The Ugly Truth (2/3)

Beginning

& Mike: If you want it to work out with this guy, then you'll listen to me, and you'll do exactly as I say. You've probably already done irreparable damage with your psycho-aggressive control-freak phone call. It might even be too late. And if you do salvage the situation, you'll never be more than Abby, his desperate neighbor.
    Abby: I'm not desperate. Why? Did you think I sounded desperate?
    Mike: Listen to you. Desperately asking me if you sound desperate.


& Abby: All right, deal. Now what?
    Mike: Always make an impression. Let's get a move on. We have work to do.
    Abby: But what about the?..
    Mike: In five seconds, he'll call. Come on. {...}
    Abby: What are you, Nostradamus?


& Mike: Rule number one: never criticize.
    Abby: Even if it's constructive?
    Mike: Never. Men are incapable of growth, change or progress. For men, self-improvement ends at toilet training.
    Abby: Huh.
    Mike: Mm. And rule number two: laugh at whatever he says.
    Abby: What if what he says isn't funny?
    Mike: That's irrelevant. A fake laugh is like a fake orgasm.
    Abby: A fake orgasm is good?
    Mike: No, but a fake orgasm is better than no orgasm at all.
    Abby: A fake orgasm is no orgasm.
    Mike: Only to you. You're not the only person in the room, you know. Let's not be selfish.
    Abby: Ha-ha.
    Mike: Now, that was perfect. Real or fake?
    Abby: You'll never know.

---

& Mike: Rule number three: men are very visual. We have to change your look.
    Abby: What's wrong with my look?
    Mike: Abby, you're a very attractive woman, but you are completely
inaccessible. You're all about comfort and efficiency.
    Abby: What's wrong with comfort and efficiency?
    Mike: Well, nothing, except no one wants to fuck it.


& Mike: We need cocktail dresses, tight jeans and some bras that'll make my friend's breasts sit up and say hello.
    Abby: They're not saying hello now? What are they saying?
    Mike: Actually, they're giving off more of a passing nod rather than an outright greeting. You know what? Why don't you try this on? {...} Now, that is a bra. Boobies in this thing say, "Put me in your mouth, I taste good".


& Mike: Rule number four: never talk about your problems because men don't really listen or care.
    Abby: Some men care.
    Mike: No, some men pretend they're care. When we ask you how you're doing, it's just guy code for: "Let me stick my dick in your ass".


& Mike: Wait. We need to make one more stop.
    Abby: Why? I have tons of stuff.
    Mike: Nah, we have to make your hair longer. Men like something to grab onto other than your ass.
    Abby: My hair is fine. There's nothing wrong with my hair.
    Mike: Abby, a ponytail implies that you are either operating heavy machinery or emptying the litter box. Neither of those things inspires an erection.


& Abby: I don't wanna be perceived as a bimbo. I mean...
    Mike: And I don't want you to be a bimbo. You have to be two people: the saint and the sinner. The librarian and the stripper. On the one hand, you have to push the guy away with a cold indifference, on the other, you have to be a sexually teasing tornado.


& Abby: Um, so how long should I wait to have sex with him?
    Mike: Well, the more you make him beg for it, the more you're gonna keep him on the hook. So do everything else but. But then show him that beneath that control-freak exterior of yours, that there's a sexual deviant* waiting to be unleashed.
    Abby: No. No, I'm not a sexual deviant.
    Mike: Mm-mm. Good point. I'm guessing you've been out of practice for what... a year?
    Abby: No. ... Eleven months.



--Dict:
deviant — человек, страдающий сексуальными извращениями

Ending