Two and a Half Men 1x5

The Last Thing You Want Is to Wind Up with a Hump

& Gloria: How’s Jake doing?
    Charlie: Jake’s fine. He’s 10. He’s got his whole life ahead of him. Me, on the other hand, I’m sitting in the hot sun, in rented pants listening to myself blink.

& Alan: Jake, for the last time, nobody got “creamed.” No one won, no one lost.
    Jake: Yeah. Except for us. 12-2.
    Charlie: It doesn’t matter if you win or lose. It’s whether or not you beat the spread*.

& Alan: Charlie, we are trying to teach the kids not to keep score.
    Charlie: You should’ve thought of that before you taught them to count.

---

& Charlie: My brother, Alan, warned me not to go out with you tonight.
    Kate: That’s funny. Everybody warned me not to go out with you.
    Charlie: It worked for Romeo and Juliet... up until the poison and the stabbing.
    Kate: Charlie, I have a confession. I haven’t been out with a man other than my husband in 12 years.
    Charlie: That’s not a problem. A couple of things have changed, I can bring you up to date.
    Kate: Please do.
    Charlie: All right, well, nowadays, women pay for dinner. And of course, sex is a given.
    Kate: I’ll tell you one thing, I am not paying for dinner.

--- Dict:
beat the spread = Going against the odds

+on Imdb.