Louis C.K. at the Dolby (2023)

Louis CK: There's lots of kinds of confidence. There's personal confidence. I don't have much of that. That's... Personal confidence is like a man wearing white pants. That takes, you know... tremendous confidence and optimism, really... to leave the house in white pants like it's gonna be a great day. There's gonna be no puddles or pizza, nothing.

Louis CK: Here's another kind-- moral confidence. Moral confidence. That means knowing that you would do the right thing, knowing that you wouldn't do something wrong. Moral confidence. You can have that in your daily life because a lot of your days are the same. But what if you were in another time? Like, I would love to believe, I feel confident that I would not have had slaves. I wouldn't have done it. I wouldn't have done it. I wouldn't have had any. Even if I lived in 17-whatever in Virginia and all my neighbors had slaves, I would have been like, "You guys are dicks." I can say that. But it's easy to say that now because you can't get no slaves. You just can't-- You can't get any. That's why you don't have slaves. It's not because you're better than back-then people. It's because they're not available. That's a huge contributing factor. It's not a decision you need to make every day, like you're carrying your groceries.

Louis CK: It's not like they have slaves at Home Depot. I mean, they kind of do, but, yeah... there are some forms of kind of slavery.

Louis CK: How early did we come up with this? Like, from the beginning of human existence, we evolved, you know, through ideas. We were a scared, naked ape, and then we were like, "Make a fire. That's a good idea. Kill an animal and take his fur. That's a good idea. Plant things and then wait. That's a good idea." But really quickly we came up with, "Just make them fucking do it. I'm not doing anything. I'm doing nothing. Make them fucking do it." That was, like, our third thing we did on Earth.

Louis CK: It's true. It said, "Auschwitz" with a blue check. So it was like, "Oh, cool. It's really them," you know? And they tweeted like, "That's not funny." Why is the death camp tweeting? Who's running the social accounts at Auschwitz?

Louis CK: You know what I was thinking about today? I was thinking about Jesus... I was. Today. I was thinking about Jesus. And after I came... I... I thought, "Well, I feel sorry for Jesus." That's how I feel.

Louis CK: This is a book about Jesus. Actually, only this much is about Jesus. Only that-- just that part. The rest of it is just the Jews going like, "And then we walked for 50 years in the desert. And we only had a little bit of oil. It was difficult." It's just... It's fucking verbose. Just Jews. It just goes on and on. "And then Jacob bought a goat, and... And Abraham lived to be 800."

Louis CK: The Jews in the early chapters are all, like, 800 years old. And then God was like, "I can't with these fucking Jews for 800 years. Heart disease starts today."

Louis CK: So that's them. And that's Jesus. This little part's Jesus. And the weird part is, it's not all-- Like, it's all the same story over and over again. They tell the same story about Jesus' life over. First Matthew tells it, and then Mark is like, "Dude, that's not what-- You're fucking drunk. Here's what happened. I'll tell you what happened. Hey, Paul. You weren't even here. Shut the fuck up."

Louis CK: Nothing's true in here. But... I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. I don't fucking know. What do I know? I wasn't there. I'm just trying to make it clear that I didn't make it up. They did.

Louis CK: Okay, here's the story. This is Mark Chapter 11. It's when Mark went broke...

Louis CK: That's really what happened. He got a little shitty. A little big, you know. He went to Jerusalem. That's a big town for a boy from Galilee. And he didn't just walk into Jerusalem. He walked in, and his friends were like, "King of the Jews, y'all! King of the motherfucking Jews!" The Jews didn't like that. The Jews were like, "Not my president. Whatever," you know. So they nailed him to a cross. This is what they did.

Louis CK: God doesn't hate you 'cause you're gay. God made you gay 'cause he hates you... No. I'm just kidding. I'm kidding. There's no God.

Louis CK: But you know who I feel sorry for? Who I really feel sorry for is a gay man's sperm. Just think about that... That's a tough destiny. Being a sperm inside of a gay man, that's hard luck. 'Cause if you're gay, that's great. But your sperm is not gay...

Louis CK: Why? What the fuck for, the long life? You can live too long, I think. You can live too long. Some people are 100. Get the fuck out of here! Nobody knows you.

Louis CK: There's always an oldest person. And sometimes you read about them because the other one just died. That's when they tell you that there's a new oldest person. Last one I read about was 114. 114! He's a teenager after 100. You know what that means? That means he's got a kid who's like, 92... who's like, "Please fucking die. I'm just hanging around so I can have one week without you in it."

Louis CK: Here's the bad news-- You're gonna die. Here's the good news-- When you get closer, you're gonna want to fucking die. It doesn't keep being good. You don't get to keep your life the way it is. Like, I'm 55. Both hands hurt. Both hands. Both my hips hurt. I'm lucky I have only one asshole. The whole fucking body hurts.

Louis CK: There are signs that your time is coming to an end, you know? Like-- Like they don't make my shampoo anymore. They don't make it. It's like, why'd you stop? Like, you're the only one. Nobody fucking cares about you.

Louis CK: I decided to stop exercising. That's what I decided this year. I'm just not doing it anymore. I made it to 55. If I stop exercising now, it just means I might make 75 instead of 78. It's not that big a fucking deal. I'm just not gonna do it.

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Chris Rock: Selective Outrage (2023)

&  I'mma try to do a show. ... I'mma try to do a show tonight without offending nobody, okay? I'mma try my best. You know why? 'Cause you never know who might get triggered.

&  You know what people say. They always say, uh, "words hurt." That's what they say. You gotta watch what you say. 'Cause words hurt. You know anybody that says words hurt has never been punched in the face.

&  Everybody scared. If you a certain age and you go to work, you are fucking scared. In the old days, if somebody wanted your job, they just worked harder than you. Now, somebody wants your job, they just wait for you to say some dumb shit.

&  I have no problem with the wokeness. I have no problem with it at all. I'm all for social justice. I'm all for, for marginalized people getting their rights. The thing I have a problem with is the selective outrage.

&  Everybody, you know what I'm talking about? One person does something, they get cancelled. Somebody else does the exact same thing... No. You know what I'm talking about.

&  Everybody's full of shit. Motherfuckers typing out woke ass tweets on a, on a phone made by child slaves.

&  Lululemon, I walk by and in the window of every Lululemon, there's a sign that says, "We don't support racism, sexism, discrimination, or hate." And I'm like, "Who gives a fuck?" You're just selling yoga pants. I don't need your yoga pants politics. Tell me how you work on ball sweat.

&  Fucking Lululemon. "We don't support racism, sexism, discrimination, or hate." They sell $100 yoga pants. $100 yoga pants! They hate somebody. They hate the poor. $100 yoga pants?

&  They don't sell $100 yoga pants. They sell $100 non-racist yoga pants. I think I speak for the entire audience tonight when I say most people in this crowd would prefer a pair of $20 racist yoga pants.

&  They say we're addicted to opioids, but opioids are not the biggest addiction in America. No. Not even close, man. The biggest addiction in America is attention.

&  We are addicted to attention. Can't get enough attention. Feening for likes. Just feening. We used to want love. Now, we just want likes.

&  And how do you get attention? Four easy ways to get attention. Number one easiest way to get attention, show your ass.

&  Number three easiest way to get attention, that's right, to be excellent. That's right. Like Serena Williams, greatest tennis player to ever play the game. Absolutely excellent! Being excellent will get you attention, but it's hard being excellent. You gotta get up in the morning. You gotta work out. You gotta practice. It is much easier to show your ass.

&  And the number four easiest way to get attention, number four, is to be a victim. Ooh.

&  There are real victims in this world. There are people that have gone through unspeakable trauma, and they need your love, your support, and they need your care. But if everybody claims to be a victim when the real victims need help, ain't nobody gonna be there to help them, okay? And right now, we live in a world where the emergency room is filled up with motherfuckers with paper cuts.

&  Everybody is trying to be a victim. Like, what's this girl Meghan Markle? Seemed like a nice lady. Just complaining. I was like, "Didn't she hit the light-skinned lottery?" Hit the fucking light-skinned lottery, and still going on complaining.

&  The fuck? She said, "They're so racist. They're so racist." Some of that shit she went through was not racism! It was just some in-law shit. And sometimes it's just some in-law shit!

&  She's complaining, and I'm like, "What the fuck is she talking about?" "Oprah, they're so racist! They wanted to know how brown the baby was gonna be. ..." I'm like, "That's not racist!" 'Cause even Black people wanna know... how brown the baby gonna be!

&  I know what she going through. I know what Meghan Markle's going through. I-I know her dilemma. Black girl trying to be accepted by her white in-laws. Oh, it's hard. ... It's so hard. It's very hard! But it ain't as hard as a white girl trying to be accepted by her Black in-laws. Now, that shit is really hard.

&  Shit, you bring a white girl home for Thanksgiving, your momma gonna say something. Your momma's like, "Why is there a social worker at the table?" Like, "Momma, that's Jackie! We've been married nine years! You got three grandchildren! Stop being so mean!" "You know I'm playing, right, Jackie? Just give me time."

&  Robert Kardashian helped to free O.J. Simpson, a Black, football playing murderer! Whoo! O.J. Simpson killed two white people and got away with it. That's another kind of Black excellence. That's way before Wakanda.

&  O.J. left the court, got in his Bronco, drove away. And soon as O.J. drove away, God appeared. And God walked up to Robert Kardashian and God said, "Robert Kardashian! For the sin of helping to free O.J. Simpson, a Black, football-playing murderer, from this day forth, for the rest of eternity, till the end of time, your daughters will fuck nothing but niggas! And not just any niggas, crazy niggas. The craziest niggas to ever live."

&  America, America's in bad shape right now, man. America's in horrible shape. We got it worse than Ukraine. Yeah, I said it. You know why? 'Cause Ukraine is united and America is clearly divided. ... Our shit is so screwed up right now, if the Russians came here right now, half the country would go, "Let's hear 'em out."

&  We in a bad place, man. Republicans lie... Biggest liars in the world. Republicans lie, and Democrats leave out key pieces of the truth... that would lead to a more nuanced argument.

&  Pro-life, pro-choice, what are you, what are you? I have two beautiful daughters. I have two beautiful daughters, right? And... So, there's a part of me... There's a part of me that's pro-life, okay? 'Cause I'm definitely pro their lives.

&  But since I love my daughters unconditionally-- I love them not just as little girls, I love them as grown women. I want my daughters to live in a world where they have complete control of their bodies, okay? And because of that, I am pro-choice. I am absolutely pro-choice, okay? I believe women should have the right to kill babies...

&  I'm on your side. I believe you should have the right to kill as many babies as you want. Kill 'em all, I don't give a fuck. But let's not get it twisted, it is killing a baby.

&  And people argue first trimester, second trimester. First trimester, second trimester. I think women should have the right to kill a baby until it's four years old.

&  I'm pro right choice. I'm pro good choice. I'm pro practical choice. Like, ladies... Ladies, listen to me. If you have to pay for your own abortion, you should get an abortion.

&  You know, whenever some kid goes crazy at a school, they always say, "No child... No child is born is racist. No child is born hating. You have to teach a child to hate. All children are good. All children are born pure." You know, only people without kids say dumb shit like that.

&  Kids are the meanest motherfuckers on the face of the earth. They're the most racist, sexist, homophobic, fat-a-phobic, will-say-anything-to-your-face motherfuckers on Earth, okay?

&  I love my kids. I love my kids, but I don't like them. I don't like my kids.

&  Now I'm single and here's the crazy thing. You don't even realize all the amazing little things a woman does for you 'til you don't have one. You don't even realize 'em. Women do so many things that you don't even realize.

&  Y'all know what happened to me. Getting smacked by Suge Smith. Everybody knows. Everybody fucking knows. Yes! It happened. I got smacked like a year ago, fucking last week, I got smacked at the fucking Oscars by this motherfucker. And people like, "Did it hurt?" It still hurts.

&  I got "Summertime" ringing in my ear. Fucking drums, please. But I'm not a victim, baby. You will never see me on Oprah or Gayle crying. You will never see it. Never gonna happen. I couldn't believe it and I love Men in Black. No. It's never gonna happen. No.

&  ... Shit, even in animation, this motherfucker is bigger. I am zebra. He's a shark. What the fuck, man? But... But, Will Smith practices selective outrage. Practices. Selective. Outrage.

&  A lot of people go, "Chris, how come you didn't do nothing back. How come you didn't do nothing back that night?" 'Cause I got parents. That's why. 'Cause I was raised, okay? I've got parents. You know what my parents taught me... Don't fight in front of white people.

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On the IMDb

Werewolf by Night (2022)

Ulysses Bloodstone: Good luck. I'll be rotting for you.

Jack Russell: I suggest we just pass each other by.
Elsa Bloodstone: What?
Jack Russell: I suggest we just pass each other by.

Jack Russell: I understand. It must be complicated to grow up with this family.
Elsa Bloodstone: You have no idea about my family, none.
Jack Russell: I don't... I can tell you my family was different. But all families have something in common. They follow us. For good, for bad. They stay, like they become an atmosphere. And sometimes, we think that by doing something very specific, we can change everything, and not be like them. Or sometimes, they're just a pain in the ass that we have to save all the time. I don't know. It's complicated.

Elsa Bloodstone: Ted?... You have a lovely name.

Jack Russell: Man, I cannot think of food right now. I'm... Let's do sushi. I owe you that. Yes... Yeah, you choose. Yeah.

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The Guardians of the Galaxy Holiday Special (2022)

Thor: Love and Thunder (2022) <<

Kraglin: ... And that's how Yondu ruined Christmas forever.

Peter: Oh. Hi, Bzermikitokolok.

Mantis: You're coming with us.
Drax: As a Christmas present.

Mantis: Drax, do you love Peter and want to save Christmas? Or do you want a little funny man?
Drax: Uh....... A little funny man.

Mantis: Drax! You can't just kill people.
Drax: Well, how am I supposed to know the rules if no one tells me?

Mantis: We are not doing anything wrong. We are just taking the legendary hero Kevin Bacon, to give him as a present to a friend who is sad about Christmas.

Drax: Tell us, what was it like when you had to save a small town by dancing like an idiot?

Mantis: He's an actor! He's never actually saved anyone.
Drax: But actors are repugnant!
Mantis: I know! They make me feel gross and creepy when they pretend to be someone else.

Drax: We got Quill the worst gift ever. A disgusting actor!
Mantis: This is the worst day of my life!
Drax: We ruined Christmas worse than Yondu.

Drax: It's Kevin Bacon. He's not a loser. He's great. We don't hate him at all.

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Whitney Cummings: Jokes (2022)

& Dating an older man is now considered creepy. I think it was 'cause of all that sexual harassment news. Now it's, like, creepy to date older guys. You're not creepy, sir, it's not you. It's not you specifically. It's just everything your generation made is a little sketchy.

& I always thought that was weird until I thought through it. "Why don't I get down on one knee and propose?" And then I realized why 'cause I thought it through, right? .....

& ... And I realized that if you're a woman proposing to a man, you have to open with something completely different than the guys open. I would have to open with, "If you take your dick out right now, I will fucking kill you."

& "I would never suck your dick on one knee because I know you would think about Colin Kaepernick, and we can't both be doing that."

& ... Then I would just go into my romantic speech. I'd be like, "Alex, will you make me the happiest woman in the world and let me buy my own engagement ring? 'Cause you can't afford the one I deserve."

& Has anyone done a 23andMe test? Yeah? How'd it go?... You're 10% Native American, but you didn't know that? Your kids will be getting into college, so congratulations. You have that.

& As soon as my friends become parents, they get freaked out about technology. Mostly the phones, that's every conversation I have with parents now. They're like, "These kids, now they're on their phones eight hours a day. Kids are on their phones all day long now." I'm like, "Good. We've finally figured out a way to shut them the fuck up."

& "Why… Why are you complaining about this miracle in your living room?" They're like, "Whitney, because the phones are dangerous for the kids." Eh… Are they? Is anything more dangerous for the kids than what we played on? You want to put your kids on the shit we played on when we were children? Okay, great, why don't you put your kid on a merry-go-round?

& We used to play on something called a seesaw. It's a piece of wood on a hinge. The main objective was just to catapult the other child… into the air. And we were such homicidal psychopaths. If you were the kid that was on the bottom, you'd be like, "I wonder what would happen if I just jumped off this?"

& I have a goddaughter, she's five. I went to her playground. If you've been to a playground recently, you know playgrounds are totally-- You know, playgrounds now, they're, like, mushy? Did you know that playgrounds have shade? Dude, we had a slide made out of sheet metal. It would bake in the hot sun. Dude, you'd get down on it. It was like a hot skillet. You'd go down that slide, like… We'd be squealing like pigs. Frying our assholes!

& You cannot argue that kids are not physically safer than they've ever been. Like, kids don't get injured the way we got injured. When's the last time you saw a kid in a cast? It doesn't fuckin' happen, dude. We used to spend the first 45 minutes of school signing casts. That's how we learned to read and write.

& This is a big one, "Wendy, they could go on the Internet and get misinformation." That's all we got. My mom used to tell me that when the ice-cream truck played music, that meant it was out of ice cream... Do you know how fucked up that is? We got misinformation in the form of lies. From people that were supposed to love us.

& I don't think anything should exist today if you can't sell it right now as a brand-new idea. I get why ballet was entertaining like 400 years ago, but I don't think it needs to still be a business based on what we now know. Imagine trying to sell ballet as a brand-new concept to a Broadway producer right now...
     You'd be like, "Hey, I have this idea for a show. It's a dance show. It's about 20 18-year-old girls. They dance for about two hours in underwear."
     They'll be like, "Brrr, I'm sorry, is that like a burlesque-type show?"
"Not at all. They don't have tits or asses because we starve them. And their toes look like curly fries for the rest of their life."
     They'd be like, "Uhh… I'm sorry, I'm just trying to understand this show. So it's just women, there's no men in the show?"
    "Oh, my God, totally forgot to tell you. Yes, there is one man in the show. He is like 30 and he's the one that holds them up by their pussies."
     "Sorry, I'm just trying to wrap my head around this idea. Um, so they're just in underwear? Is that the only--"
     "Oh, forgot to tell you. Of course they're not just in underwear. We have skirts for them, obviously. But we figured out a way to make them go straight out. So you can still see everything you need to see."
     "I'm sorry, I'm just-- I'm not getting it. Do you want to just, I don't know, show me the dance moves?"
     She's like, "No problem, it's very simple. They just show their pussies… from every angle. Their pussies fly. They're making the pussies fly. And then they just present their pussies to everyone in the audience. One by one... You know how you blow kisses at people? They just blow their pussies at people... Don't worry, we don't let them smile. Make sure they have no joy behind their eyes."
     You can have one, of course, sir. Of course.
     Ballet is a wild show! It's a wild show. You know a show's creepy when they give the audience binoculars. Like, why do they have binoculars?... Why do the binoculars have one handle bar?... Why do you need one hand free?... What is this show? It's called The Nutcracker, you guys!

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Ricky Gervais: SuperNature (2022)

& Oh, women! Not all women. I mean, the old-fashioned ones. The old-fashioned women. Oh God! You know, the ones with wombs. Oh. Those fucking dinosaurs. No, I love the new women. They're great, aren't they? The new ones we've been seeing lately. The ones with beards and cocks. They're as good as... They're as good as gold. I love them. It's the old-fashioned... And now the old-fashioned, they go,
   "Ooh, they wanna use our toilets!"
   "Why shouldn't they?"
   "For ladies!"
   "They are ladies. Look at their pronouns... What about this person isn't a lady?"
   "Well, his penis."
   "Her penis, you fucking bigot!"
   "What if he rapes me?"
   "What if she rapes you? You fucking TERF whore!"

& But if you're the type of person to revel in someone getting canceled for summat they said ten years ago, you're just ensuring that one day you'll be canceled for summat you said today. You can't predict what'll be offensive in the future.
    You don't know who the dominant mob will be. Like, the worst thing you can say today, get you canceled on Twitter, death threats, the worst thing you can say today is, "Women don't have penises," right? Now, no one saw that coming.
    There are no ten-year-old tweets of people saying... You won't find a ten-year-old tweet of someone saying, "Women don't have penises." Do you know why? We didn't think we fucking had to.

& They're basically saying minorities haven't got a sense of humor, which is so patronizing. And I get that as well, what it's like to be outnumbered. In this country, we're still only 5% Black, 5% Asian, 5% LGBTQ, you know? Tiny numbers. Now, I'm a white, heterosexual multimillionaire, right? Um... There's less than 1% of us. But... do I whine? No!

& I'm like Rosa Parks, know what I mean? I'm like... Except I fought for the right to never have to take a seat on a bus, but...

& I wanna debunk the supernatural. I don't believe in anything supernatural. I believe that anything that exists is by definition part of nature and is explainable, if not now, then eventually.
    Also, SuperNature 'cause nature is super enough, you know? It's... It's amazing that we're even here discussing it.
    We're the only species that allows the universe to understand itself. The chances of us being here at all, the chances of you being you existing now, the chances of that sperm hitting that egg is 400 trillion to one...
    And I think life is like a holiday. We don't exist for 13 and a half billion years, then we have these 80, 90 years if we're lucky, then we die, never to exist again.

& I just think that nature is super enough, you know? I don't think we need angels and unicorns. We've got the fucking octopus. That actually exists. Eight legs, nine brains, three hearts, and a beak.

& I don't worry about being dead 'cause I won't know about it. That is the best thing about being dead. You don't know about it. It's the same as being stupid, right? It's only painful for others, right?

& I don't do anything towards not dying, if you know what I mean. I eat and drink too much every day, have done for 40 years. Day and night, I eat and drink too much. People say to me, "Rick, if you gave up the booze, you'd live an extra ten years." I go, "But they're the last ten years, the shit ten years." I don't want them, right? If I gave up booze now and I made it to 80 and someone said, "You can have an extra ten years," if I could go, "Oh, great, I'll have 20 to 30 again," that'd be perfect, but, no, you gotta have 80 to 90.

& But psychology, psychiatry, neuroscience, it's still in its infancy, and we still know so little about the brain. And 150 years ago, we knew nothing. It was just... It was all guesswork, right? And, uh, like, everything was just mental.
    If you weren't a white, heterosexual, married, Christian man, right, if you deviated too far, "Mental." They just went, "Mental," like that. Homosexuality? "Mental. Mental illness." You were put in an asylum for life, or worse, tortured. Women who fell pregnant out of wedlock, "Mental." Asylum for life, right?
    And now we understand things more. We're more tolerant. We're... I think it's going too far the other way, though, because now nothing's mental. You can't find summat that someone's... Nothing is considered mental.
    Everything is a syndrome or an addiction or a preference, right? I could have my legs removed, have wheels put on, identify as a pram, right... And if you say I'm mental, you're a bigot, right?

& Okay, full disclosure. In real life, of course I support trans rights. I support all human rights, and trans rights are human rights. Live your best life. Use your preferred pronouns. Be the gender that you feel that you are. But meet me halfway, ladies... Lose the cock. That's all I'm saying.

& In fact, I wish self-ID had been around when I was a kid. I'd have used it to get shit. I'd have gone to my mum. "Mum, I'm trans." She'd have gone, "What?" I'd have gone, "I'm either trans or I need a new bike." She'd have gone, "You need a new bike." I'd have gone, "You're the boss." But I, uh... I grew up in the '60s. Jesus.

& I'm not a fan of racism. Um... No, hear me out, right? I... I don't care whether you're Black, white, brown, European, African... You're going, "That's all right, Black, white, brown, European, African. What about the fucking Eskimos?" Racist, right?
    "They're fucking weird, Rick." They are not weird, just different. "They live in the snow." Yeah, that is their little house, the snow. So? "They wear a dead sea lion for their clo..." Yes, that's their clothes. A dead sea lion.
    But here's the thing about racism. You drag one out of his hole in the snow and peel him out of his sea lion outfit, and he's standing there naked, you take a closer look. He's basically a cold Chinaman. So...

& That's another thing. I think whereas people are now trying to be so politically correct, they're trying to out-woke each other, soon someone'll say, "You can't say 'pedo' anymore. It's a derogatory term. It offends people who are child-addicted," right?

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Louis C.K.: Sorry (2021)

& Well... M-my -- my favorite sex position...

& I'm trying to learn things about myself. Um, I got a scale for my bathroom. I'm not trying to lose weight, I'm just interested in the data.

& Here's the thing: men... our biggest fear in life is that we're going to get caught being a kid fucker, that's every guy's biggest fear. Even if you would never do it, every guy's like, "That's what's going to happen to me, I know it." It's like being afraid of sharks when you live in the desert, like, "I don't go to the ocean, but it's going to happen." 'Cause it's a fear not based in its likelihood, but in how horrible it would be if it happened.

& We lose things because we won't really face it, you know, that are important us, like the Boy Scouts. Boy Scouts -- wonderful thing, being sued out of existence 'cause of all the kid fuckery that goes on. ...

& Take the contribution from where it comes. Michael Jackson -- wonderful music, blessed us with wonderful music -- did some other things, too. What -- look, what's worse: a pedophile who makes beautiful music, or one that doesn't? This is the choices. "No pedophiles" is not on the menu.

& So how've you all been enjoying living the way I already was for a couple of years before all this shit? Welcome to my life.

& Can't work, can't go outside, can't show your face, gotta wash your groceries. 'Cause I got cum on the groceries.

& I have a solution for the pandemic, by the way, for COVID, I have it. This is it: We test everybody, first of all, and every time we find somebody who has COVID, you kill them. That's it. That's the solution. You won't need another one after that one. That's the final one.

& It's been pretty amazing to be alive during this thing, during COVID, because you're not going to see this again, and, wow, did we learn some shit.

& The things that teach you in life are things you never would have chosen to do for yourself.

& Think about your life as far as it's been, where you had the choices, where you're like, "I'm going to do this, I'm going to pursue this." It all goes to shit, every bit of it. And even when it goes right, you're like, "Why don't I like it? It's what I wanted. But why don't I like it?!" Because it's your choice and your choices are based on fear and fucking just thin, stupid, shitty hopes. But when life just kicks you in the balls and you're like, "Oh, fuck, everything's different now," and you... It shows you shit you wouldn't have looked at otherwise.

& And what I thought was really interesting about COVID, and still is, is that it's the first thing I've seen where everyone on Earth had the same problem. Every human being on Earth had the same problem, and we never had that before. That's why we don't give a shit about each other...

& We all had the same problem, every person from Zimbabwe to Tokyo to Newark to Honolulu, everybody was doing the same dumb shit. Every person had the same stupid fucking moment at the same -- just trying to get the mask out of the well of your car door, trying to... "I got to go in Walgreen's, where's my fucking mask?"

& I actually like the masks, 'cause it just -- everybody looked nice. Everybody did, 'cause it's just their eyes. Eyes are nice.

& It really was an interesting social experiment, COVID, because everybody got told the same thing -- the whole world got told the same thing. If you go out unnecessarily, millions will die. And a lot of us said, "Oh, I'm going out." "Yeah... I'm going now and a lot." Yeah, and millions died.

& One thing I found very interesting was that during the pandemic, a lot of people really liked counting the dead people. That got very popular, was counting the amount of the dead and dying.

& That's my main problem, by the way, with the whole "defund the police" idea: What about people who want to commit suicide by cop? What about them?

& We had a lot of protests in New York, and now we have protesters that just live here. They're not at a protest, they're just here.

& I think that -- I thought it was good how p--- how young people got out there and they expressed themselves, they went out there to solve a lot of problems. Not all the problems, but some of them. They went out there to stop discrimination. Uh, not all discrimination. Just some of it, which is a weird form of discrimination.

& By the way, you know how many fat people we have in this country? About 600 trillion-billion-thousands of 'em! You know how many trans people there are? About 38. But if you're trans and you need a restroom and it's awkward, we'll change every restroom! But if you're fat and you need an MRI, you go to the zoo, you fat bitch. Just go to the zoo.

& I'm saying this out of respect for elephants, by the way, because we're supposed to respect how they live. They don't fucking cure their diseases. This is not their culture, this is our weird -- "Let's fix it! Oh, he's sick!" That's not how elephants live!

& An elephant in the Serengeti isn't like, "I have a lump, I have to see my oncologist." When an elephant gets cancer, he falls over and takes his fuckin' turn and becomes food. You don't put an elephant in a state-of-the-art -- What if you find cancer? What, are you going to give them chemotherapy? Think a skinny elephant with a pink baseball hat. "Each day is a gift."

& I love animals, I do... I do. We have a weird relationship to animals -- we name them and we play with them, and we kill them and we eat them, and we stuff them. And we draw them.

& I have a dog -- I love my dog, but I don't know my dog. We've never had a conversation, not one time.

& There's no way she's just like, "Dog." There's stuff going on in here. I've seen it. You ever watch your dog make a decision? You ever d-- watch your dog just walk in the room and then look around, like... "I'm going to go over here." Why?! Please tell me why!

& I think my dog thinks I'm insane because I look at my life through her -- through her eyes, like, I'll watch TV for four hours, and from my dog's point of view, I'm just sitting there....... "What -- the fuck is he laughing, what happened?"

& It's just the way it is, you're not going to -- A baby will never come out of a penis. Which is good. It's a good thing. Because it's hard for women. Imagine pushing a whole baby out of your penis, dickhole. Even just the hand. Yeah... Anyway, so that's why gay couples adopt. That's why.

& Did you hear the other one ended with "banana"? Banana -- I got three banana jokes, by the way. This is number two...

& You wanna hear the other banana one now? All right.

& Okay, so... I was at the grocery store... and I needed bananas. So I go over to where the bananas are, and there's a Black woman at the bananas... It's going to be okay. It's going to be okay, I swear... I understand.

& White people are very scared of discussing bananas and Black people in the same conversation. I understand -- if I have a Black friend over, I would never offer him a banana. I just, I don't know why, I just wouldn't do it. ... These are just the facts of the case. All right?

& So I'm waiting. And she's kind of takin' a long time. And the longer she takes, the longer I'm a white man watching a Black woman choose bananas. And this is an awful thing about the world today, because I know I'm not doing anything wrong, but I feel fucking bad. I feel fucking bad.

& So I went to the strawberries. And there's a fuckin' Jew at the strawberries. "Here's a nice one!..." That's the Jew. I'm not going to do the Black woman. No, not -- you know why? Because I'm not afraid of Jews. That's really... That's the bottom line. I'm not scared of Jews.

& I don't find Jews to be frightening... unless you're in Palestine, then they're terrifying. It's very different. Over there, they're like, "The Jews are killing us!" And here, we're like, "Really? The Jews?" "We've been slapping them around for years."

& Just trying to be fair. Just trying to be fair to the Jews. "Lawd, have mercy." Anyway... Don't worry, I'm an old man, I'll be gone very soon.

& I worry about getting old only 'cause I don't want to lose my memory, you know? I mean, some of it I would love to lose. But it doesn't work that way. You got to take it all or none, I guess.

& Some people worry about getting old because they think it means that they're dying, which it does. But this doesn't worry me -- I don't worry about dying because I think it's necessary. I think it's something that you just have to do. You should do it. It's -- when it's your turn, you should do it.

& If somebody you know, your doctor says you're dying, just say, "Okay," and die -- don't, you know, "May be a miracle?" Fuck you, get in the ground, just take your turn.

& ...an important idea, which is that dying is important, it's every generation's greatest contribution to history is that they die. It's the only thing that keeps things moving; it's the only reason there's any progress in the human race is that folks keep fucking dying. Every generation has had a mix of douche bags and amazing people and boring, great, good, whatever, but they're all fucking dead. Every fuckin' one. Thank God, they're all fucking dead. There's a limit to how much any of the good ones did, and the shitty ones got to stop being shitty. It's a great system.

& ...just, when you get older and you start going, "Everything's so crazy now" -- no, it's fine, just get the fuck out.

& If you're in an airport and you're looking at the toilet and you're like, "I don't understand how this works," it's time for you to die, that's what that means. These toilets are for the next people, get the fuck out. That's the way I look at my life now.

& I'm excited about a lot of what's coming, there's things that are hard now, but that's the way it is. Things are going to get -- I think it's exciting what's happening; I think young people today have some great ideas. They're being a little cunty about some of them, but the ideas are good. The ideas are good.

& We were so -- we were afraid to seem gay when I was a kid, 'cause in the '70s, the stereotypes showed you what everybody is like. Men are like this... And then the women have to act like this... and then gay people are like... they're just tired. That was gay people in the '70s. "I'm gay. Help, I'm gay, I can't even do anything."

& You ever meet a gay person? You don't fuck with gay people, not today. They're all athletes, first of all. And they -- they got their shit together. They're fucking -- their motherfuckers, gay people. Your landlord's gay. They're billionaires! They own Apple. They're in the cabinet, they're in the Navy. They're -- they're -- they're cowboys and Indians and construction workers. Gay men are men.

& Gay men are men now. They're -- they're fathers, they're husbands, they're men. Today's heterosexual men are faggots. I don't know how that happened! And I -- but they're fags! I'm saying that with love and as an old man on his way out the door, but they're fucking fags! They're intelligent and they're evolved, but they're fags, with the pajama shorts?! And the -- just pale, almost blue. "Mm, my wife got a promotion today." Oh, good for you, faggot.

& We should have all of it, the whole spectrum, the whole alphabet, all of it. But somebody does have to be just a straight fucking. You have to have that. It doesn't have to be the most important, but you do need it because it's where it all fuckin' comes from. Until they figure out some other shit, this is where life still starts. If -- if you want to eat local and organic, you got to respect that someone's got to have a hard dick fucking a pussy. That's -- that's where every trans, every gay person, came from -- two boring straight people fucking.

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