The Pandemic Special

South Park 24×0

Stephen Stotch: Butters, for the last time, you can't go to Build-A-Bear.
Butters Stotch: But they said they were open again, so...
Stephen Stotch: Yes, they're open, but we are not the Johnsons, and we do not go to non-essential businesses when it's non-essential!

Stephen Stotch: Hey, do you people mind?! You're supposed to wear your mask over your nose. Looks like you're wearing a diaper for your chin. Chin diapers don't help.

Stephen Stotch: What the--? What's going on now?!
— Something at the town square! Everyone's gathering!
Stephen Stotch: Well, are we protesting, or are we rioting?

Sharon Marsh: A Pandemic Special, Randy? Really?
Randy Marsh: What?
Sharon Marsh: People are hurting. People are dying, Randy. And all you can think about is making a special about it?
Randy Marsh: I'm doing something positive to try and help. People really need this right now.
Sharon Marsh: You are a child, Randy! These are very serious times, and nobody wants or cares about your stupid special right now!
Randy Marsh: We'll see if they like my special.

Randy Marsh: Well, that's it, guys. We have run out of weed for the day. Oh, hang on. Sorry. Uh, didn't somebody say the Pandemic Special was a bad idea?
Sharon Marsh: I wasn't saying you wouldn't make money. I was saying maybe that's not what should matter right now.
Randy Marsh: Oh, come on. Think about it. Do you even know anyone personally who's dying of COVID?
Sharon Marsh: Yes! My brother Jimbo, who is in the hospital!
Randy Marsh: Jimbo's a fat alcoholic who'd be in the hospital anyway. All I'm saying is that we can't let some dirty virus from "China" completely upend our lives and shut us down!
Sharon Marsh: Please do not quote the President in front of our child!

Eric Cartman: Maybe you didn't hear me, Kyle. They want us to go back to school!
Kyle Broflovski: So?!
Eric Cartman: "So?" What the fuck? You really wanna go back to that slavery?!
Kyle Broflovski: I want an education! I want to be able to compete for a job when I'm older.
Eric Cartman: You crazy, psychotic... Kyle, we need to get a lawyer to stop the schools from forcing us back. Now, whatever your messed-up beliefs are about wanting to go to school...

Eric Cartman: Mark my words, Kyle. First, they'll force us back to school, then they'll take social distancing away from us completely, and I'll be out of my room having to hang out with you!
Kyle Broflovski: You're out of your room hanging out with me now.
Eric Cartman: Oh, my God. They won't get away with this!

Sharon Marsh: I thought that the issue was the teachers not coming back.
Mr. Mackey: That is correct. Our teaching staff does not feel safe to return. But... we have hired all new teachers. M'kay. These are people who have recently lost their jobs due to recent events and are desperate for work. M'kay. So they'll do just about anything.

Det. Harris: You were all exposed to a student here who was taken to the hospital due to COVID. Yes?
Stan Marsh: Uh, we were there, and Token was actually taken to the hospital because you guys shot him.
Det. Harris: Yes, due to COVID. If it weren't for COVID, all the previous teachers would have still been here, we wouldn't have been in the class, and nobody would have gotten shot. Therefore the young man is in the hospital due to COVID.
Officer Johnston: It was COVID-related.

Randy Marsh: This is all your fault, Mickey Mouse! You made the deal with the devil when you sold your "Mulan" shit to China! And then you took me out and sold me on how great China was and how we should all suck their dick! You made me lose my tegridy and anything special that I had...

Sharon Marsh: Dump it?! Why are you worrying about this right now?!
Randy Marsh: Because the Pandemic Special needs to end. A special has to end, Sharon, or else it's not really a "special," is it?

Det. Harris: Attention protesting looters! Protesting slash looting is a violation of the mayor's health order. You have five minutes to come out or we will have to take action.

Stan Marsh: Don't do it, Cartman! That thing is our only chance.
Eric Cartman: Your only chance! For your normal, not mine! I am not going back to school!

Stan Marsh: You guys were right, okay? This hasn't been about Butters. I've been acting like this because I can't take these shutdowns anymore, and I'm scared what it's doing to me. I'm looking for who to blame. Saying I'm trying to help people to make myself feel better, because the truth is... I just want to have fun again. I wanted to see that I could go out in the world and do things that I used to do, but I can't. I'm not any better, and I don't care any more than anyone else. And I did all this because I just want my life back. I just want my life back...

Randy Marsh: How do I even begin to apologize?... You guys we were right. I think all the marijuana really did go to my head. You said it... a drug is a drug, and I'm not who I used to be. It's time for me to own up to everything. It's time everyone knew what started this pandemic..... Hey, Sharon, I need to talk to you... I'm not as strong as you are, Sharon. I can't deal with hard times the way that you can.
Sharon Marsh: If you're ready to talk, I'm ready to listen, Randy. What?
Randy Marsh: You want nothing to do with the Pandemic Special...
Sharon Marsh: No. I don't smoke marijuana, Randy.
Randy Marsh: Uh-huh.
Sharon Marsh: What did you want to talk to me about?
Randy Marsh: I just... think maybe I'm gonna do a few more specials. You got some shit on your face.

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+ Quotes on the IMDb