It Never Ends Well for the Chicken

Lucifer 5×4

Trixie: Parents. They're a mystery.

Lucifer: Mm. Uh...
Trixie: My mom usually starts with "Once upon a time."
Lucifer: Does she? Right, well... Once upon a time, the Devil went to New York City. The year... was 1946.

Lucifer: It was a wonderful time. Men wore hats, hemlines were on the rise, and so was crime. Rationing was over, the boys were home from the war, and the air was full of big band music and possibility.

Lucifer: How about we cheer you up with a healthy distraction, hmm? We could rent out a brothel, rob a bank... Oh! Ernie Hemingway's in town. He's always good for a laugh.

Lucifer: The Devil, solving crime. It's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard.

Jack Monroe: Well, if it ain't Lucifer Morningstar... What can I do you for?

Trixie: Wait, hold it!
Lucifer: Oh, for crying out loud.
Trixie: I thought you said Mr. Stompanato. "Mr." is a man.
Lucifer: Did you or did you not request a gender-balanced narrative? I'm simply following your instructions.

Tommy Stompanato: Next time... I won't be so nice. That means you're gonna die. And you... You're lucky you're a friend of Lily's. But don't get too friendly.

Lucifer: Sorry, got lost in a daydream, on account of your problem being so extraordinarily boring. Have you considered forgetting about it?
Jack Monroe: Have I considered forgetting about it? Is that your advice?
Lucifer: Well, in my experience... problems are like Bible salesmen, or... genital warts. If you pretend they're not there, sooner or later, they disappear.

---

William Kincannon: Who the hell are you?
Jack Monroe: Jack Monroe, PI.
Lucifer: Lucifer Morningstar, Devil.

Lucifer: Quite a unique fellow, aren't you? There's a word to describe you, but I can't quite put my finger on it. It's like a shower, but French...

Lucifer: This apartment is literally the most depressing hovel I've ever seen, and I've seen Kafka's Hell loop.
Melvin the Magnificent: Look over there! For just 12 dollars, 12 dollars, our deluxe ceremony of Anubis includes this ceremonial mask, two acolytes, and a drum made from the skin of a Vestal Virgin, a gilded sacrificial dagger, and one live... chicken!
Lucifer: It never ends well for the chicken.
Melvin the Magnificent: Or you might prefer our economy package. Uh... only six dollars! Lucifer: And the chicken heart comes pre-sacrificed for your convenience.
Not particularly accurate, historically speaking, but quite, uh, bloody. My old friend Tutankhamen would've loved it.

Lucifer: So, why don't I repay my debt some other way? A castle, a private island, a mountain of gold? The world is your oyster, and I, your concierge.

Lilith: All this time you've spent on Earth... have you ever connected with a human?
Lucifer: I've connected with thousands of humans. Once, Caligula and I made a human train of 37...

Gertie: We all die, Lily. And that's okay. Truth is... I'd rather die today trying to save the man I love... than live forever without him.

Jack Monroe: Well, you're an odd duck, but it's been... It's been real interesting... You take care of yourself, kid.
Lucifer: You too, old man.

Lilith: They all think they want to live forever. But they already have something so much more precious... Gertie was right. It's knowing there's an end. That's what makes the rest of it count. That's what connects them to one another. What makes them brave, even when they have no reason to be.

Trixie: My mom says dealing with your problems is the only way to get past them.

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