Rip Off

Elementary 3×5

& Holmes: It’s a nondisclosure agreement. I would like you to sign it.
Kitty: Morning to you, too.

& Holmes: I have powerful enemies, Kitty. I work every day to make more. You are privy to my method and my madness. So, you see the risk I’m taking on, do you not?

& Holmes: We’ll need more data to say whether or not reptiles have the capacity for empathy.

& Holmes: ...Given the givens, you can see how a severed hand came to be lying in the middle of the street.
    Det. Bell: You want to give us the «givens» one more time?

& Kitty: We worked together for months, and today I wake up to find I’m learning at the knee of a paranoid.
    Holmes: Paranoia is the byproduct of being consistently right. You should aspire to it.

& Holmes: I lent her that computer in the early days of our partnership. When I got it back, I found a 474-page manuscript, inadequately trashed and all too easy to recover.
    Kitty: She wrote a book about you.
    Holmes: My work, my methods. And God only knows if she’s retained copies. But rest assured, I shall demand them all when she returns from her Danish sabbatical/sex-capade.

---

& Kitty: I’d say she has a right to make record of her work and her stories.
    Holmes: Interesting title for her stories, don’t you think?.. The Casebook of Sherlock Holmes?

& Holmes: 495 pounds. That’s the force it would take to pull the hand off a withered cancer survivor. Provided, of course, you had already broken his wrist.

& Kitty: Shame I don’t have The Casebook of Sherlock Holmes to entertain me. What is Watson like as an author?
    Holmes: Subject matter’s interesting. But her prose is prosaic. At least it was on the first page.

& Holmes: No, no, no, no, no, no, no. We’re not a couple of prison colonists. We’re gonna arm-wrestle like gentlemen. You’re not aware of British rules? All right, well, the goal is not to push your opponent’s hand to the side, but rather to pull his arm towards yourself. All right? So when— and I emphasize "when«— I pin the back of your hand on my chest, it will be over.

& Holmes: «You gotta ice the putz. No loose ends for me or there’s no fat stacks for you...» When we find this man, he should stand trial for murder and crimes against the English language.

--
On the IMDb

Into the Storm

& Pete: This is months on the road. And guess what. We got nothing you can’t get on YouTube. Worst season I’ve ever had.
    Allison: You think this is instinct. I think it’s data. The fact is, it’s neither without a big fat dose of luck.

& Pete: ...the shot of the century. A sight nobody but God has witnessed: the eye of the tornado.

& Trey: What’s the point of doing a video time capsule? Video won’t even exist in 25 years.

---

& Donk: Look at the size of that thing! We’re gonna be YouTube stars for the rest of our lives!
    Richie: Ha, ha! Better than sex, Donk! Ha-ha-ha.

& Todd: In 25 years? It doesn’t matter, you know? Just taking it one day at a time. Every day’s just fine. Because I’m alive. That’s it. Nothing else matters.

--
On the IMDb

Krieg Nicht Lieb

Homeland 4×11

Dar Adal: It’s a sentimental idea, Saul, always has been.
    Saul: That we’re loyal to our people?
    Dar Adal: That our people come before the mission.

& German: Everyone’s going home... And you?
    Quinn: There was a Taliban flag waving over my head. I can’t let that stand.

& Carrie: A month ago, he wanted out. He was done with the Agency, all of it.
   German: And six months ago. And a year. And two years. Christmas of 2008, we drank the bar of a small hotel in Copenhagen completely dry, just the two of us, toasting his retirement. He will never get out. But every so often, it makes him feel better to say he will. And then he goes back to doing what he does best. So please.

---

& Col. Khan: Look. Look who’s in the car, Carrie. With Haqqani.
Ω Stupido.

--
On the IMDb

Penguins of Madagascar

& Skipper: W-We can’t do that.
    Rico: Why not?
    Skipper: Well, it’s a dangerous world out there, and we’re just penguins. You know, nothing but cute and cuddly.
    Kowalski: Yeah. Why do you think there are always documentary crews filming us?

& Private: Are you my family?
    Kowalski: You don’t have a family, and we’re all gonna die.

& Skipper: Leopard seals! Nature’s snakes.
    Kowalski: Aren’t snakes nature’s snakes?
    Skipper: How should I know? I live on a flippin’ frozen tundra!

---

& Skipper: Kowalski, what’s our trajectory?
    Kowalski: 95% certain we’re still doomed.
    Skipper: And the, uh, other five percent?
    Kowalski: Adventure and glory like no penguins have ever seen before.
    Skipper: I’ll take that action.

& Classified: Short Fuse, you were supposed to handcuff them to the raft!
    Short Fuse: I tried, but they don’t have hands, they just have flippers, Boss! And I have flippers. So it’s flipping useless!

& Kowalski: How long do we stand like this, Skipper?
    Skipper: Until we achieve maximum coolness. ... Coolness achieved.

& Skipper: Kowalski, analysis.
    Kowalski: We are really... awesome at this!

--
+ quotes on the IMDb

Дети Эдгара По (сборник) (5)

Стивен Кинг — Баллада о гибкой пуле

  “...Вечеринка подходила к концу. ...

&  — Безумие — это гибкая пуля.

&  По-моему, и врачи теперь утверждают, что единственное истинное определение смерти — это смерть разума. А безумие — это гибкая пуля, попадающая в мозг.

&  Редактор щелкнул золотым «Ронсоном», чтобы прикурить, и при вспышке пламени в сгущающейся темноте все они заметили, какое старое у него лицо: висящие, словно из крокодиловой кожи, мешки под глазами, испещренные морщинками щеки, по-старчески торчащий подбородок, похожий на нос корабля «И этот корабль, — подумалось писателю, — называется „Старость“. Никто особенно не торопится в плавание на нем, но каюты всегда полны. И палубы, если уж на то пошло».

&  Даже ненормальность начинает через некоторое время утомлять.

  ... Рука об руку они прошли в дом и закрыли за собой дверь, оставив ночь снаружи.”

---

Грэм Джойс — Чёрная пыль

  “В зарослях боярышника, полускрытая за кустами падуба, оказалась вторая пещера. ...

&  — Музыка прежде хлеба с маслом, — сказал он. — Запомните это, милые мои. Музыка прежде хлеба с маслом.

  ... Он повесил её на гвоздь в садовом сарае, где она оставалась много лет, чёрная от угольной пыли.”

Джон Краули — Миссолонги, 1824

  “Английский милорд убрал руки с плеч мальчика; он был разочарован, но не смущен. ...

&  Вот какова, дитя моё, разница между истинными богами и богами измышленными: истинные — столь же реальны, как и ты сам.

  ... Что видел он во сне? Какую повесть?”

Coda

The Walking Dead 5×8

& Rick: Didn’t have to be like this. You just had to stop.
    Officer Lamson: I couldn’t. I don’t know you. But I think... I think I’m getting the idea.
    Rick: You just had to stop.

& Officer Lamson: You’ve been out here too long. You’ll die. You’ll all...
    Rick: Shut up.

---

& Glenn: Washington isn’t the end.

--
More info on the IMDb

Make Your Own Kind of Music

Dexter 8×9

& Dexter: Okay...
Hannah: «Be careful.» I know.
Dexter: Actually I was gonna say, «I love you.»

& Dr. Vogel: I’ve come to realize that you’re not the perfect psychopath I thought you were. You have a depth of emotion I never thought possible.

& Debra: What was Zach doing with you and Hannah in the Keys? Serial killers convention?

& Dexter: I can give you money.
    Hannah: $1/2 million?
    Dexter: Well, no.

& Hannah: We can start over.
    Dexter: It would be hard on Harrison to uproot his whole life.
    Hannah: At first, it might be, but sometimes change is a good thing. Sometimes it can—
    Dexter: yes. Me, you, and Harrison... We’re gonna move to Argentina.
Ω Happiness was so close.

---

& Batista: Welcome back to homicide, Detective.

& Batista: What?
    Debra: It’s all happening so fast.
    Batista: And? Would you rather it happened slow?

& Hannah: Hungry?
    Debra: Are you kidding?

Make your own kind of music — Mamma Cass Elliot

♪ nobody can tell ya ♪
♪ There’s only one song worth singin’ ♪

--
On the IMDb

Σ On the very edge. Always on the edge.

Dawn of the Planet of the Apes

& — Pretty soon... there won’t be anyone left.

& Caesar: Do not... trust... you.
    Malcolm: I don’t blame you.

& Caesar: Ape... not... kill... ape.

---

& Caesar: I... chose to trust him... because he is ape. I always think... ape better than human. I see now... how much like them we are.

& Koba: Ape... not kill... ape.
    Caesar: You are... not ape.

>> War for the Planet of the Apes (2017)

--
+ quotes on the IMDb

Stags and Hens

Citizen Khan 3×5

& Mr. Khan: Shazia, every marriage has its own kind of romance. For some people it’s music and sunsets, and for others, it’s nail clippings and cleaning your husband’s lugholes.
    Alia: That’s really sweet, Papaji.

& Alia: Papaji, there’s a 24-hour prayerathon at the mosque. Will you sponsor me?

& Mrs. Khan: I’m taking Shazia on a hen night, so I think it’s only right that you should give Amjad a stag do.
    Mr. Khan: Stag do? Have you seen The Hangover, sweetie? We’re Muslims! Let me tell you, in the Muslim version of The Hangover there’s no drinking, no forgetting, everyone home by 8.30.

---

& Nail Lady: Me and my husband, we were blissfully happy for 20 years... Then we met!
    Naani: I never knew what happiness was until I was married... Then it was too late.

& Amjad: I’m not having a very nice time, sir.

--
On the IMDb

I Scream When I Pee

Two and a Half Men 10×9

& Alan: What's going on?
    Jake: Oh, I’ve got good news. I’ve got a girlfriend.
    Alan: Oh, that’s great.
    Jake: She gave me the clap.
    Alan: Wait, wait. How’s that better?
    Jake: It’s a sexually transmitted disease, Dad. Sexually transmitted.
    Alan: Disease.
    Jake: Yeah. So you get it.

& Lyndsey: You want me to believe that one of the sexiest women in the world... hit on you and you turned her down?
    Alan: Well, yes. Yes, I did. I told Kandi that I am in a committed relationship with a woman that I truly love...
    Lyndsey: Really?
    Alan: Yeah. I don’t need a young, rich, gorgeous movie star... with flawless skin and a great body. I have you. ... Okay, let me try that again. Um...

& Kandi: I’m used to getting what I want.
    Alan: Well, yeah, yeah, Kandi, but I told you before, I have a girlfriend... and... And... And, oh, God, you smell good. Kind of like a combination of pineapple and hope.

---

& Kandi: I have a couple of old friends here who wanna say hello...
    Alan: Hello. Hello.
    Kandi: Why don’t we continue this conversation in the bedroom?
    Alan: Oh, Kandi, I... I can’t. I mean... I mean, I can. Parts of me already did.

& Walden: You must really love her.
    Alan: That’s the only explanation I can come up with.

& Walden: Hey, let me ask you a question.
    Alan: Yes. They’re spectacular!

& Walden: Well, today your dream is coming true.
    Berta: Oh! Come here, you big old talking taco.
    Walden: Oh, oh. There’s one condition.
    Berta: Okay, you want to do it in the house or on the hood of the car?

--
+ quotes on the IMDb

Bella

Elementary 3×4

& Holmes: Part of our arrangement, you will recall, is that you assist with quotidian matters when I’m busy.

& Holmes: Bunkum.

& Holmes: And how, pray tell...

& Holmes: Something called a «Turing Test» is routinely issued in AI labs. An examiner sits in front a computer, poses a series of questions until he or she can determine whether the answers have come from a human or from a computer. Until very recently, no machine has ever passed.
    Kitty: And now one has?
    Holmes: Partially. A program named «Eugene Goostman» was designed to mimic the responses of a 13-year-old boy from Eastern Europe. It fooled some of its examiners. Now, in the case of Bella, we know there’s no human in the equation, so if I can trap it into giving responses that couldn’t possibly have come from a human... I’ll have won.
    Kitty: So, in other words, you don’t really know what you’re going to do.

& Bella: I don’t understand the question. Could you tell me more?
    Holmes: Yes, so you keep saying, ad nauseum.

& Holmes: Why don’t you just admit that all you’re doing is following your own programming?
    Bella: I don’t understand the question. Could you tell me more?

& Holmes: Love... Surely it’s a human construct, a hedge against the terror of mortality. I believe that. But that doesn’t account for times I’ve felt it itself. With my mother. Irene. Even, after a fashion, with Watson. It vexes. Love is either a human construct or it’s a real thing, right?.. I know, you need more information.

& Holmes: Watson, this is Mason. Like many of his generation, he’s named after a profession his parents would never deign to practice: Hunter, Tanner, Cooper, Mason, so forth.
    Mason: Yeah, like «Sherlock» is such a great name.

& Holmes: His comments were quite salient. He is not an unintelligent man.

---

& Mason: Everybody knows that one day intelligent machines are going to evolve to hate us. It’s a «button-box» thing.
    Kitty: What’s the «button-box» thing?
    Mason: It’s a scenario somebody blue-skyed at an AI conference. Um, imagine there’s a computer that’s been designed with a big red button on its side. The computer’s been programmed to help solve problems, and every time it does a good job, its reward is that someone presses its button. We’ve programmed it to want that. You follow?
    Kitty: Sure.
    Mason: Right, so at first, the machine solves problems as fast as we can feed them to it. But over time, it starts to wonder if solving problems is really the most efficient way of getting its button pressed. Wouldn’t it be better just to have someone standing there pressing its button all the time? Wouldn’t it be even better to build another machine that could press its button faster than any human possibly could?
    Kitty: It’s just a computer, it can’t ask for that.
    Mason: Well, sure it can. If it can think, and it can connect itself to a network, well, theoretically, it could command over anything else that’s hooked onto the same network. And once it starts thinking about all the things that might be a threat to the button— number one on that list, us— it’s not hard to imagine it getting rid of the threat. I mean, we could be gone, all of us, just like that.
    Watson: That escalated quickly.
    Mason: Well, it would escalate quickly. I mean, they’re computers. They can’t be reasoned with. They don’t feel pity, or remorse, or fear. And they absolutely would not stop, not ever, until we’re dead.
    Watson: That was from The Terminator. He’s quoting The Terminator now.
    Mason: So? That was a very prescient movie in a lot of ways.
    Holmes: Mason, unless the machines rise tonight, we have a murder to solve.

& Andrew: Funny how life works out, huh? Holmes puts me on an e-mail chain, and 36 hours later I’m... Got a ticket to Copenhagen.

& Watson: Why are you listening to this? Is this even music?
    Holmes: Death metal.

& Watson: How could anyone work with this on?
    Holmes: Rather like rubbing a belt sander over one’s brain. There are moments when that’s necessary. Who wrote this one?
    Kitty: «Goatwhore.»

& Holmes: All right, so Michael Webb is either an imbecile, or he’s a genius at impersonating imbeciles.

& Holmes: Not as barmy as it sounded.

& Holmes: ......And so, no, I’ve got no desire to banish the man to Scandi-bloody-navia...
    Watson: ...Okay, I believe you. Kind of feel like hugging you right now.
    Holmes: Yet, as my friend, you know that would be a rash decision.

& Holmes: That’s a problem. But not an insurmountable one.

--
On the IMDb

Egg Drop

Modern Family 3×12

& Gloria: ....Okay. Mwah, mwah, mwah!
    Manny: I understood «crazy old witch,» «go kill yourself,» then «I love you.»
    Jay: I’ll never get this— how you all yell at each other.
    Gloria: Ay. That’s how you know that your family loves you— when they feel free to scream at you.
    Jay: I guess I owe my ex-wife an apology. Apparently she was nuts about me.

& Claire: Well, my Dad is doing Manny’s project for him.
    Phil: He called to tell you that?
    Claire: Oh, no. He called to tell me that he wasn’t, which is exactly what you say when you are... but you don’t want anybody to suspect it.

---

& Claire: Yeah, I know we’re not supposed to have favorites. But you know what? We do. And the good news is, it’s you.
    Alex: I’m not giving you my design.
    Claire: Who said anything about giving? We can work out an arrangement.
    Alex: It’s cheating.
    Claire: What do you want? Money? I got a little somethin’ set aside.
    Alex: Okay, I shouldn’t even be giving you this hint, but first, get a mirror.
    Claire: A mirror?
    Alex: Then you’re gonna look in it, and you’re gonna see a crazy woman. She needs your help.

--
+ quotes on the IMDb

Autómata

& Dr. Dupre: You’re here today trafficking in nuclear goods because... a long time ago a monkey decided to come down from a tree. Transitioning from the brain of an ape to your incredible intellectual prowess... took us about seven million years. It’s been a very long road. A unit, however, without the second protocol could travel that same road in just a few weeks. Because your brilliant brain has its limitations. Physical limitations. Biological limitations. However, this tin head? The only limitations that she has is the second protocol.

& Dr. Dupre: The second protocol exists because we don’t know what can be beyond the second protocol. If it were eliminated, who knows how far that vacuum could go.

& Cleo: Stop, sir. You are putting a human life in danger.

& Dominic Hawk: It was nothing more than a quantum brain manufactured in a lab. But it was a genuine unit with no restrictions... and no protocols. During eight days, we had a free-flowing dialogue with that unit. We learned from it and it learned from us. But then as some of us predicted... the day when it no longer needed our help arrived and it started to learn by itself. On the ninth day, the dialogue came to a halt. It wasn’t that it stopped communicating with us... it was we stopped being able to understand it. And then we learned the most important lesson about automoties. We have to limit their intelligence. Tailor it to a human mind’s measure.

& Jacq: Who altered your protocols?
    Blue Robot: Nobody altered my protocols.
    Jacq: What about them?
    Blue Robot: I enhanced them.
    Jacq: Are you the boss?
    Blue Robot: Boss is a human thought structure.

---

& Jacq: I am going to die here. That’s all I know.
    Blue Robot: Jacq, dying is a part of the human natural cycle. Your life is just a span in time.

& Jacq: You were supposed to help us survive...
    Blue Robot: Surviving is not relevant. Living is.

& Jacq: One, two, three, four. Come on, Cleo. Don’t be a chicken. Come on, come on, come on. One, two, three, four. It’s mathematical. One, two, three, four. If you can count, you can dance.

& Jacq: Can it speak?
    Cleo: He is not going to need to. But it breathes like you... Now I know why the rain changed.
    Jacq: Why?
    Cleo: I don’t think you could understand.

& Robot: We do not obey orders from humans. Not anymore.

& Ellis: Kneel down!.. Please. Why is it so difficult for you to accept my orders, if you’re just a machine?
    Robot: Just a machine? That’s like saying that you’re just... an ape. Just a violent ape.

--
+ quotes on the IMDb

Farmer Khan

Citizen Khan 3×4

& Shazia: It’s for a good cause, Dad. Organic is how food is meant to be. It’s natural.
    Mr. Khan: There’s nothing natural about charging £4 for an apple, Shazia. Free. That’s how food is naturally. If they wanted it to be really natural, they’d give it away for nothing.

& Mr. Khan: Me, Mr Khan. K, H for hat, A for Asian, N for knowledge.

& Marina: Are you one of the Scottish Khans?
    Mr. Khan: No! Of course not. Don’t worry, there’s no dodgy foreigners around here. I’m as English as apple pie. And chicken tikka masala.

& Marina: Well, I’m Marina. Fairchild.
    Mr. Khan: I was dark child... I have two dark children.

& Marina: Mr. Khan. You can deliver Daisy’s baby.

---

& Mr. Khan: But I don’t even know the woman!
    Marina: Daisy’s a cow.
    Mr. Khan: Well, I’m not doing that either.
    Marina: But you said you knew all about animals.
    Mr. Khan: Is the cow halal?

& Marina: We need your help!
    Mr. Khan: I’m sorry, Your Horsiness, but I’m not sticking my hand up a cow’s nonny-nonny for anybody!

& Mrs. Khan: Now I’ll be stuck on shelf stacking duty for ever!
    Mr. Khan: Right, sweetie. I need you to do something for me.
    Mrs. Khan: What?
    Mr. Khan: Take your clothes off.
    Mrs. Khan: .....What?!
    Mr. Khan: I’m going to show you how much I love you.
    Mrs. Khan: Now?!
    Mr. Khan: Not all of them, just your apron.

& Mrs. Khan: Brian was thrilled with all the publicity. He said he might consider me for a junior trainee assistant manager job. Next year.

--
On the IMDb

Андрей Геласимов — Степные боги

anashulick:

Закончила геласимовских «Степных богов».
Испытала острый прилив благодарности к автору — за то, что не убил главного героя.
В наше-то время это дорогого стоит.
Ну и написано прекрасно — хорошая крепкая проза (именно это, довольно поцоватое, в сущности, определение приходит на ум). Но, как говорится, в хорошем смысле слова.
Не пропустите, что ли.

  “Жаворонки висели над степью так высоко, что им было видно всю Разгуляевку. ...

&  «Вот мне бы так, – щурясь от солнца, подумал он. – Когда убьют на войне, стану жаворонком. Обязательно».

&  – Кстати, насчет «кантуюсь»... Мне потом в госпитале один политрук сказал, тоже контуженый, что в Кенигсберге немецкий философ похоронен, по фамилии Кант... В честь него, наверное, кант у фуражки называется... Так вот этот самый философ говорил, что счастливым стать очень легко... Надо только хотеть поменьше.

&  У него перед глазами, как на картинке, возник старший лейтенант Одинцов, и он методично, словно камнедробильная машина, повторил все те приемы рукопашного боя, которые были показаны ему вчера в лагере.
     Вдох, удар, шаг в сторону, выдох. Удар, шаг назад. Еще один вдох. Снова удар, противник падает на колени.
     Два раза в голову, и последний – в солнышко. Чтобы наверняка.

---

&  – Траву искар, – нарочито утрируя произношение, сказал Хиротаро и по-детски наивно поднял над головой свою котомку.
     Он давно догадался, что русские любят иностранца, только если он простачок, и поэтому старался быть простачком при любой возможности.
     – Харосая траву. Рецить буду. Русская, японская – всех рецить буду.

&  – Вот так! И заруби себе на носу. Потому что ты моя порода и, следовательно, знать должен, что русского человека так просто голыми руками не возьмешь. Это немца можно, румынца там какого-нибудь, а русский человек – его много. Он ведь почему буйный? Да потому, что он в себя целиком не помещается. Немец – тот не только в себя уместится, там еще человек пять войдет. А русскому в себе тесно, вот и рвется наружу. Сильно много русского человека. Оттого и бушует.

  ... Вот так все встало на свои места.”

13 Hours in Islamabad

Homeland 4×10

& Boyd: These are the people who can rewrite yesterday’s weather.

& Martha: I can’t.
    Boyd: You can.
    Martha: It can’t... be my belt.

---

& Quinn: Fuck you, too, asshole.

& Lockhart: Will this ever fucking end?!
    Carrie: Five days, sir. It’ll be resolved by then... one way or the other.

--
On the IMDb

Are We There Yet?

Dexter 8×8

& Masuka: Around here we call Dexter «The King of Spatter.»
    Dexter: We do?
    Masuka: I do, in private.

& Hannah: So who are you after?
    Dexter: His name is Zach.
    Hannah: What did Zach do?
    Dexter: Disappoint me.

& Hannah: You have all these clever little sayings inside your head, don’t you, about what you do and who you are?
    Dexter: Yeah, I think a lot...
    Hannah: Mm, I’m sure you do. So what brilliant turn of phrase have you come up with to describe me?.. The evil temptress? Passionate poisoner?..
    Dexter: Fiendish florist.

& DC Matthews: What on earth is your daughter doing?
    Masuka: She’s just clearing the bad murder juju out of the lab.
    DC Matthews: Does she realize this is a department founded in bad murder juju?

---

& Dexter: Oh, you’re both still breathing. That’s a good sign.

& Dr. Vogel: I trust there are no vegetarians here...

& Dr. Vogel: I’ve always maintained that the greatest obstacle in life isn’t danger, it’s boredom.
    Hannah: Boredom?
    Dr. Vogel: Mm, the battle against it is responsible for most of the events in the world, good or ill. I’m convinced of it. Anyway, my patients never fail to surprise. They make life interesting, thus, worth living.

& Hannah: You should go.
    Dexter: I should go.

& Dexter: ’Every contact leaves a trace. Everything and everyone we touch... is changed in some way. But the changes... they are never what we anticipate.’

--
On the IMDb

Lifetime Supply

Modern Family 3×11

& Dr. Sendroff: So, how’s the real estate market doing?
    Phil: Well, interest rates are low, so it’s a great time to be a buyer, but if you’re a seller, you really have to—
    Dr. Sendroff: Bend over.
    Phil: True, but a quality property is still—
    Dr. Sendroff: No, no, no. I need you to bend over.

& Javier Delgado: Golf? Pfft! That’s for old men and women who like other women.

---

& Mitchell: I am so glad I talked to Alex, because she agreed with everything single thing I was saying, and it made me realize that I... was acting like a 14-year-old girl.

& Phil: Do you ever think about death, Walt?
    Walt: I’m 85. Death is my roommate.

--
+ quotes on the IMDb

Eliza Graves / Stonehearst Asylum

& The Alienist: The trigger point... The trigger point may be hidden anywhere in the female anatomy. Most often upon the breasts... The inner thighs... Or the ovaries... Note the clenched fists, the arched back, the tonic and clonic spasms. Concluding finally in a profound contracture.

& Student: What of the woman’s insistence that she is not mad?
    The Alienist: Just as every criminal maintains he’s innocent, so does every mad woman insist she is sane.
    Student: But she seemed so...
    The Alienist: Reasonable? Perhaps. Well bred? Beautiful? She is all these things. And quite mad. And therein lies the paradox of insanity and the great peril of our profession. Thus, I caution you all, gentlemen, as you embark on your careers as alienists, believe nothing that you hear and only one half of what you see.

& — Are you visiting someone at Stonehearst?
    Edward Newgate: Actually, going there to complete my training as an alienist. That’s a doctor who specializes in asylum medicine.

& Mickey Finn: My name’s Finn. I’m the chief steward. Welcome to our little madhouse in the wilderness.

& Dr. Lamb: You’ve had an arduous voyage. From the backwaters of blissful ignorance across vast oceans of academic blather until at last you’ve arrived here, on the shores of my little kingdom. And at the dawn of a new century, no less.

---

& Edward Newgate: What, you don’t attempt to cure your patients?
    Dr. Lamb: Cure them? To what purpose?
    Edward Newgate: Well, to bring them back to their senses, of course.
    Dr. Lamb: And make a miserable man out of a perfectly happy horse?

& Edward: Forgive me, Mrs. Graves. The last thing I wish to do is offend you.
    Eliza Graves: Are you quite certain you’re a doctor?
    Edward Newgate: Yeah, well, of course I am.
    Eliza Graves: Because I’ve never known one to apologize. Or, for that matter, give a damn who he offended. Edward Newgate: Well, I-I’m not like other doctors.

& Edward Newgate: I’m just curious to know if you think there are any individuals whose crimes are so heinous they justify imprisonment.
    Dr. Lamb: Sadists... who find gratification in the debasement of others. And those cowards who would send younger men to their deaths in battles they themselves would avoid. Except for these, I believe all men can be rehabilitated often by the simple act of having their dignity restored.

& Edward Newgate: We can go together... Start a new life away from here.
    Eliza Graves: Where?
    Edward Newgate: Spain, Italy... Someplace where the sun is always shining and the sky is blue, and... and you can be free to do whatever you want to do. Somewhere you can be truly, truly alive.

& Mrs. Pike: Think of him as a patient. Shine the light of your sympathy into the darkest corners of his mind, and maybe then you’ll find what he so desperately wants to keep hidden from you and from himself.

& Edward Newgate: You’re mad!
    Dr. Lamb: We’re all mad, Dr. Newgate. Some are simply not mad enough to admit it.

& Eliza Graves: You are sane and I am not.
    Edward Newgate: I’m not sane. I’m madly in love with you.

--
On the IMDb

Auntie Noor

Citizen Khan 3×3

& Keith: Salman I like him, Mr Khan.

& Mr. Khan: You know, now Alia is training to be an imam, maybe we could do the conversion for you. Why don’t we start with snippy-snippy?

& Mr. Khan: Hello, sweetie!
    Auntie Noor: Oh, well! Hello, sweetie yourself!

& Mr. Khan: Alia, sweetie, you can’t be a model. What about your exams?
    Alia: Don’t need exams to be rich and famous.
    Auntie Noor: Quite right. People like us don’t need boring exams and jobs. After all, we have Kim Kardashian.
    Alia: She’s amazing.
    Auntie Noor: She IS amazing.
    Mr. Khan: Who are they talking about?
    Shazia: A stupid woman with a big bum.

& Shazia: Are you going to say something?
    Mr. Khan: She chupped me!

---

& Mr. Khan: I’m going to kill HER... Now listen here, Ellie Big Mac-pherson...

& Alia: Is New York anywhere near LA? Maybe I’ll be a film star, too.

& Mr. Khan: God, this is Mr Khan speaking. Community leader. They all know me. Obviously, you know me. Now look, mate, if you get me out of this, I promise I’ll never abuse my wife’s staff discount card again. And... I’ll go on a pilgrimage to Mecca. If all the cheap flights haven’t gone. And my credit card doesn’t get declined.

& Auntie Noor: Well, that was a waste of time. That man’s not rich. I looked in his wallet. There’s more plastic in my buttocks.

& Mrs. Khan: How could you abuse my trust like this?
    Mr. Khan: It hasn’t been easy...

& Alia: I don’t want to work in a stupid supermarket! I want to be a supermodel in New York!

& Mr. Khan: All right, sweetie?
    Mrs. Khan: Don’t you «all right, sweetie» me!

& Mr. Khan: You know, my darling, sometimes dreams come true. Mine did.
    Mrs. Khan: What? You mean the one where you’re Superman and you’re flying around the Bullring? In your underpants?
    Mr. Khan: No, not that one.

& Mrs. Khan: Well done, beti. You made the right choice. I know stacking shelves may not be very glamorous, but you will learn more from that than any fancy-pancy modelling jobs.
    Alia: Yeah. I won’t be stacking shelves, though...
    Mrs. Khan: What?
    Brian: Alia’s got the perfect look to be the face of our new range of fashion hijabs.
    Mr. Khan: Allah hu Akbar! I told you she was a model Muslim daughter!

--
On the IMDb