Big Girls Don't Throw Food

Two and a Half Men 9×3

& Berta: What the hell are you doing here?
    Alan: Walden said I could stay for a couple of days.
    Berta: You don’t stay anywhere for a couple of days.

& Walden: What’s going on?
    Berta: Did you tell him he could stay here?
    Walden: Yeah, just for a couple days.
    Berta: Okay, I’ve got to explain something to you. This guy is like genital herpes. Once you got ’em, you got ’em for life.

& Alan: You know what, I’ll just move over to Jake’s room.
    Berta: Good idea, go to Jake’s room.
    Walden: Wait, why are we calling it Jake’s room?
    Berta: Herpes has a kid.
    Walden: Herpes Junior?

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& Alan: Okay, you need to keep in mind that it’s not like the old days. I am a guest here.
    Jake: You mean like the old days when you were a guest here?
    Alan: I was not a guest!
    Jake: Right, ’cause guests eventually leave.

& Alan: Charlie was my brother; he loved having me here.
    Jake: Wow. Denial isn’t just a river in South America.
    Alan: Africa!
    Jake: What about it?
    Alan: Never mind.

& Jake: Did you know that Walden made his first million before he was 19?
    Alan: How many zeros in a million, Jake?
    Jake: M-I-L-L-I-O-N... One.

& Alan: A woman’s heart is a deep and mysterious place, almost impossible to reach. Much like the G-spot. Although at least we know the heart, in fact, exists. When that heart closes itself to a man— and in my experience, it inevitably does— the only way to reopen it is to allow time to pass. That way, the woman can reflect on how much she misses her man.
    Walden: And that’s worked for you?

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