you understand?
    Jake: I think so. You don’t want Mom to know about Prudence and her boyfriend and everything.

& Judith: You ready to go, sweetheart?
    Jake: Yep.
    Judith: How was your weekend?
    Jake: Uncle Charlie says I don’t have to tell you.

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+ quotes on the Imdb.