Eagleheart 1x3

Master of da' Skies

Season 1, Episode 3

& Balloon Operator: Help! Police!
    Radke: Police? News flash, balloon boy, there’s no law up here.

& Chief: Three more victims of senseless sky crime. Oh, well.
    Susie: Witnesses say they were all pushed out of a hot-air balloon.
    Chief: Well, thank God none of our cars were damaged.

& Brett: What is that?
    Chief: That, my friend, is the Baron’s home... Cloudtopia.

& Chris: Wait a second. So you’re telling me anything that happens in the sky is legal and there’s a giant crime blimp flying around this place?
    Chief: Yes.
    Chris: I don’t know how I missed that. Well, no matter. It’s time to scrub the clouds and return the sky to God.

---

& Brett: ... So, the pizza guy says, “Hey, I just dropped all these strombolis on the floor. I’ll let you have ’em half price.” So, naturally, I’m like, “What flavors are they?” And just as he was about to tell me, I woke up.

& Chris: Hey, Brett, your shoe fell off your blow-up doll.

& — Hey, what are you doing to Grunke?!
    Chris: I’m gonna have sex with his corpse.
    — Oh. Nice. Good sky crime.
    Chris: Bunch of wackos* up here.

& Chris: Hey, Baron! Look what I got here... Marshal Monsanto. I killed him. I killed him real dead-like, too.

& Baron: What’s your name?
    Chris: Uh, Chiss.
    Baron: Welcome to Cloudtopia... “Chizz.” Please, stay as my guest. Later, we’re going to watch pirated DVDs and gay-marry each other.

& Brett: Please tell me that was a sausage... Ew!

& Baron: I’m afraid I can’t let you do that, Chizz.
    Chris: I got news for you. My name ain’t Chiss. It’s Chris... Chris Marshal, U.S. Monsanto.

& Chris: I guess, in this case, smoking is bad for your health... Yes! Geronimo! ... It’s good to be back on el groundo de firmo.



-- Dict:
wacko — crazy person


On Imdb.

Eagleheart 1x2

Creeps

Season 1, Episode 2

& Chris: Ugh!
    Brett: Creepy Earl.
    Chris: Who’s that?
    Brett: He was the most wonderful man I ever knew. When I was growing up, he would give us kids rides in his rusty van and invite us over to pet his rabbits.

& Brett: Why’d he have to die?
    Chris: Well, if I had to guess, I’d say he got a disease from those rabbits. In about 24 hours, this town’s gonna be a dust-ridden plague zone. If we want to die painlessly, I say we kill ourselves now. I’ll go first.

& Susie: So, you think someone’s gonna try to kill Neil Phipps?
    Brett: Is he a creep?
    Chief: He’s a 46-year-old billionaire who still lives with his mother.
    Chris: All right. Let’s go.

& Phipps: What do you want?
    Chris: We’re U.S. marshals. And we have reason to believe that your life may be in danger.
    Phipps: Well... When you’re the world’s most successful creator of “to-do list” software, you can expect to make some enemies. It’s a risk I’ve learned to live with.

---

& Chris: Well, I guess we should have a look at that creep’s corpse. What do you say we go hang around the ladies’ changing rooms at T.J. Maxx for a while and then go to the morgue?
    Brett: Roger that.

& Doctor: He was cut open in the same place as the others. It turns out they were all missing their gallbladder*.
    Chris: Who cares?

& Susie: Chris!
    Chris: What?!
    Susie: Here. Drink this. ... Do you want to go to the laundromat and steal women’s panties?

& Chris: You added your name to the murder list so that we’d think you’d be one of the victims. Very ingenious.
    Phipps: You got me all wrong, Monsanto. I was simply autographing what I consider my most masterful to-do list yet. Now, if you’ll excuse me, these fine ladies are on my other to-do list. And by “do,” I mean do.

& Susie: Samuel, hi. I brought the antidote to the creepatin so you don’t have to be a creep anymore.
    Samuel: No, thanks. I think I’m going to stay a creep. I’m going over to the high school to watch the girls soccer team practice.


-- Dict:
gallbladder — желчный пузырь


On Imdb.

__ Creepy creeps.

Eagleheart 1x1

Get Worse Soon

Season 1, Episode 1

& Vargas: Xavier, when you get up to 5,000 feet, chuck her out. I want to hear you go splat, little lady.
    Chris Monsanto: Sorry about that, Vargas, but you can’t board a plane with more than two bags... Scumbags, that is.
    Vargas: Marshal Chris Monsanto... Who’s the new partner?
Monsanto: The name’s Trace Domino.
    Vargas: Wow. Maybe this one will survive.

& Vargas: Let’s dance.
    Monsanto: I’ll lead.

& Chief: Chris, I’d hoped you’d never have to use that level again.
    Monsanto: Yeah, well, chief, after today I won’t have to. I’m done with having a partner.
    Chief: That’s why we’re giving you two partners. I’d like you to meet Brett Mobley and Susie Wagner.

& Monsanto: Trace was a great marshal...
    Brett: I’m sorry about your partner, man. That blows. I once had a sandwich that I loved that I dropped on the ground.

& Monsanto: Vargas? Vargas is dead.
    Chief: Um... That’s the other thing I wanted to talk to you about. He’s not “dead dead.” He’s in critical condition at city hospital.

---

& Monsanto: Excuse me. Um, have you seen this autopsy report? It says you were strangled to death... But, of course, these reports can often be wrong. Time of death — now.

& Monsanto: Good news, bullets. It’s moving day. You’ll be living in Vargas from now on. Call me at Thanksgiving.

& Vargas: Hey, Chris, will you tell me a bedtime story?
    Monsanto: Well, all right. Uh... Let’s see. Once upon a time, there was a little bunny rabbit named Chris...
    Vargas: Like you?
    Monsanto: Yes, Vargas. Very much like me. ... And what this little rabbit wanted, more than anything else, was to kill the evil turtle who had murdered all his buddies. But the evil turtle’s shell was too soft, and Chris knew it wouldn’t be right to kill him. So bunny Chris worked very hard to make the evil turtle’s shell normal again so that he could stick a gun in his mouth and blow his brains all over the forest floor.
    Vargas: So did he make him normal again?
    Monsanto: We’ll see, little turtle. We shall see.


On Imdb.

__ Strange at least.