& Dating an older man is now considered creepy. I think it was 'cause of all that sexual harassment news. Now it's, like, creepy to date older guys. You're not creepy, sir, it's not you. It's not you specifically. It's just everything your generation made is a little sketchy.
& I always thought that was weird until I thought through it. "Why don't I get down on one knee and propose?" And then I realized why 'cause I thought it through, right? .....
& ... And I realized that if you're a woman proposing to a man, you have to open with something completely different than the guys open. I would have to open with, "If you take your dick out right now, I will fucking kill you."
& "I would never suck your dick on one knee because I know you would think about Colin Kaepernick, and we can't both be doing that."
& ... Then I would just go into my romantic speech. I'd be like, "Alex, will you make me the happiest woman in the world and let me buy my own engagement ring? 'Cause you can't afford the one I deserve."
& Has anyone done a 23andMe test? Yeah? How'd it go?... You're 10% Native American, but you didn't know that? Your kids will be getting into college, so congratulations. You have that.
& As soon as my friends become parents, they get freaked out about technology. Mostly the phones, that's every conversation I have with parents now. They're like, "These kids, now they're on their phones eight hours a day. Kids are on their phones all day long now." I'm like, "Good. We've finally figured out a way to shut them the fuck up."
& "Why… Why are you complaining about this miracle in your living room?" They're like, "Whitney, because the phones are dangerous for the kids." Eh… Are they? Is anything more dangerous for the kids than what we played on? You want to put your kids on the shit we played on when we were children? Okay, great, why don't you put your kid on a merry-go-round?
& We used to play on something called a seesaw. It's a piece of wood on a hinge. The main objective was just to catapult the other child… into the air. And we were such homicidal psychopaths. If you were the kid that was on the bottom, you'd be like, "I wonder what would happen if I just jumped off this?"
& I have a goddaughter, she's five. I went to her playground. If you've been to a playground recently, you know playgrounds are totally-- You know, playgrounds now, they're, like, mushy? Did you know that playgrounds have shade? Dude, we had a slide made out of sheet metal. It would bake in the hot sun. Dude, you'd get down on it. It was like a hot skillet. You'd go down that slide, like… We'd be squealing like pigs. Frying our assholes!
& You cannot argue that kids are not physically safer than they've ever been. Like, kids don't get injured the way we got injured. When's the last time you saw a kid in a cast? It doesn't fuckin' happen, dude. We used to spend the first 45 minutes of school signing casts. That's how we learned to read and write.
& This is a big one, "Wendy, they could go on the Internet and get misinformation." That's all we got. My mom used to tell me that when the ice-cream truck played music, that meant it was out of ice cream... Do you know how fucked up that is? We got misinformation in the form of lies. From people that were supposed to love us.
& I don't think anything should exist today if you can't sell it right now as a brand-new idea. I get why ballet was entertaining like 400 years ago, but I don't think it needs to still be a business based on what we now know. Imagine trying to sell ballet as a brand-new concept to a Broadway producer right now...
You'd be like, "Hey, I have this idea for a show. It's a dance show. It's about 20 18-year-old girls. They dance for about two hours in underwear."
They'll be like, "Brrr, I'm sorry, is that like a burlesque-type show?"
"Not at all. They don't have tits or asses because we starve them. And their toes look like curly fries for the rest of their life."
They'd be like, "Uhh… I'm sorry, I'm just trying to understand this show. So it's just women, there's no men in the show?"
"Oh, my God, totally forgot to tell you. Yes, there is one man in the show. He is like 30 and he's the one that holds them up by their pussies."
"Sorry, I'm just trying to wrap my head around this idea. Um, so they're just in underwear? Is that the only--"
"Oh, forgot to tell you. Of course they're not just in underwear. We have skirts for them, obviously. But we figured out a way to make them go straight out. So you can still see everything you need to see."
"I'm sorry, I'm just-- I'm not getting it. Do you want to just, I don't know, show me the dance moves?"
She's like, "No problem, it's very simple. They just show their pussies… from every angle. Their pussies fly. They're making the pussies fly. And then they just present their pussies to everyone in the audience. One by one... You know how you blow kisses at people? They just blow their pussies at people... Don't worry, we don't let them smile. Make sure they have no joy behind their eyes."
You can have one, of course, sir. Of course.
Ballet is a wild show! It's a wild show. You know a show's creepy when they give the audience binoculars. Like, why do they have binoculars?... Why do the binoculars have one handle bar?... Why do you need one hand free?... What is this show? It's called The Nutcracker, you guys!
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+ Quotes on the IMDb
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