Wilfred 1x9

Compassion

“Make no judgements where you have no compassion.”
Anne McCaffrey

& Catherine: Ryan! Oh! That’s my baby! My gorgeous boy! Pried from my womb. I had planned a vaginal birth, but Mr. Breach Bottom here had other plans, and so the doctor cut me open and pulled this beautiful miracle from my uterus like a rabbit from a hat.

& Catherine: You look like your father... minus the thin lips and the soulless eyes. Um... Sorry, sorry. I should not have said that. I don’t hold any animosity toward your father. It has taken me years of therapy, but now I can actually appreciate your father for what he is... the man who pays the bills.

& Catherine: Fish sticks and peanut butter tacos... your favorite breakfast.
    Ryan: Thanks. But these days, I eat breakfast for breakfast.

& Wilfred: You know what this is?
    Ryan: Let me guess. The length of my dick?
    Wilfred: No, it’s the amount of compassion you’ve shown towards your mum... And the length of your dick. They happen to be equal in this case. Doesn’t happen often, but it’s pretty cool when this shit lines up. Like an eclipse.

---

& Ryan: The only thing I’m afraid of is what embarrassing thing my mother is going to do next... Oh, my God! What are you doing?!
    Catherine: What does it look like I’m doing, silly? I’m making a statement about corporate greed and the death of selflessness through interpretative movement painting.
    Ryan: This is already online, isn’t it?
    Catherine: Come, join me, my child.
    Wilfred: I thought you’d never ask.

& Catherine: I’m Ryan’s mom.
    Jenna: Oh, it’s so nice to finally meet you, Mrs. Newman!
    Catherine: Mrs. Newman is my slave name. You can call me Catherine.

& Catherine: ...And then when Ryan was eight, I walked in and found him with his little penis pressed up against the TV screen.
    Ryan: More rice?!
    Catherine: No thank you, sweetheart. Turns out, he was trying to wanky-wanky to Mona from Who’s the Boss.
    Jenna: Adorable.

& Wilfred: Tell me something, Ryan, how old was Mum when she lost it? 20 years ago... that makes her... Well, just a bit older than you are now. So maybe you are like her. That’s the fear I’m smelling, isn’t it?
    Ryan: I’m not crazy!
    Wilfred: ...Said the man to the dog.

& Ryan: You son of a bitch!
    Wilfred: How is that an insult? I’ve never understood that.

& Ryan: This is all your fault! You backstabber! Eat shit! Eat shit!
    Wilfred: Again, your tone says insult, but what I’m hearing is a tempting offer.

& Dr. Cahill: Ryan, how are we feeling today?
    Ryan: Aside from the fact that I started smoking, I feel pretty good.
    Dr. Cahill: Well, you’ve made a lot of progress over the last three days, and based on years of diagnostic experience and your lack of health insurance, it is my medical opinion that you are not a danger to yourself or to others, and I’m releasing you.

& Wilfred: Okay, now I want you to think of a card.
    Ryan: Got one.
    Wilfred: Good. Now forget it.
    Ryan: Okay.
    Wilfred: Think of another card.
    Ryan: Okay.
    Wilfred: Perfect. Now forget that one, too. I want you to think of one more card.
    Ryan: Fine.
    Wilfred: What card were you thinking of?
    Ryan: Four of clubs.
    Wilfred: Turn over the top card.
    Ryan: Ten of hearts.
    Wilfred: Keep going until you hit the four of clubs. Hey, come back! I’ll show you how it’s done.

+ on Imdb.