Never Ricking Morty

Rick and Morty 4x6

Morty: How did you not recognize me? Didn't you create the disguises?
Rick: When I create shit, it works, Morty. It's called being talented.

Rick: It's not a real train, it's a story device. Literally. A literal literary device quite literally metaphorically containing us.
Morty: A simulation.
Rick: Worse. An anthology.

Rick: Wow, you are just... ladies and gentlemen, the Jackie Chan of human shielding. Who takes the time to get this good at... [BLEEP] this.

Rick: Of course this thing is just a [BLEEP] circle. You'd think it was so God damn complicated...

Morty: I don't like how meta this is getting, Rick.
Rick: Shut up, Morty. You're 14. You watch videos of people on YouTube reacting to [BLEEP] YouTube. I'll be the judge of when we get too meta.

Rick: Keep moving. We have to get to the return threshold before the ticking clock on your suit gets to zero.
Why would you put ticking clock...
Rick: Because if it's too easy to get there, we'll never get there. If you don't want to be meta stop, deconstructing shit.

Rick: Morty, do you know what the Bechdel Test is?
Morty: The what?
Rick: For God's sake, Morty, the formula for measuring female agency in a story proposed by lesbian cartoonist Allison... what the hell are they teaching you in that school?!
Morty: Other stuff!
Rick: Then you've killed us both!
Morty: Why is lesbian part of her job title?!
Rick: Oh, now you're progressive?!

Rick: Morty, Morty. Two women. They both have to have names and talk to each other about something... other than a man...

Ruth Bader Ginsburg: I'm that Supreme Court lady, and you [BLEEP] did it.

Rick: Great job, Morty. A feminist masterpiece. Hey, look. Guess who's got two penises and all the agency?
Story Lord: Rick and Morty.

Rick: I should've known you were behind this, and I did.

---

Morty: Who is this guy?
Rick: Ugh. He's like a Matrix Space Frasier.

Story Lord: You of all people know, Rick, there can be no destination without a journey.
Rick: I don't know that at all. I regularly teleport.
Story Lord: Oh, of course. No rules for you. Spiraling through the multiverse, burping semi-improvised dialogue about how nothing matters, so we may as well pull out our [BLEEP] and rub them on fate's glaring teeth like we're brushing fate's teeth, but we're using your gross, dirty [BLEEP]

Rick: Morty, never forget the highest truth of all... you're getting your ass kicked on a train.

Story Lord: Don't you want to see how your story ends?!

Morty: Holy [BLEEP], Rick. What do we... There... there... there's now way out!
Rick: You're right, Morty. Sometimes it does seem like there's no way out. Like it's hopeless. But remember, there's always someone there for us.
Morty: Who?
Rick: My best friend and personal savior, Jesus Christ.
Morty: What?! You... you don't believe in God.
Rick: But He believes in us, Morty. You know, I thought I was the inventor, but the greatest invention of all is the free gift of Eternal Life.
Morty: Is this... are you [BLEEP] with me?
Rick: Oh, trust me, Morty. I've done plenty of effed up stuff in my life. But it's never too late to accept Christ. Jesus is always knocking at the door. All we have to do is open it and let Him into our hearts.
Morty: How?
Rick: I'm so glad you asked, Morty. Just close your eyes and go to Him in prayer. Like this. Heavenly Father...

Story Lord: What the [BLEEP] is all of this?!
Rick: Greatest story ever told, Story Lord.
Story Lord: No, it's not. It's awful!
Jesus Christ: I beg your pardon?

Morty: Wh-what's gonna happen to Story Lord?
Rick: He gets to spend eternity in every writer's hell... the Bible.
Morty: I don't know. Some people actually like that stuff. Seems kind of cynical. I just don't like taking cheap shots, you know?
Rick: Cheap shots? Morty, we were literally saved by Jesus Christ. Tell me in any way how that's offensive.

Rick: You did the most important thing. You... you bought something.
Morty: What?
Rick: You bought something. With money. God. I love money so much, Morty.
Morty: Are you being sarcastic?
Rick: Merchandise, Morty. Your only purpose in life is to buy and consume merchandise. And you did it. You went into a store... an actual honest to God store... and you bought something. You didn't ask questions or raise ethical complaints. You... you just looked straight into the bleeding jaws of capitalism and said "Yes, daddy, please." And I'm... I'm so proud of you. I only wish you could've bought more. I... I love buying things so much, Morty.
Morty: Rick, are... are you... do you need to go to the hospital?

Rick: I love you, Morty. Give Grandpa a kiss. Give... give... gimme... give Grandpa a kiss. Lips if you want. What... whatever you're comfortable with. Some cultures do that.

Jesus Christ: So you're saying my father and His kingdom...
Story Lord: Well, yes... it's based on the fusion of a Sumerian god named "Ya" and a Mesopotamian god named "Way."
Jesus Christ: And we're in a toy train?
Story Lord: Yes. It's enough to really make you question all of existence, isn't it?

Morty: Oh, man, I'm sorry, Rick. I guess I'll return it.
Rick: Return... Are you insane? Did you hear nothing I said? Buy another one, Morty. Consume, Morty! Nobody's out there shopping with this [BLEEP] virus. Where's your [BLEEP] wallet?!

— The Story Train. Available now in The Citadel of Ricks. Buy it ironically. Buy it sincerely. Just buy it. Not buying it is an act of buying it. Buy it now. Look it up. It's real. www.story-train.com. On the Internet. It's there. Buy it. Buy the train. We want you to buy the train.

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+ Quotes on the IMDb