Jerry Seinfeld: Why are your friends so annoying? The people you have chosen to be with in life. It makes no sense. You'd get rid of all of 'em in a second... if it wasn't even a bigger pain in the ass to find new people, learn about their annoying problems that they never do anything about... change the names and numbers in your phone, delete the old contacts. "Ah, the hell with it. I'll ride it out with these idiots. It's the same meals, holidays, and movies anyway. What's the difference who I'm with?"
Jerry Seinfeld: "Just wanna be out." This is out. People talk about goin' out. ... Well... this is it. ... Now, the good thing about being out is you don't have to be out for long. Just long enough to get the next feeling, which you're all gonna get. And that feeling is, "I gotta be gettin' back."
Jerry Seinfeld: Wherever you are, really, anywhere in life, at some point, you gotta get the hell outta there.
Woman in the Audience: We love you!
Jerry Seinfeld: Thank you, sweetheart. I love you too. This is, in fact, my favorite type of intimate relationship. I love you, you love me, and we will never meet.
Jerry Seinfeld: Never feel bad that your life sucks. The greatest lesson you can learn in life: "Sucks" and "great" are pretty close. They're not that different.
Jerry Seinfeld: I don't like the great restaurants. I don't like great anything. I'm looking for not bad.
Jerry Seinfeld: "Sucks" and "great" are the only two ratings people even give to anything anymore.
Jerry Seinfeld: What is the idea of the buffet? "Well, things are bad. How could we make it worse? Why don't we put people that are already struggling with portion control... into some kind of debauched, Caligula food orgy of unlimited human consumption? Let's make the entrance a chocolate-syrup water park slide."
Jerry Seinfeld: People do not do well in an unsupervised eating environment.
Jerry Seinfeld: People are building death-row last meal wish lists on these plates. It's like a perfect working model of all their emotional problems and personal difficulties.
Jerry Seinfeld: What else is annoying in the world, besides everything?
Jerry Seinfeld: We are not separating from the phone. It's a part of us. Now, who are you with no phone? What access to information do you have? What you can remember?... What'll you do without your pictures? Are you gonna describe what you saw? That doesn't work for us. We don't wanna talk to anybody that doesn't have a phone. That's why it's called an iPhone. It's half myself, half phone.
Jerry Seinfeld: I don't even know what the purpose of people is anymore. I think the only reason people still exist is phones need pockets to ride around in.
Jerry Seinfeld: I used to think Uber was on my phone so I could get around. Then I started thinking maybe they put Uber on the phone because that makes me take the phone, 'cause the phone is using me to get around. Who's really the Uber in this big prostitution ring? I'm the little bitch carrying the phone. The cars are the hos, picking up strangers off the street all night. And the phone's the big pimp of the whole thing, telling the drivers, "You just get who I tell ya to get. I'll handle the money."
Jerry Seinfeld: We call it a phone. We don't even use it as a phone. Nobody's talkin' on the phone. Once they gave you the option, you could talk or type, talkin' ended that day. It's over. Talking is obsolete. It's antiquated.
Jerry Seinfeld: Why would I wanna get information from a face when I could get it from a nice, clean screen?
Jerry Seinfeld: The phones keep getting smarter. Why don't we? Why are people on voice mail still telling me to wait for the beep? It's the 21st goddamn century! I think we're all up to speed on the beep.
Jerry Seinfeld: I love being in my sixties. It's my favorite decade of human life so far. When you're in your sixties, people ask you to do somethin', you just say no. No reason, no excuse, no explanation. I can't wait for my seventies. I don't even think I'll answer. I've seen those people. You just wave when you're in your seventies.
Jerry Seinfeld: I like this time. It's relaxing. I don't wanna grow. I don't wanna change. I don't want to improve in anything. I don't want to expand my interests, meet anyone, or learn anything I don't already know. I don't lie in restaurants anymore...
Jerry Seinfeld: Woman says, "I can't believe you're doing this." Man says, "Doing what?" Woman starts crying. Man says, "I didn't do anything." Woman says, "Exactly." So, it's a bit of a chess game, isn't it? Except, the board is flowing water... and all the chess pieces are made of smoke.
Jerry Seinfeld: Avoidance is the male domestic instinct. Golf, the ultimate avoidance activity. A game so nonsensically difficult, so pointless, so irrational, so time-consuming, the word "golf" could only possibly stand for: "get out, leave family."
Jerry Seinfeld: All fathers essentially dress in the clothing style of the last good year of their lives. Whatever a man was wearing around the time he got married, he freezes that moment in fashion history and rides it out to the end.
--
+ Quotes on the IMDb
Jerry Seinfeld: "Just wanna be out." This is out. People talk about goin' out. ... Well... this is it. ... Now, the good thing about being out is you don't have to be out for long. Just long enough to get the next feeling, which you're all gonna get. And that feeling is, "I gotta be gettin' back."
Jerry Seinfeld: Wherever you are, really, anywhere in life, at some point, you gotta get the hell outta there.
Woman in the Audience: We love you!
Jerry Seinfeld: Thank you, sweetheart. I love you too. This is, in fact, my favorite type of intimate relationship. I love you, you love me, and we will never meet.
Jerry Seinfeld: Never feel bad that your life sucks. The greatest lesson you can learn in life: "Sucks" and "great" are pretty close. They're not that different.
Jerry Seinfeld: I don't like the great restaurants. I don't like great anything. I'm looking for not bad.
Jerry Seinfeld: "Sucks" and "great" are the only two ratings people even give to anything anymore.
Jerry Seinfeld: What is the idea of the buffet? "Well, things are bad. How could we make it worse? Why don't we put people that are already struggling with portion control... into some kind of debauched, Caligula food orgy of unlimited human consumption? Let's make the entrance a chocolate-syrup water park slide."
Jerry Seinfeld: People do not do well in an unsupervised eating environment.
Jerry Seinfeld: People are building death-row last meal wish lists on these plates. It's like a perfect working model of all their emotional problems and personal difficulties.
Jerry Seinfeld: What else is annoying in the world, besides everything?
Jerry Seinfeld: We are not separating from the phone. It's a part of us. Now, who are you with no phone? What access to information do you have? What you can remember?... What'll you do without your pictures? Are you gonna describe what you saw? That doesn't work for us. We don't wanna talk to anybody that doesn't have a phone. That's why it's called an iPhone. It's half myself, half phone.
Jerry Seinfeld: I don't even know what the purpose of people is anymore. I think the only reason people still exist is phones need pockets to ride around in.
Jerry Seinfeld: I used to think Uber was on my phone so I could get around. Then I started thinking maybe they put Uber on the phone because that makes me take the phone, 'cause the phone is using me to get around. Who's really the Uber in this big prostitution ring? I'm the little bitch carrying the phone. The cars are the hos, picking up strangers off the street all night. And the phone's the big pimp of the whole thing, telling the drivers, "You just get who I tell ya to get. I'll handle the money."
Jerry Seinfeld: We call it a phone. We don't even use it as a phone. Nobody's talkin' on the phone. Once they gave you the option, you could talk or type, talkin' ended that day. It's over. Talking is obsolete. It's antiquated.
Jerry Seinfeld: Why would I wanna get information from a face when I could get it from a nice, clean screen?
Jerry Seinfeld: The phones keep getting smarter. Why don't we? Why are people on voice mail still telling me to wait for the beep? It's the 21st goddamn century! I think we're all up to speed on the beep.
Jerry Seinfeld: I love being in my sixties. It's my favorite decade of human life so far. When you're in your sixties, people ask you to do somethin', you just say no. No reason, no excuse, no explanation. I can't wait for my seventies. I don't even think I'll answer. I've seen those people. You just wave when you're in your seventies.
Jerry Seinfeld: I like this time. It's relaxing. I don't wanna grow. I don't wanna change. I don't want to improve in anything. I don't want to expand my interests, meet anyone, or learn anything I don't already know. I don't lie in restaurants anymore...
Jerry Seinfeld: Woman says, "I can't believe you're doing this." Man says, "Doing what?" Woman starts crying. Man says, "I didn't do anything." Woman says, "Exactly." So, it's a bit of a chess game, isn't it? Except, the board is flowing water... and all the chess pieces are made of smoke.
Jerry Seinfeld: Avoidance is the male domestic instinct. Golf, the ultimate avoidance activity. A game so nonsensically difficult, so pointless, so irrational, so time-consuming, the word "golf" could only possibly stand for: "get out, leave family."
Jerry Seinfeld: All fathers essentially dress in the clothing style of the last good year of their lives. Whatever a man was wearing around the time he got married, he freezes that moment in fashion history and rides it out to the end.
--
+ Quotes on the IMDb
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