Misfits 5×8

& Greg: Do you know... what today is?
    Abby: ... Tuesday?
    Greg: Today... is the last day of your community service.

& Greg: You had a chance to do something positive, to give something back, to help people, to really make a difference to their lives..... You failed. Dismally. Do you want to know what the real tragedy is? This moment... right here... right now... this is as good as it gets for you.

& Alex: It’s amazing to think that came out of Jess’s twat.
    Finn: You are an industrial tribunal just waiting to happen. It’s called a vagina.

& Greg: A probation worker must learn to wear many masks. Best friend... Father figure... Tearful clown.

---

& Jess: What are you doing?!
    Rudy: Well, he wanted to suckle on something and you weren’t ’ere. I know they’re not as beautiful as yours, like, but any nipple in a storm. Eh, mate?

& Finn: You’re not going to believe this. Those community service pricks, fucking little fuckers. They tried to kill me!
    Rudy: Well, they chose the wrong day to do that, Finlay... cos I’m feeling very hormonal.

& Finn: What’s the plan? Do we... Do we have a plan? Running’s a plan! There’s no shame in running!

& Rudy: Handsome barman?..

& Jess: Rudy... Be careful.
    Rudy: Of course I’ll be careful. Careful’s my middle name. Rudy Careful Geoffrey Wade.

& Rudy: Whoa, ho-ho-ho-ho! Whoa, dude! Oh, did you see that? That’s a G-flat, because she’s flat and her fucking name begins with G.

& Rudy: This could be the start of something huge. I feel it in me nutsack.

--
On the IMDb

Σ That's all. Such a pity. RIP Misfits. 'll miss you.

Misfits 5×7

& Sarah: You’re Alex, aren’t you?
    Alex: Mm-hm.
    Sarah: I need you to take my power.
    Alex: Is that right? And what power might that be?
    Sarah: I’ve got hypnotic tits.
    Alex: ........
    Sarah: Can we just get this over with?

& Abby: So tomorrow’s the one-year anniversary of the storm. Thus it is my birthday.
    Rudy-2: And mine. I’m gonna be one.

& Abby: Well, we’ve having a party here at the Community Centre and you’re all invited.
    Finn: Question.
    Abby: Yes, there’ll be a buffet!

& Abby: So it’s going to be like a normal first birthday party but instead of pass the parcel and little paper hats, there’ll be vodka and drugs and people fucking each other.

& Rudy: Finlay! My child! Please, I insist. Anything you want. Anything up to the value of... 60 whole English pennies, dude.

& Finn: Why are you being so nice to me?
    Rudy: No rea... Dude, what the f...? When did you get so cynical? Whatever happened to me bright-eyed little sunbeam, with his little hatful of hope there?

& Rudy: Dude, I’m not joking, Finn. We are. We’re boyfriend and girlfriend, Finn. We... We fuck and stuff and spoon. We’re shagging. We’re fuck spoons.
    Finn: Did you really think I was going to fall for that?!
    Rudy: Fuck’s sake.
    Finn: Jess likes pretty boys, like me... and Alex. Just... You’re not her type, mate, trust me.

---

& Greg: Addiction... is a weakness. And weakness must be stamped upon.

& Abby: Probation Worker, are you saying you’d like to come to our party?
    Greg: Would you like me to come to your party?

& Rudy: I’ve got you all a present, actually, cos it’s been one year since the storm. Here you are, dude. Here you are, love. Finlay. Abs. It’s a pill. And no, I didn’t get a fucking gift receipt, so happy anniversary, you dickheads.

& Abby: Hiya, I’m Abby — the birthday girl.

& Helen: You’re Rudy 1.
    Rudy: Rudy. It’s just Rudy.

& Rudy: D’you know what you’re doing? You’re trying to split up the band. Me and him are the fuckin’ Beatles, mate, and you’re just that yodelling Chinese... woman.
    Helen: Yoko Ono?
    Rudy: Yeah.
    Helen: She’s Japanese.
    Rudy: Is she? Yeah? Well, when it all goes fuckin’ tits up it’ll be me that he comes running back to, won’t it, with his tiny little penis between his legs?

& Maggie: Rudy 1 or Rudy 2?
    Rudy: It’s Rudy! It’s just Rudy! I’m Ghostbusters, he’s Ghostbusters II, and everybody knows Ghostbusters II was a right piece of shit.

& Maggie: Do you know ecstasy reverses your power? Whatever your power is, it makes it do the opposite.

& Alex: My mate... he got turned into an agent of Satan and I had to fuck him in the arse.
    Sarah: Oh, nice!
    Alex: Yeah. Oh, and I almost, almost shagged a tortoise once.
    Sarah: So, you do draw the line at shagging animals? Good to know.

& Finn: What are you doing?
    Abby: I’m waiting for Mark to come up on his pill.
    Finn: You gave ecstasy to a turtle?
    Abby: I gave ecstasy to a tortoise.
    Finn: Yeah. You know, this really is the worst party ever.

& Tim: How’s your night?
    Finn: Yeah, pretty... Pretty shit.

& Rudy-2: I think I’m your mentor. Actually, you know, like the, um... Like the talking rat on the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, the, er... Splinter!

& Karen: What would we do if... we were a gang of superheroes?
    Rudy-2: Well, you’d fight crime, like... muggers, and rapists, and things like that.
    Karen: Sounds quite... dangerous.
    Sam: She’s right. Forget the rapists. We could focus on people who drop chewing gum.

& Rudy: Mate, we have got a fucking major problem — it’s this jumper thing. Jess, she’s having a baby. We’re gonna be a dad.

& Alex: And I shagged all of my powers into her.
Ω Terrifically terrifying. Rudy, Rudy...

& Helen: We’re getting a better name.
    Rudy-2: We’re gonna be unstoppable.

--
On the IMDb

Misfits 5×6

& Alex: Hang on. Terminally... ill? So, they’re dying?
    Jess: No, no, no, no, no, no. As in the other kind of terminally ill, where people live happily ever after. Twat.

& Rudy: Jesus Christ! Yeah! That... Decafecate!
    Lucas: Er... that’s not a word.
    Rudy: Fucking IS a word. “Decafecate” to evacuate one’s bowels after a triple espresso. I decafecated just this morning in Starbucks, all over.

& Alex: And the bitch has put a Gypsy curse on me. Makes me feel like I’m drowning. It’s fucking horrible.
    Finn: So you’re compelled to help people?.. You couldn’t lend us 20 quid, could you, mate? You know, just... just help me out?
    Alex: You little bastard.
    Finn: Mm.
    Abby: That’s really mean.
    Finn: You call it mean. I... I call it karma.

& Rudy: Once. It’s happened once before. I was shagging a doctor. Well... well, by doctor, I mean the receptionist at the vet’s.

& Rudy: Fuck me. That’s what... that’s what it is. It’s because I love you.
    Jess: You love me?
    Rudy: Yeah. I love you like I loved Peter Rabbit. And that’s why my cock won’t frigging work. I have a really sarcastic penis.
    Jess: Do you mean you have an ironic penis? Is that what you mean?

& Finn: This is where the magic happens... if your idea of magic is people getting dressed.

---

& Abby: Are you taking a shit?
    Alex: No.
    Abby: Are you having a wank?
    Alex: .... No.
    Abby: OK. So... I’ve been thinking...
    Alex: You’re going to make me fuck your turtle, aren’t you? You... bitch!
    Abby: I don’t want to take advantage of your situation...
    Alex: You’re going to make me fuck your turtle!
    Abby: Well, it’s the only way that we can be together as man and woman, rather than woman and turtle, which is... It’s just too weird.
    Alex: .... If I fuck him to death, it isn’t on me.

& Abby: You? With him?
    Jess: Er... no, don’t look at me like that, cos you’re in love with a turtle, so...
    Abby: Fair point.

& Lucas: Er... someone told me there was a really nice view from the roof.
    Abby: Hm. I wouldn’t say it’s nice. It’s just the same shit from a different angle, really.

& Alex: I’m not saying it’s fair. It’s shit, mate. But you’ve got to do the right thing,
or... I’m going to have to do the right thing.
    Lucas: Yeah, and what’s that, then?
    Alex: I’m going to have to wrestle you to the floor... pin you down... and fuck you up the arse until I take your power.
    Lucas: Oh! I’m sorry, that’s meant... that’s meant to be the right thing to do?
    Alex: Yeah, in a totally fucked-up way... I think it is.

& Alex: Sorry. I... I was a massive twat. But I have been the Good fucking Samaritan with bells on. Lesson learned.

& Jess: Rudy? Why are you wearing the sex bag?
    Rudy: I’m fed up. I’ve renamed it the bag of eternal shame. And I will not take it off until the frigging end of time, or my cock gets hard, whatever happens first.

& Rudy 2: I have been look... I have been looking for you! You’re the final piece of the superhero jumper puzzle.

--
On the IMDb

Misfits 5×5

& Rudy: Some people say tears are the best form of lubricant.

& Finn: I was just going to clean the biscuit off. I kind of splattered ya... I don’t usually spit tea and biscuits in a girl’s face. Unless she’s asking for it.

& Rudy: I refute that. Or at least, I think I do. What does “refute” mean?
    Rudy-2: It means you don’t accept something.
    Rudy: Yeah, well, I refute that.

& Abby: Do you think I should go over and put a good word in for him?
    Alex: What are you going to say?
    Abby: I could tell her about his strangely weighty balls. They’re like... hairy apples.

& Alex: What’s the problem?
    Chloe: I turn things inside out.
    Abby: That doesn’t seem that bad. It’s good for doing the laundry. And transgender surgery.
    Chloe: I turned my cat inside out.
    Alex: OK... Why don’t we go somewhere a bit quieter?

& Abby: Do you... like apples?
    Debbie: Er... yeah.
    Abby: You are gonna love his balls.

& Jess: Something on your mind?
    Rudy: You’re on my mind. You are. You’ve cast a spell. I can’t eat, I can’t sleep and I can’t shit, without that popping into me head!

& Rudy: Grr, you’re a witch. You’re a beautiful friggin’ witch.

& Finn: Oh, I see. You like to play games. Well, you’d better watch yourself. Because if you wanna play, then you’re playing... with a player.

& Rudy: Of course we can be honest! That’s my middle name — Rudy Honest Geoffrey Wade.

---

& Finn: Women.
    Rudy: Where?!
    Finn: I’m saying. One minute, you’re... spitting tea and biscuits in their face and they’re being all coy and shy and the next minute, they’re acting like they don’t even know you. I’m done with this bullshit.

& Finn: Is she taking a shit?
    Rudy: She’s taking the Mother Teresa of all shits, dude.

& Jess: What the fuck are you doing? That’s my phone!
    Rudy: Yeah, I know, I’ve only gone and bloody liberated you, freed you from the tyrannies of friggin’ texting. You’re free now.

& Rudy: The shit’s hit the fan, Finlay. By fan, I mean fuckin’ World Wide Web.

& Leah: We’re in a virtual world. I had us converted into electronic signals. We’re just a long stream of ones and zeros.
    Finn: Here’s a question... Why the fuck would you do that?!

& Jess: Why is there a video of me shitting on the internet?!!

& Leah: I brought you some pizza.
    Finn: You think you can just win me over with a few slices of pizza? Pathetic!
    Leah: I’ll come back later.
    Finn: Whoa, wait... What kind of pizza is it?

& Rudy: Do you know, honestly, you are like a bull with an ’ard-on in a china shop, it’s ridiculous.

& Rudy-2: Is this about Jess?
Rudy: I just... I don’t know what to do... You try and do the good thing, the right thing, the noble thing, and what d’you have to show for it? A friggin’ broken ’eart and a ruptured testicle.

& Rudy: Don’t ever let your testicles get viciously beaten with a wooden broom handle.
    Debbie: I’ll keep that in mind.

& Debbie: Who’s Finlay?
    Rudy: For God’s sake, Finlay is the small, well-intentioned monkey-ish little fellow.

& Leah: Everything’s easier online. You chat to who you want to chat to, you decide you don’t like them, one click and they’re gone. You never have to see ’em again. They take the piss. Click. They act like a dick. Click. You embarrass yourself... Click. See, it’s not like being out there, you’re in control.

& Finn: Real life... Yeah, it’s shit sometimes. But you need the shit to appreciate the good things.

& Rudy: I’m all out of brilliant ideas.

& Abby: Well... nailed to the floor. That’s a first.
    Rudy: Speak for yourself. School play, Crucifixion re-enactment gone badly awry.

& Helen: I’m... on my way to a job, so...
    Rudy: “I’m on my way to a job.” That’s what the Good Samaritan said to Jesus when he found him nailed to the Cross, but do you know what? He friggin’ un-nailed him and then he said, “Do you want to kip in me stable with that donkey from... Bethlehem?” And Jesus said... Do you know what he said? He went, “Oh, cheers, mate. See that water over there? I’m gonna turn that into wine... And fish.”

& Alex: What happened?
    Rudy: She has been inserting herself into you, dude, and not in a fucking “I’m not gay, I just want to know how it feels” kind of way, neither.

& Rudy: Can I just say in my defence...

& Rudy: The business with the defecation, perhaps that was an error of... No, it was, it was an error of judgment on my part, but my motives, they were true and bloody noble.

& Rudy: Watching you defecate your guts out, it didn’t put me off you at all. At all! There is no greater test of a man’s feelings. I have seen you turn shit-ugly. But... But to me, it was shit beautiful. You are... You’re a beautiful shitter.

--
On the IMDb

Misfits 5×4

& Abby: He was Scrappy-Doo to your Scooby. You’re Shaggy. Obviously.
    Jess: Um... which one am I?
    Abby: Velma.
    Jess: Velma?
    Abby: Mm.
    Jess: With the glasses?
    Abby: Mm.
    Jess: Fuck off.

& Rudy: I’ll piss off and I’ll frigging celebrate by myself, shall I? Fuck you. Fuck... you. Fuck you. Have a nice evening.

& Finn: This is bang out of order. It makes my blood boil. I mean, there’s a municipal recycling facility two minutes down the road. It’s just scum. Sick, inhuman scum.
    Alex: We kill people. Frequently.
    Finn: Yeah. Well, there’s honor in killing people. There’s no honor in fly-tipping, is there?

& Finn: Actually, I’ve got a friend who can take powers.
    Sam: How does he take powers? How does it work?
    Finn: I’ll let him fill you in on the details. You’re gonna love him.

& Abby: Um... Alex, will you do me a quick favor? Will you fuck my tortoise?

---

& Abby: You have no idea, do you? I found out what my power is and it’s totally useless. There’s nothing I can do to help anyone. But you... You can make a difference. You’re the only one out of us who can actually change people’s lives. And what are you doing about it? Nothing. It’s just sat there in your pants.

& Abby: Use your power, Alex. Help people. Be a superhero. Fuck the tortoise, Alex.

& Alex: The irony is that for me to take your power, and for you to stop being trapped in closets, we need to have anal sex.

& Alex: Just so we’re clear, am I fucking you because you’re not gay and you’re just sick of having your power? Or am I fucking you because you are gay and you just don’t want anyone to know about it? ... It’s a head-scratcher.

& Jess: All right, then.
    Rudy: All right, then, what?
    Jess: You just asked me out for a drink and I said yes.

& Rudy: Who’s that on top of the building?
    Jess: I don’t know. Maybe it’s you.
    Rudy: What if we all become superheroes? Huh! I mean, like, you know, proper... superheroes. Maybe it’s our destiny.

--
On the IMDb

Misfits 5×3

& Finn: What’s the plan?
    Jess: Well, we ring the doorbell and when she answers the door, we ask her if she knows where Abby is.
    Finn: .... That could work.

& Abby: Everyone, this is Laura. Laura, this is everyone.

& Abby: Hi, I’m Abby, and I’m a lesbian.
    Rudy: Well done!

& Abby: I found out who I am. Guess what. I’m imaginary.

& Rudy: For the love of God, can a ridiculously handsome man not do anything in peace? Eh?

& Rudy: Finn, it’s the oldest trick in the book, you douche! You don’t underst... Come on. Really? You just... You take the finger of the KitKat, you insert it up your anus, you give it to the unsuspecting victim, that’s good times. ... It was a more innocent time, I’ll have you know, when children were allowed to be bloody children. Thank you very much, judgy.

---

& Finn: You’ve got it all wrong. I’m not gay... I look gay. But I’m not... It’s probably because I’m petit.

& Finn: Jess? It’s me. I’m at the Community Centre. And there’s a situation. So we’re gonna need your car to move the situation. Call me.

& Rudy: What the...? Finlay, what the fuck? What’ve you done?
    Finn: Nothing.
    Alex: Did you kill the probation worker?
Ω Again? Finally!
    Finn: No. And yes.

& Jess: I found the situation. Where are you?
    Finn: I’m sitting on the situation.
    Jess: What situation are you talking about?
    Finn: The probation worker situation. What situation are you talking about?
    Jess: The Abby situation. What’s the probation worker situation?

& Rudy: We should get his cock out.
    Alex: Any particular reason, or do you just wanna... give it an airing?
    Rudy: For the comedy, innit, you know. It’s always... Come on, for the comedy.
    Alex: .... It works for me.

& Rudy: Hey, listen. Seriously, if you want to use our room, you want to have a talk or just sit on each other’s faces, or talk while you’re sat on each other’s faces... I’ve been known to recite poetry... Should I compare thee to a summer’s day? Thou art more lovely and temperate.

& Finn: Women are the fucking mystery. I mean, even their genitalia’s mysterious, what, with all the little different crevices and folds, different compartments, just... You know, sometimes I wonder whether there’s stuff up there they’re just not telling us about.

--
On the IMDb

Misfits 5×2

& Alex: So, what did she look like?
    Rudy: Right, well, try to imagine, if an orang-utan and a bulldog, they spawned a child, yeah? Now try and imagine, that bloody child grows up and impregnates a pig. Eurgh. This pig-dog-monkey hybrid thing would be a thing of beauty in comparison.

& Jess: If she was so hideously ugly, why did you have sex with her?
    Rudy: Really? Do you know, this... this is just... this is the problem, isn’t it, when you’re having sex with ugly birds? You’re damned if you do, and you’re damned if you don’t.

& Rudy: I think I’m going to cry.

& Abby: I’m going to think about this while I change my tampon.

& Rudy: I can’t do this. I can’t do it on my own. I’m not... I’m not mature enough. You know what? I might have a big lush pubic bush, but that does not maketh me a man.

& Mum: Well, there was all that trouble with the Boy Scouts.
    Rudy: Fucking hell! That was an experimental stage, weren’t it? No-one judged Isaac Newton when he were friggin’ wanking on apples, did they?
    Mum: Yeah, well, apples aren’t the same as 12-year-old boys.
    Rudy: Yeah, maybe not to you, Mum. And maybe that’s why you never discovered the fucking... the laws of gravity.

---

& Dad: So, if, er... you’re not gay, what did you want to talk to us about, son?

& Abby: I keep asking girls in the bar if it’s theirs, and none of them are her.
    Alex: She’s like Cinderella...
    Abby: This Cinderella, did you shag her?
    Alex: What? No! Cinderella, like in the fairy tale... Pumpkin... Fairy godmother... She had a glass slipper.

& Finn: See, I wish Jess was here, cos girls can intervene in this kind of thing without getting their heads kicked in.

& Alex: Where’s the kid?
    Finn: See, this is why you shouldn’t help people out. Not so much as a... a “Thanks, here’s a 20, have a few drinks on me.” Just... ungrateful little shit. Stepping up like that, though, that... that was kind of superhero.

& Abby: Can I get you a drink?
    Laura: Oh... It’s OK.
    Abby: I’m not going to drug you and take you to my basement and rape you with a massive strap-on... I live in a flat, and it doesn’t have a basement.

& Mum: Rudy? Don’t be so rude!

--
On the IMDb

Misfits 4×8

& Rudy: Penguins. Are they birds or are they fish?.. Does it really matter anyway? We’re all God’s creatures.

& Rudy: It’s... It’s all right. So... I understand that’s a good decision.
    Nadine: I never meant for this to happen.
    Rudy: It’s all right. It’s fine. It’s Jesus. He’s the Son of God. I’m just a dickhead. Wi’ a big mouth.

& Rudy: They should call it Sad Feet.

& Rudy: The Lord... giveth... and your boy takes awayeth. Sometimes the... taking away feels a little bit... more than the giving, but...

& Finn: What you doing?
    Rudy: I am praying, dude. I’m praying... to the Lord Jesus Christ, in the heavens above, that Nadine stops being a frigging nun, so I can... express my physical love for her in a... beautiful... union of our two genitals. Amen.

& Finn: And God’s taking these kind of requests, is he?
    Rudy: If he can build Noah a massive friggin’ ark, he can spare a nun for old Rudy, can’t he?

& Rudy Too: Do you honestly believe that God will let you have a relationship with Nadine because you’ve said 50,000 Hail Marys?
    Rudy: The priest said that I have to repent to be forgiven.
    Rudy Too: He said you were going to burn in hell.
    Rudy: And I chose to ignore that. I’ll tell you something right now, fella.

& Rudy Too: You were going to be honest.
    Rudy: Define “honest”.

---

& Nadine: Do you want to hear a joke?
    Rudy: Yeah.
    Nadine: What’s black and white and red all over? ... Nun in a blender.
    Rudy: All right, what’s black and white, black and white, and then red?
    Nadine: Nun killing a penguin.
    Rudy: Whay! Respect, mate, you know your nun jokes.

& Rudy: I’m not asking you to give up your faith or anything. I’ll share you with God. He’ll probably want you Sundays, won’t he?
    Nadine: He does like his Sundays.
    Rudy: Right, well, then he can have you Sundays, I’ll have you rest of t’week. How’s that sound?

& Rudy: I’ll cherish the fuck out of her. For I am a sheep. And you’re a shepherd. And... a sheep... always keeps his promises. So, amen.

& Greg: Where the fuck do you think you’re going?!
    Rudy: I’ve just... I’m... I’m-I’m going to see a nun to tell her that I love her, actually. And you can’t stop me, please, mate.
    Greg: What if I broke both your legs? Would that stop you?
    Rudy: No, I’d crawl, man. I’d... Dude, I’d crawl through broken glass and dog shit if I had to, I would.
    Greg: Hey. That’s what love feels like. Crawling naked... through broken glass and dog shit.
    Rudy: Naked?

& Greg: You crawl... through the broken glass... and through the dog shit... and you fucking tell her how much you love her, or so help me God, I will fuck you to kingdom come.
    Rudy: Oh! That’s good stuff. Go on, then, consider me motivated. I am... I am ready... to do this.

& Rudy: Unbe-friggin’-lievable. The number of times I’ve helped you two out. And you, man. What about when you... the time you were so damn pissed, you shat in your own bed, and who offered to swap wi’ you? Me.
    Finn: That was you. You shat in your own bed and then offered to swap with me.
    Rudy: Did I?
    Finn: Yeah.
    Rudy: Yeah, and why did I do that?
    Finn: Because you didn’t want to sleep in your own shit.
    Rudy: That’s incorrect. It’s because that’s what friends do, innit? It’s... It’s all for one and one for all, and a nun.

& Jess: Do you ever think we suffer from a complete lack of ambition and imagination?
    Finn: I guess that’s why we live in an age of chronically high youth unemployment.

& Abby: Use the special powers you got after being struck by that freak storm... It’s just a thought.
    Finn: You know, we really should use them more often.
Ω Yeah. You really should.

& Finn: Oh, no. That’s really bad!
    Jess: You just head-butted a nun.
    Rudy: Hail Mary, full of grace. Hail Mary, full of grace.
    Abby: It’s fine. She’s... She’s an evil bitch nun.
    Finn: I don’t care how evil and bitchy she is. I’m not kicking a nun. That’s seven years’ bad luck.

& Abby: That’s my incredibly subtle way of asking you if you want to fuck me.
    Finn: Do I want to fuck you? Well... Hmm. Well, that’s a very interesting question, with... many possible answers. Well... two answers.

& Finn: Are you saying you like me?
    Abby: Hmm... I need to fuck you to find out. It’s a process of elimination.
    Finn: And they said romance is dead.

& Abby: You can start by rubbing my tit.
    Finn: Any particular one?
    Abby: You choose.

Io Echo — Stalemate

♪ Thick... ♪
♪ ..fingers round my neck are grasping in ♪
♪ Have a drink and let this game begin ♪
♪ Flash ♪
♪ Light ♪
♪ Polaroid and one cheap glass of wine ♪
♪ I think the moon is full ♪
♪ I’ve come undone ♪
♪ Pieces fall This game has just begun... ♪

& Jess: What’s going on?
    Abby: It’s all right, we’ve finished shagging.

& Jess: What the fuck is wrong with you?
    Abby: I’m a lone wolf in the journey of self-discovery.
    Jess: You’re not a wolf. You’re a slut.

& Rudy: ’Ey! We’ve just made sweet, beautiful love. Now we’re going for a pizza. Ham and pineapple. Can’t believe they’re putting fruit on pizzas now, man. It’s...

& Rudy: What’s that?
    Nadine: It’s them.
    Jess: Who?
    Nadine: The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.
    Finn: Seriously?

& Jess: But they haven’t even got horses.
    Finn: Who has a horse around here? Four Cyclists of the Apocalypse doesn’t have the same ring to it.

& Abby: I was so scared. Shit-my-knickers terrified. As he was about to kill me, I’ve never felt so alive.

& Alex: I’m sorry.
    Jess: You were a much better boyfriend when you had a vagina.

& Finn: Would it kill you just to sugar-coat it, just once?
    Abby: I’m sure we’re all going to be fine... Maybe not him.

& Rudy: This isn’t how it’s supposed to be. Oh, no. I wanted an ET ending. ...
    Abby: At least we got some BMXs out of it.

& Rudy: I’ll tell you now, you don’t want to be getting a transplant round here.
    Jess: Why’s that?
    Rudy: Well, Curtis told me about this girl he was seein’ this one time, right, and she had an ’eart transplant. She ended up getting hersel’ a teleportation power. And then she ended up getting killed by a guy who controlled cheese. I’m sure Alex the sexy barman is going to be fine. What’s the chance of it happening again, really?..

--
On the IMDb

Σ Well. Seems like it've a future.

Misfits 4×7

& Abby: You’re responsible for her. If she fucks up, you fuck up, and I’ll fuck you up all the way to fuck.
    Finn: How is that fair?!

& Finn: What are you doing? You heard what he said, he’s going to fuck me up all the way to fuck. And... I don’t even know what that means, but it’s not good.

& Rudy: Oh, hello! Do I detect the gentle flush of the female orgasm?

& Jess: Are you on community service?
    Abby: No. Just pretending.

& Finn: Anyone fancy a drink?
    Abby: I’m in... Just need a shit. I’ll meet you down there.
    Finn: OK. Enjoy your shit.

& Tara: I can’t handle this... How am I supposed to have a baby? I thought I could do it, but I can’t.
    Abby: Oh, it’s a design fault. Why don’t they give us bigger vaginae? How are you meant to get something so big out of something so small?.. Apparently, they suck the life out of your tits, so, er, you can kiss them goodbye.

& Abby: So, guess what happened to me.
    Finn: Oh, my God!
    Abby: I know. It’s totally fucked. I went to the toilet and there was this girl and she had this power. Next thing, I’m pregnant, she’s not... All the times I shagged people and never got pregnant. I go for a quiet dump and then this happens.

---

& Jess: Please, talk to me more about your balls!

& Rudy: I’m gonna tell him.
    Jess: Don’t you fucking dare!
    Rudy: Quickly tell him. Dude?!
    Jess: He’s got... He’s got a fanny.
    Rudy: What?! He’s got a what?!
    Jess: A vagina.
    Rudy: What the fuck!
    Jess: Someone stole it from him. They did a swap.
    Rudy: Can’t believe it. Alex the barman. He’s got a mangina.

& Finn: What about the laptop?
    Abby: Yes! Good — steal the laptop, find the address, sell it on. Just need a distraction...
    Finn: I’ll take care of this. .......
    Abby: Are you shitting yourself? Is that the distraction? Cos I’m not sure that’s gonna work.

& Abby: That’s your power? You can spill cups of tea?
    Finn: No, it... It’s telekinesis. It’s not exclusive to tea.

& Finn: No of fence, but will you shut the fuck up about Nadine?
    Rudy: What do you mean?
    Finn: It’s all you’ve gone on about all day. Nadine, Nadine, Nadine...
    Jess: It is fucking boring.
    Rudy: Usually when I meet a girl, it’s... it’s all down here. It’s dick-based. ... The first time I want to see a girl for the second time and I... I don’t know where to find her, do I?

& Abby: I’m fuckin’ starving and I’m eating for two, so I’m gonna go and get a Kit Kat.

& Rudy: Shit, I don’t know how it works. It’s storm-related, innit? All I know is where once there was a penis, there is now merely a vagina.

& Abby: So... he hasn’t got a dick and you have, but Jess would still rather be with him...
    Finn: Great. Thanks for ruining the moment.

& Greg: You. I need your full name.
    Abby: What for?
    Greg: You’re not on the system. And if you’re not on the system, then you don’t exist.

& Greg: I... will not... allow... anarchy and chaos to overtake my community center.

& Rudy: Why does she keep running off, then?
    Finn: Because she’s a girl. That’s what they do. They string you along like a little puppy and then, when you think you’ve got a chance, they end up with... some guy who works in a bar who doesn’t even have a dick.
    Abby: Maybe she’s some sexy psycho werewolf who doesn’t want you finding out.

& Rudy: Shit, I’m in love with a fucking nun...

& Greg: This is a song very close to my heart. I hope you’ll like it, too...

♪ I’ll protect you from the hooded claw. ♪
♪ Keep the vampires from your door. ♪
♪ I-I-I-I ♪
♪ Feels like fire ♪
♪ I’m so in love with you ♪
♪ Dreams are like angels ♪
♪ They keep bad at bay, bad at bay ♪
♪ Love is the light ♪
♪ Scaring darkness away ♪
♪ I’m so in love with you ♪
♪ Purge the soul ♪
♪ Make love your goal ♪
♪ The power of love... ♪
/Frankie Goes To Hollywood — The Power Of Love/

& Rudy: Ladies and gentlemen. I’d like to dedicate this one to the most beautiful nun in all of the world...

♪ You were working as a waitress in a cocktail bar ♪
♪ When I met you ♪
♪ I picked you out, I shook you up ♪
♪ I turned you around ♪
♪ Turned you into someone new... ♪
/Human League — Don’t you want me/

& Abby: You better fucking look after him. If he grows up to be a pimp, a child molester or a probation worker, I will kick your arse.

& Rudy: Oh, what?! Alex gets his dick back, Mum gets her baby back. I don’t get my beautiful nun. How the frig is that fair?

& Abby: That’s the beauty of pretending to be on community service. You’re not actually on community service.

& Greg: Do you know what they do... to people who pretend to be on community service?

& Abby: Maybe it’s meant to be... I mean, it’s the first steps to finding out who I actually am. It’s all part of some big cosmic plan...
    Jess: You just stepped in some dog shit.

--
On the IMDb

Misfits 4×6

& Rudy: Light-coloured trousers... Honestly, that’s a basic schoolboy error, that is, mate.
    Finn: What’s wrong with these?
    Rudy: We’re about to enter a war zone. It’s going to get really messy. Honestly, man, it’s going to be the most insane house party you’ve ever been to in your shitty little life. Strangers are going to fuck strangers... Heads are going to get shaved... There’ll be puke, blood, sperm and piss.
    Finn: Will there be a buffet?
    Rudy: Yes, there’ll be a buffet. A buffet of drugs, alcohol and shagging.

& Finn: Why have you got a 2 on your head?
    Jess: Why have you got a 1?

& Rudy: Oi! Shit, mate. Oi, check this out. Turns out I’ve been going round with a bloody big 99 on me head, which, strangely enough, is the exact amount of girls I’ve slept with, dude... I keep a list... I’ve got to keep a record. I just want to keep tabs on where he’s been. It’s like service history!
    Finn: Can I just say...? Long-term relationship, so no shame in that.
    Rudy: There’s a shame. There’s deep shame in that.
    Alex: OK. Any idea why I’ve got the number 46 on my head?
    Rudy: Yes, because you are a fucking Viking. Respect to the dark horse.

& Rudy: Start working on your friggin’ digits, mate.
    Finn: That is a mark of honour. It shows I’m a good person.
    Rudy: Do you know...? Here we go. All right, here’s a graph, right? And down the bottom, it says “niceness”, and down the side, it says “number of times I’ve ejaculated inside a real human woman,” right? And your friggin’ graph, dude, is doing this. Are you watching? Boom!

& Finn: I don’t care about numbers. It’s not about quantity. It’s about quality.

---

& Rudy: Oh, my God! Hm, hm, hm, hundred. One hundred.

& Rudy: It’s him! It’s Saunders, he’s here. What you doing in there?
    Richard “The Colonel” Saunders: He’s coming for us. He’s out there! The white rabbit’s coming!

& Jess: 46?.. Must have been one hell of a weekend. You could fill a coach with all those. A fuck bus. It would be an awkward journey. Mine... we could all fit inside a small car, something like a Vauxhall Corsa. We’d have a seat left over.

& Finn: Maybe we should do a bit of bedroom mathematics... find out if two can go into one.
    Jess: If I’m two and I’m going into one, that would mean that I’m penetrating you.

& Holly: Why’ve you got a 99 on your head?
    Rudy: That’s how aroused I am out of 100. I’m going to let you know if you get down to final three. Yeah?

& Rudy: Right, that’s a freebie. Pudding is served.
    Finn: I can’t. She... She’s wasted.
    Rudy: Look, mate, there is no law against fucking a wasted girl. It’s a bloody loophole is what it is. Right, this is your loophole here.

& Rudy: Finlay!
    Finn: Whoa, whoa, whoa! What are you doing?!
    Rudy: We’ve got major problems, mate.
    Finn: Can’t it wait?
    Rudy: It can’t bleedin’ wait! I’ve had to wait for you to ejaculate. What more d’you want?

& Finn: What kind of rabbit?
    Rudy: I don’t know what kind of fucking rabbit! They’re all the same.
    Finn: Well, actually, they’re not. You’ve got the lop-eared, the American lop-eared, the French Angora...
    Rudy: Just shut up. Shh, shh. Be quiet. It’s... It is a psycho rabbit and he’s wearing a suit and it’s got a golf club.
    Finn: Did it have a silky coat?

& Rudy: Listen. You’re going to have to go down that way, we’ll go down this way.
    Alex: Why do I have to go on my own?
    Finn: Because you’re bigger than us.
    Rudy: Yes, he is bigger.

& Abby: I’m Abby, by the way. So, are we all going to go on somewhere for a drink? Cos this rabbit-slaying’s thirsty work.

& Alex: It was a girl. A bloke. A transgender bloke. She wanted to be a man.

& Alex: So now you know... why we can’t be together.

--
On the IMDb

Σ As they say: ’Watching “Alice in the Wonderland” will never be the same.’

+ Abby’s nice. She could be a valuable addition to the party.

Misfits 4×5

& Finn: I guess... me question to you... and trust me, never in me worst nightmares did I ever think I’d be going around repeatedly asking this, but... me question is... did you shag me mum?

& Roger: Anal Mary! Your mum’s nickname. Everyone used to call her Anal Mary. You know... I’m pretty sure I’m not your dad.

& Greg: Ohhh, eeny, meeny, miny, moe!
    Rudy: Oh, fuck!
    Greg: My office, now! We’re going to do some grief counselling. I guarantee... there will be tears. And they won’t be mine!

& Rudy: Cor, you’re very intense.
    Greg: Oh, you want intense?
    Rudy: No.
    Greg: I’ll give you intense. I’ll give you the intense sensation of me skull-fucking your living brain.

& Alex: I am a prick.
    Jess: Mm.
    Alex: So what are you thinking?
    Jess: I’m thinking I want to hit you in the face.

& Jess: Are you cr...? Are you crying?
    Alex: No! My eyes are watering.

---

& Finn: D’you have any fatherly advice for me?
    Dan Woollaston: Um... Don’t get cancer.

& Finn: Who’s Alex?
    Jess: You know Alex, from the bar.
    Finn: I thought you were pissed off with him.
    Jess: I was, but then I punched him in the face and he asked me out and I said yes.
    Finn: Why don’t you just kick me in the balls?
    Jess: Why would I want to kick you in the balls?
    Finn: Does it get me a date?

& Finn: Where’s me phone?
    Jess: It’s down the toilet. But don’t worry, I didn’t flush.

& Finn: He’s gay and you know it. Nothing wrong with it.

& Grace: I hate to say it, but I think she’s probably gonna take him back to his flat... and fuck his brains out.

& Finn: Please don’t fuck me sister.
    Rudy: I’d love to help you, but unfortunately, I am... I’m genetically programmed to fuck people’s sisters. It’s the way the Lord made me. Can’t be helped, dude.

& Grace: Thanks, bro.
    Finn: No problem, ho. I mean... I... I mean, sis.

& Alex: Show me your cock and I’ll let you go.

--
On the IMDb

Σ So- no-Misfits. Maybe next time...

Misfits 4x4

& Jess: Can’t you just oil the wheels to stop them from squeaking?
    Finn: Well... that would be the humane thing to do.

& Finn: I can’t be walking in on you with some girl sitting on your face.
    Rudy: Shit, man. Did you know they ejaculate? Honestly, mate, the bloody female genitalia, it’s like a... It’s like a mystery, wrapped in an hairy conundrum.

& Rudy: Quick question.
    Jess: Uh-huh.
    Rudy: So, you’re sitting on a bloke’s face...
    Jess: Hmm?
    Rudy: Would you be offended if he insisted on wearing the safety goggles?
    Jess: Why would he be wearing safety goggles? Is he a scientist?

& Rudy: Curtis Donovan! Open this bloody door immediately!
    Curtis: Shut the fuck up and stop shouting my name.
    Rudy: Why? What are you ashamed of your name for? There’s far worse names. There’s a kid at my school called Richard Cheese... Dick Cheese, innit? Cos his name’s Richard... Richard Dick... Dick... Cheese... So, what’s occurring?

& Rudy: I’m sure there’s a very funny story behind this. ... And I don’t mean... I don’t mean funny like ha-ha-ha funny, I mean... In your own time, please, mate.

& Rudy: No! I do not like that, man. He’ll go all zombie on us. You know what happened last time, pal.
    Finn: What happened last time?
    Rudy: We had to kill a shit load of cheerleaders. And a cat! I feel so bad about the cat still.

& Finn: You think I can’t club a zombie to death? You know the little thing at the fun fair with the little furry creatures that pop out of the holes and you have to pop, pop, pop, pop?
    Rudy: Hmm?
    Finn: Well, I’m a machine.

Ω S&it. They just killed Curtis. The last of mohicans. Shame.

---

& Jess: Mmm, that is good toast...
    Finn: It’s all about the butter distribution. I hate these tossers who just stick a big lump of butter in the middle. What do they think the knife’s for? Spread it. You need to get it right to the edges.

& Finn: Thank you very much. Jess loved my toast. My even butter distribution. And now it will forever be associated with the taste of your cock. You’ve... You’ve completely fucked it.
    Rudy: I hate to break it to you but the way to a girl’s heart is not through toast. It’s through inserting your penis into her vagina, mate!

& Lola: I used you. Deal with it.

& Rudy: My new room is crawling with slugs. And I think one’s gone up my anus, actually. I tried pouring some salt down there... My arsehole stings like a bastard.
    Finn: I’m not sure it’s designed to have salt up it.

& Rudy: I miss you.
    Finn: I miss you too.

& Greg: What was that?
    Curtis: What?
    Greg: There was a metallic bang, followed by an animalistic squeak.

& Greg: You like to squeal? I’ll make you squeal. I’ll make you squeal like you’re a cute little piglet that’s being raped by a bear.

& Greg: You’re a very attractive young man, but I’m your probation worker... Some things were just not meant to be. It is a cruel and bitter world.

& Rudy: Dude, you’re a fucking zombie, Curtis, shit!

& Finn: It’s Curtis! We can’t kill him! There must be something we can do.
    Rudy: That’s what they said about the Apollo 13 mission... No, wait, hang on... No, turns out there was, there was something they could do. Which is why this, mate, our situation is nothing like the Apollo 13 mission to the moon. It’s far worse!

& Jess: He’s right. We have to kill him before he infects us or someone else. It’s either that or we spend the rest of our short lives living in a post-apocalyptic, zombie-infested nightmare world. And it’s shit enough around here as it is.

& Rudy: Horrible, grievous... mate-killing situations like these are exactly why God invented straws.

& Rudy: Mate, it’s nothing personal. I drew the short straw, didn’t I?

& Rudy: Hiya, mate. How you doin’?
    Curtis: You mean apart from being a zombie?

& Rudy: Are you sure we can’t... manufacture some sort of an happy ending? Cos you know, you know I love them happy endings.
    Curtis: There ain’t no happy endings. It’s zombie noir, innit?

--
On the IMDb

Σ Soundtrack's great as usual. If there were nothing else, it's worth watching just for soundtrack.

So. They ought to return all the folks. One by one. Otherwise...

Misfits 4x3

& Jess: So if I’d have had sex with your dad, you wouldn’t sleep with me?
    Finn: Jesus. Now I’ve got an image of you having sex with me dad.
    Jess: Uh-huh.

& Finn: You could come over later and watch a DVD.
    Jess: You live in the Community Centre. I’m not going all the way home and coming back, again.
    Finn: You could not go home and watch a DVD...
    Jess: All right. Just as long as you’re not one of those man-child wankers who’s obsessed with Star Wars.
    Finn: It’s Harry Potter with me. You know what really intrigued me about the whole franchise?.. At what point does it become OK to want to fuck Hermione? Me? I’m a Goblet Of Fire man.

& Rudy Too: Do you want to be Rudy One, or do you want to be Rudy Two? I’ll be Rudy Too — spelled T, double O, because.. I am.

& Rudy Too: You don’t have a toothbrush.
    Rudy: I’m sharing with Finn.
    Rudy Too: Does he know that?
    Rudy: Does he need to know that?

& Lola: I like watching other people work.
    Curtis: You can take over if you like.
    Lola: Nah, I’m good, thanks... Now scrub the fucking wall!

& Rudy-3: You intrigue me.
    Jess: Just to restate the obvious, me and you is never going to happen.

& Finn: We forgot the remote control for the TV. There’s no remote.
    Jess: And to a guy, that’s like losing a testicle.
    Finn: It’s like losing three testicles.

& Jess: There’s no way you can just get up and walk over to the TV when you need to change channels?
    Finn: Is that a joke? This isn’t the ’70s.

---

& Lisa: You come in my mouth and then you go running back to your girlfriend!

& Rudy Too: What’s up with you?
    Rudy-3: It’s more a question of what’s in me.
    Rudy Too: Have you taken an E? You’re high enough as it is.

& Finn: I didn’t fuck her.
    Curtis: Who’s that?
    Jess: His stepmum. He’s a stepmother-fucker.
    Curtis: Oh, man!
    Finn: One, she isn’t me stepmum and two, I didn’t fuck her.
    Jess: She just sucked him off.
    Curtis: You’re a stepmother-sucker?
    Finn: One, I didn’t suck anything. Two, she’s a woman, she hasn’t got a penis.
    Jess: Oh, she’s the stepmother-sucker.
    Finn: No! One, she isn’t me stepmum. Two... Can we talk about something else?
    Curtis: So she did suck you off?

& Greg: What are you doing?
    Finn: Nothing. I wasn’t doing anything.
    Greg: Don’t lie to me. Because if there’s one thing I hate more than paedophiles... it’s liars.

& Greg: The magic word... is “potato”.
Ω Brilliant! They’re just geniuses.

& Finn: I tried to stop her! She’s on her knees, ramming my cock in her mouth like a starving African at a food camp... It sounds worse than it is.

& Jess: What’s happened to you? You changed.
    Rudy-3: I tell you what. I’ll show you mine, if you show me yours. And I’m talking secrets, rather than genitals.

& Jess: Why should I tell you anything?
    Rudy-3: What’s the point in talking if it’s just more bullshit?

& Jess: You’re different. What’s going on with you?
    Rudy-3: There’s three of me. There’s the two you’ve met already, and then there’s me. I’m a whole different person.

& Rudy-3: What does it feel like? To kill someone?
    Jess: It’s horrible.
    Rudy-3: Seriously? Where’s the fun in that?

--
On the IMDb

soundtrack

Misfits 4x2

& Finn: Imagine you were a heroin addict... People tie them up and keep them captive all the time. Think of it as going cold turkey. I mean, what you have is a disease. And I’m going to find a cure and when I do, we’ll look back on this and laugh.

& Finn: I am trying really hard to make this relationship work!.. Do you need the toilet before I go?

& Rudy: When I say hers, have you ever shagged an homeless girl?
    Curtis: No.
    Rudy: It’s like camping. Honestly, it reminded me of being a boy scout, looking up at the night sky, all the twinkling stars there... Well, she... Oh, she sat on my face.

& Rudy: Can I stay at yours for an indefinite period of time, rent free, please?

& Curtis: Maybe he was trying to hang himself.
    Finn: Why would I try and hang myself?
    Rudy: Because you are short. Don’t do it.

& Greg: This is a sculpting class for the blind. And you... God help them... will be their models.

& Curtis: There ain’t no law against shagging beautiful blind girls.

& Rudy: Settle it like gentlemen.
    Curtis: And how’s that?
    Rudy: A game of Penis-Scissors-Twat.
    Finn: Is that like Paper-Scissors-Stone?
    Rudy: They stole that from me.

& Jess: Can you please stop saying vagina?
    Finn: What do you call yours?

& Rudy: Best out of three. One, two, three! That’s the vagina, swallowing your scissors!

& Jess: He is fucking gorgeous.
    Rudy: Woah! Please! I find your objectification of men more than a little offensive.

& Rudy: I thought we really had a bit of a will-they-won’t-they, yeah-they-probably-will sort of thing going on.

& Jess: Are you actually mentally ill?
    Rudy: I could be. Is that your thing?

---

& Rudy: Invite me in, you prick!
    Finn: You’re not invited!
    Rudy: I’m inviting me.
    Finn: I’m uninviting you.
    Rudy: I’m reinviting me.
    Finn: Get off! Get off me. You’re on me!
    Rudy: Thank you. Invitation accepted.

& Rudy: The early bird catches the worm.

& Curtis: He shits in a bucket?!
    Rudy: Well, more to the point... what if it isn’t his shit?

& Greg: Are you questioning me? You don’t get to question me because as far as you’re concerned, I am God. And you know what happens when you fuck with God. There is an almighty shitstorm.

& Rudy: Ebony and ivory. Why can’t we all just stick together? In perfect harmony!

& Other-Rudy: Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
    Rudy: I believe I am, yeah. He is keeping a talking dog prisoner.

& Finn: I know it looks bad, keeping someone a prisoner like that, tying them up and making them shit in a bucket, but it’s not what you think.

& Finn: She’s got a power. She can make me into a perfect boyfriend. Whatever she said, whatever she told me to do, I did it. I stopped drinking, I stopped going out with my mates. All I cared about was making her happy, endless presents and flowers and pampering, the conversations. We had to discuss everything. My jaw physically ached from all the talking. That... and the hours of cunnilingus. I practically lived with my face between her thighs. Some days I felt like I didn’t see the sun.
    Rudy: Oh, man, that is just... There’s no man that could live like that.

& Rudy: You should probably know that the other me, he’s gone round your flat and he’s breaking into the room where you’ve got your girlfriend all tied up. You know... I thought it was a talking dog, me, haha!

& Robot voice: ’Help, I’m in here.’
    Other-Rudy: Are you a talking dog?

& Robot voice: ’We all die alone.’

& Finn: I don’t know what to do.
    Rudy: Hmm? Oh, come on! Look on the bright side. In the not too distant future, I’m pretty sure I am going to be having sex with a beautiful blind girl.

& Rudy: Oh! It’s a tragedy you’ve never seen them!
    Ally: Fuck me!
    Rudy: I will fuck you... in the words of Lionel Richie... “All night long.”

& Rudy: No, no, no. It doesn’t feel right. It doesn’t. What is all this about you being a racist?
    Ally: Oh... it’s just how I feel. ... I’m not going to change my beliefs for a shag!
    Rudy: All right. Well, that’s a shame, because I will not leave my cock in a racist vagina. Yeah, I’m a man of principle, love.

& Ally: Are you using Clingfilm from a bowl of dog food as a condom?
    Rudy: No, I am not using Clingfilm from a bowl of dog food as a condom!

& Jess: If the only way you two can make it work is either her using her power on you, or you keeping her tied up and making her shit in a bucket, you’re probably not meant for each other.

& Rudy: Nipples... Little pink devils.

& Sadie: You never listened. I only used my power on you because I had to!
    Finn: I’m a man! I’ve got testicles and free will! I’m sorry if that offends you!

& Finn: It’s my flat!
    Sadie: Your flat? I found it! I paid the deposit and the rent. I decorated it and cleaned it. I found all the furniture. I made it into our home. What did you do?!
    Finn: Provided the humour?

& Jess: So why does she think you’re a cunt, apart from the obvious?

& Curtis: It must have been the guide dog who told her I was black...
    Rudy: A racist, telepathic guide dog.

& Jess: It’s pretty amazing that they can do that.
    Rudy: Maybe a bit too amazing. I reckon some of them are faking it, you know.
    Curtis: Why would anyone fake being blind?
    Rudy: For the parking. That’s one, think about it...

& Lola: I’m a trainee probation worker.

& Jess: Every woman you see, they’re just a hole into which you can potentially insert your penis.
    Rudy: Three! There’s three bloody holes into which I could potentially insert me penis.
    Jess: How do we even belong to the same species?
    Rudy: As one wise twat once said, men are from Mars, and women... love penis.
    Jess: It’s “from Venus”.
    Rudy: Cha! Spot the lesbian.

--
On the IMDb

Such a soundtrack.

Misfits 4x1

& Curtis: Give me the mother-fucking case!
    Seth: Give me the case or I swear I will cave your fucking skull in!
    Rudy: I’m going to saw your fucking legs off you dick... Oh, shit!
    Jess: Me and you, we’re friends, we bonded... like the end of Titanic, remember? Come on. Give me the case!

& Finn: She can’t help it. Not since the stroke. That was a joke. Me mum hasn’t had a stroke! She did recently have a hysterectomy. Not a whole lot of laughs that week. Oh, my God. The crying! “They took my womanhood!” I was like, “Mum! Spare me the graphic, biological details.”

& Seth: You already lost a hand. There’s only so many limbs a guy can do without. Give me the combination for the briefcase and we can all go home and have a nice cup of tea.

& Rudy: I think we might have a problem.

& Rudy: Now you’ll have to excuse me though, cos I have very important probation worker business to attend to, for I am... a probation worker.

& Jess: Turns out the probation worker has someone locked in a freezer.
    Finn: Why would anyone hold someone captive in a freezer? I’m sure there’s a perfectly reasonable explanation for it.

& Finn: I was... just... getting a Bounty.
    Rudy: Whereas... I am eating a Cornetto... for I am a probation worker and that is what we eat.

& Finn: That’s a definite ball tightening moment.

& Seth: What’s going on?
    Rudy: Well either there’s a fire... or someone is attempting to fuck with us.

& Seth: The question is... how much is a bollock worth to you?

& Rudy: Imagine the bloke in the freezer is a giant shit. And over here, we have a great big fan. Shit and then you got the fan...

& Rudy: Prepare to be shocked. Surprised, and more than a little bit amazed.

& Seth: Some kid wanders into a minefield, ends up standing on a mine. If he moves, he’s dead. Kelly marches over, does her rocket science thing and defuses the mine.

& Rudy: Nachos... or a Twix? Sweet or savoury? It’s man’s eternal dilemma.

& Seth: Kelly’s fucking off her Community Service. We’re going to stay out there and... defuse landmines. She’s not coming back.
    Rudy: Who?
    Curtis: Kelly.
    Rudy: What?! She’s not coming back?! When was this decided? Do we not...? I mean, do we get a say in any...? I am shocked and I am reeling. I’m going to get some chocolate because I’m really upset.

& Seth: It’s got a combination lock.
    Rudy: Can we not just get a bloody big hammer and chisel and bust it open?
    Curtis: If you open it without the combination it activates one of these dye-pack things. It stains the money. It’s unusable.
    Rudy: Since when did you become such a bloody expert?
    Curtis: I watch a lot of heist movies.
    Rudy: I can’t get into them, there’s too many twists and turns. I like a nice, straightforward Western.

---

& Rudy: He makes cruel jokes about your girlfriend behind her back. It’s all this. “Her mouth is so massive, the only way you can shut her up is to wedge one of her tits in there, innit.”
    Seth: He said that about Kelly?!
    Rudy: Huh...
    Seth: Two-faced bastard.

& Rudy: How sneaky am I, eh? Shame on me. See, I think Curtis was in cahoots... Cahoots is a great word. I think Curtis was in cahoots with two other people, who just so happen to conveniently turn up at the Community Center this morning wearing their orange jumpsuits, claiming they’re on Community Service. Can you see where I’m going?
    Finn: You lost me at cahoots.

& Rudy: Sleepytime for bobos.

& Finn: Oh my God! What’s that?! There’s something moving in my hand.
    Jess: That’s my tit!
    Finn: Oh, sorry.
    Jess: Just stop touching my tits!!
    Finn: I was trying to find me phone.
    Jess: It’s not in my bra!

& Finn: This is probably all part of some elaborate initiation ritual, you know like in those posh, private schools where they toast crumpets and eat each other’s shit.
    Jess: You are so naive. You’re a paedophile’s wet dream. “Hey, little boy. Do you want to come with me into the bushes and suck on my cock-shaped lollipop?” ... What?!
    Finn: ..... Wasn’t in the bushes. It was at me uncle’s house...

& Finn: I’m joking.
    Jess: You prick! I thought you were being serious.
    Finn: Ouch! Jesus!
    Jess: You dick! Why would you do that?
    Finn: I was trying to lighten the mood.
    Jess: You think a story about you getting horribly raped by your uncle is going to lighten the mood?
    Finn: I’m just saying. It could be worse. You could be locked in a freezer with me imaginary, rapist uncle. Suddenly, things don’t seem quite so bad.

& Seth: I’ve done both bollocks, a couple of fingers and his bell-end.
    Rudy: What did he say?
    Seth: He said “ouch” and “fuck you”.

& Finn: Is it just me or is it reminding you of the end of Titanic?

& Finn: I always thought I’d die in a car crash. A silver Mercedes 300SL Gullwing. I’m off my head on prescription painkillers. Just finished getting sucked off by Angelina Jolie. I open me eyes and bang! I hit a tree, a big, fuck-off oak tree, on top of a hill, looking out at the sea. Angelina lives, but she’s horribly disfigured.

& Finn: Sadie?!
    Jess: Who’s Sadie?
    Finn: Me dog. If I die, who’s going to feed me dog?

& Jess: I’m not going to piss myself in front of you!
    Finn: What if we piss ourselves in front of each other?.. There’s no shame in that. Do you want to freestyle or do you want to synchronize, on the count of three?

& Finn: I really hope you don’t need a shit.

& Seth: What if they really are two innocent young offenders who just showed up here this morning to do their Community Service?
    Rudy: I believe you will find there’s no such thing as an innocent young offender, is there? Guilty!

& Jess: Why don’t you tell us what the fuck is going on? You can entertain us while we all slowly freeze to death.

Black Sabbath — Paranoid

♪ Finished with my woman ♪
♪ cos she couldn’t help me with my mind ♪

& Seth: Curtis is a dick. You?.. You’re different. I’ve always admired and respected you.
    Rudy: Am I shocked? Not really. Dude, do you... Do you think my cock looks like a tiny little slug?
    Seth: I think you have a fucking beautiful penis.
    Rudy: Thanks, mate. I am strangely blessed.
    Seth: D’you know what, I like you. I like you a lot. We should be best mates.
    Rudy: We are... we are so in tune, it’s scary. We’re like one cock with two minds.

& Rudy: I am not the guy who locked you in the freezer.
    Finn: Come on. Even I don’t believe that, and I can be incredibly naive.

& Rudy: It’s the storm. Always the storm.

& Curtis: Who are you?
    Greg: I’m your new probation worker.

& Greg: You cross me... and I will fuck you like you have never been fucked before. You will feel like you have been fucked by a train. Phu-phu, phu-phu, phu-phu, phu-phu-phu-phu.

& Jess: Are probation workers always that fucking creepy?
    Curtis: That’s definitely new.

& Finn: Why did he single me out? Why me?
    Rudy: Well, don’t sweat it, man. Chances are he’ll be dead by t’end of week.

--
On the IMDb

soundtrack

Misfits 3x8

Episode #3.8

& Medium guy: I’m getting a message from the spirit world... It’s for you. Does the name... Sally... mean anything to you? She wants to know... why? She just has to know why you did it.

& Simon: I think I’ve just seen a ghost.
    Rudy: Why would there be a goat in the community centre?
    Simon: I didn’t say a goat, I said a ghost, like the spirit of a dead person.
    Rudy: That makes more sense. Who ever heard of a goat, just hanging out in a community centre?

THE RAPTURE: Echoes

♪ The city breathing ♪
♪ the people churning ♪
♪ The conversating, ♪
♪ the price is what? ♪
♪ The conversating ♪
♪ This place is heaven ♪
♪ And if you see them... ♪

& Seth: I sold him the power to caffeinate beverages. It’s harmless.
    Kelly: There was a guy who could control cheese and he was a fucking psycho!

& Alisha: What are you doing?
    Rudy: Well, there’s no probation worker, so I thought fuck it, smash your way into vending machine, but it’s toughened glass! How desperate do they think people are to get a Twix? Stupid!

& Sally: Simon... Don’t tell the others you’ve seen me again. They wouldn’t understand. We’ll figure out why I’m here.

& Rudy: I’m Rudy. Aloha. It’s Hawaiian.

& Alisha: What’s it like? Being dead.
    Rachel: Well, the big news is there’s no God.
    Rudy: Ohh, ho-ho! Thank fuck for that! I might’ve done one or two things that weren’t exactly... Christian in the strictest sense of the word.
    Rachel: Well, none of it matters anyway, so...
    Rudy: Yeah, if there’s no God. That’s a result.

---

& Rachel: I dedicated my whole life to Him. I was always so good. I never swore or drank or took drugs. I never even kissed a boy. I was always just worrying about trying to do the right thing.
    Rudy: What’s the right thing? Mm? You know, is it right to sleep with your best friend’s mother?
    Curtis: ... No.

& Alisha: So, do you think this is why you came back, so you could do some stuff you missed out on?.. Well, you’re already dead. I don’t think it could hurt. You might actually enjoy it.
    Rudy: Would you like to see my penis?
    Rachel: ..... OK. Yeah. Fuck, yes!

& Kelly: Should’ve kept the desk.
    Seth: Why’s that?
    Kelly: So we could shag on it.

& Tony: Sally’s dead? How did she die? You killed her as well?!
    Rachel: They killed me, too. I’m a spirit like you. Can we have sex now, please?

& Rachel: Will you please have sex with me?
    Kelly: Are you going to shag a ghost? She’s fucking dead!
    Curtis: Only technically.
    Rudy: What would your mam say, eh, if she knew you were shagging a dead girl? You’re better than that, mate... I’ll do it. Come on.

& Sally: Come on, let’s go get a bottle of wine... Come on. Look, you killed me and put me in that freezer. The least you can do is have a drink with me.

& Sally: She’ll never know.

& Tony: Look at you. You’re out of control. Completely immoral. You’re feral*.
    Alisha: Right. All we have ever done is defend ourselves from you and every other fucker that’s tried to kill us. We’ve done our best, and if you’ve got a problem with that, then fuck you! Like you’re so perfect?! Sort your own shit out. I think we’ve done all right, considering.
    Rudy: I think we’ve done more than all right, love. Free chocolate!

& Tony: Will you... just stop hitting me!

Enya: Orinoco Flow

& Kelly: What are you doing?
    Rachel: This is why I came back... Revenge.

& Simon: This is where I go back. It all has to happen exactly like it happened.

& ’Pirate’: I am done working in a call centre. I want excitement and adventures. I’m gonna travel back in time... and become a pirate.
    Kelly: I’ve always wanted to shag a pirate.

& Kelly: Just go back and make Alisha fall in love with you all over again. Promise me, yeah?

& Alisha: This one time, she’s doing this boy I know in the back of her dad’s car. She gets off him and sits on the gear stick. She’s on there for, like, 20 minutes, literally... uh-uh-uh! Uh-uh-uh! Uh-uh-uh! .............
    Nathan: Try that in your driving test. You are definitely getting a fail. Or a pass. And maybe some kind of internal injury.

& Seth: So, what are you going to do with it?
    Simon: I’m going to make a girl fall in love with me.

& Rudy: So, hang on... So he’s got to go back in time, he’s got to fall in love with Alisha... then she dies... and they’re gonna be stuck doing it over and over again, for all eternity?
    Kelly: I think it’s dead romantic.
    Rudy: Is it, though?! Are we supposed to feel — happy or sad?
    Curtis: ... It’s a bit of both.

& Curtis: So, what do we do now?
    Kelly: Keep our heads down, finish community service and live happily ever after.
    Rudy: Yeah, well, I love a happy ending.

--
feral — одичавший; звериный; нецивилизованный

On Imdb.

And this was

The End of 3rd Series

Bye guys 'till Series 4. 'r waiting already.