House M.D. 5x11

Joy to the World

Season 5, Episode 11

* Taub: I don't know what to think.
   Wilson: If it's a subpoena, he's gotten that kind of present before.
   Taub: It was a book.
   Wilson: That narrows it down. Just look for someone who knows how to read or has been to a bookstore.
   Taub: Most bookstores don't carry Joseph Bell on surgery.
   Wilson: Did it have a note?
   Taub: "Greg... made me think of you."
   Wilson: Green wrapping paper?
   Taub: How did you know that?! What is it?
   Wilson: It's nothing.
   Taub: Yes... when something's nothing, the natural response is to guess the color of the paper it's wrapped in and then descend into stunned silence?
   Wilson: Irene Adler. { Это кул! } Christmas, 2001. Sarcoid symptoms, but she didn't respond to methotrexate. I've never seen him so obsessed. He saved her with a last minute Wegener's diagnosis, but the hours he put in... I thought it would kill him. And then... Well, he fell for her. But it was too soon after Stacy and... It sounds silly, but Irene was the one who got away. { ))) }
   Taub: Really?


* Cuddy: Uh... you don't have clinic duty today.
   House: Who says it's a duty?



* House: Hi. I'm Greg.
   Patient: Hi, I'm Whitney.
   House: Hi, Whitney. How can I help you?
   Patient: I have a... a terrible headache.
   House: Oh, sorry to hear that. I'll get you fixed up. Is there anything else you need? Bottle of water? Coffee? Mint tea?
   Patient: No, but that's so nice. Usually the clinic doctors are kind of rushed.
   House: If you can't be nice, why be a doctor?


* House: So where do you feel the pain?
   Patient: In the back of my head here.
   House: Uh-huh. That's Beccaria's sign. That'll be gone by your third trimester.
   Patient: Oh, I'm not in school.
   House: Neither is your fetus.
   Patient: Oh, God.

---

* Thirteen: Nausea isn't something you can overcome with sheer willpower.
   Foreman: Which is why I didn't prescribe willpower. I prescribed antacids. If she can't handle that, she'd have to leave the trial anyway.
   Thirteen: Just call her, say you're sorry. She'll come back.
   Foreman: No.
   Thirteen: God, you're acting like House now.
   Foreman: No, I'm not acting like House, which is exactly why I don't need to apologize. I'm not being cruel. I'm not being manipulative. {...}
   Thirteen: You're not acting like House. You are like him.



* Patient: I'm a virgin. So is my fiance.
   House: I believe him.
   Patient: Aren't there other ways I could get pregnant, like...sitting on a toilet seat?
   House: Absolutely... there would need to be a guy sitting between you and the toilet seat, but yes, absolutely.


* Patient: Dr. House? This is my fiance Geoff.
   Patient's fiance: She says you told her you can get pregnant from sitting on a toilet seat.
   House: I said those words, but with a particular inflection.
   Patient's fiance: I knew it was untrue. Well, is there any other way?
   House: Isn't it possible? There was a reported case of a civil war soldier who was shot in the testicles, and the musket ball carried the non-musket ball into the uterus of a woman working in a neighboring field. Nine months later, a miracle child was born... Also, maybe she cheated on you.
   Patient's fiance: We made a promise.
   Patient: We d... we do other stuff in bed. Couldn't some of his sperm have made it up there somehow?
   House: More likely, it came from the guy whose penis made it up there somehow. But... sure, anything's possible.
   Patient's fiance: I want a paternity test.
   House [whispers 2 Patient] : Tell him that amnios are dangerous this early on in the pregnancy.
   Patient: Are they?
   House: Well, who cares? He doesn't know.


* Patient's fiance: We've been waiting here for six hours. Am I the father or not?
   House: No. But... She also didn't cheat on you. Normally, sperm meets egg, D.N.A. meets D.N.A., goes back to her place, cells divide, nine months later, joy is bundled. That's normally. Abnormally, an egg could have two naturally occurring gene mutations that don't naturally occur together. A spontaneous calcium spike could prep the egg for fertilization without sperm, and a division mistake could let the egg split up without ever needing male D.N.A. at all. Parthenogenesis. A baby without a daddy. In humans, it's only ever been theorized, but it was never proved. Until now. Mommy. Baby. Your daughter has only maternal D.N.A. I personally checked this five times. In seven months, you will have... a virgin birth. Merry Christmas.



* Cuddy: What is it?
   House: Thank you from a patient.
   Cuddy: For you?
   House: I saved her marriage by showing that her pregnancy was the result of parthenogenesis.
   Cuddy: Human parthenogenesis? You proved...
   House: Yep.
   Cuddy: It's unbelievable.
   House: But I personally checked it five times.
   Cuddy: How did you check it five times? The cycler's broken, you would have had to send it out. It would have taken...
   House: Oh, yeah. That does sound impossible, now that I think of it. I guess the better explanation is that the paternity test showed she cheated so I faked the whole parthenogenesis thing.
   Cuddy: What?! Why?!
   House: I win.
   Cuddy: You faked a scientific miracle just to win a bet with Wilson?
   House: Mmm, more an argument. I realize it would have been simpler to just fake the paternity test, but hey... Christmas spirit and all that.



--- Dictionary:
subpoena — повестка, вызов в суд
rushed — перегруженный работой; сделанный наспех, на скорую руку
sheer — единственный; только один
inflection — модуляция, изменение интонации


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~ Нифигачего себе рождественская серия!

)) А непорочное зачатие на рождество — это прекрасно.