The Cap Table

Silicon Valley 1×2

& Richard: He just said he likes us. He wants to join the company.
    Erlich: Of course he does, Richard. Let me explain something to you... Your whole life you’ve been an ugly chick but now suddenly you’re a hot chick, with big tits and small nipples. So guys like that are gonna keep coming around. Don’t be a slut, Richard.

& Erlich: Dinesh, change the lighting to something erotic because it’s about to get pretty fucking erotic in here.
    Dinesh: License to kill-9. IB action-dot-erotica.

& Mochacino: God, I hate Palo Alto!

& Gilfoyle: What’s your excuse?
    Dinesh: ... The idea of getting an erection around men I live and work with, it’s just not something I can handle. The idea that I have a boner and you have a boner and he has a boner and we’re all sitting there with boners in our pants...

& Mochacino: So what do you guys do here?
    Big Head: Oh, we’re mostly working on a lossless compression algorithm.
    Mochacino: A what?!
    Big Head: It makes files smaller.

& Erlich: Richie, pay the lady.
    Richard: What? Why... Why should I pay her? I didn’t hire her. I didn’t even get a lap dance.
    Erlich: This is a company party and you’re the CEO. So pony up.

& Richard: He was kind of being an asshole back there.
    Erlich: Yeah, that’s why he’s a billionaire. ’Cause he knows how and when to be an asshole.

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& Richard: Now you’re being an asshole.
    Erlich: You say that like it’s a bad thing. Richard, if you’re not an asshole, it creates this kind of asshole vacuum and that void is filled by other assholes...

& Erlich: You need to completely change who you are, Richard. A complete teutonic shift has to happen.
    Richard: Tectonic.
    Erlich: What?
    Richard: A “tectonic” shift is the earth’s crust moving around. “Teutonic”, which is what you just said, is an ancient Germanic tribe that fought the Romans... They were originally from Scandinavia...
    Erlich: Stop it! Stop it. You’re being a complete tool right now. I need you to be a complete asshole. Do you understand the difference?

& Richard: Erlich, I have 48 hours. Are you going to help me with this business plan or not?
    Erlich: I believe in you, Richard. That’s why I’m not.

& Gavin: Audious, play John Lennon’s “Imagine.”
    Audious: Cueing, John Wayne in a mansion. Not found.
    Gavin: Fuck! Fuck!
    Audious: Invalid command.

& Dinesh: Listen, we all love Big Head. But, the truth is he’s not as good of a coder as I am, not as good at system architecture as Gilfoyle, not as good at being a prick as you, no offense.
    Gilfoyle: He’s a lightweight at everything.
    Dinesh: Brings nothing to the table. ...
    Gilfoyle: But he’s a great guy.
    Dinesh: Great guy. But useless.

& Jared: The camaraderie is quite apparent. But Peter Gregory demanded a lean, ruthless business plan. And I don’t think that the CEO of Microsoft has a paid best friend.
    Big Head: Sergey Brin does. Larry doesn’t do shit.
    Richard: See?

& Big Head: I just wanted to work with computers and get paid for it. I didn’t want end up fighting with my roommates over percentage points.

& Erlich: Richard, stop being a fucking pussy and start being an asshole.

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+ quotes on the IMDb