The Wedding

Fleabag #2.6

Claire: It's going to be a lovely day, isn't it?
Fleabag: I'm afraid so.

The Priest: I don't know, I don't know... Oh, I don't know what this feeling is.
Fleabag: Is it God or is it me?

Godmother: Sorry, but whoever had a miscarriage, could you take it to the kitchen, please?

Martin: I am not a bad guy! I just have a bad personality, it's not my fault.

Martin: I am not going to leave you, until you are down on your knees begging me.

Dad: Look, I-I know she's not... everyone's cup of tea.

Dad: I-I don't think I can.
Fleabag: Come on. Buck up. Smiles, charm, off we go.

Dad: I think you know how to love better than any of us. That's why you find it all so painful.

The Priest: It turns out it's quite hard to come up with something original to say about love. But I've had a go... Love is awful! It's awful. It's painful. It's frightening. Makes you doubt yourself, judge yourself. Distance yourself from the other people in your life. Makes you selfish. Makes you creepy! Makes you obsessed with your hair. Makes you cruel! Makes you say and do things you never thought you would do!
Claire: There's something wrong with your priest.
The Priest: It's all any of us want and it's hell when we get there! So, no wonder it's something we don't want to do on our own.

The Priest: I was taught if we're born with love, then life is about choosing the right place to put it. People talk about that a lot. It "feeling right". "When it feels right it's easy." But I'm not sure that's true. It takes strength to know what's right. And love isn't something that weak people do. Being a romantic takes a hell of a lot of hope. I think what they mean is... when you find somebody that you love... it feels like hope.

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Fleabag #2.5

Godmother: What a... CUNT! What a cunt!!!

The Priest: Please don't come to the church again. I mean that... with the greatest of compliments.

Claire: Tell the truth.
Fleabag: It's horrendous.
Claire: It's horrendous.
Fleabag: It's modern.

Fleabag: Um... I met someone.
Claire: What? Really?! Oh, my God, that's amazing! What does he do?
Fleabag: He's a priest....

Fleabag: Water?
The Priest: No, thanks, I want to keep a clear head.

Fleabag: My priest is here and he really needs some guidance.

David: Nine times... You're a saint.

Fleabag: I'm sorry that was...
The Priest: No, it's okay. I won't ask— Nine times?

The Priest: I can't have sex with you, because I'll fall in love with you.

The Priest: We're going to have sex, aren't we?.... Yeah.

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Fleabag #2.4

Fleabag: You really think there's a next life?
The Priest: What do you believe? Worm food? Why?!... Why would you believe in something awful when you could believe in something wonderful?
Fleabag: Don't make me an optimist, you will ruin my life.

Fleabag: Quaker meeting. You're not allowed to speak. If the Spirit moves you to speak, you have to stand up and share it with everyone. It's very intense. It's very quiet. It's very, very... erotic.

Fleabag: I don't really think it's... I'm not really feeling the... I don't think it's really affecting me... Oh, my... Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God. What am I going to say? What am I going to say?... I sometimes worry that I wouldn't be such a feminist if I had bigger tits.

The Priest: What do guinea pigs do?
Fleabag: They are born, they shit themselves with fear and then they die.
The Priest: Can I use that at the wedding?

Fleabag: I just... I don't know what to...
Dad: I know... Buck up. Smile. Charm. Off we go. We'll be okay.

---

Fleabag: I don't know what to do with it... With all the love I have for her. I don't know where to put it now.

The Priest: Do you like Winnie the Pooh? I fucking love Winnie the Pooh. I can't read a Winnie the Pooh quote without crying.

The Priest: Here's to peace... And those who get in the way of it.

Fleabag: Frightened.
The Priest: Of what?
Fleabag: Forgetting things. People. Forgetting people.

Fleabag: I want someone to tell me what to wear in the morning.
The Priest: Okay, well, I think there are people who can...
Fleabag: No, I want someone to tell me what to wear every morning!... I want someone to tell me what to eat, what to like, what to hate, what to rage about, what to listen to, what band to like, what to buy tickets for, what to joke about, what not to joke about... I want someone to tell me what to believe in, who to vote for, and who to love, and how to... tell them.... I just think I want someone to tell me... how to live my life, Father, because so far I think I've been getting it wrong. And I know that's why people want people like you in their lives. Because you just tell them how to do it. You just tell them what to do, and what they'll get out of the end of it. Even though I don't believe your bullshit, and I know that scientifically nothing I do makes any difference in the end anyway, I'm still scared! Why am I still scared?!.... So just tell me what to do. Just fucking tell me what to do, Father!
The Priest: ...... Kneel.

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Fleabag #2.3

Fleabag: What's his name?.. What's his name?...
Claire: Klare.
Fleabag: What?
Claire: His name is Klare. Don't!

Belinda Friers: I'm trained in martial arts. It's just the basics, but it is enough.
Fleabag: I work at Harbots—
Belinda Friers: Hurbots.

Fleabag: I need to take your award back.
Belinda Friers: Why?
Fleabag: It's a stolen piece of art. It's not really an award. It's all my fault. I can explain.

Belinda Friers: Do you like old films?
Fleabag: Some.
Belinda Friers: And what's your favourite period film?
Fleabag: .... Carrie.

Fleabag: How old are you?
Belinda Friers: 58. And you?
Fleabag: 33.
Belinda Friers: Oh. Don't worry. It does get better.

---

Belinda Friers: Women are born with pain built in. It's our physical destiny. Period pains, sore boobs, childbirth, you know... We carry it within ourselves throughout our lives. Men don't. They have to seek it out. They invent all these gods and demons and things just so they can feel guilty about things, which is something we also do very well on our own. And then they create wars, so they can feel things and touch each other, and when there aren't any wars they can play rugby. And we have it all going on in here, inside.

Belinda Friers: Listen. People are all we've got. People are all we've got. So grab the night by its nipples and go and flirt with someone.

Fleabag: 33 isn't exactly...
Belinda Friers: And what had Jesus done by 33?
Fleabag: Died?
Belinda Friers: Exactly! So get out there and flirt.

Fleabag: Do you think I should become a Catholic?
The Priest: Oh, no. Don't do that. I like that you believe in a meaningless existence.

The Priest: Celibacy is a lot less complicated than... romantic relationships.
Fleabag: What if you meet someone you like?
The Priest: I talk and drink and laugh and give them Bibles, and hope they eventually leave me alone.

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Fleabag #2.2

Fleabag: Peace be with you.

The Priest: Do you want a proper drink? I've got cans of G&T. From M&S.

The Priest: A cool priest? No. I'm a big reader with no friends.

The Priest: The funeral liturgy says that life is changed, not ended... I've always loved that, if that's of any help.
Fleabag: Oh, well, thank you very much, but I really am an atheist.
The Priest: Yeah, I gathered that by the smelling of the Bible.

Fleabag: Oh, God, I fancy a priest.

Claire: Why are there so many people here?
Fleabag: Well, it's just successful, I guess.
Claire: Why is everyone talking to each other?
Fleabag: Oh, it's Chatty Wednesday. If you buy something, you have to have a chat with someone you don't know.
Claire: What?!
Fleabag: Loneliness pays.

Counsellor: Do you really want to fuck the priest, or do you want to fuck God?
Fleabag: Can you fuck God?
Counsellor: Oh, yes.

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Fleabag #2.1

Fleabag: This is a love story...

Godmother: Love the Catholics! You can get away with anything.

Dad: Well, you're being very... You're not being naughty. Why?
Fleabag: Because, I guess...
Dad: Yeah?
Fleabag: ...it doesn't matter.

Claire: The priest is quite hot.
Fleabag: So hot.

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Fleabag #1.6

& Bank Manager: People make mistakes.
    Fleabag: That’s why they put rubbers at the end of pencils.
    Bank Manager: Is that a joke?
    Fleabag: I don’t know.

---

& Boo: They shouldn’t have just locked him up.
    Fleabag: He pencil-fucked a hamster.
    Boo: Yeah, but he’s obviously not happy, happy people wouldn’t do things like that. And anyway, that’s the very reason why they put rubbers on the end of pencils.
    Fleabag: To fuck hamsters?
    Boo: No, because people make mistakes.

--
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Fleabag #1.5

& Fleabag: Plaits. Either she’s got her period or some serious shit’s gone down.

& Claire: Where’s her head?
    Fleabag: She’s got your boobs — she doesn’t need one.

---

& Godmother: I’m just very lucky. I will be touched until the day I die. And so will you, Claire. I mean, it’s really all that humans want — is to be loved... and to be touched.

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Fleabag #1.4

& Fleabag: What’s that for?
    Claire: My neck and chest.
    Fleabag: What’s that for?
    Claire: My legs and knees.

---

    Fleabag: What’s that for?
    Claire: Ends of my hair.
    Fleabag: What’s that?
    Claire: For my under-eyes. What’s that?
    Fleabag: That is for my face and body.

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Fleabag #1.3

& Fleabag: Jogging.

& Fleabag: I did a fart the other day that was exactly like Mum’s.
    Claire: A door opening, or suspicious dark?
    Fleabag: Door opening.
    Claire: Means you’re getting Mum’s bum.

& Claire: I haven’t farted in about three years.
    Fleabag: Happy birthday.

& Claire: It’s really inappropriate to jog around a graveyard.
    Fleabag: Why?
    Claire: Flaunting your life.

---

& Claire: God, I can’t wait to be old.
    Fleabag: If it’s any consolation, you look older than you are.

& Martin: Who are you?
    Fleabag: I don’t know. I want to be that person. I have been that person. Ha. But most of the time I’m that person, like everyone else.

& Martin: They’re good, right?
    Fleabag: Chic. Chic means boring — don’t tell the French.

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Fleabag #1.2

& Fleabag: .... I think my period’s coming.

& Fleabag: Got to think about all the people I can have sex with now. I’m not obsessed with sex, I just can’t stop thinking about it. The performance of it. The awkwardness of it. The drama of it. The moment you realize someone wants your body... Not so much the feeling of it.

---

& Claire: Listen, I don’t want to know anything about this surprise party, but, if you could just, have it at mine this Friday at 7:30, that’d be great. I can organize it and act surprised but, if you could just... Do you know what, why don’t I just do it? I can organize it, do the food, act surprised, and just take it off your hands. I mean, I can see that you’re busy, so...

& Harry: You will never see me again. I’ll always love you but I just can’t take it any more. I don’t hate you, I’m scared for you.
    Fleabag: He’s going to write that down.

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Fleabag #1.1

grosslarnakh:

  «Из последнего просмотренного лайк смешному сериалу „Флибег“ (Fleabag). Телочку разрывают внутренние противоречия, о которых она очень искренне рассказывает. Современные тридцатилетки, тщательно скрываемый внутренний мир, безрассудные поступки и беспорядочный секс, необходимость выглядеть снаружи приличной, вот это вот все.
    Бывают фильмы, в которых герой время от времени обращается к зрителю; обычно этот прием приготовлен чудовищно плохо, а тут его очень много, но при этом все уместно и не пересолено.»

& Fleabag: ’The only thing harder than having to tell your super-high-powered, perfect, anorexic, rich super-sister that you’ve run out of money is having to ask her to bail you out... I’m just going to ask her. I’m just going to ask her. I’m just going to ask her. I’m just going to come...’
    Claire: Do you need to borrow money?
    Fleabag: No!

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& Fleabag: I have a horrible feeling that I’m a greedy, perverted, selfish, apathetic, cynical, depraved, morally bankrupt woman, who can’t even call herself a feminist.
    Dad: Well... You get all that from your mother.
    Fleabag: .... Good one.

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