Wilfred 1x2

Trust

“Trust thyself only, and another shall not betray thee.”
Thomas Fuller

& Ryan: My ex, Paula... she’s getting married.
    Wilfred: How’d she dump you?
    Ryan: Actually, I dumped her. ... We were dating for about a year, and then one night out of the blue, we’re in bed, and she sticks her finger in my butt. Just like that, without any discussion. Freak.
    Wilfred: If you dumped a tidy piece like that over the saintly act of knuckle-busting your anus hole, I’d say that makes you the freak.
    Ryan: What, I’m supposed to put a ring on that finger?
    Wilfred: Ryan, I think you’re not being honest with yourself about this breakup. There’s a deeper issue here. Deeper than Paula’s finger could ever reach.

& Wilfred: Have you ever been in a sack race?
    Ryan: What does that have to do with anything?
    Wilfred: Everything has to do with everything, Ryan.

& Ryan: Okay, we’re almost there. Here’s your 3-D glasses.
    Wilfred: They look like welding goggles.
    Ryan: I know. Pretty high tech, huh?

& Wilfred: I just thought now we’re best mates, you might want to play a bit of ball first, at least buy me a drink, but no, you skipped all that, and went straight to rooting me in the ass!

---

& Wilfred: It’s a conspiracy, Ryan! And you’re playing right into their hands! Yeah! Wake up, dumb shits! The American Veterinarian Medical Association is a front controlled by a shadow organization funded by FEMA! The puppet master is Bob Barker! Don’t let them take... my... balls.

& Ryan: Hey, how are you feeling?
    Wilfred: I’ll kill you. I’ll murder you in your sleep.

& Ryan: Wilfred, this is Dr. Bangachon.
    Wilfred: I need a doctor, not tech support.

& Ryan: I have a chance with Jenna?
    Wilfred: No way. Never happen.
    Ryan: Why not? I... I’m not good enough for her? She’s so perfect?
    Wilfred: She’s not perfect, Ryan. I just... say she is, because I want so much for it to be true. But she has a flaw. A big one.
    Ryan: Whatever it is, it can’t be that bad.
    Wilfred: It is bad, Ryan. She... has...
    Ryan: What? What does she have?!
    Wilfred: Mustn’t betray her trust.
    Ryan: Tell me!
    Wilfred: J... Jenna has... a... dick.

& Jenna: Nothing says thank you like vegan tofu wraps.
    Ryan: Great. I love tofu.
    Jenna: You’re kidding! Tofu? Weak! Got us some big, greasy Philly cheesesteaks.
    Ryan: Should I open a bottle of wine?
    Jenna: With cheesesteaks?.. It’s got to be beer, right?
    Ryan: A woman who drinks beer... That’s sort of... rare and unusual.

& Wilfred: For the last time, he does not have a dick!
    Ryan: He?!
    Wilfred: Stop twisting my words!

& Ryan: Look, there’s something you should know about me. I’ve been trying to hide it, but... it’s time I tell someone the truth. I know it’s gonna sound crazy, but... here goes. I’m awkward.

& Wilfred: People fart much more than they care to realize. I constantly am smelling fart feelings. Sometimes it-it-it’s fear... or lust or joy. Now, joy farts, now, they are amazing. Everything I need to know about someone I can glean from their asshole. Some people think that eyes are the window into the soul. Couldn’t be more wrong.


+ on Imdb.

+ BTW, something (interesting) about Trust: "...trust is ultimately about the expectation of rewards. We see trust as such a noble trait, but it’s ultimately rooted in a greedy calculation, emanating from our primal dopaminergic circuitry..."