The Duel

The Office 5×11

Jim Halpert: Andy still doesn't know that Angela is having an affair with Dwight. And it's been 17 days... I mean, eventually he'll figure it out when their kids have giant heads and beet-stained teeth. But right now, it's just awkward.

Michael Scott: How can he still not know?
Jim Halpert: We can't figure that out.

Oscar Martinez: Are you still having intercourse with her?... What is wrong with you? She is engaged!... Did you ever have intercourse in this office? Are you serious? Where? Where? Where, Dwight?!
Dwight Schrute: Seems like you already know where...

Dwight Schrute: Rule 17, don't turn your back on bears, men you have wronged, or the dominant turkey during mating season... There are 40 rules all Schrute boys must learn before the age of five. Learn your rules / You better learn your rules / if you don't you'll be eaten in your sleep

Jim Halpert: Michael, once this gets out...
Michael Scott: Yes?
Jim Halpert: ...I don't know how it's gonna go down. Might get ugly.
Michael Scott: Jim, this has to get out so we can all deal with it.
Jim Halpert: But you're leaving!
Kevin Malone: Have a good trip.
Michael Scott: Thanks.
Michael Scott: I do not have much time... To tell you what I have to tell you. And just bear in mind that when I say these things that are bad things that you hear in your ears, this is something that I, if I were you, that I wouldn't want to hear.
Andy Bernard: You're not making any sense.
Michael Scott: Well, no, I'm not. So I, I'm not very articulate today, so I'll just leave it for another time. Another day.

Andy Bernard: Just answer the question. Are you sleeping with Dwight?
Angela Martin: A little bit.

David Wallace: So listen, Michael, your branch has been doing great lately, and your sales staff is reporting very strong numbers. Outperforming last year, in fact. And I don't know exactly how to put this, but... what are you doing right?
Michael Scott: Right what?

Michael Scott: David, here it is. My philosophy is basically this. And this is something that I live by, and I always have, and I always will. Don't ever, for any reason, do anything to anyone for any reason ever, no matter what, no matter where, or who, or who you are with, or where you are going, or where you've been ever, for any reason whatsoever...

Michael Scott: Sometimes I'll start a sentence and I don't even know where it's going. I just hope I find it along the way. Like an improv conversation. An improversation.

Angela Martin: Standard, you know. Nothing fancy.
Andy Bernard: So, like, missionary?
Angela Martin: I said nothing fancy!

Andy Bernard: Okay, fine. Good! A duel.
Dwight Schrute: The winner gets Angela.
Andy Bernard: Fine!
Dwight Schrute: Fine!

Meredith Palmer: I've had two men fight over me before. Usually it's over which one gets to hold the camcorder.

Jim Halpert: Angela, you have to put a stop to this right now.
Angela Martin: I will respect the results of the duel.

Michael Scott: Wow, what a day. I thought I was gonna get chewed out, but hold on, here's an attaboy for you. What? Rollercoaster ride. Rollercoaster. It just goes to show, you leave Scranton, exciting things can happen.

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