Two and a Half Men 1x10

Merry Thanksgiving

& Alan: Hey, what are you doing?
    Charlie: Picking out a shirt.
    Alan: That one looks nice.
    Charlie: You like it?
    Alan: Yeah.
    Charlie: Then, no.

& Lisa: How many times did you change your shirt before you left the house?
    Charlie: I wanted to look pretty for you.
    Lisa: You’re such a girl.
    Charlie: Thanks, you, too.

& Lisa: I’m tired of doing this dance of death with you. Hooking up, breaking up, making up.
    Charlie: That’s not a dance of death. That’s the circle of life.

& Lisa: I’m moving on.
    Charlie: To what?
    Lisa: To settling down, to having a family, to not having my heart constantly broken by a man who refuses to grow up.
    Charlie: And that would be me?
    Lisa: Yes, you, you big ass.
    Charlie: But the sex was awesome though, right?

& Charlie: The important thing is, I now have a much deeper appreciation for what do you call them... traditional values.
    Lisa: “Traditional values?” This from a guy who offered my sister a car if she’d come to bed with us?
    Charlie: It was a joke, and I was drunk. But still, it shows a yearning for family.

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& Judith: You’re not taking Jake for Thanksgiving.
    Charlie: Not just Jake. You can come, too, and your parents. Think of it, the whole family, just like the good old days.
    Judith: What ’good old days?’
    Charlie: Why is everybody so damn literal?

& Lisa: Hi, you must be Jake.
    Jake: Yes, I am. My wonderful Uncle Charlie has opened his home to me and my father ’cause we had nowhere else to go.

& Evelyn: ...and remember, you may have two grandmothers, but only one of them has enough money to send you to medical school.
    Jake: What if I don’t want to go to medical school?
    Evelyn: Then you’d break your grandmommy’s heart just like your father did.
    Jake: Dad’s a doctor.
    Evelyn: No, sweetheart. Your father’s a chiropractor. That’s a masseuse without the hot oil. Go play with your friends.
    Jake: I’m the only kid here.
    Evelyn: You might want to think about why that is.

& Alan: I really think your daughter deserves a lot of respect. It takes real courage to make changes in your life and not worry about what everybody thinks.
    Judith: Thank you, Alan.
    Evelyn: That’s true. The lesbians of my generation were too scared to come out of the closet.
    Judith’s Mom: Does that mean what I think it means?
    Alan: You haven’t told them?
    Judith: No. I thought it would be more appropriate coming from your mother.

& Rose: Hi, I’m Rose.
    Lisa: Hi.
    Rose: Don’t worry. Charlie and I had sex once, but now we’re just friends.

& Evelyn: I’m thankful I’ll be dead someday and you’ll all feel horrible you weren’t nicer to me.
    Judith’s Mom: And I’m thankful that our daughter gave us at least one grandchild before she...
    Judith: I’m thankful I finally found a therapist who has no compunction about prescribing powerful sedatives.
    Berta: I’m thankful I can sit here and listen to you rich people whine while my family’s scrabbling for a corn dog at the Pomona Fairgrounds.

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On the Imdb.