My Name Is Earl 3x13

Bad Earl

Season 3, Episode 13

& Ralph: Ooh. Sweet Coke bottles.


& Ralph: Okay. You guys gotta get out of here. I gotta eat, then, uh, I gotta give Doris her bath. Ain't all peaches and cream.


& Earl: I'm finished with the list.
    Randy: You can't. Something bad might happen.
    Earl: Oh, really? Ralph's an escaped convict who's stealing from an old lady. Nothin' bad's happening to him. I'm pretty sure this karma stuff doesn't really exist. I mean, think about it, Randy. I got the whole idea from Carson Daly, for God sakes. He's a talk show host who's on after two other talk show hosts. What does that tell you?.. Randy, look how many things I've crossed off. What do I have to show for it? Nothin'. If karma was real, I'd have something good by now. Where's my good thing, Randy? Where's my good thing?

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& Darnell: Hey, Earl.
    Earl: Hey, Crabman.
    Darnell: What's up? You know, in regards to our home being turned on its side and whatnot?
    Joy: Sons of bitches! What the hell did you do?! What the hell did you do?!! And talk fast, 'cause I'm gonna stab you in the throat... once I figure out which one of these is the knife drawer.
    Earl: Oh, come on, Joy. You gotta admit, it's a little funny. Tell her, Darnell.
    Darnell: Well, maybe in time we'll come to find the comic absurdity...


& Ralph: Doris, honey, your high chair fell off the toilet again... What the hell?!
    Doris: Look, Stanley. The whole family came home for Christmas... even my sister who died in 1973.
    Joy: Silly bitch put mothballs in my cocoa.


& Earl: What are y'all doing here? Get out now.
    Randy: Nobody's leavin' until you listen to what we have to say. We're here to save you from yourself. It's called an invention.
Joy: It's called an inter-invention, dummy. {...} Now, sit down. Let's get this show on the road. I ain't got all day. I got a Christmas ham in the microwave needs to be flipped. We're all here to tell you why we liked you better nice. Darnell, go.
    Darnell: Hey, Earl. I've written a poem that best expresses how I feel. "Sadness falls on us all... like food from a sideways refrigerator."
    Joy: Next!!
    Catalina: Before I came to this country, I never had any male friends... because my mother always taught me men are only interested in one thing: raping your mother. {...}
    Randy: I'd follow you anywhere, Earl. I followed you and karma and your list... and it took me to all these wonderful people. Now you're leadin' me away from them... and we're losin' our friends, and I don't like it. I don't like this feelin' I got in my stomach anymore. It's not like when we were helpin' people. So let's just go back to the way it was before. Because if you do good things, good things happen. Right, Earl? Right?
    Earl: Nope. There is no karma. I did my list for two years... and the only good things that happened were for other people. If good things were gonna happen to me, they would have happened by now. But they didn't, so screw the list, screw karma... and screw all of you for ruinin' my Christmas morning.



On Imdb.