Primal Urges

The Orville 2×2

Alara: It looks so... sad and lonely.
Isaac: The penchant for biological life-forms to anthropomorphize inanimate objects is irrational. I am quite certain the planet is unaware of its solitary status.

Dr. Finn: Wait a minute. You're saying any time somebody on your planet wants a divorce, they just murder their spouse?

Capt. Mercer: They mutilate their female babies. They kill each other when they want a divorce. What do they do when it's someone's birthday? Light the parents on fire?
Kelly: I know we're supposed to be tolerant of alien customs, but man, there's got to be a limit.

Alara: Sir, if you don't mind, I'd like to stick around... just in case there's another divorce.

Gordon: How bad? Like, "Ouch, I got a sunburn bad," or "I just opened the Ark of the Covenant" bad?
Lamarr: The Ark. Like, melty-faced awfulness.

Isaac: You are a primitive organism. I simply wish to expand my understanding of the behavioral impulse.
Bortus: You think you are smarter than us? Figure it out on your own.

Isaac: I am aware that billions of years of evolution have programmed your chemical mechanisms with a desire to breed fruitfully. I am curious to know how it feels.
Bortus: It is... a call... from deep within. Like a baby seeking its mother's teat. It feels as if nothing else in the world matters but... satisfying the urge and achieving the goal my body has demanded of me. Then, as quickly as it began, it is complete, leaving a worn-out shell in its wake. And the only feeling I am left with, the only thing I know, is that... a death has occurred.
Isaac: I see. It is prudent that you are in therapy.

Theece: Make a life out there with Nathius. A beautiful life among the stars.
Altox: All the days we'll never have...
Theece: Your heart is full of the days we did.

Capt. Mercer: Porn virus aside... I am very grateful to have you on board.

--
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Ant-Man and the Wasp (2018)

Ant-Man (2015) <<
Captain America: Civil War (2016) <<

Scott Lang: Three days. Easy-peasy.

Sonny Burch: Quantum technology. Now, you can forget nanotech, forget AI, forget cryptocurrency. Quantum energy is the future. It's the next gold rush.

Scott Lang: Do you guys just put the word "quantum" in front of everything?

Luis: I've been trying to tell you, he's in a tricky spot, emotionally speaking.
Sonny Burch: Emotionally speaking. Well, where is Scott Lang, literally speaking!
Luis: Oh! The woods.

Maggie:—What does the FBI even stand for... "Forever Bothering Individuals"?

Dr. Hank Pym: Uh, excuse me. Are we planning on leaving soon... or are you two gonna keep staring at each other... until they start shooting at us?

Scott Lang: You know, my pep-pep always said, "If you want to do something right, you make a list." So, we should do that. One, we have to break into that lab...

Luis: I wish I had a suit. I would even like a suit with minimal powers, you know? Or maybe even just a suit, with no powers.

Scott Lang: Misdirection. One of the first things they teach you at Online Close-up Magic University.

Ant-Man: I'm gonna call you Ant-onio Banderas! You're a badass!

--
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Vindicators 3: The Return of Worldender

Rick and Morty 3x4

Morty: Rick, the Vindicators only call when the universe itself is at stake. They're the first line of defense against evil. They're the guardians of the unguarded!
Rick: They're the writers of their own press releases, Morty. They're a bunch of drama queens that spend an hour talking and 20 minutes jumping around while shit blows up. They're a phase.

Morty: Vindicator Command Ship... Beacon received. We're doing Vindicators Twoooooo!

Rick: Uh, Morty, you might want to freeze some sperm...

Supernova: I trust you can be of service there.
Rick: Well, let me check my list of powers and weaknesses. Ability to do anything... But only whenever I want... Yeah, that sounds like a job for me.

Supernova: Actually, we assembled a second time last summer to fight Doomnomitron.
Morty: So this is... Vindicators Three? And you guys did Vindicators Two... without us?

Morty: They did a whole Vindicators without us. A bunch of them got killed, too. They lost Lady Katana, Calypso, Diablo Verde...
Rick: Yikes. Yeah, things did feel less diverse in there.

Rick: Don't worry, Morty, they love you. Superheroes need a wide-eyed unremarkable to tag along and react to everything like it's mind blowing.

Morty: I... think the personality conflict might have been... you?
Rick: Jesus... How awesome is that? I mean, they wanted to not need me so bad they murdered three innocent heroes of color and they still had to bring me back?

Vance Maximus: Everyone in the universe is a hero. All you have to do is know the difference between good and bad, and root for good.
Morty: Rick says good and bad are artificial constructs.
Vance Maximus: Yeah, well, I get the feeling... He kind of needs that to be the case.

Supernova: "Obviously?" You came here and defeated our arch nemesis... while so drunk you don't remember doing it? That's something "obvious" to you?
Rick: Look, I'm a lit... little more complex than you guys, and, no offense, but I've always suspected that a lot of what you do in a year could be knocked out in a couple of hours.

---

Morty: Rick, is... Is this a "Saw" thing? Are you seriously Sawing the Vindicators?
Rick: Morty, I'm a drunk, not a hack.
Drunk Rick: 'If you break the rules, lose the game or try to leave, you will die. Like in "Sawwww."'

Morty: Guys! I figured it out... It was a bit. All of the descriptors apply to all of you. Drunk Rick's point is that none of you are very special or different. That's always his point.

Drunk Rick: The Vindicators say their job is to fight evil wherever it hides, but they don't... Pick the location you'll... You'll never hear them even mention, because to fight darkness is to fight yourself.

Supernova: What the hell is "Israel"?!
Morty: It-It's just something Rick starts talking about when he's blackout drunk.
Rick: W-What? In w... In w-w-what? Like, w-w-what's my point?
Morty: In a way that has no point, you just babble about defense budgets and the United Nations and then you pass out.
Rick: So, to be clear, I sometimes reference the geopolitical complexities of the topic... Which is not the same as going to an anti-Semitic place.
Million Ants: I have not stake in this...
Rick: I don't either, I'm... I'm just saying, if anything, the drunk version of me is probably so supportive of Israel he wants what's best for it and...
Million Ants: Hey, man, I'm not touching this. You do you.

Rick: I know you were sucking the Kool-Aid out of the Vindicators. So the fact that I was right about them must be pretty hard to admit.
Morty: Yeah, it is. You know why, Rick? Because when you're an asshole, it doesn't matter how right you are, nobody wants to give you the satisfaction.
Rick: I know. Everyone wants people they like to be right. That's why popular people are [bleep] dumb. And why your pretentious, poorly-written, high-budget friends back there can eat a double-decker shit sandwich.

--
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The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society (2018)

Audience Member: Have you always wanted to be a writer?
Juliet Ashton: Always, yes. It's the perfect job. Sitting, indoors, always near a teapot.

Juliet Ashton: 'Perhaps there is some secret sort of homing instincts in books that brings them to their perfect readers.'

Juliet Ashton: 'I have located Lamb's "Shakespeare" and I am happy to present it to you in exchange for the answers to three questions. Why did a roasted pig have to be kept a secret? How could a pig cause you to begin a literary society? And, most pressing of all, what is a potato peel pie?'

Eben Ramsey: A potato peel pie. No butter, no flour, just potatoes... and potato peelings.

Dawsey Adams: 'You already know what books can do. That's something we share, different as our lives may be.'

Eben Ramsey: We beat them in '18. Here they are again. How did we let this happen?

Dawsey Adams: To Charles Lamb... "Contented with little, yet wishing for more."

Charlotte Stimple: Miss Ashton, let us pray.
Juliet Ashton: I pray you let go of me before I knock you down! Now here is a book filled with love. And you overlook all of it in favor of judgment and petty meanness. "Seek and ye shall find" indeed! It is I that shall pray for you, Miss Stimple. But from a far safer distance.

Elizabeth: Because you give me the last piece of bread when I ask. That is why I trust her to you.

Isola Pribby: She's only four. What can she understand?
Mrs. Burns: I'm older than time. And I understand nothing. Nothing.

Juliet Ashton: 'Do you suppose it's possible for us to already belong to someone before we've met them? Oh, very much so, yes. If so, I belong to you, or you to me, or me simply to the spirit I found among you on Guernsey. That is as good a definition of family as any I know.'

Juliet Ashton: Would you like to marry me?... I'm in love with you. So I thought I'd ask.

--
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The Burrito

The Good Place 2×12

Eleanor: Michael said the portal would lead us to the Judge, so where's the Judge? All I see is a burrito.

Chidi: Do you think it's a test? Like, maybe one of us is supposed to eat it, or we eat it together, or... or maybe, maybe it's a test to see how long we can go without eating it.

Eleanor: Hello, Your Excellency. My name is Eleanor Shellstrop. We doth seek thine judgment. We've traveled a long distance to see you, o great one.

Judge: Hi. I'm the Judge. That's a burrito. What's up, guys?

Judge: Tahani... it's such a pretty name. My name is super boring... Gen. It's just short for hydrogen, which was the only thing that was in existence at the time that I was born.

Eleanor: Sorry, I feel weird saying this to an almighty judge, but you have hot sauce on your chin.
Judge: Thank you. It's actually not hot sauce. It's envy. Or, the concept of envy. It's really good on Mexican food, it gives it a little kick.

Eleanor: Oh no, that was your moral quandary grimace, which is different from your gas pain grimace. And different from your someone said "from whence it came" instead of "whence it came" grimace. So, spit it out, man.

Eleanor: We've been through every argument. Contractualist, Kantian, what would Superman do, what would Rihanna do... are we missing anything? Hit me right now with your most obscure, boring-est, old white dude with a long wizard beard mumbo-jumbo.

Eleanor: I'm gonna miss you, bud. Every time they pull my eyeballs out through my mouth, I'll think of you.

--
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Luther 5×1

Schenk: Look, John. This er, Direct Entry thing, head-hunting people from the public sector. Fast-tracking them through the ranks. None of us like it. But it's the way it is. Give it ten minutes and DS Halliday will be Superintendent Halliday...
Luther: Boss, are you, um, telling me to behave myself?
Schenk: I'm saying that, we're the dinosaurs and she's the meteor. So, yes. Don't show her how it's done. Show her how it's supposed to be done.

Halliday: Single and ready to mingle.
Luther: What does that mean?
Halliday: Oh. He used a number of online hook-up sites.

Luther: All right, well, you know, this isn't our boy's first disco. I mean, even Jack the Ripper had to work up towards what he did to Mary Jane Kelly. And our boy hasn't got to this place from a standing start. Nope.

Halliday: That's LEDs sewn into his hood. It confuses CCTV.
Luther: Ah, OK, so this isn't random, is it? Which means... there's gonna be more...

Dr. Vivien Lake: There isn't a person in the world without a sexual secret, DS... Yeah, we all have a fantasy. We all have a fetish. We all regret something we've done. Or something we never had the courage to do.

Alice: Wotcher.

--
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All About That Paper

You're the Worst 2×4

Gretchen: Scrambled eggs?
Jimmy: A dish so pedestrian its name is the recipe?

Jimmy: Not all of us have the luxury of just paying rent whenever we feel like it or, say, not at all.
Gretchen: Why would I pay you rent? It's your house.
Jimmy: Your ability to bend semantics to best fit your financial interests is quite impressive.

Gretchen: Well, you don't just drop it online. We'll build some word-of-mouth buzz, I'll leak it to Stereogum...

Jonathan R. Strasburg: Listen, writing isn't sitting behind a computer. Writing is experiencing things, living. Look, some of the best writers in the world have never written a word...

Jonathan R. Strasburg: You want to write? Here... Start by getting yourself a lap dance.

Jimmy: What are we doing here?
Jonathan R. Strasburg: Gazing into the darkness, seeing if it gazes back.

--
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Look, She Made a Hat

The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel 2×7

Benjamin: You are a great date to bring to something you know nothing about and have no interest in.
Midge: Wait till you see me at a boxing match.

Midge: There's this sad little room back there.
Oh, yeah, that's where they put the very minor artists, or the mops.
Midge: Well, I didn't see a mop, just paintings, like this. Oh, hey, it came with a hat.
Benjamin: All the great ones do.
Midge: I like it. My first art acquisition.

Joel: At 4:00 this afternoon, I went down to the bank, and after some negotiating, some pleading, some bloodletting, this building, the building that houses the Maisel and Roth Garment Company, is officially ours. We bought it, we own it, it will absolutely kill us, the interest is criminal, I anticipate dropping dead right on this spot, but I own this spot, I get to.
Archie: Such a strange mixture of happiness and horror...
Mrs. Moskowitz: Oh, you're clearly not Jewish, dear.

Joel: Enjoy the food and the drinks, because you people are the Roth to my Maisel, and I thank you very much.

Mrs. Moskowitz: We don't expect you to be alone. We'd just like you to not pick up a venereal disease.

Joel: You know, it was exactly one year ago I blew up my entire life... Yom Kippur, atone for your sins. I'm the fucking poster boy.

Declan Howell: Extraordinary... Your face, the color, it's like... cream, or is it milk? It's some kind of... magical dairy product. I've been trying to find a color like that for years. It's like Vermeer painted you or you swallowed a light bulb.
Midge: It's the latter. Did I mention that this is Benjamin Ettenberg?

Midge: Trust me, I know how to handle drunk, handsy guys. There's no part of this body that hasn't been groped or poked or pinched or patted.
Benjamin: Lovely.
Midge: ... You learn how to deal with it. Keep your thighs locked, keep your arms crossed. A well-timed "What's that?" never fails to defuse an incoming pass. Chewing is a big lifesaver. Plus, the real saver that all those pervs don't know about: girdles. In a girdle, you can't feel a damn thing. These guys might as well be groping a parking meter.

Mrs. Moskowitz: If you're going to be that available, you should consider putting a doorbell on your blouse.

Joel: Baby number three. Congratulations... You did it. You got the American Dream. Wife, family... you got it all. And you knew how to keep it. That's the secret. Any schmuck can get it. You knew how to keep it. Family's very important. You have to hold on to a family...

Midge: I can't.
Susie: You can.
Midge: It's Yom Kippur.
Susie: Who gives a shit?
Midge: Susie. Yom Kippur. High holidays. Break-fast. Temple. Family. Guilt.

---

Susie: God understands show business. He invented it.
Midge: Susie...
Susie: October fucking 12th!

Midge: We got the rabbi?
Rose: We got the rabbi.
— We got the rabbi!

Susie: Nobody's happy, Tess. I'm not happy, you're not happy, these assholes aren't happy. Happy has skipped this house altogether.

Declan Howell: No, I know who you are. Who's he?
Benjamin: Uh, I'm...
Midge: Boyfriend. This is my boyfriend.
Benjamin: And a collector.
Midge: He does both. The collecting and the boyfriending.

Declan Howell: Um... wine? It's a bit early in the day, I think, for a real drink. ..... One day closer to death...

Benjamin: What exactly is for sale?
Declan Howell: My soul.

Midge: It's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen...

Declan Howell: It'll never happen because... everything I have, I put into that. Nothing left.
Midge: I think that's very sad.
Declan Howell: Well, that's the way it is. If you... if you want to do something great... you want to take something as far as it'll go... you can't have everything. You lose... family. Sense of home. But then... look at what exists.

Susie: You sure?
Tess: The highlight of my day is thinking up different ways to kill my husband. One of us needs a win.
Susie: Thanks, sis... Beat him to death with his leg?
Tess: I'll put it on the list.

Abe: I don't understand why you get to sit!
Moishe: The elder can sit, rabbi said.
Abe: We are the same age, and I'm standing!
Moishe: Well, good for you. You get to be king of the Jews. How'd that work out for the last guy?

Abe: Tell them. Tell them what you're doing. It's time.
Midge: Are you sure?
Abe: I am not going to lie for you right after Yom Kippur. I'm not gonna blow a year's worth of sinning in the first two hours.

Moishe: God, I would kill for the hole of the bagel right about now!

Joel: You have a room full of unfed Jews in there. That's a lot of desperation and rage in the air.

Zelda: What you mean, you're not hungry?!
Midge: He had some candy earlier.
Zelda: He couldn't wait until dinner?
Midge: Well, he's four. That's little.
Zelda: Four-year-olds in my village worked! They made shoes, they herded sheep, they hid guns.
Ethan: Yom Kippur is scary.
Midge: I know, honey. Go to your room, lock the door.

Susie: Hi. I was, uh, summoned.

Susie: Hi, Abe.
Abe: Very good. Deducing that I am Abe, Miriam's father. Hello, person I've never met before. Nice to see you for the very first time.

Rose: You were a plumber at Steiner's... You came to fix our sink, and when you left, it was worse.
Midge: She's not a plumber, Mama.
Rose: I should say not.

Rose: Why is your manager a plumber? I don't see how those two skill sets interact.

Midge: I want to be big. I want to be the biggest thing out there.
Susie: Tits up?
Midge: Tits up.

--
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A Race of Superhumans and a Letter to Alf

Young Sheldon 2×11

Georgie: Faith, the Bible, God... I'm nuts for that stuff.

Sheldon: I'm looking for some books on education theory... I'm trying to develop a technique to teach someone who falls into the conventional category of "stupid."
Ms. Cheryl Hutchins: Oh. Well, now, there's a wide range of stupid. Can you narrow it down?

Georgie: I couldn't understand all of it, 'cause it was in an ancient language, but the part I did understand is He wants us to spend more time together.
Veronica: Doing what?
Georgie: Oh, you know, praying, helping the needy... Your usual Christian activities.
Veronica: Well, I'm okay with that.
Georgie: Good. So you, me and God, we'll hang out.

Sheldon: Ooh, this is interesting. According to Socrates, all knowledge exists within the student and just needs to be drawn out through skillful questioning.
Tam: Are you saying I knew that before you even said it?
Sheldon: I don't know, did you?

Georgie: ...I'm gonna take your silence as a yes. Amen.

Georgie: Maybe you should ask yourself what's in you that makes you see sin in the hearts of others.
Mary: Okay, now you're pushing it.
Georgie: Lord Jesus, please help my mother with her anger... Can I get an amen?
Mary: No!

Veronica: I signed up to get baptized. .... Can you imagine afterwards? All of our sins will be washed away.
Georgie: Yeah, and we can start cranking out fresh ones...

--
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Getting Over Jeff.

Crazy Ex-Girlfriend 3×7

Heather: God, I miss being a student... Is there something you can fill out when you used to be a student, but now you're not a student?
Rebecca: I think it's called a job application.

Dr. Shin: I know you want an A-plus, but I need to challenge you to get a different type of grade.
Rebecca: What's better than an A-plus?
Dr. Shin: A C-plus.

Dr. Shin: ...for someone like you, the overachieving is part of the issue. You need to relax.
Rebecca: Relax? ....
Dr. Shin: Hey, you need to put the pencil down. You have been in a therapy bubble. All right? It is time to take steps into the real world.
Rebecca: The real world? No, no, I don't want that, 'cause what if I mess things up?
Dr. Shin: Then that's okay. Go out there and make some messes, have some adventures. And stop being so hard on yourself.
Rebecca: I mean, you're right. I am hard on myself. God, it's one of my worst qualities. God, I'm such a dumb, loser, hard-on-myself bitch.
Dr. Shin: That. Stop doing that.
Rebecca: I just don't want to fail.
Dr. Shin: You need to redefine failure.

Paula: I know I was AWOL with Rebecca, but I'm back. I'm here. I am doing laundry, I am flushing toilets, I am helping with homework... Okay, let's face it, I am doing homework.

Paula: Oh, sometimes I wish I could just touch a stone wall and go back to 1743 to be with my other husband, the Scottish warrior, and... you don't watch Outlander, do you?

---

Nathaniel: I'm probably just feeling a little weird because I accidentally had dairy yesterday. I asked for a grilled cheese sandwich, but I said “no cheese, no bread, I just want a hot, salty tomato”. But, you know, they don't listen...

Paula: That's... That's my Josh Chan.

Paula: You dumped me in the parking lot of the mall after we saw Fried Green Tomatoes.
Jeff: I'm sorry. What a jerk I was...
Paula: Yeah, so ever since then, I hear Kathy Bates do a Southern accent, and I have to leave the room.

Rebecca: I've never watched conservative news before. All the women look exactly the same, like they're old, blonde Miss USA’s. Why is that?

Rebecca: Bob, be real. You don't agree with all this stuff, right? I mean, you don't think everyone should own a gun?
Bob O'Brien: Oh, no. They should own two guns... one for animals, one for people.

Rebecca: I'll be right there. I'm just busy getting a C-plus in getting D-runk!

Rebecca: You never do anything for yourself... You're always too busy being a good wife and mom and friend and co-worker. You're like everyone's big spoon. You're so reliable.

Rebecca: Who's your friend?
Paula: My friend? Um... He... she... She's a she. Sheila Girlface.
Rebecca: “Sheila Girlface”?
Paula: Yeah, well, it's Girlfacce, but, you know, they had to change it at Ellis Island. Assimilation is a rape.

Paula: ...so I'm free to do what I want to do, which is go to church.
Rebecca: Okay, bye. Okay. Tell God I say... well, he knows how I feel.

Hector: Look at Josh. You guys can't miss this. He thinks he's Tom Cruise in Cocktail.

Bob O'Brien: Take one step closer to her and I'll turn you into a great soprano.

Rebecca: You know what size spoons fit together the best?.. Same-size spoons.

Paula: If I could... go through a magical stone wall and pick any man in any time period... in any universe... I would pick Brad Pitt in Thelma & Louise.
Scott: Strong choice. Me same.
Paula: And when he turned me down... I'd pick you.
Scott: Really?
Paula: Yeah. Every day of the week.

Rebecca: You know, my whole life, I've only known how to be, like, really good or really bad. But being a human... is living in that kind of in-between space, it's making mistakes, and that's very scary, but... also very cool.
Dr. Shin: Great work. You, my friend, get an A-plus on your C-plus.

--
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The Paintball Scattering

The Big Bang Theory 12×11

Sheldon: You know what I call this drink?
Penny: A waste of champagne?
Sheldon: No. A Dr. Cooper. Because...
Amy: He's also sweet and bubbly.

Sheldon: Ooh! That is PhD-licious.

Leonard: I'm surprised you're interested in some stranger's opinion.
Sheldon: Well, as I always say, a stranger's just a friend who hasn't complimented me yet.

President Siebert: Well, we're thinking a divide-and-conquer approach here, where you do the interviews, and Sheldon stays here and holds down the fort. You know... in case there's an emergency.
Sheldon: What kind of an emergency would there be in physics?
President Siebert: I don't know, maybe... there's an object in motion that won't stay in motion. Or a reaction that's equal but not opposite...

President Siebert: It's not that we don't want Sheldon to do the interviews, it's just that we really want you to do the interviews. Without Sheldon.

---

Stuart: I know you're joking... but my flight-or-flight response doesn't.
Denise: Isn't it fight-or-flight?
Stuart: Not for me.

Amy: I need you to be honest with me. How do I look?
Sheldon: ... A little shorter, but as we age that happens to all of us.

Raj: You ran out of there so fast, if it was a cartoon, there would have been a Stuart-shaped hole in the wall.

President Siebert: ...And that headline-- "The Neurobiologist Who Revolutionized Physics."
Sheldon: I'm sorry. The who who did what to-- huh?

Denise: Okay, um... Leonard.
Leonard: Yeah?...
Denise: No, I'm picking you.
Leonard: First? For a team? What is happening?

Amy: Why can't you just be proud of me?
Sheldon: I am proud of you!
Amy: Really? Because you sound jealous!
Sheldon: Well, I'm that, too! I've seen Inside Out. I know I can feel two things at once.

Stuart: Well, it's kind of hard to explain. Uh, you know when things are going great, but you worry that any minute you might screw everything up?
Penny: No.
Leonard: Yes.

--
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Johnny English Strikes Again (2018)

Johnny English Reborn (2011) <<

Prime Minister: Well, you'd better get someone on it and find me some answers.
Pegasus: Yes, but that's the problem. We don't have any agents left. They've all been outed.
Prime Minister: So bring back an old one!

P: Is there anything else I can get you?
Johnny English: A gun?
P: We... don't really do guns anymore.
Pegasus: Just... get him a gun.
P: Right. Haven't actually... done one of these before...

P: It is my obligation under section 14 of the Health and Safety Directive to inform you that the equipment with which you are about to be issued can cause injury and bodily harm... Furthermore, any agents with nut allergies should be aware that traces of cashew oil...

Johnny English: I'll take this one.
Pegasus: Oh, don't be ridiculous, English. This car's a relic. Drinks petrol, leaks oil, has no passive, let alone active, safety features.
Bough: Do you know what else it doesn't have, sir? Satellite navigation or a single computer chip. Making it completely invisible to a digital enemy.

Ophelia Bhuletova: Very impressive driving, Mr....?
Johnny English: Golightly. Basil Golightly.

Prime Minister: Where's my bloody drink?... You've got to be joking! Vodka tonic, no ice, no tonic.

Ophelia Bhuletova: I'm feeling a little homesick tonight. I'll have a Moscow Mule.
Johnny English: And I'll have a London... Lemming, please. ... It's, uh, gin... vodka... Armagnac... sherry... with just a little bit of Parmesan.

Ophelia Bhuletova: I'm not sure I've ever met a man quite like you, Basil.
Johnny English: Let me clear up the uncertainty for you... You haven't.

Ophelia Bhuletova: I've spent two years undercover. Simple operation until you showed up. And I like to keep things simple.
Johnny English: Simple is my middle name.

Ophelia Bhuletova: He's British Intelligence.
Jason Volta: And there you have it: two words that have no right being in the same sentence together.

Prime Minister: Do you have any idea how hard it is to be me?!
Johnny English: Uh...
Prime Minister: Do you have even the foggiest notion of how virtually impossible it is to get anything done in the face of events and facts and voters and that tsunami of tosspots we call the national press?!!

Jason Volta: Can you imagine what the world would look like if it was run by Apple? Or Google. Or... me.

Jason Volta: Do you understand what it means if I turn the Internet off?... Cities will go dark. Planes will fall out of the sky. Trains will collide. Law and order will break down, and the world as you know it will be over.

--
+ Quotes on the IMDb
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Ja'loja

The Orville 2×1

Capt. Mercer: You know what the worst days are, Olix?... The days when you can't stay busy. No Krill confrontations, no spatial anomalies, just nothing going on and all your thoughts just march inward.
Olix: So most days.

Bortus: Sir, you are aware that Moclans urinate only once per year... It is my time.

Capt. Mercer: Now... Kelly?..
Kelly: ...We're diverting course to Moclus to... watch Bortus... pee.

Gordon: What if it's, like... a windy day?

Kelly: Okay. Any questions?
Lamarr: Yeah, like a million, but I'm not gonna ask.

Capt. Mercer: I've been trying to figure out how to keep my brain busy just so I can stop thinking about... You know, I-I played backgammon with Isaac last week, Kelly. Backgammon. That is a low point for a man.

Kelly: Ed, timing is everything—
Capt. Mercer: Oh, come on! That's a cliché and it's a bunch of crap... People love saying that but it blows free will out the airlock. If two people care about each other, the choice to love should transcend timing and anything less is cowardice.

Tyler: Uh, can I ask our course heading?
Capt. Mercer: We're on our way to watch our second officer go to the bathroom... Anyway, welcome.

Isaac: Is there a reason your son has become uncharacteristically combative?
Dr. Finn: Isaac, I have no idea. I never raised a teenager before, and I don't have a clue as to how to get to him. It's like he hates me for no reason...
Isaac: Have you examined him for unidentified viruses or neurological disease?

---

Dr. Finn: My gosh, what's the matter with you?
Isaac: I am merely trying to assist.
Dr. Finn: Okay, well, then just... play something sweet and jazzy.

Gordon: Feels like too many zippers.
Lamarr: Oh, no, no. Always go with one more zipper than you're comfortable with.

Dann: We're just not super appealing, I guess. But sometimes a person can be special on the inside, and if you don't look under the surface, you could miss something great...

Gordon: Okay, this is level eight. What's level nine?
Lamarr: Level nine, she's still dating the guy.
Gordon: And level ten?
Lamarr: She's married and has a gun.
Gordon: So what do I do?
Lamarr: Just be creative, be charming. Figure it out.
Gordon: ... I have six months left to live, and all I want to do is get to know you before I die.

Dr. Finn: Isaac, do you think I'm a bad parent?
Isaac: Yes.
Dr. Finn: Well, a computer doesn't lie...
Isaac: You appear displeased.

Dr. Finn: Parenting is always guesswork, but... have I made too many bad guesses?

Cassius: I was actually defending you, and she said that I was being "too evolved," and I told her to calm down, and...
Capt. Mercer: Ooh. Ooh, you didn't say "calm down."

Capt. Mercer: Here's my theory. A woman can't really love a man unless he's part dope. Be a little stupid every day, and really stupid once in a while, but... just don't be perfect.
Cassius: That's not easy.

Cassius: Okay. Let's all just try to calm dow... err... try to be respectful of the process here.

Bortus: In the sight of those who stand with me, and those for whom I would sacrifice my being, I begin...
the release... Kalaskacha. Mech-gadlas fekto... roschas... baaaam... val... Ja'loja!

Olix: My friend, I have learned never to make predictions in matters of love. I'm usually dead wrong...

--
+ Quotes on the IMDb
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Let's Face the Music and Dance

The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel 2×6

Susie: Is he... Is he coming back down?
Midge: I don't know.
Susie: Should we wait?
Midge: I don't know.
Susie: Can we sit?
Midge: I don't know.

Shirley: Rosie, don't play dumb. We've all seen Abe in his little romper; it's hysterical.
Moishe: And so formfitting. Every cut of the mohel's knife on vivid display.

Joel: You're not eating, Astrid?
Astrid: No, I'm not. I'm fasting for Tisha B'Av.
Joel: What's that again?
Astrid: It's a day in remembrance of the destruction of the First and Second Temples, but I guess no one else gives a shit!!

Abe: This isn't about their breakup, Noah. No. That was centuries ago. Many things have happened since. Many suns have risen... and many have set.
Shirley: He's lost his mind...
Moishe: Like he's swallowed Gandhi.

Abe: I'll let you know when the time is right.
Midge: I'd like to tell her when we get back to the city.
Abe: No, when we get back, we unpack.
Midge: We'll unpack either way.
Abe: No, if everyone gets distracted, we won't unpack, and suitcases and boxes will be crowding the place for weeks. I can't live like that.
Midge: Fine, then after we unpack.
Abe: And get past Hanukkah.
Midge: Hanukkah? That's months away!

Susie: You know none of that's gonna happen, right? Especially the poet... Night, everybody. ... And whichever one of you is gonna change your name, don't. Use that shit.

Abe: If you're afraid, son, then be so, because here comes a classic knockdown, courtesy of Sir Isaac Newton's first and second laws of motion...

Moishe: Come on. She's your type: she's cute, she's quiet, she knows how to read...

Susie: I'm taking care of it, Stevie. Have plunger, will travel.

Abe: It's Speech Synthesis... It'll go way beyond just the production of words. The machine itself will eventually know what to say. We are talking artificial intelligence.
Noah: The future is now.
Abe: There are applications in cryptography, satellite communications...

Abe: I insisted they let me recruit my own team, because I wanted a certain diversity. I almost hired a woman...

Abe: No, wait, I have a security clearance. I think I deserve to know more.
Charles: I'm going to be frank with you, Abe. Your clearance level is extremely low. It allows you to see some non-consequential documents, but its level is not much above, say, the janitorial staff.
Dabney Franklin: Theirs may be higher, what with the disposal of documents, the shredding...
Charles: Yeah, I'm pretty sure the janitors have a higher security clearance than you.

Midge: You cold?.. You look cold. You can share the blanket.
Benjamin: I'm a man. I'm a Jew. I suffer.

---

Abe: We think we know Son-X, but we don't know Son-X.

Astrid: I'm not supposed to tell you.
Rose: Oh, of course. But it's complicated.
Astrid: Oy, doo zugst mir.

Rose: Does he keep in touch when he's away?
Astrid: He usually can't.
Rose: But if he's away and you need to reach him, are you able to?
Astrid: Not really.
Rose: What would you do in an emergency?
Astrid: Oh, I don't know. I can't just dial the operator and say, "Give me the CIA." It doesn't work that way.
Rose: Of course not.

Abe: Does he... kill people?
Rose: I don't think so.
Abe: I... I would like to know if my son kills people.

Susie: It's our ride.
Midge: It's a tank.
Susie: The rich girl in my cabin said she'd lend me her wheels. I didn't know it was gonna be the car the Archduke Ferdinand was assassinated in.
Midge: Do you crank it?
Susie: No, but when you start it, the sound will scare the crap out of you.

Shirley: That's the thing about mah-jongg. The longer you grind on... 14, 15, 16 hours... these alta kakas get dopey and they don't know what tiles they're passing. They don't even know their own names.

Rose: My God, I've only ever played mah-jongg for pennies. I've never lost $12.
Shirley: $12? Honey, no, I was down $1,200. Who would play for a lousy $12?
Rose: Shirley, you were down $1,200?!
Shirley: Oh, it sounds like a lot, but in mah-jongg it's not, really.

Shirley: Who would bring Cossacks into a room full of Jews?!!

Rose: Come on, Abe.
Abe: I don't want to—
Rose: We can dance here, or we can dance in Paris...

Joel: I guess it's time we dance with someone else.
Midge: I guess so.

--
On the IMDb
+ Soundtracks

+ Guide to Mrs. Maisel’s Best Catskills References

The Ersatz Elevator: Part One

A Series of Unfortunate Events 2×3

Lemony Snicket: The episode you are about to watch, assuming your eyes are open and tilted towards me, is a story which can teach you the difference between the word "nervous" and the word "anxious." The word "nervous" simply means "worried about something." The way you might feel if you were served prune ice cream, because you'd be worried it would taste awful... The word "anxious," on the other hand, means "troubled by disturbing suspense." The way you might feel if you were served a live alligator, because you'd be troubled by the disturbing suspense of whether you would eat your dessert or it would eat you...

Mr. Poe: It's a good likeness of a very bad person.

Doorperson: Sorry about the lighting. Dark is in.
Violet: In what?
Doorperson: Just in.

Doorperson: The elevator is not out of order. It's just out. I'll phone the penthouse and tell them to expect you within the hour...

Klaus: ...We're in the dark.
Lemony Snicket: The phrase "in the dark," which I'm sure you know, can refer to not only one's shadowy surroundings, but also to the secrets which might be surrounding you too.

Lemony Snicket: Every day, the sun goes down over all of these secrets, so everyone is in the dark in one way or another. If you are sunbathing in the park, for instance, but you do not know about the deep and dangerous pit nearby, then you are in the dark even though you are not actually in the dark. If you are on a midnight hike knowing full well that several ballerinas are following you, then you are not in the dark even though you are in the dark. Of course, it is quite possible to be in the dark in the dark, as well as to be not in the dark not in the dark. But there are so many secrets in this world that it is likely that you are always in the dark about something, whether you're in the dark in the dark or in the dark not in the dark. So you'll eventually fall into the deep and dangerous pit dug by several ballerinas, which is dark in the dark in the park.

Jerome Squalor: Alcoholic martinis are out and aqueous martinis are in.
Violet: Aqueous martinis?
Jerome Squalor: It's just cold water in a fancy glass with an olive in it.

Jerome Squalor: You know how it is... You get older. You find different interests. You marry a woman who despises all of your old friends... But there's no need to discuss such unpleasantness.

Esmé Squalor: Children, here are things you should know... Dark is in, light is out. Stairs are in, elevators are out. Pinstripe suits are...
Klaus: In.
Esmé Squalor: In. Yes. Those horrible clothes you're wearing are out.

---

Count Olaf: ...they will starve to death like castaways on desert island or vegetarian restaurant, please.

Esmé Squalor: Oh! Let's not talk about depressing things like others being kidnapped. Let's talk about exciting things happening to me, like the In Auction we're planning...

Esmé Squalor: Of course, all the money goes to a good cause.
Jerome Squalor: Aw! Which good cause?
Count Olaf: Me.
Esmé Squalor: Me. Every last penny goes to me.

Jerome Squalor: Shouldn't we give the proceeds to those who need it? Perhaps those starving people we were reading about?
Esmé Squalor: Starving people can't eat money. Plus, if we give money to poor people, they won't be poor, and we won't have anyone to feel sorry for.

Count Olaf: In my country, children do not interrupt married couple and foreign man turning tricks!

Jerome Squalor: Say cheese!
— Gorgonzola!

Olivia: I am talking about the parade of tsuris that has plagued the Baudelaires, the Quagmires, and who knows what other orphans, whose affairs you are supposed to be vice president of. "Tsuris" means "trouble" in Yiddish.
Mr. Poe: I know what "tsuris" means.

Olivia: I have taken an unpaid sabbatical from my job as a school librarian to come to the city and investigate. Frankly, the more I read, the more confused and upset I become.
Mr. Poe: The same thing happens when I read. It's why my wife and I prefer to curl up on the sofa and watch a few episodes of streaming television.

Esmé Squalor: Vodka martini? Are we living in garbage?

Esmé Squalor: Look at this place. Daily Punctilio says it's the innest thing since that bakery on 9th Street.
Violet: Café Salmonella?
Esmé Squalor: You're going to love the theme...

Jacques Snicket: My brother once said suspicious activity is like good jazz. We'll know it when we hear it.

Larry Youe-Waiter: Salmon bread served with salmon butter distilled from the head of a freshly caught salmon.

Lemony Snicket: The life cycle of the salmon is not unlike the life cycle of human beings, in that it begins in cozy circumstances, gets progressively colder, and often ends in suffering and tragedy.
Larry Youe-Waiter: Now this salmon here was burned alive.

Lemony Snicket: One of the most difficult aspects of a salmon's life cycle is when they swim upstream to spawn, a word which here means "spend quality time with the salmon they love most." Swimming upstream is a very difficult thing to do, because you are swimming against the current.

Esmé Squalor: Eating too much food for too much money is the essence of civilization.

Eleanora Poe: Every journalist knows when a foreign man gives you a tip, you should believe him without question.

Violet: You nervous?
Klaus: I'm anxious. I'm not sure if I'm ready to do this.
Violet: Me neither. If we wait until we're ready, we'll be waiting the rest of our lives.

--
+ Quotes on the IMDb
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Manchester by the Sea (2016)

Patrick: All my friends are here. I'm on the hockey team. I'm on the basketball team. I got to maintain our boat now. I work on George's boat two days a week. I got two girlfriends, and I'm in a band. You're a janitor in Quincy! What the hell do you care where you live?

Patrick: I'm just freaking out.
Lee: Okay, fine. But I can't let you freak out with the door closed.

Patrick: Why can't you help me out a little bit for once instead of dragging me to the lawyers and the funeral parlor and the morgue?

Patrick: Who are you going to shoot? You or me?

Lee: I can't beat it. I can't beat it.

--
+ Quotes on the IMDb
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Rhonda, Diana, Jake, and Trent

The Good Place 2×10

Jason: I don't know. This plan seems complicated...
Tahani: To be fair, you also once said that about an orange.
Jason: They don't make sense. Apples, you eat their clothes. But oranges you don't?

Jason: Forget this plan! I say we just huck a Molotov cocktail and... run through the portal. ... I'm telling you, Molotov cocktails work. Any time I had a problem, and I threw a Molotov cocktail, boom! Right away, I had a different problem.

Michael: There are nine hot dog torture departments. Making people into, stuffing people with...
Jason: Ooh, stuffing people sounds fun. Is that like shoving them into the throats of vegans?

Eleanor: The Museum of Human Misery?
Michael: Oh, yeah. It's a torture museum. Famous examples of bad behavior, and explanations of the torture they earned.
Jason: Is there a gift shop?
Michael: Jason, this is Hell. Of course there's a gift shop.

Eleanor: Damn, you're good at this.
Tahani: Well, hang out with Johnny Depp long enough, and you become pretty good at lying. Like, "No, you're whole thing isn't exhausting at all."

Eleanor, you're wearing glasses now. Help me!
Eleanor: You know the answer, dude. Lie your ass off.

Chidi: No! I told you lies have consequences! I will have contributed to someone's eternal torture because I disobeyed a basic Kantian moral principle! I'm gonna be sick, and I don't want to go back to the bathroom because they put mirrors in the toilet, and that makes you really confront what you're doing!

Eleanor: Okay. Sit down. Take a breath. Rub your lucky bookmark. Hear me out. What if lying is ethical in this situation? What if certain actions aren't universally good or bad? Like Jonathan Dancy says.
Chidi: Jonathan Dancy? Are you talking about moral particularism? We never even covered that. You read on your own?
Eleanor: You think just because I'm a straight hottie I can't read philosophy for fun?

Michael: Hey, guess what? I just solved the trolley problem. Remember? The thought experiment where you're driving the trolley, and you can either plow into a group of people or turn and hit one person? I solved it. ... See, the trolley problem forces you to choose between two versions of letting other people die. And the actual solution is very simple. Sacrifice yourself.

--
+ Quotes on the IMDb
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The Devil Wears Prada (2006)

Miranda Priestly: I don't understand why it's so difficult to confirm appointments.
Emily: I'm so sorry. I actually did confirm...
Miranda Priestly: Details of your incompetence do not interest me.

Miranda Priestly: Tell Simone I won't approve that girl she sent me for the Brazilian layout. I asked for clean, athletic, smiley. She sent dirty, tired and paunchy.

Miranda Priestly: Before today, you'd never heard of me?
Andy Sachs: No.
Miranda Priestly: And you have no style or sense of fashion.
Andy Sachs: Well... I think that depends on what you're...
Miranda Priestly: No, no. That wasn't a question.

Nigel: Corn chowder. That's an interesting choice. You do know that cellulite is one of the main ingredients in corn chowder?
Andy Sachs: None of the girls here eat anything?
Nigel: Not since two became the new four and zero became the new two.
Andy Sachs: Well, I'm a six.
Nigel: Which is the new 14.

Irv Ravitz: Congratulations, young lady. A million girls would kill for that job.

---

Andy Sachs: I'm still learning about all this stuff and, uh...
Miranda Priestly: «This stuff»? Oh, okay. I see. You think this has nothing to do with you. You go to your closet and you select... I don't know... that lumpy blue sweater, for instance because you're trying to tell the world that you take yourself too seriously to care about what you put on your back. But what you don't know is that that sweater is not just blue, it's not turquoise. It's not lapis. It's actually cerulean. And you're also blithely unaware of the fact that in 2002, Oscar de la Renta did a collection of cerulean gowns. And then I think it was Yves Saint Laurent... wasn't it who showed cerulean military jackets? I think we need a jacket here. And then cerulean quickly showed up in the collections of eight different designers. And then it, uh, filtered down through the department stores and then trickled on down into some tragic Casual Corner where you, no doubt, fished it out of some clearance bin. However, that blue represents millions of dollars and countless jobs and it's sort of comical how you think that you've made a choice that exempts you from the fashion industry when, in fact, you're wearing the sweater that was selected for you by the people in this room from a pile of «stuff».

Andy Sachs: There is no plan B. There's only plan A.

Emily: I rarely say this to people who aren't me... but you have got to calm down. Bloody hell.

Andy Sachs: It's a busy day. And my personal life is hanging by a thread, that's all.
Nigel: Well, join the club. That happens when you start doing well at work, darling. Let me know when your whole life goes up in smoke.

Nate: You know, in case you were wondering... The person whose calls you always take... that's the relationship you're in.

Andy Sachs: Is there anything else I can do?
Miranda Priestly: Your job. That's all.

Andy Sachs: What if this isn't what I want? I mean, what if I don't wanna live the way you live?
Miranda Priestly: Oh, don't be ridiculous, Andrea. Everybody wants this. Everybody wants to be us.

Miranda Priestly: Go.

--
+++ Quotes on the IMDb
+ Soundtracks

Born Dead

You're the Worst 2×3

Jimmy: Friends are for babies. And just because I fell in feces and all the kids called me "Shitty Jimmy," and I was the smartest kid in my class, that has nothing to do with why I don't need friends.

Vernon: Jimmy, I want to tell you something. I was born dead... No pulse. Totally blue. I died for, like, 15 minutes. Then... Bam! Alive. You should've seen the priest's face. If I could change just one thing about myself, it'd be that I was born alive. But you know what I realized? When it comes down to it, we're all born dead. It's only through other people, through friends, that we become alive. Not a last-second mucus vacuum.

--
+ Quotes on the IMDb
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Jesse Stone: Innocents Lost (2011)

Jesse Stone: No Remorse (2010) <<

Jesse Stone: I'm working on the new me.

Jesse Stone: How do I feel about that?
Luther 'Suitcase' Simpson: I don't know how I feel about that, Lou.
Rose Gammon: He's Jesse!
Luther 'Suitcase' Simpson: I know that.

Jesse Stone: I'm jogging.
Dr. Dix: Jogging clears your mind?
Jesse Stone: I hate jogging.
Dr. Dix: Why bother?
Jesse Stone: It clears my mind.

Jesse Stone: Most Golden Retrievers live for affection. He never seems to want any. I think he has issues.
Dr. Dix: What issues?
Jesse Stone: My issues. Fear of loss.

Luther 'Suitcase' Simpson: The information's out there. All you have to do is let it in, Rose.

Rose Gammon: We don't have detectives.

Jesse Stone: What are you looking at?

Jesse Stone: Your hair smells of violets.
Thelma Gleffey: Do you know what violets smell like?
Jesse Stone: No, but I'm sure violets would smell that way if I'd ever smelled a violet.

Thelma Gleffey: I don't mean this in any negative way, but you may be the simplest person I've ever met.
Jesse Stone: In what way?
Thelma Gleffey: You know what you want.

Hasty Hathaway: I'm very fond of you, Jesse.

---

Cindy Van Aldan: How would you know that?
Jesse Stone: I'm the police chief, I know everything.

Cindy Van Aldan: This is not right!
Jesse Stone: I'm not in the right and wrong business. I'm in the legal and illegal business.

Jesse Stone: I got hats older than you.

Jesse Stone: I'm not a good basket to put all your eggs in.

Jesse Stone: ...And I don't like them. They don't work anyway. Garbage disposals are supposed to dispose of your garbage. So why do you have to sort your garbage before you only dispose of some of it. Same thing.

Luther 'Suitcase' Simpson: You can only do what you can do, Jesse.

Jesse Stone: If you don't like the answers you're getting, check your premises.

Captain Healy: How do you know that, Jesse?
Jesse Stone: Small town.

Jesse Stone: I'm gonna get my job back, Rose. Fate won't do this to me.

Rose Gammon: Jesse, have you ever considered counseling?
Jesse Stone: You mean like a shrink?
Rose Gammon: Have you ever considered it?
Jesse Stone: Only crazy people see shrinks... I'm seeing one.

Rose Gammon: What are you gonna do, Jesse?
Jesse Stone: I'm gonna go home and feed Reggie.
Rose Gammon: Don't be cute.
Jesse Stone: It's hard for me not to be cute.

Gino Fish: You thinking about coming over to the dark side, Jesse Stone?
Jesse Stone: Not hardly.

Hasty Hathaway: It's been five days. And knowing you, I'm sure you've broken some laws by now.
Jesse Stone: I'd rather regret the things I've done than the things I haven't done.

Jesse Stone: You don't like this guy...
Gino Fish: What's not to dislike? These Russians, they have no code. "I will bow to no man," that's not a code.

Gino Fish: It was nice talking to you, Jesse Stone.

Jefferson Smith: '... There's no place out there for graft, or greed, or lies, or compromise with human liberties. And, uh, if that's what the grownups have done with this world that was given to them, then we'd better get those boys' camps started fast and see what the kids can do. And it's not too late, because this country is bigger than the Taylors, or you, or me, or anything else. Great principles don't get lost once they come to light. They're right here; you just have to see them again!'

Jefferson Smith: 'I guess this is just another lost cause, Mr. Paine...'

Jesse Stone: Don't turn around, Valery.

--
+ Quotes on the IMDb

>> Jesse Stone: Benefit Of The Doubt (2012)

Josh Is Irrelevant.

Crazy Ex-Girlfriend 3×6

Paula: Her phone is blowing up... Lots of concerned people, really sweet, very annoying.

Rebecca: It's like I was out of stories to tell myself that things would be okay...

Rebecca: Wait, so you have a new diagnosis for me? So I'm not anxious or OCD or depressed or any of the vague combo of things people have told me I am? Oh-oh, my God. What am I?

Rebecca: I have a new diagnosis. A new one! He just opened up a whole new future of possibilities for me. A new path for my life.

♪ What could it be? What could be right? ♪
♪ Schizophrenic or bipolar lite? ♪
♪ I've never heard voices ♪
♪ But maybe it's time to start... ♪

♪ Obsessives with numbers ♪
♪ Hoarders with cats ♪
♪ I could really rock a tinfoil hat ♪
♪ Perfect they're not, but at least they know ♪
♪ Who they are ♪

♪ ...Who I'm meant to be ♪
♪ Armed with my diagnosis... ♪

Dr. Shin: It's important to keep in mind that nobody's diagnosis is simple or covers everything... It's also important to not look up the diagnosis online before we have a chance to get into it, okay?

Dr. Shin: It is my belief that, while you do have some symptoms of anxiety, depression, OCD and possibly PTSD... ... It is my opinion that you exhibit many of the characteristics of borderline personality disorder.

Rebecca: Um, just a couple questions, um... How did I get BPD? Is BPD curable? How serious is BPD? Is BPD easy to fix? Is BPD genetic? Did I get the BPD from my mother? I got it from my mother, right?

---

Rebecca: Hot-ass doctor, telling me not to look things up online. Oh, I'm gonna look things up online, hot-ass doctor. All right. “What is borderline personality disorder?” .... Nope. No. No, no, no. No.

Rebecca: So, um, I got the worst diagnosis ever, basically, um... It's, uh, called borderline personality disorder, and I read two and a half sentences about it, and they were the worst sentences ever, and I don't want to know any more. And it's all just awful.

Rebecca: I don't have an illness, I have a personality disorder. It's not something I have, it's something I am.

Valencia: You are an inspiration to hundreds of people. There is a Facebook group in Venezuela that's completely devoted to you. It's called El Buncho Valiente.

Heather: What is wrong with you? You're using your friend's crisis to get swag? I mean, not to judge, V, like, at all, but what you're doing is pathetic and vain and stupid and cringey and trendy and selfish and basic.

Valencia: Rebecca's story and her courage and my courage sharing her courage is inspiring an entire movement.

Josh: Suicide is a cardinal sin, and I almost sin-assisted. No, this is on me, man.

Dr. Akopian: All right, in order to receive a diagnosis for BPD, a person has to have at least five of the following nine tendencies... Just keep an open mind. Okay? Okay, the first one is severe mood swings...

Rebecca: Paula, all those things were me. I don't have five... I have nine.

Rebecca: Yeah, the verdict's in. I am officially, medically, certifiably, protocolly “crazy.”

Rebecca: The way I felt on that plane, I don't, I don't ever want to feel like that again. And now that I know... what I have, I hope I can get the help that I need, but... the truth is, I don't know what the future holds. So I just can't promise anything to anyone, even myself.

Rebecca: So I'm here. And I'm ready to face it all.

Rebecca: I haven't thought about him in days. Truly. I mean, it-it's almost like... Josh is irrelevant. It's not even about Josh. Maybe it never was...

--
On the IMDb
+ Soundtracks

Midnight at the Concord

The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel 2×5

Moishe: Now, give these free clothes to all the workers... Maisel and Roth gave them all those brand-new, slightly damaged but perfectly good free clothes.
Shirley: Yes, that's why we don't tip.
Moishe: You don't tell people that, Shirley.
Shirley: Well, people wonder. An explanation never hurts.

Buzz: Simon says spin like a dreidel.

Susie: It's been a real suck my donkey dick kind of day, boy.

Midge: Oh, my day's been crazy. This morning was waffle breakfast day, which is very popular, and people get nuts. You have to rush the condiment table really quick if you want to get your topping before your waffle gets cold. After waffles, I lost $2.00 to Dorothy Kulgberg at ping-pong. Took a class on how to do a Cleopatra eye, which I soon discovered is one look I cannot pull off. Then, right before I fucked up Simon Says, I had to rush back to the cottage to get my brother and sister-in-law's room ready for their arrival, and I completely lost track of time and missed my pastels class.

Rose: Have you ever taken a bus?
Midge: No, but how hard can it be? Get on and sit. I can get on and sit.

Abe: I play to win. And to win, I need information. I need to determine my best angles, velocity, wind resistance...

Moishe: Listen to me, you mashugana alta kaka. You do not tell me what I should know! I know! I want what I paid for. You hear me, you goddamn schvantz? Hold on. Hello, putz. You cheating, lying... No, no, no, don't even try to... Abi gezunt dos leben ken zikh ale mol nemen. I will not retract that!

Benjamin: I have tickets to a Broadway show... Tomorrow night. New play, a patient gave them to me.
Midge: So you work on the barter system?
Benjamin: People think if they buy me things, I'll work harder to keep them alive.
Midge: Are they right?
Benjamin: Yes.

Benjamin: Your shoes match your purse. How does that happen?
Midge: Witchcraft.

Midge: I've never walked out halfway through a play before. I feel a little dirty, like... like, we could go back in and we're not. I feel so grown up, so alive.
Benjamin: Wait till you throw your program in the trash.

Midge: He's brilliant. He gets arrested for the things he says. Can you imagine? Arresting a comedian.
Benjamin: Anyone who makes people think for themselves is very dangerous.
Midge: Deep.
Benjamin: I am very deep.

Midge: Right now I'm up in the Catskills.
Lenny Bruce: Borscht Belt, huh? You know, what, uh, resorts are you playing?

Lenny Bruce: Does he know?
Midge: Know what?
Lenny Bruce: That you've been corrupted. Lured to the dark side of the microphone.

---

Midge: Uh, some quick menu tips: great sandwiches, good soups, stay away from the Italian specialties, unless you like mediocre Greek food.

Midge: I'm a comedian. I'm a standup. I do comedy. I go to clubs at night and tell jokes. Like Lenny Bruce.

Susie: I looked all over this nightmare place trying to find you. I went to bingo and bunny hop and color your face. Nowhere. I went to the beauty parlor, and the indoor skating rink... a skating rink, in the middle of summer! What group of total and complete assholes needs a skating rink in the middle of summer?! How the fuck did these people make it out of the desert to begin with?!

Midge: Okay. I'll be there.
Susie: Be there.
Midge: I just said I'll be there.
Susie: Because if you're not there, in my travels today, I found a lot of places I could hide your body with minimal digging. Understand?

Astrid: So I went to Chinatown and I bought this herbal paste that you're supposed to put on during certain times when certain things are happening or supposed to be happening or are probably happening to most people anyway, but theoretically, when things could be happening, just to someone else but never to me, you put it on.
Midge: Ugh, it's so strong. It's like a mixture of ammonia and Esther's diaper.
Astrid: So you put the paste on, which I did, and then a month later, you're supposed to get pregnant. They didn't tell me about the smell. I don't think... they might have. They're Chinese.

Susie: What are you doing? Are you counting?
Midge: I just want to know how much bigger this room is than any other room I've ever played in my entire life.
Susie: Who gives a shit if it's a bigger room? It's still just a room. It's the same audience. There will be dumb people and drunk people and loud people and people throwing up in the corner. Just... more than you're used to.

Melvin: Dressing room's in the back. Get your makeup on. She better look funny!

Susie: Now, let's go find you a drink.
Midge: I don't need a drink.
Susie: Eh, place this big, you're gonna need a drink.

Susie: Big room is just more people to fall in love with you.

Midge: Here we are in the Catskills, and I'm starving. Where can you get a decent meal around here?.....

Midge: What kind of sadists feed you ten meals a day, then tell you to put on a fucking bikini and go find a husband?

Midge: My first everything happened in the Catskills. Everything...

Midge: ...my father looks like what you'd think a Columbia professor would look like. Lots of brown and tweed and plaid and a scowl of intellectual superiority because he is intellectually superior. He is very smart. My mother once told me that she pictured having sex with his mind on their wedding night so she didn't have to think about his penis. She did not say that!

Susie: Ha! That's the way to do it. You had them. You own them. No one in that audience is ever gonna be the same.

Susie: Are we in trouble?

--
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The Heart Attack

Seinfeld 2×8

Seinfeld: You know, I gotta say that I'm enjoying adulthood for a lot of reasons. I'll tell you reason number one: As an adult, if I want a cookie, I have a cookie, okay?

Seinfeld: So what if you ruin an appetite? As an adult, we understand even if you ruin an appetite... there's another appetite coming right behind it. There's no danger in running out of appetites. I've got millions of them. I ruin them whenever I want.

Jerry: Women go after doctors like men go after models. They want someone with knowledge of the body. We just want the body.

George: I've been going to doctors all my life. What's it gotten me? I'm 33, I haven't outgrown the problems of puberty... I'm already facing the problems of old age. I completely skipped healthy adulthood.

Elaine: A kiss? With the tongue? The glossa with the bumps and the papillae? I don't think so.

Jerry: So how much is this thing gonna cost you, like 5000, 6000?... Whew. Well, live and learn. At least we lived...

--
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Office Christmas Party (2016)

Josh Parker: You know, maybe we should just go get some gift cards.
Clay Vanstone: That's exactly what we should do! "Here's a gift card because I don't know you and I don't care and I won't get in trouble for it."

Clay Vanstone: It's so hard to shop for the bald. Who are they? What do they want?
Josh Parker: Hair.

Clay Vanstone: I want to be completely honest with you, Josh... I wasn't paying attention, so I didn't hear your question.
Josh Parker: I can repeat it.
Clay Vanstone: I'd rather you didn't. Because I can tell by your face that it's serious. And I want to tell you seriously, it's almost Christmas. Relax.

Mary: It's not a Christmas party. It's a non-denominational holiday mixer. More inclusive.

Josh Parker: Maybe you shouldn't have promised them bonuses...
Clay Vanstone: No, first rule of business, shoot for the moon and you'll land on the sun.
Josh Parker: I'd love to know where you read that.

Carol Vanstone: I don't see happy. I see crappy.

Clay Vanstone: God, I know I haven't asked you for much in this life. Granted, I was born rich. And white. And male. And straight. Except for that one time. But that's Las Vegas. But tonight I need you to bless this party. This party has to rock.

Mary: ...And remember that tonight the decisions you make will have consequences that will haunt you for the rest of your professional lives. And... And so have fun.

---

Josh Parker: Can this thing handle snow?
Mary: Oh, please. It's a Kia. It's what God would drive.

Carol Vanstone: PULL OVER, YOU FUCKING IDIOT!!!
Josh Parker: Or, the nice supportive version?...
Carol Vanstone: Pull over, fucking idiot!

Carol Vanstone: Point being, you have to adjust your numbers to account for real world conditions. Simple. Or did they not teach that to you in hacker college?

Jeremy: I still hate your rules. But your dancing is wild and free. Like an unmanned fire hose.
Mary: Put your pants on... For now.

Carol Vanstone: I have a fun side.
Clay Vanstone: I've seen it many a time.
Carol Vanstone: I mean... Off the top of my head, I...
Clay Vanstone: Remember that Thanksgiving that you taught everybody the real rules of Monopoly? With the bidding wars and the strict time limit and...
Carol Vanstone: Yeah, that wasn't fun.

Clay Vanstone: I gotta tell you, l was always like, "Tracey, this doesn't make any sense," and she was like, "Words, words, words and some numbers." But she did it.

Mary: You know red lights are just suggestions.

--
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We're Going to the Catskills!

The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel 2×4

Abe: You can't bring everything!
Midge: Next is clamdiggers...
Rose: It's the Catskills; you can't have too many clamdiggers.
Abe: Yes, you can!

Midge: What about picnic dresses? We each have four. Should I bring them all?
Rose: There may be four picnics...
Abe: Or you can wear the same picnic dress to more than one picnic!
Rose: Oh, Abe.
Midge: Papa, you're too much.

Midge: Papa, please do not micromanage this. We have a system.
Abe: Your system is to bring everything you own!

Abe: Ladies, we've been over this. The trailer has 163 cubic feet of space. Do you understand? There's finite capacity! ... I've made precisely scaled models. ... They're not toys! ... They're cute, yes, but they're not toys. And right now, after much effort, all our tiny luggage fits in our tiny trailer.

Susie: Alone, I am a spittoon; with you, I'm a somebody.
Midge: That's not true, Susie. They respect you because they fear you; you're great at what you do.
Susie: Mm, half of them respect me, maybe. The other half want to get in your pants.
Midge: Oh, stop.
Susie: It's gonna happen. I mean, look at you. It's like a dollop of whipped cream grew a head.

Midge: What's this?
Susie: Gigs. My typewriter lost its "S." That's why it says "Aturday," "Unday." You went to college; you can figure it out.

Susie: You're going to the Catskills for two months?!
Midge: I told you a million times I was going to the Catskills.
Susie: Yeah, but I figured it was five days, tops, not two fucking months.

Susie: What the hell do you do up there for two months?
Midge: Lots of things.
Susie: What things? You look at a tree, you go to bed, you get up, you look at a tree. You gonna do that for two straight months? What the fuck is going on up there?

Midge: There's activities. We go boating, we sunbathe... What do you do for the summer?
Susie: I stay here. And I sweat. And I smell like a bum. And I'm miserable, and I want to kill people. And I do that till it gets cold.

---

Susie: How many times do I have to say this? We are coworkers, not friends. Want some proof? Look... No friendship ring. Case closed.

Pauly: ...And on the bright side, you're free to load up on rice pudding tonight.

Buzz: Hey, now, what are all these employees doing standing around? Get on up here and help me lead the group in the "Steiner Resort Welcome Song." One, two, three, four.

Buzz: Just the girls now.
—— ♪ Play all day and dance all night ♪
Buzz: Now the boys.
—— ♪ All us happy Israelites... ♪

Joel: Did I miss the bear shit joke?

Pauly: Always expect the unexpected here at Steiner Mountain Resort. Well, you know what I always say. Abi gezunt! Everybody! Abi?
—— Gezunt!

Rose: Weird! I've got the perfect girl for him...

Joel: [I] used to love fireworks. Now they're just... Lights in the sky.

Joel: You think we're ever really forgiven for the mistakes we've made?
Benjamin: Who do you want doing the forgiving? God?
Joel: People.
Benjamin: People never forgive. Not in my experience. They say they do, but they don't. I'm not even sure forgiveness really matters.

Benjamin: Well, what is it, forgiveness? It doesn't mean anything. I mean, you still did what you did, right? Nothing's changed. Forgiveness is a mindset. Synapses in your brain telling you to think differently about something that's already happened. It's amorphous. It's not really there. And if it's not really there... what is it?
Joel: God, I hope that's not true.

Benjamin: Just do what I do, stay away from people. If you're not around them, there are no mistakes to be made.

--
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