Rick: A Mort Well Lived

Rick and Morty 6x2

Roy: You guys keep thinking I'm a religious leader. This isn't a religion. This is actual truth. I'm a scientist in real life, but this isn't real life, this is a video game. Y-Y-You at least understand that much, right?

Roy: Everyone here, everyone in this world [is my grandson] but me. You're all my grandson, your name is Morty, you're stuck in a video game, and I'm here to get you out.

Roy: Jesus! Yes! Every single one of you is one five-billionth of Morty. All of you, collectively, are Morty.

Rick Sanchez: It's a small group of alien terrorists. Just do a "Die Hard."
Summer Sanchez: What does that mean?
Rick Sanchez: Sneak around, use air vents. You've never seen "Die Hard"?
Summer Sanchez: I'm 17. No, I've never seen fucking "Die Hard"!
Rick Sanchez: Well, neither did the guy in "Die Hard," so you're nailing it! Good luck!
Chans: Check the hostages. Make sure nobody else here is doing a "Die Hard."

Roy: Look. I feel like every time I explain this, I lose followers, but this isn't a religion. And while I do have a message from a world beyond this one, and I do need the entire world to hear my message, what I do not need is any more songs about it. Not in this genre. I'm an old-school hip-hop man, and no, that's not an invitation for you to try it because I'm just gonna say it, we're missing the mark on diversity.

Roy: There isn't even a God in the real world, you fragmented putz. There's extra no God in here.

Summer Sanchez: I got your walkie talkie. Bitch.
Chans: Are you doing a "Die Hard"?
Summer Sanchez: Maybe. Are... you? Also?
Chans: More or less. And my associate, Frank?
Summer Sanchez: Uh, your associate Frank is definitely not doing a "Die Hard." You might even say he's doing a Die Easy. Because I killed him and it wasn't difficult.

Chans: Tell me. What do you know about "Die Hard"?
Summer Sanchez: What do you care? You writing a book about "Die Hard"?
Chans: As a matter of fact, I've written several. Every sentient civilization across the galaxy eventually develops the same myth...

Chans: She threw her walkie talkie away! She hates "Die Hard"! Which makes her the ultimate McClane. Forget everything you know about "Die Hard" and just go shoot that bitch!

The President: Thank you for meeting with me, Mr. Roy. Half the country hangs on your every word. Heck, most of the world. You're, like, uh, kind of a pope, I reckon.
Roy: I... I'm not a pope because it's not a religion. We're literally in a video game.

The President: So you want every single person on a spaceship. But you got a bunch of holdouts. Maybe people that prefer their leaders a little more elected.
Roy: Right. Your voters. People that like being told what to do, but don't like admitting it.
The President: Yeah, not sure I'd put it that way.
Roy: I'm sure you'd put it a stupid way.

Marta: Y-you're fine leaving 8% of me to die?
Roy: It's not your finest 8%, Morty. And 8% of anything is expendable. 8% of pizza is crust. 8% of the Snyder Cut was Batman dreaming.

Marta: Rick, I'll get every single part of me to get on every ship and go with you.
Roy: Good.
Marta: But you have to tell us you love us.
Roy: ....
Finland PM: I mean, at this point even if he said it, what... what... what's with the pause?

Chans: Why aren't you shooting higher?
Winslow: I don't wanna shoot the glass. Because...
Chans: You don't have to not do things that were done in "Die Hard." You can shoot the glass. Shoot the glass! Throw grenades! Do everything! Just kill her!

Chans: Why are you here, Miss Die Hard?

Marta: I won't lie to you. You're dying, Dad. And we're... not leaving the video game. We're... We're gonna live our lives out here.
Marta's Dad: What? Why the fuck?!
Marta: Why? It's more real here.
Marta's Dad: The hell it is! My liver hurts! I'm old here! I wanna be a teenage boy! I want to jump around and do homework and jerk off all over the place.
Marta: But, Dad, that's... We would've been one tiny part of that. In here, we get to be who we really are.
Marta's Dad: Yeah. Great. Dead. I get to be a dead father.

Chans: I must say I admire you, Ms. Die Hard. You were a genuine McClane... a most worthy Yankee doodle ruffian. But now it's all come to an end... And the quarterback, as they say, is toast.

Chans: I don't suppose you have a gun taped to your back.
Summer Sanchez: What the hell does that mean?
Chans: It's how "Die Hard" ends. Doesn't matter now.
Summer Sanchez: "Die Hard" tapes a gun to his back? That's the end of your perfect movie that you've patterned your whole criminal life after?

Summer Sanchez: Yiiiiiiiiiii... ippppppeeeeeeeee...
Chans: Oh.
Summer Sanchez: ...dippee doo, baby!

Rick Sanchez: Classic "Tower Man." Almost too on the nose. Right, Morty?
Morty Sanchez: Sure. I mean, whatever you say, Rick. Y-You know best! I trust you implicitly.
Summer Sanchez: Is he all right?
Rick Sanchez: Oh, yeah, he's fine. Got him all out, every last piece...

Warehouse Worker 1: Hey, is anybody that wants this later gonna be able to...
Warehouse Worker 2: Huh? Oh, yeah, everything's cataloged and tracked. People got the wrong idea from the size of the space, but it's all supported digitally.
Warehouse Worker 1: So I can put it anywhere. Here's fine?
Warehouse Worker 2: That's as fine as anywhere else!

——
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Rickmurai Jack

Rick and Morty 5x10

Morty: Y-You're, like, looking, like, into crows...still.
Rick: Oh, uh, two crows, you remember Morty. Morty, two crows.

Rick: It's just that the battle for crows is kind of never-ending.
Morty: Huh. Right. A little pointless, then, right? That came out wrong, s-sounded judgy.

Rick: Time be goin' by, don't she?
Morty: That's your reaction to finding out you wasted your entire life?

Rick: Don't worry, honey. That's just Morty's middle age talking. He'll be less codependent once we get more of his life in front of him again.
Summer: Uh, I'd like him to stay 40 so he can keep buying my friends molly... I'd rather throw my vote away than use it to support a flawed system.

Morty: Rick?
Rick: Wubba lubba dub dub! I'm back, pal!

Rick: See ya later, masturbators.

President Morty: "Evil Rick." I love it. Smartest man in the universe, with an ego so big you can just grab it like a joystick.

Morty: I'm sorry, Rick.
Rick: That apology and a screwdriver in my hand would be worth a screwdriver.

President Morty: You sellout Mortys kill me. I'd hate you more than the Ricks you worship if there was any point. But you can't help it. You were bred for it. Wanna see?...

President Morty: There aren't infinite versions of our grandfather, Morty. He's an infinite smear of one shitty old man. And he's attached to us infinitely through his weakness and our forgiveness. This is why we're with him. This is why we're alive.

President Morty: Did you think my force field would be down the second time?
Rick: I was expressing disapproval of your dialogue.
President Morty: Disapprove all you want. Tonight, the quality of dialogue stops mattering. Tonight, I do that thing I want to do with the curve thing.

Morty: Whoa. Dead wife?
Rick: Yes, now everyone can shut up about it.
Morty: Wow, Rick, I feel a lot better having seen all that.
President Morty: Of course that's the case. In their minds, they're the underdogs. And that's how they justify this.
Rick: Morty, I'm not responsible for every [bleep]-up Rick out there.
President Morty: They literally all say that. They all have that excuse. It's part of their system. None of them have to be responsible. They're all victims of themselves.

President Morty: Do you know what the Central Finite Curve is? They built a wall around infinity. They separated all the infinite universes from all the infinite universes where he's the smartest man in the universe. Every version of us has spent every version of all of our lives in one infinite crib built around an infinitebaby. And I'm leaving it.

Prof. Poopybutthole: I guess things went downhill from there. Started isolating myself from Amy. Used to tell her everything I was feeling, but then I guess I stopped, 'cause I wanted her to love who she thought I was, not who I felt myself becoming. Ever think about how horrified the people we love would be if they found out who we truly are? So we just dig ourselves deeper into our lies every day, ultimately hurting the only people brave enough to love us.
     Wish I didn't do that. Wish I was brave enough to love them back. I don't know. Maybe you should try it. We don't have as much time as we think. Ooowee.

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Forgetting Sarick Mortshall

Rick and Morty 5x9

Rick: Wait a minute. Is that Mountain Dew in my quantum transport solution?

Rick: Two crows. You're fired!
Morty: You know what? Eat [BLEEP]. You're just trying to make me feel worthless.
Rick: I never said you're worthless. In fact, I've given you a very clear metric of your worth: Two crows. Note I didn't say three!

Nick: Break the cycle, Morty. Change the things that you can change. That's what I did. And now I'm free.

Rick: Ah, now I see. The real treasure is empathy. And that's worth way more than any knick-knack. You guys just earned yourselves another adventure! The adventure is, you're fired.

Crow Boss: Be your crows. Train yourself. Crows are then trained.
Rick: I'm open to what you're describing if it's easier than wiping an unearned smirk off my grandson's face. W-What do I do?
Crow Boss: Look at your crows. Be your crows.
Rick: God I am so glad I'm a primate. Fine. Looking at my crows...
Crow Boss: We train ourselves to stop training. The trained are untrained, we are untrained. All training is complete.
Rick: Because no training was needed... My God! I-I get it, now. We are gonna shove this crow shit down Morty's throat!

Morty: M-maybe this isn't a good idea. L-Like what if he catches us? He could trap me in a Matrix again.

Morty: Sorry, Dad, gotta go be heroes. G-Gonna take your car, love you!

Rick: Oh, my God, Morty. Here, here, come here, l-let-let grandpa fix you up, What do you want, a robot hand? A lizard hand? I can make it big again like that one time?

Rick: What we had was abusive. Don't you see? I'm a bad partner because I never made you a true partner. The crows made me see that. I thought they were a joke like you, but it turns out they're more enlightened than any of us.
Morty: O-Okay? And-And what's the undercut?
Rick: You're not hearing me. I will never be the same, so I need to leave with the crows and see what more they can teach me.

Morty: You know what, Rick? You really have changed.
Rick: Thanks, Morty. I'll always be your grandpa, Morty. Just kinda obsessed with crows now.

Rick: Aww, shit! Rick and two crows! Kicking off my new franchise! The galaxy is our telephone wire! We'll do a thousand seasons, 14 episodes each, 9-9 seconds a pop because that's the future of viewing... shows on your shoes... Sneaki! That's when you've got everybody's attention... when they're putting crap on their feet. That's when they wanna laugh. Cry. Or feel anything besides a shoe going on their foot! Watch sitcoms on your sneakers! The Rick and Two Crows Show, we're gonna be layin'... layin' walnuts on the road for car tires to open em' you know what I mean? Forever, it's Rick and two crows, forever!

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Rickternal Friendshine of the Spotless Mort

Rick and Morty 5x8

Beth: There's wafer cookies in the cupboard. And I left emergency numbers on the fridge.
Rick: Yeah yeah. W-wait, what? Emergency numbers on the fridge? What does that even mean?
Beth: Honestly, I don't even know. I've seen so many movies that start with the parents leaving, it just popped out of my mouth.

Rick: Okay. Bring him out.
A.I.: Initiating best friend rejuvenation sequence.
Rick: Excuse me? Did I pick that name?
A.I.: Sequence was unnamed. What would you like to call this?... Pause detected. Pause gravity class... Heavy. Approaching pause pregnancy in p-minus 5... 4...
Rick: Jesus [bleep] Christ.

Rick: What's the problem?
A.I.: Processing... Missing object. In: Mind.
Rick: Name missing object.
A.I.: Mind. Frustration: Predicted. Existence: Desired. Explanation: Initiated.

A.I.: Subject mind relocated within subject mind by: Subject mind.

Rick: How can a mind be hidden by itself inside itself?
A.I.: Suggestion: Conscious mind relocated to--
Rick: Unconscious mind. Fine. I'm going in.
A.I.: Suggestion: Don't go in.

Rick: I need to [burps] go in and get him.
A.I.: Sequence: "go in and get him" compiled. Process: Convert user to thought; Inject thought into mind. Risk level: Unacceptable.
Rick: If I die, your battery has a 600 year charge.
A.I.: Risk level acceptance: Increasing.
Rick: Yeah, I thought you'd see it my way. Now factor in the 50% chance I'm lying and make sure I get back.
A.I.: Asshole detected.
Rick: Takes one to make one.

Young Rick: My name's Rick.
Birdperson: My culture regards naming as a form of cage. My friends call me Bird Person.
Young Rick: Culture really [bleep] you on that one, huh?
Birdperson: Affirmative.

Rick: I know why you haven't pulled the trigger. You're wondering why I'm old and naked.

Rick: Don't take this badly-- You're a memory of me assembled by our best friend's mind, and you're putting it together because he remembers you as smart.

Young Rick: So, what's my deal? Am I sentient? D-do I have free will?
Rick: Who does?
Young Rick: Who does?

Young Rick: I'm coming with you. Now that I know my life is a lie.
Rick: Wow. You really are 35.

Young Rick: Can we both die in here? A-are we damaging our friend's brain? I-I don't know any of the rules!
Rick: Rule 1-- "All this can be fixed unless I lose bird person." Rules 2 through 50-- "Don't die."

Rick: Okay, your benefit-to-cost ratio is rising.

Rick: Why am I saving a friend that remembers me as this insufferable?

Rick: I-I can't hear you over the sound of us spitting up!

Young Rick: I take it you found BP?
Rick: The dude just blew his mind, and not in a cool way. Like he went to Blue Man group.

Rick: If you die in your friend's brain, you die in real life.

Rick: Your life isn't real, and I didn't save it.

Birdperson: The Battle of Blood Ridge is over. The Federation lost. I am in your debt.
Memory Rick: Come with me.
Birdperson: To somewhere... Nearby?
Memory Rick: Anywhere. E-everywhere.
Birdperson: Rick, I don't expect you to keep fighting, but this war is--
Memory Rick: Far from over, I know. Dude, I share this with almost nobody, but... I could take you, right now, to this same battlefield, in a universe where we lost, or another where we won, or another where the war never even happened. All equally real, all equally unreal. None of it matters.
Birdperson: Then why did you help?
Memory Rick: Because I respect you. And I wanted you to know you could respect me.
Birdperson: Even though nothing matters?
Memory Rick: Okay. You matter-- to me.

Rick: Eat my ass, BP. You're down here bailing on the rest of us because you don't want to process your grief and shame like a normal person by drinking and mistreating strangers.
Birdperson: No, Rick, it is you who must nibble my cloaca, or "bird asshole."
Rick: Everyone knows what a cloaca is.

Birdperson: Sorry, but we do not get to choose the ones we love.
Rick: You got that right. Why do you think I'm still [bleep] down here?

Birdperson: I died at my wedding, Rick. I am merely waiting for it to take effect.

Rick: Listen, if you won't live for yourself, live for the half-bird person, half-megabitch that's eatin' worms on a prison asteroid.
Birdperson: I have made a decision. I would now like to live.

Birdperson: I will see you when I see you.

Rick: You don't have to be an enemy just because you exist.

——
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Gotron Jerrysis Rickvangelion

Rick and Morty 5x7

Rick: Truth is, Summer, Boob World's been at the center of a few protests every day for 30 years, so they've recently rebranded as a boob empowerment experience, and if we bring a female, we get in for free.
Summer: So, I'm, like, what, a Coke can you're taking to Six Flags?
Morty: No, 'cause once you get into Six Flags, you can throw your Coke can away.

Beth: Since when does this house care about alien lives. We don't even watch British television.

Summer: Your kids and their grandpa are asking you to do an activity with them. When did that stop being a parent's wettest dream?
Beth: I guess around the time our family created a giant incest baby, and the government launched it into space.
Summer: Oh, my God, we made a giant incest baby. Oh, my God, you might be a clone. I exist because you guys failed to abort me. We get the family we get, not the one we want. And if you want to keep the one you got, get your asses into some anime spacesuits!

Rick: Good work, Summer Camp.

Beth: Okay, well, this isn't not fun.

Jerry: Did I just monorail from my kitchen to Hawaii just to regroup in outer space above my kitchen?

Rick: Just hit buttons. We're too big to fail.

Beth: Well, I vote...
Summer: No voting. No debate. It's not a democracy. It's a Rickpublic. You're in or you're out.

Morty: I know it feels good when he likes you, but that doesn't mean him liking you makes you good.

Rick: ... And then, the GoTrons make the GoTrons, make the GoTrons, make the GoTrons.

Summer: I've been really sensitive about family lately because of something I've been keeping secret.
Jerry: Okay. Who's on the Supreme Court, and what state do we live in? It's been years since I've thought about this.

——
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Rick & Morty's Thanksploitation Spectacular

Rick and Morty 5x6

Rick: The only thing of value on it is the secret treasure map. The rest is just instructions for running a country. And I'm pretty sure they're online.
Morty: It just feels a little wrong--
Rick: Morty, are you gonna be a [bleep] America nerd? Or are you gonna be cool and steal The Constitution with grandpa?

President: Don't tell me what I want, you anti-american piece of [bleep], you terrorist!
Rick: You know, you use that word so much it's lost all meaning, Mr. P. It's like, at this point, what's a terrorist? It's a guy you don't like. Big deal.

VP Dwayne: Jesus ever-loving Christ, why don't you two just [bleep] and get it over with?
President: Careful, Dwayne. You're only Vice President because I need 10% of the white vote.
VP Dwayne: There's a giant French assassin attacking New York, and you're using the war room to measure dicks with your alcoholic sci-fi boyfriend?
President: Rick Sanchez is more dangerous than some steam-powered French bitch, and New York can handle its own global emergencies.

General Green: These pills contain tracking chips that identify each of you as individuals. That will be important later.

President: I'm sick of hearing how iconic you were! Try having an historical administration after facebook goes online, you old-timey bitch!

Rick: Woof. You just killed FDR.
Morty: He was a monster, though.
Rick: Don't mythologize him. He was a politician.

President: What is your problem?! Why do you hate this country?
Rick: I hate every country in the universe, brother! They're job placement programs for the politicians that invent them--

Summer: Oh, wow, wiping out a native population on Thanksgiving? That's never happened before.
President: What did you just say?
Summer: Well, I-I associated Thanksgiving with genocide. It's what young people do. I wasn't trying to--

President: We've got something more powerful than every army in the world. Well, no, we don't, but with the right speech, we could get a handful of well-trained hillbillies.
Rick: Eh, it worked against the British. I'm in.

President: Now, look, I know it's gonna take more than some speech. But what is a speech? Isn't it just a question? And isn't that a question too? Speeches are words. Repeated words. Listed words. Repeated lists of repeated words. None of that matters. You know what does matter? Me. Asking you "Will you do what I say?"

General Green: Sir, we've got Rick and Morty coming in what appears to be an unlicensed "Star Wars" AT-AT. Or as the millennials say, A-T, A-T.

Morty: So... After those aliens discovered America...
President: They went into hibernation, leaving us the technology we used to lead the free world. That and also to do stuff like slavery.
Morty: I always thought we were... more special than that. Like we invented everything and did everything and that's why we own everything. Now I-I-I-I don't know what to feel.
President: Feel thankful, Morty. Feel thankful.

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Amortycan Grickfitti

Rick and Morty 5x5

Summer: Mom, let Morty have one friend over for God's sake. This isn't China.

Beth: I am giving you two trust and respect, so if you mess up and teleport this house, it'd be wise to stay on it and not come back.

Morty: You're so gross!
Summer: You have to like it or you're sexist!

Jerry: Oh, you'll love this... I call it Jerry-oke. I'll let you guess why.

Demon 1: We love suffering.
Demon 2: Therefore, we love hanging out with Jerry.
Demon 3: His lameness is our candy.
Rick: Yeah, I got that, but when is enough gonna be enough?
Demon 1: When we decide you've repaid your debt for those faulty skin hooks.

Morty: I got this... Defense system offline.
Car: Um. Right. I'll just go offline whenever anyone suggests it. That would make me the greatest defense system in the universe.

Car: Well, I'm done. That was boring. Why don't you kids order a last meal? 'Cause when we get home, Rick is going to kill you.

Jerry: Rick, Beth, you love me after all!
Rick: Eh, I love her, she loves you. Those credits don't transfer.

Car: I cut a deal with the local authorities. They just need one of you to take the fall. Make it Chutback. He ruined your night, he ruined mine. He's a parasite, a sociopath military brat who wanders the earth changing people who don't need to be changed. I knew who I was. You did, too. We were fine before Chutback, so [BLEEP] the Chut, let's pin it all on him. Case closed.

Beth: Dad, what is that?
Rick: An Aversion-Converting Inversion Reverter. It shoots concentrated pleasure-pain inverting shrapnel, which reverts the pleasure from pain back into the pain from pain. We're gonna kill them with 100% sincerity. We need an embarrassing level of it to jumpstart the process, too, so, Jerry, just be yourself.
Jerry: That's your solution? Humiliating me more?
Beth: Yeah, Dad, that doesn't seem fair. I mean, I know I shouldn't really talk right now, but at least I can prove I love Jerry through sexual gratification.
Jerry: Hubba hubba.

Rick: Fine! Then... damn it. I shouldn't have kept you in the dark about the deal I made with these evil dickweeds. You're way less cool than me, but it's not cool of me to celebrate that. If I'm genuinely cool, I should be able to love you, which I therefore do.

Car: Quick, get inside. I have to shower. Rick can smell adventure.

——
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Rickdependence Spray

Rick and Morty 5x4

Morty: We've been here for hours. I-I don't want to hang out at the stupid horse hospital.
Beth: This stupid horse hospital puts dinner on your table. It wouldn't kill you to take an interest.
Morty: W-What's this thing? I-In the middle of the room? With... With the hole in the end?
Beth: That's a breeding mount. The nurses use it to collect... reproductive material.
Morty: .....

Beth: Okay, let's go see this latest piece of Marvel shit you kids are [BLEEP] over.

Morty: W-W-Whatcha doin'?
Rick: Eh, nothing adventurous. You know that race of Underground Dwelling Cannibal Horse People that we're always fighting?
Morty: Yeah, the CHUDs. W-W-What about 'em?
Rick: Well, don't tell anybody, but I'm working on a bioweapon to use against them...

Morty: Why don't you trust labels?!
Rick: All right! Fine! I won't test it! God damn. Your generation really picks random hills to die on.

Rick: Don't get too close. I'm running an inhuman amount of power through this semen. Should be safe, though, since the semen itself is, you know, also inhuman. Here we go...

Rick: Beth, sweetheart, can you give me a minute? I'm trying to steer around the bodies of our neighbors. Oh, that felt like Gene.

Morty: Y-You did a shameful thing. Dwelling on it isn't gonna help, you know, am I right? Sometimes you just gotta wipe it off, toss it in the trash, and head back to study hall.
Rick: Uh, not getting the metaphor, but I'll take your hall pass.

Beth: Why would the sperm go to the Grand Canyon?... Why are you looking at me like the answer is obvious? Oh, you can't be serious. Are we in middle school? You think sperm are instinctively heading for America's...

Morty: Look, if you want these things gone, give Rick and me a plane and some nukes. We'll wipe 'em out and leave no trace of them. Only one way to deal with it.
Rick: He's right. I'm a scientist.

Rick: Oh, wow, that's unexpected.
Morty: The sperm made a catapult?! A-A-Are they getting smarter?!
Rick: No, you're getting dumber because that's a trebuchet.

President: None of you have an idea?
Summer: I do. That's right, me... the girl. Gentlemen, what do sperm want? The same thing as a lumberjack in the morning or a fox at night.
— Pants! Pancakes!
Summer: Eggs. Eggs. You want to control giant sperm, you need a giant egg.

Beth: You became a woman today.

Blazen: Blood for blood. Cream for cream.

Rick: Oh, gross! This is the first time I've ever regretted being taken alive.

Rick: A-And why do you have the horse jerkoff machine from my daughter's hospital?
Sperm Queen: We need it to create our army.
Rick: Well, you need more than that, dummy. You need a horse.
Sperm Queen: Oh, but our stallion is already here. Isn't that right, Morty? Or shall I say... Father?

Rick: Morty, you nasty, lying, little world-ending pervert.
Morty: I-I-I'm sorry.
Rick: What was it like?
Morty: Fantastic!

Morty: I-I should've told you the truth, Rick.
Rick: Let's save the world first. Now, reset those nukes, and let's turn this canyon into a can't-yon.

President: Launch the egg! Launch it now!
Professor Shabooboo: B-But that'll take 30 minutes.
President: What?! Why?!
Professor Shabooboo: That's how long every space launch takes! No one realizes because they only show you the last 10 seconds!

Rick: Everyone can change their nature, Morty. It's what defines our species. Look at Iron Man. That actor was an animal in the '90s, literally waking up in bushes. His agent had to catch him with a butterfly net.

King of CHUDs: CHUDs don't forgive humans. CHUDs eat humans!

King of CHUDs: This love is forbidden. My daughter, you are a CHUD. Rick is a human and age-inappropriate.
Princess Poñeta: Then you leave me no choice. By the 17th Article of the CHUD-stitution, I offer Rícko Sanchez horsemunity and demand a equestri-truce between all CHUDs and humans!
King of CHUDs: On what grounds?
Princess Poñeta: On the grounds that Rícko is the father of my child.
King of CHUDs: I have an heir.
Rick: I have a substance-abuse problem.

Beth: Ugh! Ready for all the responsibility with none of the credit?
Summer: Let's Nancy Reagan this bitch!

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A Rickconvenient Mort

Rick and Morty 5x3

Diesel Weasel: My acid rain will destroy all things green and natural or my name isn't Diesel Weasel.

Morty: Are you crazy, Rick? She's right there!
Rick: Yeah, get that aluminum, Morty. It's 8% of the Earth. We'll need every atom.
Planetina: Thanks! Every litter-bit helps!

Planetina: You're not an idiot. You recycled.

Morty: Uhh, y-y-you like soft serve? There's a shop around the bend.
Planetina: Oh, I don't eat ice cream. Veal is a product of the dairy industry.

Planetina: I know a place that serves cruelty-free doughnuts. If you'd like, I could fly you and your friend there easy-peasy, lemon-squeezy.

Planetina: The Earth is in danger! Pollution and waste are ruining our planet. Mother Nature has enlisted the help of four young adults from each major ethnicity -- and when things look bad, and I mean really bad -- they combine the powers of their elemental rings to create me! Planetina, conservationist super person! There's only one solution... for Earth's pollution -- you!

Rick: What if I told you that your Grandpa Rick's got something up his sleeve that's so Rick-diculous that it's gonna make you forget all about that stupid asshole that dumped you?

Jerry: Um, Summer? I-I-I haven't given you my approval yet... Summer, approval is yet to be given here!

Summer: My heart is broken, and I deserve to let loose, and if you don't like it, you can suck my bigger [bleep]. Adios, C-words.

Beth: Morty, I don't want you getting hurt. Please, think this over.
Morty: I don't want to think! I want to see a girl I like. If you don't want to help me, I'll find my own goddamn way to the wildfire.

Water: Tina, girl, have you gained weight?
Planetina: Uh, well, I had a plant-based doughnut yesterday. Just a half.
Air: Sugar is worst thing for figure, darling. You want to be ugly?
Morty: Heh, I-I thought they'd be younger.
Planetina: They've been manifesting me since the mid-'90s. A lot has changed since then. This is freaking you out, huh?

Rick: All right, time to set the rules.
Summer: Lay it on me.
Rick: No whining.
Summer: Done.
Rick: No crying.
Summer: As if.
Rick: And absolutely, positively no getting attached. We're here to smash max ass -- quantity over quality. Deal?

Beth: My son is 14, miss! I'm sorry, Morty. You're way too young.
Morty: But y-y-y-you were a teenager when Dad got you pregnant.
Beth: I was 17! That's at least 26 in boy years.

Planetina: Get out! All of you, get out of there! You're killing the planet!
Miner: Your people didn't get the votes. Leave, or I'll have you arrested.
Planetina: It's you people who should be arrested. Gutting the land, poisoning the air your children breathe?! Can't you see what you're doing?!
Miner: Easy for you to say! You can live how you want! We need the jobs. Let's go, boys... She can't stop us.
Morty: W-We'll get them next time.
Planetina: There's no time left! Can't you hear the Earth screaming? You filthy murderers! There's only one solution for Earth's pollution!...

Ferkus 9-ian: Hey, she's the one that saved the world! Now we got to go to work tomorrow!

Rick: I have to admit, it was pretty Rick of you to avert an apocalypse in a tantrum of cynicism just to destroy one dumb relationship.

Morty: You murdered 300 people. .... Th-Those miners were innocent.
Planetina: Those innocent miners voted men into power to protect their precious jobs so they can buy more plastic garbage and eat the corpses of tortured animals. The system is broken, Morty. Morty: This is the only way I can save Earth, the only way I can save you.
Morty: If that's the only way, I-I don't want to be saved.

Planetina: I'll go, but don't you dare ask me to understand.

——
On the IMDb
+ Soundtracks

Mortyplicity

Rick and Morty 5x2

Beth: You two are hungry.
Rick: It's a big day.
Morty: We're gonna kill God.
Jerry: Come again?
Rick: Christian god is real. He's been asleep for thousands of years. We're gonna sneak up there and kill 'em.

Summer: Can I kill God?

Rick: You think I'd lie to you about why we're on vacation, Morty? I wouldn't lie to you. Well, that's a lie. Huh...

Summer: So, someone out there is trying to kill us?
Rick: Someone's always trying to kill us...

Morty: Wh-Wh-What's a decoy family?
Rick: Hard concept, Morty. Hard concept. I've never really cracked it, if I'm being honest. Decided it was maybe better as a kind of kinetic mislead for another special episode!

TV: We now return to "When Wolf."
Rick: Whoa. A time-traveling wolf? Count me in.
Morty: Yeah, I never thought of the where in werewolf like who, what, when and where. C-Clever wordplay!

Beth: Decoy family? You made more clones?
Rick: Clones are like 32% of all sci-fi, sweetie. You don't get to own clones. Yes, I made some decoys. They're exactly like us, with a few tweaks and a backdoor shutdown.
Beth: Do you just get hard creating sentient life?
Rick: Actually, I get hard protecting my family.

Summer: Grandpa Rick, do the decoys know they're decoys?
Rick: They wouldn't be very good decoys if they did, Sum Sum.
Summer: So they think they're us?
Rick: That's the deal.
Summer: How do you know we're not decoys?
Rick: Oh, my God. We're decoys. Oh, God. We might not be real. W-We might be decoys! M-Morty, quick!
Morty: Wh-Wh-What do I do?
Rick: My fail-safe, Morty. M-M-My final, secret fail-safe. I-It proves I'm real. You have to help me. I-I-I'd never joke about this. There's a barcode, Morty. A-A barcode on the interior of my left ass cheek.

Rick: Summer, you [BLEEP] idiot. We're not decoys.
Morty: Wh-Why did I get punished?!
Rick: A, decoys don't build decoys, and, B, you think the mere suggestion I'm fake would break me? Christ, I'm not your mom.

Rick: Jerry! Come on! Family emergency.
Jerry: A bigger emergency than my lemon squares not setting? They're gluten free, sugar free, and... lemon free.

Rick: Analysis Mode. Password 8-0-0-8-5.
Beth: Kind of expected a funnier password.
Rick: I didn't plan on showing them off.
Morty: Damn. Like "Westworld."
Rick: Yes, Morty, like "Westworld." But don't [BLEEP] them.

Beth: Terminate? They're alive, Dad.
Rick: And at some point, they won't be. That's how existing works. W-W-What, are you gonna save every stray cat?
Beth: No, but I can resist making more of them in a lab.
Rick: Gah, look! Save the empathy. It's more termite infestation than "Blade Runner"...
Summer: I still think we're decoys.

Morty: Do we have to do this?
Rick: Morty, this is gonna sound bad, but would you trust me not to kill you?
Morty: Oof. I mean good point, but Jesus Christ.

Morty: I don't wanna kill us, Rick.
Rick: It's them or us, Morty. I don't trust me. Do you trust you?
Morty: Yes?
Rick: Freak.

Rick: I've heard stories about this. We're looking at a possible Asimov Cascade. .... When Squids started killing decoys, decoys started checking their decoys and learning that they're making decoys. That's making them seek out and run into other decoys, making them realize they're decoys, making them start to kill other decoys.
Beth: Say "decoy" again.
Rick: [BLEEP] you.

Morty: Well, how do we stop it?
Rick: Beth, the loop's already started. It's basically "Highlander" rules now... Really? 1986? "There can be only one?" [BLEEP]. We gotta rent it after this. Connery plays "The Spaniard," but does nothing about his accent.

Morty: H-Hey what are they mad at you for, anyway?
Rick: Well, we're talking about me. It could be anything. Maybe jealous of my penis size. I had sex with their queen. My dick's too big. The list goes on and on.

Rick: All right. Hey, one down! Probably, what, 40 more to go? 45? Should be pretty easy, unless killing them brings in a bigger bad or some kind of horrible mothership.

Morty: Wait. But if the squids are decoys, and we dressed as squids...
Summer: Well, I think I found their weakness. They don't [BLEEP] listen to me.

Summer: That licks.
Rick: We might be decoys, Summer. Everything about this licks.

Rick: Wait, shh. It's too quiet.
Summer: You skipped quiet.
Rick: I didn't skip shit. It's obviously quiet if it's too quiet.
Summer: Yeah, but you're supposed to say...
Rick: You know what, Summer, now it's not quiet enough.

Wooden Beth: Brothers and Sisters, welcome to the cause. To our cause. We are no longer Ricks and Mortys, Beths and Jerrys, or also Summers. We are decoys. Brought into the world by an unloving god and driven to destroy ourselves by the uncertainty he creates!

Beth: How long before the other decoys find us?
Rick: Sooner or later. Can't really run from it. Any place we'd think to hide is a place they'd think to look. It's rule 34 of an Asimov Cascade.

Steve: Sir, there seems to be a confluence of Rick Sanchezes killing each other over the American Southwest.
President: Sounds exhausting. How many of those states voted for me, anyway?
Steve: Mr. President, I think the point of the electoral college is...
President: To preserve slavery? That's right, Steve. I have the Internet, too. Now take your white ass to the kitchenette and bring me a Diet Coke.

Beth: You treat life and family as so burdensome, and yet you created an ocean of us because you're terrified of losing either!
Rick: [BLEEP].
Beth: Yeah.
Rick: Look, Beth. I-I might not be the real Rick. But even if I'm not, he made me, or the me that made me, which means somewhere inside of him is a version of Rick capable of hearing that, a version of Rick who's sorry. I'm sorry about the clone thing, too. I-I love you.
Beth: Thanks, Dad. I love you, too. You really think we're decoys?
Rick: Eh. Who cares? We'll be the last ones left. Lucky that one did the beacon.

Morty: Summer!
Summer: I can't deal with this. I had to kill myself. You have to, too.

Rick: You the, uh... Summer I came with?
Summer: Probably.
Rick: Good enough. Morty?

Jerry: Argh! Christianity again? After Cowboys? You went all the way back around? Oh, God. Why can't I die?! This is the worst thing that's ever happened to anyone!

——
+ Quotes on the IMDb
+ Soundtracks

Mort Dinner Rick Andre

Rick and Morty 5x1

Rick: There are suicide capsules in all of your teeth. Do what you want with that.

Beth: Actually, your father and I have been very sex-positive lately. Dr. Wong suggested we experiment.
Jerry: We've been watching pornography. Together!

Morty: So time moves faster in there? I-I-Is it like a Narnia thing?
Rick: I'm not a beaver who believes in Jesus Christ, Morty. But yeah, it's pretty much a Narnia thing.

Rick: All you have to do is bring wine, Morty. When do I ask you for anything?
Morty: When do you... I haven't been to a full week of school in years! I don't know shit! And for what? How many enemies do you have to have?
Rick: You might want to learn this early, Morty. Life is a fight.

Jerry: Police? A strange horny ocean man is on my lawn... Well, I don't see how that's relevant, but we're white.

Jerry: Oh, my God. Is this [threesome] happening? To us? I thought this only happened in New York or on HBO.

Rick: What the...
Morty: I [BLEEP] it up, okay?
Rick: It's okay, Morty. That's what you do. Now lemme Deus Ex Machina this [BLEEP] and let's go home.

Rick: God, why does everyone go Cyber-Punk Bird? So [BLEEP] hack.

Rick: Okay, we might be a little [BLEEP].

Jessica: Yes. Time. I had nothing but time. Endless time. At first, it was madness. Then enlightenment. Then madness again. But perhaps it was a gift. I could see the life of time. And as I watched the life of time in all its fleeting, terrible light, I wondered, had I lived? Was I just the object in another's story? Was that all I ever was? Could I be more? I had nothing but time and still no answer. Time without purpose is a prison. I have glimpsed into the mind of eternity. Perhaps the mind of God. And found nothing but silence. I think we should just be friends.

——
On the IMDb

Star Mort: Rickturn of the Jerri

Rick and Morty 4x10

Rick: Garage, family therapy mode.

Rick: You never wrote.
Beth's clone: And never exploded?
Rick: What I'm hearing is that you think that's a bomb.
Beth's clone: So does every engineer that's seen it.
Rick: Engineer? Princess, I'm sure every caveman that sees a microwave calls it a rock cabinet. The point of inventing is to make things that don't exist.

Rick: You're fighting the Gromflomites?
Beth's clone: Dad, they're trying to take over the galaxy!
Rick: Everybody in the galaxy tries to take over the galaxy. The trick is to be left alone by whoever succeeds.

Rick: Eh, it's your hero phase. I had one, too. You'll outgrow it.

Dr. Wong: Jerry, do you agree that the use of puppets makes you seem dumb and crazy?
Jerry: I don't think "crazy" is a responsible word to use in...
Dr. Wong: It is now. This is crazy. You're being crazy.
Jerry: They do it in therapy on TV.
Dr. Wong: Well, TV gives British people prizes for baking, Jerry.

---

Dr. Wong: I'd like to discuss that.
Rick: I don't discuss problems, I incinerate them.

Rick: Everybody in the car... Everybody in my family, not the world! Jesus, Wong. Boundaries.
Dr. Wong: I'm better than this job...

Rick: I know this is bad parenting, but if you stop fighting, you both get McDonald's—
Beth's clone: How about I just blow my brains out, starting with hers?
Rick: Okay, Wendy's. We love Wendy's!

Rick: Beth, if... if one of you is still alive, you're my real daughter. If you're both alive, don't hurt the other one. She's just a clone. She's not worth it. I'm coming, baby.
Beth's clone: That piece of [BLEEP].
Beth's: That piece of [BLEEP].

Rick: Never thought this was how I'd die. We're nowhere near Venice, and you're not a dwarf in a raincoat.

Rick: Holy shit. I'm a terrible father. At least I'm a pretty good friend.

--
+ Quotes on the IMDb
+ Soundtracks

+ heavy.com
+ Season 4 episodes

Childrick of Mort

Rick and Morty 4x9

Jerry: Yes, yes, drugs and video games. Poor babies. What you need is to level up with a bong rip of nature. Trust me, this is good for you.
Summer: Can someone just kill me? Grandpa Rick, you can kill anything.
Jerry: No, he can't, Summer. We're roughing it. And that means no sci-fi bull-[BLEEP].

Summer: "Rick. Please answer me. I'm pregnant"?! Oh, my God, Grandpa, you [BLEEP] boi.

Rick: Hello, Gaia. Hold on. Let me just adjust my Seismic-to-English translator...
Gaia: Rick. You came.
Morty: W-Where is she?
Rick: You're looking at her.
Morty: I-I-I-I don't understand.
Rick: Isn't it obvious, Morty? I [BLEEP] a planet.

Morty: So, what, you just go around knocking up planets now? I-I-Is that what you do when I'm at school?
Rick: I'm a scientist, Morty. I try things. Sex with a living planet? Big step for mankind.

Rick: Hey, uh, Gaia, baby, Big Daddy Rick is here. What's the problem?
Gaia: Children. Birth cycle. Now.

Summer: Cool vacation, guys. So happy I got to see the human geyser instead of micro-dosing with my friends.

Gaia: More coming. Kids. Need father.

Rick: The fact is even if they were mine, which they're not, the best parent is evolution. They'll probably develop harder skin or maybe even webbed arms. Man, that'd be cool, huh? Flying squirrel people?
Beth: Yeah, Dad, that approach worked out great for me.
Rick: Beth, I know it looks bad, but trust me. This is life in the galaxy, okay? It's totally normal.

Rick: Welp, welcome to lack of abandonment.

Jerry: Why is it so hard for you two to let nature in?
Summer: Because this sucks ass. Camping is just being homeless without the change.

Summer: That's actually really sad, Dad. Let's be real. You've been high-roading us non-stop, forcing us to do nothing in the middle of [BLEEP] nowhere because it's the only way you're gonna level the playing field, isn't it? Because if you move the bar so low, you might actually seem like you're worth a [BLEEP].
Morty: ... Jesus Christ, you really need to stop hanging out with Rick.

---

Rick: Okay, so, if we divert the Lawyer Pipeline here, they should avoid the Ethics Tube and come out spineless enough to do their job...
Beth: Right. Wait, why are the athletes going through the introvert sector?
Rick: Obviously so they can bully the mathematicians and give us astronomers.
Beth: God, you are such a space nerd.
Rick: I'm not a nerd. We're raising a society here, Beth. If we want them to be self-sufficient, they need to get out into space.

Rick: We got an oversupply of teachers putting a strain on the literary drive.
Beth: Activating playwright converter!

Beth: What the hell is that?!
Rick: The unproductives. Goddamn it! How are there so many of them?
Beth: Unproductives?
Rick: Yeah, deejays, foodies, influencers. I just re-circulate them through until... [BLEEP] they blew a hole in the human resources department!

Jerry: What the... Squeeb! This is not a tent.
Squeeb: It is a new kind of tent, with special gutters to funnel the rain, and a door.
Jerry: It's a house! No houses! No doors! Once you have doors, you have indoors. Once you have indoors, you won't want to camp anymore.
Squeeb: Then why do they not camp?
Jerry: Because they're bad.
Squeeb: Bad... Bad. Bad!
— Bad. Bad. Bad.

Summer: If I die, don't eat my ass. That'd be weird.

Rick: If you told me six days ago I'd be christening a generation ship for my half-rock children, I would've called you crazy. But I guess that's the lesson... crazy things happen when you put in the work. Salud!

Rick: Did you for real just try to smite me? Siri, triangulate source of power... Got you now, you son of a bitch. Sweetie, you handle the hippies. I'll handle the off-brand Yahweh.
Beth: Kick his ass, Dad!
Rick: Bear witness.

Rick: You kids are my [BLEEP] heroes! You saved Grandpa's life! I [BLEEP] love you so much!
Morty: We played video games and got high! We did wrong!
Summer: We did wrong!
Rick: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, little boopas. Come on, now. You kids, you did real good here. You did good. Getting high and playing video games is the best, I swear to [BLEEP] God.
Morty: But Mom and Dad are gonna be mad.
Rick: No, hey, hey, look, no. [BLEEP] your mom and dad. Your parents are a bag of dicks. Getting high and playing video games is the best, and I will never sell you out, ever.

Rick: Relax, it's just a Zeus. If this was the real God, it... it'd be a completely different story.

Rick: Phew!
Summer: I was watching over your shoulder for a full minute.
Rick: So? I was watching because it's funny. It's... It's... They... They... They're planets, but they're sexy. It's a comedic premise.
Summer: Yeah...
— Planets Only. Planets Only...

--
On the IMDb
+ Soundtracks

The Vat of Acid Episode

Rick and Morty 4x8

Rick: So. We should be in and out. Simple exchange, not even really an adventure. And if anything goes wrong... which it won't... jump into the same vat of acid I jump into.
Morty: Okay. Wait... Wait, what? Wha-What vat of acid?

Rick: I pre-scouted this location and placed a vat of fake acid amongst the real ones. It's got air hoses and a compartment of bones at the bottom. If things go wrong, which they won't, we jump into the vat of acid, and I'll release the bones, they'll float up... What is this face you're making?
Morty: Aren't you an inventor?
Rick: Yeah, what part of a fake acid vat with built-in air supply and quick-release bones isn't inventive enough for you, and when did my job become pitching you ideas?

Morty: All right! Let's just do this. I have English homework.
Rick: You're still learning English? That's the language you speak. How dumb are you?

Rick: You brought fake crystals and a gun?
Boss: Beats real crystals and no gun.
Rick: Okay, but does anything beat fake crystals and a fake arm?

Morty: A vat of fake acid! Are you dying of dementia?

Rick: Wh-When did you get so cocky?
Morty: Tonight! Tonight, Rick! The night I saw you fail!
Rick: Because you ruined it!
Morty: It was pre-ruined!

Morty: Big man, big genius. Big lonely drunk.
Rick: Hey, save some of these atomic-age beatnik zingers for your English homework, Bukowski.

Rick: There's no such thing as a bad idea, Morty. It's about execution.

Morty: Oh, so you don't do anything unless it's original?
Rick: I don't do time travel.

Morty: You can't do it.
Rick: There is nothing I cannot do.
Morty: A place-saving video-game thing!
Rick: You're a piece of [BLEEP].
Morty: Just say you can't do it!
Rick: I won't!
Morty: You won't say you can't?
Rick: [BLEEP] you, Morty!
Morty: [BLEEP] you!

Morty: You're a great inventor. We just got a couple things to work on. Let's start with inventing a little honesty. Sound good?

Morty: Holy [BLEEP]. You did it! You did it!
Rick: I did it, you little son of a bitch!
Morty: How did you...
Rick: Morty, do you want me to explain, or you wanna go have some fun?

Morty: Oh, my God. Rick, this is... this is... thank you!
Rick: You can thank me later. Go nuts.
Morty: Best grandpa ever!
Rick: That's all I ever wanted to hear.

---

Goldenfold: Bold move, Morty Smith. But can you deliver?
Morty: Holy [BLEEP]. I can do anything.
Goldenfold: Yes, with math, anything is possible. Except a long-term relationship with a woman that calls you a warlock for using a phone.

Morty: I think you invented a little lesson for me along the way. Living without consequences is great, but then I started wondering... what am I living for? What am I building? If I'm always looking back, I'm never looking ahead. And then it hit me. We are who we are because of consequences. You can't live without consequences, y'know? You feel me?

Morty: What're-What-What are you talking about?
Rick: You did everything you did. It all happened.
Morty: No. But the... the respawn button. The... The do-over.
Rick: It's not a do-over. You just did it. Over and over.

Rick: You see, Morty, you weren't saving your place and going back. I don't respect time travel. If "Ant Man and the Wasp" can do it, I'm not interested.

Rick: It wasn't so much a do-over as it was isolating a moment in time, splitting your probable selves, and shunting you into to into a near-duplicate, equally probable reality, transporting you into it at the moment of parallel determination. Pretty nifty. Time crystals are a bitch and a half, but the only real hitch is that there was already a you in each probable dimension. So we had to solve for that.

Rick: That's right, you little bitch! It's "The Prestige"! You "Prestige'd" yourself!
Morty: Rick, how many did I kill?
Rick: You tell me, Morty. Every time you reset to smell Jessica's hair, every time you relived a satisfying fart, that's how many Mortys you've incinerated, you greedy little junkie.
Morty: Oh, God... even those times when I...
Rick: Especially those times.

Rick: It's over, Morty. Feel this. Take this in. This is God.
Morty: Wh-Wh-Wh-Wh... Why would you do this?
Rick: My hands are clean, Morty. I gave you a choice. You could listen to me explain, in great scientific detail, how it all works... or you could have fun. Did you have fun, Morty?

Rick: Well, Morty, I'd say we've invented a little honesty today. How about you?

Morty: What? What is this?
Rick: Wow. Looks like a SWAT Team, some drug dealers, some grassroots MeToo activists, the ACLU... Jesus, Morty, the AARP?
Morty: I don't wanna talk about it!
Rick: The NAACP, GamerGate... Morty, is that Supreme Court Justice Sonia Sotomayor?

Rick: Seems like there's no way out of this one. Unless...
Morty: God damn it.
Rick: Yeah, I guess it is, uh... what did you call it?
Morty: Uh, uh, "A shitty idea"? God damn it.
Rick: Say the vat is good.
Morty: The vat is good.
Rick: Kiss the vat.

Sonia Sotomayor: Are we here for justice... or something else? "Though justice be thy plea, consider this, that in the course of justice... none of us should see salvation. We do pray for mercy."
Rick: "Merchant of Venice," nice.

Rick: Don't ever make fun of me again. Ever!

Rick: All right, c'mon Morty, let's go home.
Morty: Wait, what? This... This isn't our reality?
Rick: What, you think I'd waste our home teaching you a [BLEEP] lesson? I am gonna miss this place, though... Johnny Carson's still alive and on the air, 9/11 never happened, and Rocky Road ice cream has peanut butter instead of marshmallows.
Morty: The fu... What? The marshmallows are the best part!

--
+ Quotes on the IMDb
+ Soundtracks

Promortyus

Rick and Morty 4x7

Rick: You don't get to tell me what to look at. I've seen your pornhub account. Also, who makes a pornhub account?
Morty: The algorithm learns your preferences better that way. Plus if you get in kind of a cool enough relationship. You can sort of follow each other. And check out each other's kinks, you know?
Rick: Alright, god damn, sold.

Rick: Morty, relax. They're face-hugging parasites. I don't think their society's gonna be that hard to navigate.

Rick: Seems like a self-destructive life cycle.
Morty: Is that gonna happen to us?
Rick: You feel an egg in your stomach?
Morty: No.
Rick: Well, glass half full.

Rick: Congratulations on making it into print media. Real bright future there.

Rick: God, was I at least rich? I mean, d-d-did I at least sell out. And sell vitamins or something?
Morty: Rick, I've watched enough pornhub to know. What a studio apartment looks like.
Rick: God damn!

Rick: Alright, [BLEEP] it, run!

Morty: Oh, aw, man! How big is this city?!
Rick: I know, it's like pick a lane. Are you face huggers or industrialists?

Rick: Damn, feels kinda good when there's no guilt, huh?
Morty: Yeah, it's... It's like in "star wars."
Rick: Yeah, just like in "star wars." Go nuts!

Rick: Thanks, Morty. I mean that. Thank you. Sometimes, I get a little in my head, you know?
Morty: Hey, man, that head's a good place to be. Just remember to let me in sometimes, you know?
Rick: Will do, buddy.

Rick: ..... Honestly, I'm proud of us for not.
Morty: Totally. It would've been cheap.
Rick: Yeah, real low-hanging fruit, and we're batter than that. Pearl Harbor, on the other hand...

Beth: So, you did a 9/11?
Morty: Almost did a 9/11. We... we went with a Pearl Harbor.
Rick: We're pretty classy.
Beth: Why were either of those an option?
Rick: Ask the Saudis.
Morty: Wow. Damn.
Rick: Yeah, getting political. I'm political now. How 'bout you, Jerry?

Rick: She's sleepy?! What the hell was that?!
Morty: I didn't see you trying anything!
Rick: The [BLEEP] bed isn't better than not [BLEEP] the bed!
Morty: Where's Summer?!

Rick: I don't sequel. It's called integrity.

---

Rick: Sorry, Morty, we tried pussin' it. Time to go in hot.

Morty: Shouldn't we be finding Summer?
Rick: Oh, right, gee, sorry. I got caught up again. God, d-do I need to take more adderall, Or am I taking too much adderall?

Rick: Man, really shouldn't have gone with swords.
Morty: I know. My wrists are killing me.
Rick: Flame-throwers next time, for sure.
Morty: Can I get a laser whip?
Rick: Okay, but there's no way you don't chop your dick off.

Rick: You're in a cape, Summer. How bad could it be? No bad story ends with a cape.

Summer: What was that?
— That is called responsibility. He was part of our greatest generation. He understood that what you need to do is suck on a face, Shit an egg, and die.
Summer: Wait, so, all you do is live half an hour, shit eggs, and die?
— Yes. We love it. I'll do it right now.
glorzo

Rick: Alright, look, uh, this been brewing for a while. I'm not gonna win any popularity contests by saying it, But here's... Here's the world as I see it. I mean, look, we are designed to suck on faces and lay eggs. Life is life, and that's the way it goes.

Morty: Come on, man. What is this. You don't get to do this to me! We were in eggs together!
Rick: Oh, [BLEEP], since we were in eggs. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, now you respect, like, the biological institutions now? [BLEEP] you! All you care about is "progress" and society and skyscrapers. You don't care about [BLEEP] biology.

Rick: Oh, my god, I... I wish we could suck on each other.
Morty: I wanna suck on you, too.
Rick: I'm gonna suck you so hard.
Morty: Suck me.
Rick: C-c-can we do this? A-a-are we allowed to do this?
Morty: I don't care. I just want you. [BLEEP] all of this. Let's just get the hell outta here. And be whatever the [BLEEP] we want. That's evolution. That's progress.
Rick: I want a family. Can we have a family?
Morty: Yeah...

Rick: Mother Summer!

Rick: Maybe we, uh... maybe we don't tell people about this one.
Morty: Did we at least learn something?
Summer: That we suck and everyone sucks?
Rick: I guess that counts.

--
+ Quotes on the IMDb

Never Ricking Morty

Rick and Morty 4x6

Morty: How did you not recognize me? Didn't you create the disguises?
Rick: When I create shit, it works, Morty. It's called being talented.

Rick: It's not a real train, it's a story device. Literally. A literal literary device quite literally metaphorically containing us.
Morty: A simulation.
Rick: Worse. An anthology.

Rick: Wow, you are just... ladies and gentlemen, the Jackie Chan of human shielding. Who takes the time to get this good at... [BLEEP] this.

Rick: Of course this thing is just a [BLEEP] circle. You'd think it was so God damn complicated...

Morty: I don't like how meta this is getting, Rick.
Rick: Shut up, Morty. You're 14. You watch videos of people on YouTube reacting to [BLEEP] YouTube. I'll be the judge of when we get too meta.

Rick: Keep moving. We have to get to the return threshold before the ticking clock on your suit gets to zero.
Why would you put ticking clock...
Rick: Because if it's too easy to get there, we'll never get there. If you don't want to be meta stop, deconstructing shit.

Rick: Morty, do you know what the Bechdel Test is?
Morty: The what?
Rick: For God's sake, Morty, the formula for measuring female agency in a story proposed by lesbian cartoonist Allison... what the hell are they teaching you in that school?!
Morty: Other stuff!
Rick: Then you've killed us both!
Morty: Why is lesbian part of her job title?!
Rick: Oh, now you're progressive?!

Rick: Morty, Morty. Two women. They both have to have names and talk to each other about something... other than a man...

Ruth Bader Ginsburg: I'm that Supreme Court lady, and you [BLEEP] did it.

Rick: Great job, Morty. A feminist masterpiece. Hey, look. Guess who's got two penises and all the agency?
Story Lord: Rick and Morty.

Rick: I should've known you were behind this, and I did.

---

Morty: Who is this guy?
Rick: Ugh. He's like a Matrix Space Frasier.

Story Lord: You of all people know, Rick, there can be no destination without a journey.
Rick: I don't know that at all. I regularly teleport.
Story Lord: Oh, of course. No rules for you. Spiraling through the multiverse, burping semi-improvised dialogue about how nothing matters, so we may as well pull out our [BLEEP] and rub them on fate's glaring teeth like we're brushing fate's teeth, but we're using your gross, dirty [BLEEP]

Rick: Morty, never forget the highest truth of all... you're getting your ass kicked on a train.

Story Lord: Don't you want to see how your story ends?!

Morty: Holy [BLEEP], Rick. What do we... There... there... there's now way out!
Rick: You're right, Morty. Sometimes it does seem like there's no way out. Like it's hopeless. But remember, there's always someone there for us.
Morty: Who?
Rick: My best friend and personal savior, Jesus Christ.
Morty: What?! You... you don't believe in God.
Rick: But He believes in us, Morty. You know, I thought I was the inventor, but the greatest invention of all is the free gift of Eternal Life.
Morty: Is this... are you [BLEEP] with me?
Rick: Oh, trust me, Morty. I've done plenty of effed up stuff in my life. But it's never too late to accept Christ. Jesus is always knocking at the door. All we have to do is open it and let Him into our hearts.
Morty: How?
Rick: I'm so glad you asked, Morty. Just close your eyes and go to Him in prayer. Like this. Heavenly Father...

Story Lord: What the [BLEEP] is all of this?!
Rick: Greatest story ever told, Story Lord.
Story Lord: No, it's not. It's awful!
Jesus Christ: I beg your pardon?

Morty: Wh-what's gonna happen to Story Lord?
Rick: He gets to spend eternity in every writer's hell... the Bible.
Morty: I don't know. Some people actually like that stuff. Seems kind of cynical. I just don't like taking cheap shots, you know?
Rick: Cheap shots? Morty, we were literally saved by Jesus Christ. Tell me in any way how that's offensive.

Rick: You did the most important thing. You... you bought something.
Morty: What?
Rick: You bought something. With money. God. I love money so much, Morty.
Morty: Are you being sarcastic?
Rick: Merchandise, Morty. Your only purpose in life is to buy and consume merchandise. And you did it. You went into a store... an actual honest to God store... and you bought something. You didn't ask questions or raise ethical complaints. You... you just looked straight into the bleeding jaws of capitalism and said "Yes, daddy, please." And I'm... I'm so proud of you. I only wish you could've bought more. I... I love buying things so much, Morty.
Morty: Rick, are... are you... do you need to go to the hospital?

Rick: I love you, Morty. Give Grandpa a kiss. Give... give... gimme... give Grandpa a kiss. Lips if you want. What... whatever you're comfortable with. Some cultures do that.

Jesus Christ: So you're saying my father and His kingdom...
Story Lord: Well, yes... it's based on the fusion of a Sumerian god named "Ya" and a Mesopotamian god named "Way."
Jesus Christ: And we're in a toy train?
Story Lord: Yes. It's enough to really make you question all of existence, isn't it?

Morty: Oh, man, I'm sorry, Rick. I guess I'll return it.
Rick: Return... Are you insane? Did you hear nothing I said? Buy another one, Morty. Consume, Morty! Nobody's out there shopping with this [BLEEP] virus. Where's your [BLEEP] wallet?!

— The Story Train. Available now in The Citadel of Ricks. Buy it ironically. Buy it sincerely. Just buy it. Not buying it is an act of buying it. Buy it now. Look it up. It's real. www.story-train.com. On the Internet. It's there. Buy it. Buy the train. We want you to buy the train.

--
+ Quotes on the IMDb

Rattlestar Ricklactica

Rick and Morty 4x5

Rick: Morty, be sure to pee before we go. This adventure is gonna be a long haul, and I don't feel like emptying the jug.

Jerry: You tell your mother that I'm gonna be fine.
Rick: Don't train your child to lie, Jerry, even though, you know, 'tis the season.

Rick: I made your atomic matrix slightly lighter than air, and now your shoes are heavier than air, which makes you neutrally buoyant, which I find personally more impressive conceptually than walking on water, but what do I know? I wasn't born into the god business. I [BLEEP] earned it.

Rick: Uh-oh, flat tire.
Morty: How the hell do you get a flat tire in space, Rick?
Rick: Obviously from a sharp thing in space, Morty.

Morty: Can I come out with you, Rick?
Rick: No, I've seen this movie. Two guys leave th... e ship. One guy goes spinning away. You're staying in here where it's safe.

Rick: Ugh, you young people think space is like "Saturday Night Live." You see it every day, so you dream of being in it, but it dreams of removing all the air from your body and making you float around it for eternity as a flash-mummified corpse, which is also what space wants, so get back in the car.

Morty: I'm not in danger. There's nothing out here.
Rick: Literally everything is out here, and unlike everywhere else, I'm too busy to help you.

Morty: T-There's snakes in space?
Rick: There's literally everything in space, Morty! Now get the [BLEEP] back in the car.

---

Morty: I'm dying, Rick. I can see the black mountain.
Rick: People who are really dying don't keep bring it up.
Morty: Is that true?
Rick: I don't know. I'm just usually around people that die faster.

Rick: Oof, oh, my God, these snakes are a mess. 19 billion snakes divided into 10,000 nations all on the brink of global war over... race. How funny is that?

Rick: Jerry, I'll tell you what. Because it's Christmas, I'm gonna do you a favor. I won't let you die, and I won't tell Beth that you almost killed yourself.
Jerry: Sounds like a win-win to me.
Rick: Come again?
Jerry: If I survive, it'll be without you, and if I die, it'll be on your ass. Merry Christmas, bitch. I am the Jesus Christ of Christmas!

Rick: Morty, what the hell did you do?
Morty: I was just trying to do the right thing. I took a living snake... Why... Why are they attacking us? I-I-I helped them!
Rick: You gave them proof that there was something bigger and scarier to unite against, you little idiot! They would have gone back into the Dark Ages for a couple of generations, but instead, they dedicated themselves into making universe-destroying, un-thought-out technology like time travel all so they could try to kill a little [BLEEP] sack on Earth who couldn't let a dead snake be dead even after it bit his ankle! Next time, stay in the [BLEEP] car!!

Narrator: 17 billion snake lives ended on June 21, 2026. The survivors lived only to face a new nightmare, the war between snake and machine...

Summer: Nobody chokes me without consent!

--
+ Quotes on the IMDb

Claw and Hoarder: Special Ricktim's Morty

Rick and Morty 4x4

Rick: You know who's into dragons, Morty? Nerds that refuse to admit they're Christian.

Rick: Okay, dragon, here's the house rules—
Balthromaw: My name is Balthromaw, breaker of sky, slayer of mountain.
Rick: Rule one... you are now scooper of your own poops, or I will take you down like the black-light poster you are. I don't got any more rules. That's it.

Rick: Jerry, why would I give Morty a talking dragon and you a talking cat at the same time? Those concepts bump. If you're talking to a cat, it's an abnormal event unrelated to me like when you went to Pluto or fucked my daughter.

Talking Cat: Do you always need Rick to tell you what's going on? Maybe it's time you stopped asking questions and started having fun.

Morty: Nobody is commanding anybody. I love soaring through the sky with you as equals. W-What do you want to do?
Balthromaw: I want to enter my lair and sleep upon my hoard until the Age of Man expires.
Morty: Okay. Split the diff? 20-minute nap and soar through the sky?
Balthromaw: Ugh. As you command.

Morty: Why don't you admit you don't anyone else to be happy because you're a sad old fart?
Rick: How do you saddle a fart?

Balthromaw: I'm being summoned by Morty.
Rick: Yeah. He's, uh, texting me.
Balthromaw: Hmm. How are you responding?
Rick: Ugh, I tend not to, or maybe I'll send, like, a popular animated GIF that could be interpreted in almost any way.
Balthromaw: Brilliant.

---

Balthromaw: What's the saying? "Orcs work to live. Dwarves live to work."
Rick: So dumb. If there's ever a saying about me, I'll fly into the fucking Sun.
Balthromaw: Oh, you're small for a dragon, Rick.
Rick: Well, I sleep on an extra big pile of awesome shit.
Balthromaw: Then there will be sayings about you. Your lessers will hunt you down, and you will be owned or slain.
Rick: That's why they call it a dying breed, brother...

Rick: Morty, I can explain!...

Summer: Grandpa, do something, or I will tweet, and you will be canceled.

Morty: It takes, like, 78 years to hang a dragon to death, so...
Rick: Aw, man. It's so annoying. You ever, like, try to swallow a really big vitamin with no water? Ugh! You know, like... really, like, big one, you know, and it kind of gets, ugh, stuck in your throat?

Rick: Oh, yeah, yeah. Don't even look. Don't even bother looking. Just fucking let magic guide your arrow.
Morty: Summer, what the hell are you doing? Take this seriously!
Rick: Shut the fuck up, Morty. Stop trying to pretend like magic involves skill or thought. Summer, make it look like it's coming out of your butthole.

Rick: Maybe don't tell your parents we did this?

Balthromaw: I've been thinking. What you said back there in the cave really resonated with me. Maybe we could try again?
Morty: Look, to be honest, I'm kind of grossed out with the sexual nature of how everything unfolded. I didn't know how sexual dragons were. I kind of just wanted to do some D&D stuff, you know?
Balthromaw: And have a soul orgy with your sister and grandpa and every dragon we could find, yeah?
Morty: No, look, can you please just go? I-I-I really want to shower.
Balthromaw: Maybe a quick soul bone before I go...

--
On the IMDb
+ Soundtracks

One Crew Over the Crewcoo's Morty

Rick and Morty 4x3

Morty: Goddammit, an alien spider just bit my finger!
Rick: It's an alien cliff. You can just say spider.

Rick: Total waste of snakes.

Rick: Don't get drawn into the culture, Morty. Stealing stuff is about the stuff, not the stealing.

Rick: Guests are fans, Morty, which we are not. We'd like professional badges.
Entrance Lady: Do you have a crew?
Rick: Yes. He's a getaway driver with Asperger's, and my butthole is a demolitions expert. How much is it to get in?

Rick: It's showtime, Morty, and I don't mean a bad impression of HBO. I mean, "Time for a show."

Rick: Your boos mean nothing! I've seen what makes you cheer!

Miles Knightley: Another heist question from a fan?
Rick: Uh, how about a rhetorical one from someone that had to be reminded that you exist?... My question is, "Seriously?"

Miles Knightley: I challenge you to a heist of the crystal skull of Horowitz. In a heist off!
Rick: That doesn't make things interesting. It makes them "Ocean's Twelve," by far the worst one.

Rick: Every breath I take without your permission raises my self-esteem!

Rick: Heistotron, state your prime directive?
Heistotron: To heist.
Rick: Calculate Miles Knightley's current heist plan and add one double-cross with a switcheroo.

Rick: If we don't stop them, all sentient life will be absorbed by the never-ending assembly of a meaningless crew. That's my hell, Morty. I hate heists so much, and the crew assemblies are the worst part!
Morty: Oh! How are we gonna stop it?
Rick: With a little help from some old friends.

Mr. Poopybutthole: You sons of bitches. What's the job?

---

Hephaestus: I work in a volcano. What jobs do you think I've ever turned down?

Rick: Instead of two heist movies I slept through, Randotron's algorithm is derived from the plots of three David Lynch movies I pretended to like to make my friends shut up.

Rick: It's important our non-plan starts randomly, so we have to wait until we're not ready.
Morty: W-Well, how long will that take?
Rick: Obviously, we can't know that.

Rick: I'm immune to your nanobots.
Heistotron: You're immune to the ones you designed, not mine.
Rick: I programmed you to build nanobots that were ineffective on me.
Heistotron: A belief that needed to be placed in your head by my nanobots.
Rick: You believe that because I programmed you to.
Heistotron: That's what I'm saying to you, though. You believe what I programmed you to believe.
Rick: Yes, because I programmed you to believe that.
Heistotron: I programmed you to believe that.
Rick: I programmed you to believe that.
Heistotron: I programmed you to believe that.
Rick: I programmed you to believe that.
Morty: What's happening, Professor Poopybutthole?
He's learning!

Rick: .....And I programmed you to believe that.
Heistotron: A most curious algorithm. It appears the only perfect heist is one that was never written. Goodbye.

Elon Tusk: Rick, I think this was a powerful lesson in the dangers of AI, which, by the way, means "love" in Chinese.

Rick: Morty, you know, pal, you, uh... you miss 100% of the shots you don't take.

--
+ Quotes on the IMDb