Graeme Willy: Since we were kids.
Clive: Yeah. Now look at us... Grown men. Pizza!!
& Graeme: Let’s just agree to disagree, all right?
& Graeme: Do you believe in aliens?
Indian waiter: What do you mean, “aliens”?
& Paul: I wouldn’t do that if I were you. Put the phone down.
Graeme: Oh, fuck me.
& Graeme: What have you done to him?
Paul: I didn’t do anything to him. He fainted.
Graeme: Yeah, but you made him faint!
Paul: Yes. But it’s not like I set my phaser to “Faint.”
Graeme: You’ve got a phaser?!
& Graeme: Are you an alien?
Paul: To you, I am, yes.
Graeme: Are you gonna probe us?
Paul: Why does everyone always assume that? What am I doing? Am I harvesting farts? How much can I learn from an ass?
& Paul: Look, man. Sometimes, you just gotta roll the dice.
& Graeme: How come I can understand you? Are you using some sort of neural language router?
Paul: Actually, I’m speaking English, you fucking idiot.
& Graeme: Clive, stop it! What are you doing? What are you? He’s okay. He’s fine. He’s friendly. His name’s Paul.
Clive: Aliens aren’t called “Paul.”
Paul: Was that Klingon? You psychotic nerd!
& Clive: Am I the only sane person here? Eh? You’ll go back to Area 51. We’ll be arrested for harbouring a fugitive and sent to Guantanamo Bay!
Paul: Why don’t I go make some bagels and coffee? Leave you two alone.
& Graeme: What’s the matter, Clive?
Clive: There is an alien in the kitchenette, making bagels and coffee.
Paul: Did you want tea?
Clive: No, I don’t want tea!
Paul: Right, because tea is weird in America.
& Clive: What’s weird, Graeme, is the fact that we’ve picked up an extraterrestrial hitchhiker and you seem completely fine with it!
Graeme: He said his life’s in danger. He needs our help, you know? Sometimes, you’ve just gotta roll the dice.
Clive: What if we wake up and find him inserting a probe into our anus?
Graeme: Apparently, they don’t do that.
Paul: Anyone want one of these?
& Agent Zoil: Listen to me, Frik and Fuck...
& Sheriff: Where are you boys from?
Graeme: England.
Clive: England.
Sheriff: I heard about England. No guns.
Graeme: Not many.
Clive: Not really. Just, you know, farmers.
Sheriff: How are police supposed to shoot anybody?
Graeme: They don’t.
Clive: They try not to.
& Graeme: You’d be surprised how much he’s influenced popular culture over the last 60 years.
Clive: Agent Mulder was right.
Paul: Agent Mulder was my idea!
& Ruth: All right, well, then, please explain how something as complex as the human eye simply just comes into being.
Paul: It didn’t just come into being. It is the culmination of billions of years of development across countless species.
Ruth: What are you talking about?
Paul: Evolution, baby.
& Ruth: Nothing that you can say can shake my belief or faith in the sure and certain knowledge that God made heaven and earth and created us all in His own image.
Paul: Oh, his own image?
Ruth: Yeah.
Paul: Well, I got a question. ... How do you explain me?
Graeme: She’s going, she’s falling. Catch...
Paul: And that’s Jenga!
& Ruth: You’ve been deceived by an agent of Satan himself. He’s evil!
Paul: Hey, I’m sitting right here, come on!
Graeme: No, he’s not evil, he’s just a bit rude. We’re trying to help him get home. He’s from another world.
Ruth: There’s only one world, our world! The world that our God, the Father, created!
Paul: If it makes you feel any better my existence only disproves traditional notions of the Abrahamic, Judeo-Christian God, as well as all one-world theologies. That’s all I meant.
Ruth: Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound...
Paul: You can’t win with these people!
& Ruth: So there’s no heaven. No hell, no right, no wrong, no sin?
Graeme: Well...
Ruth: I can drink?
Graeme: If you like.
Ruth: I can fornicate?
Graeme: Maybe.
Ruth: I can curse?
Graeme: Well, yeah.
Ruth: Penises!
Graeme: Ruth.
Ruth: Assing, hairy boobs, poop-farting buttholes!
& Graeme: Stop it!
Ruth: Why? Why should I stop?
Graeme: This is not... Because you have your whole life to explore new things. Okay? It doesn’t necessarily mean you should be exploring mine right now.
& Paul: What have you got there, by the way?.. Severe epiretinal membrane complicated by macular edema in your left vitreous cavity?
Ruth: How did you know that?
Paul: Lucky guess. Do you mind if I take a look at it for one second? What does it say in the Old Testament? “An eye for an eye”?..
& Ruth: Fuckeroo. That was the best titty-farting sleep I have ever had.
Paul: I got a feeling that you’re new to cursing, Ruth. Look, cursing’s fun. You just gotta pick your moments, okay?
& Ruth: Motherfucking titty-sucking two-balled bitch!
& Ruth: Sorry you got killed by my dad.
Graeme: That’s fine. Do you want to try that kiss again?
Ruth: Fuck, yeah.
& Paul: It’s safe to say we’ve all learned something from this. Be yourselves. Speak from your heart. Some shit like that, I don’t know.
& Paul: Hugs? Come on. ... Clive, I can feel your boner. ... Till next time.
+ on Imdb.
! The Big Guy is Sigourney Weaver?!?! Wow. Impressed :)
+ Jane Lynch (aka Sue Silvester from Glee).
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