& How are you? How-- how was your last couple of years?
How... How was 2018 and '19 for you guys?
That was crazy... Man, I was in a lot of trou-- Wait till they see those pictures of me in blackface. That's gonna to be... That's going to make it a lot worse.
& When you get in trouble, you learn who your real friends are. It's true -- people like saying that like that's a good thing. Who the fuck wants to know who their real friends are? You don't want to know that. Believe me, you don't want to know. It's never who you want it to be. It's not your cool friends and it's not your fun friends. It's your
real friends.
& I was talking to my friend the other day about Jesus... uh, Christ, and, um... I don't remember why, but I happened to mention that Jesus was Jewish and my friend said, "He was?" And I said, Yeah. Jesus was Jewish. And he said, "I don't think so." And I said, that's okay, it already all happened. Doesn't matter where you think. But he'd argued with me. He was like, "Dude, Jesus couldn't be Jewish. Think about it." I'm like, "You fucking think about it, you idiot. What d-- What was he then? You're... What, was he Presbyterian? What was he? Catholic? Okay, Jesus was Catholic and he had a gold chain with a cross. And when they nailed him up, he was like, "Oh, that's why we have those!" "That finally makes sense. I didn't even know. Oh, fuck, that's me! I'm the little guy on it!"
& Every religion has a strange story or a rule that doesn't make sense to me. You know, like every time there's a terrorist act, they always tell you on the news about how they believe they're all going to heaven. And every guy who does a jihad thing and he gets 72 virgins, that's right. That's the story, always 72 virgins. Which, first of all, who are those women?
& Who are the 72 virgins? Does God have to kill 72 nice girls? "All right, ladies, uh, the good news is you're going to heaven. The weird news..."
& I think one reason people don't believe in him, because we don't have a sense of God because he doesn't say anything anymore. Used to talk all the time, used to go up to people on the street, "Hey!" Writing on the rocks -- "Look at that! Do it!" And it was conf-- Everybody's like, trying to figure it out. And then for 2,000 years, he just-- "Mm, meh." Nothing! Says nothing! And everybody's fighting. He could clear a lot of shit up with a five-minute press conference. If God spoke for five minutes, he'd solve a lot of problems.
& She said, "You no finish?" And I said, "No, I no finish." Because I think that's-- I think it's polite to repeat people's bad English to them. Otherwise, you're being a dick, it's like, "You no finish?" No, I am not going to finish. You left out a lot of words! I took the liberty of restoring them.
& I think two legs is better than none. That's what I think. That's just my opinion. It's not popular. You're not supposed to say that because you're supposed to always be very positive about disabled people. But I think that puts pressure on them to be positive. What if they don't want to be? Because the only story we want to hear is about the amazing disabled people-- "He's amazing." "He lost his legs, then he won the leg having contest." What about disabled people who aren't amazing, who are just ordinary with a sweatshirt and some potato chips, and he's going, "Fuck, I wish I had legs." "No! No, this is better! It's better with no legs." "Why is it better?" Because you can do anything now.
& Let's-- we're gonna talk about retarded people for 20 minutes. Just-- that's what's gonna happen. We're going to discuss retarded people for 20 minutes. It's not okay to not-- never speak of them. No, we're gonna talk about them.
& I hate New York, I really do-- I used to love New York, but I hate it now, I really-- I'd rather be in Auschwitz than in New York City. Honestly, I would. I mean-- I mean
Auschwitz now. I mean,
today Auschwitz. Not back when it was open. I mean, now-- it's nice now. There's a gift shop. People go there on purpose. They buy tickets. I think that's weird... That people buy tickets to Auschwitz. That's weird. If you could have told those people back then, "People are going to buy tickets to come here. Wrap your head around that.
Jew." That's-- All right. I'm sorry. I'm sorry,
never again, I promise.
That's what we say about the Holocaust: Never again, 'cause they killed six million Jews. If they only killed, like, 10,000, would it be like, "Okay, two more times, and then taper off because it's a little much."
& I went to Auschwitz-- this is a true story, I actually did go to Auschwitz because I was doing shows in Poland because I
had to go to Poland to do shows. So...
I was in Krakow, so I went to the camp, and I went there because of a very personal reason-- because I had family there, I had a lot of family there. Forty-four members of my family were in Auschwitz during World War II. I mean, they were guards, they worked there-- No, no, no, no. They were Jews and they died. It's okay. Don't be offended. It's true.
We lost the whole family there, everybody-- the whole-- because we were Hungarian Jews. My grandfather on my father's side, he's the only one who made it; the rest them, all 44 of them, went to Auschwitz, which I think they really regretted. But that's-- that's what happened, because the Hungarians sent all their Jews to-- They didn't-- they weren't even occupied, Hungary, they're just like, "Yeah, take-- take our Jews." And they sent my whole family there.
& I'm 52 and I like my 50s, I like this part of my life. It's my favorite so far. I'll tell you why. Because I can still move around pretty good. And I don't have long to live. I view that as a positive. Because life is a lot of pressure. The more life you have ahead of you, the more problems you have. Like, if you're 20, you might have 70 years to try not to be homeless or alone during. But I can-- I got maybe 24 years left. I can handle that, like, that's an amount of time, like, "Oh, yeah, I can fucking do that. I can cover 24 years." And it gets easier every year less that I have. Like, I bought a winter coat the other day I was like, "This is my last coat. I don't need a bunch of these." Gets easier.
"Some people!" Some people like when sex is a little fucked up. All right. No... All right now, you want to talk about this? Should we talk about it? Yeah, all right, all right. I don't mind-- I don't mind talking about it. Okay. Um...
& I'll give you some advice. Here's some advice that really
only I can give you... If you ever ask somebody, "Can I jerk off in front of you?" Let me finish. I mean-- I mean... Let me finish what I'm saying!
If you've ever ask somebody, "May I jerk off in front of you," and they say yes, just say, "Are you sure?" That's the first part. And then if they say yes, just don't fucking do it.
'Cause everybody's got their thing. Whatever your thing is, I don't know. You all have your thing. I don't know what your thing is. You're so fucking lucky that I don't know what you're thing is. Do you understand how lucky you are that people don't know your fucking thing? 'Cause everybody knows
my thing. Everybody knows my fucking thing now. Obama knows my thing. Do you understand how that feels? To know that Obama was like, "Good lord!" Everybody in the world knows my thing...
& Men are taught to make sure the woman is okay. But the thing is, women know how to seem okay when they're not okay. So you can't just look at her face be like, "Yeah, her eyes are dry. We're fine. We'll just keep going"-- You gotta
check in. 'Cause sex-- communication, during sex can be very confusing, like, sometimes, you're with a woman, you're having sex, she's making noises, she's going, like, "Ooh, ahh." And you're like, "Oh, she loves it."
Not necessarily. Sometimes they're making those noises just to get through it, because it's easier to go, "Ooh, than to say, "I hate how you fuck me. Honestly, it's awful."
& ...you don't know your mom. That's the truth-- you don't really know your mother. You feel like you know her, but you know what she told you. She didn't tell you shit. You don't tell your kids your life.
& You know those movies where you're-- where a mother and a daughter switch bodies. ..... I think they should make it another one of those movies. But it should be about a mother who switches bodies with her son. But it's not a comedy, it's a drama-- like a medical affliction. They're upset the whole time. She's in the bathroom in the morning, "I'm holding my son's penis. It's confusing." And her son is in her body, he's like, "I don't want to be my mommy anymore. I don't like how it feels." And his dad comes home and he starts fucking 'im. "Oh, God! What's happening now? I don't like this, but I don't want to say no to my dad." And then at the end of the movie, they never switch back.
—
On the IMDb
+ Sincerely Louis CK
