Dirk Gently 1x3

& Macduff: ’Notice of eviction’? That’s a new one, isn’t it?
    Dirk: Yes it is. You’ll have to create a whole new pile, right next to the ’Final demands.’

& Macduff: What are you looking for?
    Dirk: My passport. I feel that the solution will found on the beach of other country, preferably one that has no extradition treaty.

& Melinda: Mr Gently?
    Dirk: Er, yes. Please. This is my assistant Macduff.
    Macduff: Partner.
    Dirk: Assistant Partner.

& Dirk: Miss Fulstone, I am very eager to hear what brought you to our humble office this morning. I am unusual in that my mind works much better when in motion, blood pumping to the brain as it were. Perhaps you’d care to join us for a brisk stroll across our roof?
    Melinda: What the hell. Why not?

& Dirk: My brain’s working well, but to give your case the attention it deserves, what do you say we get the blood really pumping?
    Melinda: I’m in game.

& Dirk: Come on you, beautiful bitch! Not you.

& Dirk: Now I’ve met Miss Fulstone in the flesh...
    Macduff: You fancy her.
    Dirk: She does has certain physical and facial characteristics that evolution has deemed to be more alluring to prospective mates, yes.

& Macduff: Do you know how much smoother your life would run if you just paid people occasionally?
    Dirk: Oh, Macduff, the situation has gone way beyond mere money. I haven’t paid her for a year. Most people would have quit by now. But not Elena. Oh, no. She’s Eastern European. Hardy. Probably distantly related to the Borgias. She continues to come here for two hours every day, stubbornly avoiding doing anything resembling actual cleaning. In retaliation, I have, of course, become messier and messier. It’s like a surreal horror movie for OCD sufferers. With Elena as the vampiric witch of the piece. ... But she’s got a heart of gold really. Salt of the Earth. Lovely woman. Oh, hello!

---

& DI Gilks: I am so glad you’ve decided to forgo legal representation. It makes things so much simpler.
    Dirk: On the contrary. I’m representing myself.
    DI Gilks: As I said. Simple.

& Dirk: ’My client’ resents the slanderous implication that he’s so incompetent that he couldn’t commit a couple of simple murders.
God, you really don’t make it easy to help you, do you?

& Macduff: Can we please, just for once, act like regular detectives?.. And if you need to justify that to yourself, just look at me now, here, in this moment, getting angry as just another little part of the whole web of interconnected cause and effect.
    Dirk: That actually makes sense.

& Dirk: I vividly remember his threats toward me from the dock. Very colourful. Very specific about certain body parts being inserted inside other body parts.

& Robbie Glover: We call ourselves From Jail To Jesus.

& Glover: Do you have faith? Do you believe in anything?
    Dirk: Yeah, I believe in things. Yeah, I believe in... The laws of physics, most of the time. I believe that everyone and everything is interconnected in a way that isn’t always immediately apparent. And I also believe... that one day we will all be brought to account. A reckoning that I have tried to avoid my whole life. Because I know I will be found wanting when I finally meet... the Inland Revenue.

& DI Gilks: I was wondering how long it’d take you to remember your latest client.
    Dirk: How... did you... know... about her?
    DI Gilks: I’m a detective, Gently. You should try it.

& Macduff: Why are we still here?
    Dirk: Because we’re looking for the mystery stalker.
    Macduff: You’re the stalker!
    Dirk: I know!

& DI Gilks: Most people, they don’t get a second chance like this, Gently. I implore you, please... Mess it up.
    Dirk: I shall endeavor... to disappoint you.

& DI Gilks: Having a bit of a clear out?
    Dirk: No, this is a Feng shui approach I’m trialing, clear office, clear mind.

& Dirk: Macduff! What are doing here?
    Macduff: You called me.
    Dirk: I did? I did!

& Macduff: I thought this case was closed?
    Dirk: Well, from a strictly Newtonian view of the universe, yes. But from a quantum perspective, possibly not.
    Macduff: Wow. You really are desperate for work aren’t you?. Trying to unsolve a case.

& Dirk: I don’t believe that Robbie is the killer... The events that lead us to uncover his guilt felt a little too direct. My methods usually necessitate, no, demand more circuitous routes. Involving the sudden convergence of seemingly disparate threads.
    Macduff: So you think Robbie isn’t the killer because we easily found evidence to suggest he is the killer.
    Dirk: Exactly!

& Dirk: What?!
    Macduff: Nothing. Just you babbling nonsense. Me popping your ego. I’ve missed this. Not enough to come back but... you know.

& The Cleaner: You made a mess. I hate the mess.

& Dirk: If you wanted a pay rise, you just had to ask!

& Macduff: Your cleaner’s codename was The Cleaner?
    Dirk: I know. These cold-blooded killers, no imagination.

& Dirk: Look. Wanted by the FBI and Interpol. And check out the reward.
    Macduff: That’s nice. That’s Hawaiian beach nice.

& DI Gilks: So ultimately, this whole thing was caused by your cheapness? I think the universe is trying to tell you something, Gently...
    Macduff: Well, you could also argue that his cheapness saved us this evening. If he’d paid his plumber, then there’d be no hole in the floor and we wouldn’t be alive.
    DI Gilks: ... You two deserve each other.

--
On the IMDb

Σ Canceled? That’s a pity. Missing a Thor and all that stuff. People demand to continue the show. The Show must go on!

Dirk Gently 1x2

& Professor Jericho: Dirk Gently and Richard...
    Macduff: Richard MacDuff, partner.
    Dirk: Assistant.

& Jericho: Shake hands with our new guests, Elaine.
    Dirk: ... That is both amazing and frightening.

& Dirk: I have let you down before, Professor. If there was a God, which we, as men of science, surely cannot accept, I would swear to him that I will not fail you again.

& Macduff: What’d I miss?
    Dirk: Only the creation of artificial life.
    Macduff: Ooh.

& Jericho: Have you found her?
    Dirk: Not exactly.
    Jericho: Either you have or you haven’t.
    Dirk: I would have thought a scientific mind such as your own would accept there is often a grey area in-between...

& Macduff: You don’t like my mum?
    Susan: Richard, nobody likes your mother.
    Macduff: Yeah, I suppose she is uniquely unlikable.

& Jane: I find you odd, but strangely alluring.

& Macduff: Suspicious. You don’t think he had anything to do with it, do you?
    Dirk: People who are guilty of murder tend to be better at hiding their guilt.
    Macduff: Well, he did something.
    Dirk: The question is not so much what he did, but how it relates to everything else.

& Macduff: That’s a funny story. Not funny, ha-ha, obviously. But...

---

& Macduff: What if he’s the killer?
    Dirk: Then we have him cornered.
    Macduff: And that’s a good idea, is it? Corner a killer in a dark basement?

& Dirk: Where is David Cho?
    Macduff: Are you some kind of industrial spy?
    Noel: No, I’m not a spy! I’m an orc.
    Macduff: As in a medieval creature from a fantasy novel? You’re going to have to do better than that.

& Macduff: So the robot’s still missing, Jericho is dead, and we’re on a ghost hunt. Brilliant!
    Dirk: We’re not on a ghost hunt, Macduff. No such thing, a ghost.
    Macduff: So we’re wandering up and down corridors. Even better.

& Macduff: What are you doing?
    Dirk: It’s supposed to be a filing cabinet, but there are no files. When is a filing cabinet, not a filing cabinet?
    Susan: This is bollocks.
    Dirk: I actually prefer the term applied quantum mechanics.

& Susan: That’s disturbing on so many levels.

& Jane: So I know what holistic therapy is, and holistic education and holistic medicine, but what’s a holistic detective?
    Dirk: Well, quantum mechanics suggests...
    Jane: Everything is interconnected... Indeed, so... by following a causal thread, however tangential, you will ultimately and inevitably arrive at the solution to the crime.
    Dirk: Right, if you already knew...
    Jane: Sorry! I think faster than I can speak, so I’m always answering my own questions. It’s exhausting for me. It must be profoundly annoying for everyone else. It’s brilliant, by the way. A holistic detective agency. The whole thing. You. You’re brilliant.

& Fish & Chip Proprietor: That’s ₤29.30, please.
    Jane: Oh, I don’t have any money.
    Proprietor: What?!
    Jane: I could write you an IOU. You taking the piss? What do you do in these situations?
    Dirk: I believe the proprietor of a chip shop will have eaten far too many chips, thus hindering his athletic prowess.
    Proprietor: What are you saying?
    Dirk: In Layman’s terms, what I’m saying is... Run!

& Dirk: Coincidence can be a brutal thing.

& Dirk: In my experience, whilst it’s rarely acceptable for a man to surprise a woman with a kiss, men rarely raise objection when women do the same. As in the case in this instance.

& Jane: You think I’m a computer?
    Dirk: Our brains are made up of synapses, that are either open or closed. Thoughts are just many ones and zeros. Consciousness itself is just... a stream of binary code. You’re not a computer. You’re something new, and very special.

& Susan: Are you really saying you’d choose Dirk over me?
    Macduff: No. I’m saying I don’t want to HAVE to choose! I want you both you! Not in the same way, obviously!

& Dirk: So I suspect you will be wanting your old job back, Macduff?
    Macduff: Two things. One, I never resigned. Two, I’m your partner, so I don’t need to ask you if I can come back.
    Dirk: Apology accepted. You can resume your duties immediately. We’ll be requiring tea.
    Macduff: OK, two things. One, I never apologized. Two... I’ll make you a cup of tea, but only because I want one too.

--
IMDb

Σ Dirk is not any holistic in this particular episode.

Dirk Gently 1x1

& Dirk: Accidentally kill a man’s wife and there’s a 30% chance he’ll be forever grateful. Accidentally combust a man’s sniffer dog and he’ll never forgive you.

& Macduff: Why is someone sending you a Valentine’s card in April?
    Dirk: The question is, who is sending me a Valentine’s Day card in April, and what are the series of interconnected events that have led this woman to fall completely and hopelessly in love with me?

& Dirk: I was using a technique known as Zen navigation. There’s a school of thought that says when hopelessly lost, you should consult a map. My own strategy is to find someone who looks like they know where they’re going and follow them. I rarely end up where I was intending to go but I often end up somewhere I needed to be.

& Kate Edwards: Would you be prepared to continue your investigation? What was my husband paying you?
    Dirk: Fi... six, seven, seven ₤700 per day, plus all reasonable expenses. Rest assured, Mrs Edwards, the web of interconnected events will undoubtedly lead us to your husband’s killer.

& Kate Edwards: Can you be discreet, Mr Gently?
    Dirk: I stake my reputation on it. In fact, I have been known to be so discreet that even my clients doubt I’m working on their case.

& Dirk: I’m convinced the answer to the case lies somewhere on the wall. As ever, we are to trust in chance, randomness and chaos to solve the case. Wherever the dart lands in this wall, will form the starting point of our investigation. ... It sometimes takes several attempts to achieve total randomness.

& Dirk: Why would anyone want to invade Switzerland?

& Macduff: They’re still there, Dirk.
    Dirk: Just relax.
    Macduff: I am relaxed.
    Dirk: Relax more.

---

& Dirk: You think our meeting like this can be explained by your horoscope?
    Oliver Reynolds: Well, how else would you explain it? {...}
    Dirk: You’re suggesting that the movements of planets, billions of light years away, are somehow determining your actions? You realise that’s completely impossible?

& Macduff: So now we’re charging two clients to investigate the same case? That has to go against our code of conduct. Do we have a code of conduct?
    Dirk: Of course, we don’t. It’s you. They’re clearly not the same case. Ms Reynolds asked us to find out whether her husband is cheating. Mr Reynolds asked us to find out why his horoscope is seemingly coming true. The two cases are undoubtedly connected, but they are not the same case, as is clearly demonstrated by the fact that they have separate files, and they are both inextricably linked to Mr Edwards, as clearly demonstrated by the fact they reside in the same filing cabinet

& Macduff: So what’s the connection? {...}
Dirk: If the connections were that simple, any idiot could set themselves up as a holistic detective.
    Macduff: Oh, really?

& Dirk: Conspiracy theories and horoscopes are all a product the same ill-conceived desire to impose order on the world. What their proponents fail to understand is that we must embrace chaos if we are to come to an understanding of the world in all its complexity.

& Macduff: Why are we here? How is this getting us any closer to Mr Edwards’ killer?
    Dirk: Well, that’s the beauty of holistic detection, MacDuff. We’re getting closer, even when it appears we are moving further away.

& Dirk: Where’s the front door?
    Macduff: What?
    Dirk: The front door. We’ve got to get out of here.
    Macduff: I thought we were looking for the killer.
    Dirk: No, we’re running away from the killer.
    Macduff: Are we chasing the killer, or is the killer chasing us?
    Dirk: Why would we chase the killer?

& Macduff: We’re not going to the police, are we?
    Dirk: No, we’re following that white car.
    Macduff: Of course we’re following that white car. In an emergency, follow a white car. Why are we following a white car?
    Dirk: Because it looks like he knows where he’s going. Zen navigation.

& Macduff: I think the guy we followed knows we’re following him.
    Dirk: Then I imagine he’s rather paranoid.

& Janice: That crazy horoscope guy is here to see you!
    Dirk: Then show him in!
    Janice: You show him in!
    Dirk: I believe we have already discussed my inability to show someone in when I am already in myself!

& Macduff: Could we please just pay her wages?
    Dirk: If we pay her wages, then she will no longer turn up to work in the futile hope that one day we will pay her wages. Do I have to think of everything?

& Dirk: I believe we are having the sort of day that would make even Mother Teresa kick babies.

--
On the Imdb.

Dirk Gently 1x0

Pilot

& Dirk: As I explained when we spoke on the phone, my methods of detection are based on an almost unswerving belief in the fundamental interconnectedness of all things. As anyone who follows the principles of quantum mechanics to their logical extremes cannot help but accept... Ah, it’s lovely tea.

& Dirk: My methods invariably necessitate a variety of expenses that, to the untrained eye, may appear somewhat tangential. I assure you these expenses are essential and non-negotiable and payable in advance, naturally.
    Mrs Jordan: ... I see you’re charging me for the purchase of a new refrigerator.
    Dirk: I no longer have access to my old refrigerator.

& Dirk: Pick up the phone. Pick... Up... The... Phone! Rule one of housebreaking, never answer the phone when you’re in the middle of a job.
        Rule two. Preparation is everything.
        Rule three, never show your face at the window.

& Dirk: You’ll have to let me know if I can be of any assistance. My fees are almost ridiculously modest.

& Macduff: Looking for Dirk. Is he in?
    Janice: He might be. Then again he might not be.

& Macduff: University said you’d been expelled for cheating!
    Dirk: Yes, I understand that was the official explanation. I wouldn’t choose to believe it myself.

& Macduff: So, how on earth did you end up becoming a private detective?
    Dirk: Have you heard of Schrodinger’s cat?
    Macduff: Should I have?
    Dirk: It’s an experiment devised by the eminent Doctor Schrodinger to investigate probability.
    Macduff: I’m guessing it involves a cat.
    Dirk: You take said cat and you place it in a sealed box, along with a small lump of radioactive material and a phial of mildly poisonous gas. Within a given period of time there’s an exactly 50:50 chance that an atom in the radioactive lump will decay and emit an electron, triggering the release of the gas, rendering the cat unconscious.
    Macduff: Is that even ethical?
    Dirk: Some would say not. Anyhow, on one occasion, Doctor Schrodinger and his colleagues opened the box and discovered that the cat was neither conscious, nor unconscious, but was, in fact... Completely... Missing. I was called in to investigate. {...} One thing led to another and it all culminated in the thriving career you see before you.

---

& Macduff: Do you think we should talk to the police?
    Dirk: As any Irishman will tell you when things start exploding, it’s best to avoid the police at all costs.

& Dirk: Do you not find it at all curious that both Gordon Way and Henry the cat disappeared on the same day?
    Macduff: What, you think Gordon Way is somehow involved with Henry?
    Dirk: I know nothing of Gordon Way’s sexual proclivities, feline or otherwise. Let us hope Doctor Gerstenberger can shed some light on the matter.

& Susan: So what can I do for you?
    Dirk: Oh, well, I seem to have developed a slight twinge in my shoulder.
    Susan: I see! If you could just lower your trousers and pants...
    Dirk: You, you understand the twinge is in my shoulder?
    Susan: That’s the thing with the human body. Everything’s connected.
    Dirk: ... Right.

& Mrs Jordan: You think he has something to do with Henry going missing?
    Dirk: I’d say yes, in that every particle in the universe affects, however faintly and obliquely, every other particle. I find this to be particularly true when those particles are arranged in the form of a cat.

& Dirk: Detective Inspector Gilks! What a pleasant and unexpected surprise.

& DI Gilks: Why are you even in the vicinity of one of my crime scenes, Gently? And think very carefully before you answer, because... if you so much as mention the interconnectedness of all things, I’ll have you arrested under the anti-terror laws.
    Dirk: Actually, I’m looking for a cat!

& Dirk: Come on, you beautiful bitch!

& Dirk: Henry isn’t missing. He never was. He’s always been here with you. Henry was born in 2007 and he died in 2006. He had 14 happy years in between.

& Dirk: I am curious about one thing, Mrs Jordan... What caused you to murder your husband?

& Macduff: Expenses? What expenses?
    Dirk: A most intriguing case, Macduff. I have plotted and triangulated the vectors of all the various events and occurrences and traced them to a five-star hotel in Barbados!

--
On the Imdb.

Σ Spectacular. Especially considering on what basis it has been established.