Jerry Seinfeld: I grew up in the '60s, and I see a lot of beautiful young people here tonight, enjoying your life of uh... infinite potential and opportunity. Because you're young and your life is still ahead of you, and it's all going to happen... Let me tell you little punks something! You didn't even have a childhood. You had nothing! You had garbage compared to what we had in the '60s.
And you know why? Your parents paid attention to you, OK? They were interested in you. My parents, our parents, they didn't even know our names, OK? They were ignorant, they were negligent, they were checked-out. We grew up like wild dogs in the '60s!
There was no nutrition. Nothing... of knowledge of nutrition, education, safety. Can you even imagine the world I am describing? No helmets, no seat belts, no restraints. Anything came to a stop, we just flew through the air. I was either eating 100% sugar, or airborne. That was my childhood.
Jerry Seinfeld: ...when you're a little kid in these places, ... the boredom is so intense, it's so powerful. When you're five and you get bored, you cannot support your body weight. You literally just... I would just... I would just get down. I had to get down. ... And I would lie down, flat. Flat. Just... "Sorry, Mom. There's nothing I can do. This place is so dull, I cannot get up."
Jerry Seinfeld: This is what I think adulthood is. Adulthood is the ability to be totally bored and remain standing.
Jerry Seinfeld: I wanted to ruin my appetite. I got tired of hearing, "You're going to ruin your appetite." "Ruin your appetite." As adults, we understand even if you ruin an appetite, there's another appetite coming right behind it. There's no danger of running out of appetites.
Jerry Seinfeld: ...comedians sometimes have a little difficulty in normal social situations. I can do this, for some reason, and I always... always felt comfortable doing what I'm doing right now. I could talk to all of you, but I can't talk to any of you.
Jerry Seinfeld: Biggest step, I think, in relationships is you decide to have a kid. I think you get to a point where everybody you know has pretty much caught onto you. You need to create a new person that doesn't know anything about you. You need a relationship where someone's impressed you know where the spoons are. Where to urinate.
Jerry Seinfeld: But, of course, they mature, become intelligent and leave the house. That's why people get pets, because dogs stay stupid. They grow, they get older, but they never catch on to anything. Every time you come home, he thinks it's amazing. They go through the routine. ♪ He's back again! ♪ It's that guy with the food And the ball ♪ It's the guy ♪ "How did you know which house I was in?"
Jerry Seinfeld: I'm excited for the clothes that you're wearing tonight. Your clothes got out. That's a big night for them, too. Clothes are waiting all the time. They're waiting in the store, closet, hamper, drawer. Everything you're not wearing now is home, hoping to get picked tomorrow. Laundry day is another exciting day. The washing machine is a nightclub for clothes. It's dark, bubbles are happening, they're all dancing. They seem to kind of dance in there, don't they? The shirt grabs the underwear, "Come on, babe, let's go." You come by, you open up the lid, they all freeze... "Could you close the door, please? It's kind of a private club." "There's a dress code, no one's allowed to be on anything."
Jerry Seinfeld: Time is uh... I think one of the things people lie about the most. Anything "20 minutes" is a lie. Any time someone says, "I'll be there in 20 minutes. It takes 20 minutes..." "You said 20 minutes." "It was!" Nobody knows what 20 minutes is. If you want to lie, just say, "I'll be 20 minutes. I'll be there in 20 minutes."
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+ Quotes on the IMDb
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