My Name Is Earl 3x14-15

I Won't Die with a Little Help from My Friends

Season 3, Episodes 14 & 15

& Officer Hoyne: Ah, nuts. We got a stolen ambulance eastbound on Sycamore Street. I would be in pursuit, but our Al-Gore-wannabe* mayor... decided to go green and replaced my squad car with a bicycle.


& Earl: Hello, Joy, Darnell.
    Darnell: Hey, Earl.
    Earl: Hey, Crabman.
    Darnell: We just came by to bring you a wedding gift. It's a toaster.
    Earl: Just what we needed.
    Darnell: It's actually our toaster. And you should know... the right slot runs hotter than the left, so plan your toast accordingly. Of course we would've brought it to the wedding... but the only option on our invitation card was "Will not attend." So don't be surprised when you find a cat turd* in your toaster. She held that darn cat over that thing for two hours. I thought he was never gonna go.
    Earl: Well, it was good seein' ya. I'm sure you gotta get goin'. Got a long drive back home. You'll have to come for breakfast sometime. We'll all have toasted cat crap.


& Catalina: Oh, snap!
    Joy: Oh, hell, no. You are not gonna try and steal that.


& Catalina: Where do you think the odds are? He just got better and walked home.
    Joy: About the same as if he spontaneously combusted*.
    Darnell: Not true. The government doesn't want you to know it, but people spontaneously combust all the time. That's why you see so many sneakers hanging from power lines.


& Randy: He left less than 25 minutes ago.
    Joy: ???
    Randy: You share a bed with a guy for long enough, you learn a few things.


& Randy: Get your boobs off my brother!


& Darnell: He's going to be okay, right, doc?
    Indian doctor: Define "okay."
    Catalina: Not dead.
    Doctor: I don't know.
    Randy: Can't you tell us anything good about Earl?
    Doctor: He has a fantastic mustache and, praise be to Ganesh it was unharmed. Other than that, all we can do is pray. I bet you wish you had more than one god now, uh?


& Randy: You're gonna wake my brother now, Mr. Doctor?
    Doctor: Do you remember earlier we talked about something called a coma?
Oh, yeah. The story about the bears sleeping through the winter.
    Doctor: Right... And we don't try wake them. Hopefully, your brother'll pull through and wake up on his own.
    Joy: Yeah, listen here, Dr. Bob-a-ganoush. You people might be great at running cheap motels, but we're gonna require a second opinion from a real doctor. You know, a Jewish one.
    Doctor: I'm Indian. We're the new Jews.
    Darnell: I thought that was Koreans.
    Doctor: They wish.

---

& Catalina: Guess what I picked up in the parking lot at Club Chubby.
    Joy: Gonorrhea?


& Joy: Look Randy...
    Randy: No! No "look Randy," and no "never," and no pamphlets with the sad pull the plug face on. People come back from the dead all the time. Zombies, werewolves, vampires. Need I go on?


& Randy: It's bacon, Earl. You always wake up for bacon.
    Joy: How about boobs? You used to wake up for these often enough. Sorry, Darnell.
    Darnell: I'm cool. You know I don't consider above the waist to be cheating.
    Joy: Squeeze, baby. You're a vegetable, not a fruit.


& Joy: Damn it, Earl, this is my turn. This zit's getting so big, it's got a little zit* on the side of it.
    Randy: Don't worry, Joy. I'm sure everybody at your reunion's gonna be talking about your black and white kids and your terrible personality, not your big, disgusting zit.


& Gerald: How do I know she's not evil?
    Joy: One: I'm American. Two: I saw all my pregnancies through to the end. And three: nobody can look this good without the Lord on her side.
    Gerald: Unless they have the evil on their side.
    Joy: I'm not gonna even dignify* that comment with a response, you little lying bat-faced Bible freak!



---Dict:
wannabe — подражатель
turd — дерьмо
combusted — сжигать; воспламеняться; гореть
zit — прыщик
dignify — удостаивать


On Imdb: Part I & Part II.