Stress Relief

The Office 5×13

Dwight Schrute: Last week, I gave a fire safety talk, and nobody paid any attention. It's my own fault for using PowerPoint. PowerPoint is boring. People learn in lots of different ways, but experience is the best teacher.

Dwight Schrute: Today, smoking is going to save lives...

Michael Scott: Okay, we're trapped. Everyone for himself!

Michael Scott: No, no, no, no, you will not die! Stanley! Stanley! You will not die! Stanley! Stanley! Barack is President! You are black, Stanley!

David Wallace: How could you possibly think this is a good idea?
Dwight Schrute: A lot of ideas were not appreciated in their time. Electricity...
Michael Scott: Shampoo...

Dwight Schrute: I just want to say, for the record, I did not kill anyone. Stanley was attacked by his own heart.

Dwight Schrute: Well, I guess we papered over that pretty nicely. Always amuses me when corporate thinks they can make some big change with a 20-minute meeting in some fancy high rise.

Michael Scott: Nobody should have to go to work thinking, "Oh, this is the place that I might die today." That's what a hospital's for. An office is for not dying. An office is a place to live life to the fullest, to the max. To... An office is a place where dreams come true.

Michael Scott: Don't excite him. Don't make him excitable. Welcome back, Stanley.

Michael Scott: You know who I really think should go? Stanley.
Stanley Hudson: Oh, I don't know...
Phyllis Lapin: It's not a good idea, Michael. He needs to rest.
Michael Scott: No rest for the sick. We are not always going to be there to coddle your heart back when it disappears to be working. What are you going to do if you're by yourself and your heart stops?
Stanley Hudson: I would die.
Michael Scott: And you're okay with that?
Stanley Hudson: I'm okay with the logic of it.

Stanley Hudson: Yes, I had a heart attack. I would quit, but I'm too old to find another job. And I don't have enough saved to retire. I feel like I'm working in my own casket.

Michael Scott: Okay, okay, I'll show them. Here we go. All right.
Rose: So assessing the situation. Are they breathing?
Michael Scott: No, Rose. They are not breathing. And they have no arms or legs.
Rose: No, that's not part of it.
Michael Scott: Where are they? You know what? If we come across somebody with no arms or legs, do we bother resuscitating them? I mean, what kind of quality of life do we have there?

Pam Beesly: We don't normally download films illegally because we're honest, hard-working people.
Jim Halpert: And we don't know how.
Pam Beesly: But Andy does, so we have to watch it with him.
Jim Halpert: Punishment fits the crime.

Michael Scott: Corporate has given Dwight two strikes. ... So, as a disciplinary measure, he is going to have to issue a formal apology. Dwight, have you prepared your statement of regret?
Dwight Schrute: I have.
Michael Scott: Let's hear it.
Dwight Schrute: ... I state my regret.
Jim Halpert: You couldn't have memorized that?
Dwight Schrute: I could not because I do not feel it.

Dwight Schrute: Okay, everyone, I'm going to need you to sign this statement of regret as an acknowledgment that you heard it. Okay? Everyone come on up here. It's not a big deal.
Phyllis Lapin: It is a big deal. You almost killed Stanley.
Dwight Schrute: Yeah, right. I filled him full of butter and sugar for 50 years and forced him not to exercise. Now take a lesson from Stanley and jog on up here and sign this. Okay? Make a line. Just form a line right here. Sign it! Sign it now!

Michael Scott: Everybody sit on the floor, Indian-style like me... My God, if you're wearing a dress, please keep your knees together, nobody wants to see that.

Michael Scott: So what kind of ice cream do you want? Yell it out.
Meredith Palmer: Chunky Monkey!
Michael Scott: Too expensive.
Stanley Hudson: Chocolate.
Michael Scott: Racism is dead, Stanley. You can have any kind of ice cream you want. What do you want?

Michael Scott: Remember when people used to say "boss" when they were describing something that was really cool? Like, "Those shoulder pads are really boss, man." "Look at that perm. That perm is so boss." It's what made me want to become a boss. And I looked so good in a perm and shoulder pads. But now boss is just slang for "jerk in charge."

Michael Scott: Okay, everybody, I figured it out. The reason that you are all so stressed around me is that you are too intimidated to tell me what you really think. You are keeping these feelings inside and that is causing stress. So, what is the solution? Solution is honesty, laughter and comedy. In short...
Kelly Kapoor: A vacation.
Michael Scott: What? No. No. I'm talking about a roast of Michael Scott.

Michael Scott: It's not offensive during a roast. Anything goes. And I want you guys to really get cracking on this. I want you to take me down. Don't hold back. I want you to really make fun of anything about me. It could be my race, could be the fact that I'm so fit, or I'm a womanizer, fair game. Whatever. I don't want to write your stuff for you, but I just want it to be good.

Michael Scott: Welcome to the roast of Mr. Michael Scott. If you are here for the Grabowski wedding, it is the second door on the left.

Dwight Schrute: What I hate about you, you really suck as a boss. You're the laziest, jerkiest and you're dumber than an apple sauce. We're stuck listening to you all day. Stanley tried to die just to get away.

Michael Scott: You know, sometimes to get perspective, I like to think about a spaceman on a star incredibly far away, and our problems don't matter to him because we're just a distant point of light. But he feels sorry for me because he has an incredibly powerful microscope and he can see my face... I'm okay-- No, I'm not.

Michael Scott: Well, I wrote them down so I wouldn't forget... Jim, you're 6'11" and you weigh 90 pounds. Gumby has a better body than you. Boom. Roasted. Dwight, you're a kiss-ass. Boom. Roasted. Pam, you failed art school. Boom. Roasted. Meredith, you've slept with so many guys you're starting to look like one. Boom. Roasted. Kevin, I can't decide between a fat joke and a dumb joke. Boom. Roasted. Creed, your teeth called, your breath stinks. Boom. Roasted. Angela, where's Angela? Well, there you are. I didn't see you behind that grain of rice. Boom. Roasted. Stanley, you crush your wife during sex and your heart sucks. Boom. Roasted. Oscar, you are... Oscar, you're gay. Andy, Cornell called, they think you suck and you're gayer than Oscar. Boom. Roasted. Boom. Roasted. All right. All right, everybody. You know I kid. You know I kid. You guys are the reason that I went into the paper business. So, good night, God bless. God bless America. And get home safe.

Michael Scott: They say that laughter is the best medicine, so, Stanley, you can throw away those pills. You are cured... Actually, better hold on to the pills, just in case.

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