Wilfred 1x11

Doubt

“Doubt must be no more than vigilance,
otherwise it can become dangerous.”
George C. Lichtenberg

& Wilfred: Oh, Ryan, you have to experience this. Leathery, with subtle tones of menstruation. When this’s opens up, it’s gonna be beautiful.

& Wilfred: A date? With who?.. LoveMatchDating.com? Oh, my God. Please tell me that donkey-faced thing with the braces is not the chick you’re going out with.
    Ryan: She doesn’t have braces.
    Wilfred: Yeah, you just can’t see them, ’cause they’re probably on her legs. How do you think she supports that massive donkey face?

& Ryan: She’s a partner at a marketing firm, she enjoys fitness, and she’s looking for a long-term relationship.
    Wilfred: It’s way too soon for that. Let me find you a nice hit-it-and-quit-it chick. Gross... Out of your league... Lazy eye... Balding Asian grandmother... Gross! Ooh. Here we go. Angelique.

& Wilfred: I get it. You’re feeling better about things. You’re cleaning and yogaing and not smoking, and life seems like one big, fluffy, pink cloud.
    Ryan: Yeah? So?
    Wilfred: It’s not real.

& Ryan: No offense, but I think I know myself better than you do.
    Wilfred: You’re right. What do I know?.. I’m just your neighbor’s dog who talks to you and doubles partner in Wii tennis. You’re totally fine.

& Bruce: Don’t you bullshit me, Ryan, you see him. We both know what I’m talking about.
    Ryan: Who are you?
    Wilfred: Ryan? Ryan!
    Bruce: Shit, he’s coming. Do not tell Wilfred we talked. You... you call me when you’re ready to learn the truth.

& Bruce: One day, I stopped by my landlady’s to drop off the rent, and this guy answers the door. Now I can only assume, must be her mentally unstable son. It looks like he’s playing dress-up or something. But what I didn’t know was that other people didn’t see what I saw. Does this sound familiar?
    Ryan: Yeah. I just never thought I’d hear this from someone else.
    Bruce: Anyway, we smoke a joint. Tells me a couple funny stories. Next thing I know, I’m hanging out with him all the time. I’m his Goddamn best friend. Let me guess. He talked you out of getting a job, didn’t he? Keeps you smoking weed all the time. Hell, I bet he even got you to take a piss in some poor guy’s hat.
    Ryan: Not exactly.
    Bruce: And then he convinced you to make out with your own father.
    Ryan: What?! No!
    Bruce: Yeah. No. I mean... me, neither.

---

& Ryan: He’s... he’s my friend.
    Bruce: Yeah, I thought so, too. One night we’re at this strip club. Wilfred slips me a condom. Shoves me in the V.I.P. room. Turns out, he poked a hole in the tip of that condom. Next thing I know, I’m the proud father of Cinnamon Sizzle’s first-born twins.

& Angelique: Ryan?
    Ryan: Um... yeah?
    Angelique: It’s me... Angelique... Hey, just to warn you, I had a gin and Sprite... while I was getting ready. Okay, two.

& Wilfred: 23 inches, Ryan!
    Ryan: What?! Why the hell am I on a date with Angelique and not the girl I picked?
    Wilfred: Angelique is an alcoholic blow-job machine. And... you’re welcome.

& Ryan: Get rid of him? You mean kill him. What’s wrong with you?
    Bruce: Oh, you don’t kill him! You take him out in the middle of nowhere and ditch him!
    Ryan: But he’s not even my dog. I...
    Bruce: Shh! He’s not your dog... but he’s your problem.

& Ryan: Bruce? What are you doing here?!
    Wilfred: Who are you talking to, mate?
    Ryan: Bruce. You don’t see him?
    Wilfred: See who?

& Ryan: You know... I really think I’m gonna be all right.
    Wilfred: ’Course you are. I ain’t going anywhere.

& Wilfred: You want to know how I met Bruce? The truth is... I don’t remember.
    Ryan: All right, well, at least that’s an honest answer.
    Wilfred: There’s a lot of things I don’t remember: where I’m from, how I got here. There’s only one thing I do know. My name is... Jason Bourne.

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