My Name Is Earl 4x27

Dodge's Dad

& Earl: Little Chubby?
   Little Chubby: What? You’re thinking why am I acting like a douchebag again. There’s a simple explanation to that. I’m a douchebag again.

& Earl: Sweet Jesus!
   Joy: I know.
   Earl: I’m Dodge’s father.
   Joy: That explains why Dodge’s mustache is starting to come in already.

---

& Darnell: We’ve got another problem.
   Earl: What?
   Darnell: These three DNAs match. That means it’s you and the boys, which makes this one mine, and it doesn’t match any of those.
   Joy: What does that mean?
   Darnell: It means I’m not Earl Jr.’s father.
   ..............
   Joy: Now, everybody just calm down!!

End of season 4!
&
End of the show

--
+ quotes on the Imdb.

Σ Seriously?!?! This's how you end the show? Boooo

My Name Is Earl 4x26

Inside Probe, part 2

& Patricia: I’m gonna miss Ernie. He was a gentleman. I remember one time, I was performing a sexual act on him and it started to rain, and he held his shirt out over my head so my hair wouldn’t get wet. Made me feel a little bit like a princess.

---

& Randy: I can’t wait to find out who killed Ernie. I’m just glad it wasn’t me. That would’ve been an awesome twist, I’ve always thought I was a nice guy.

& Earl: Well, Randy’s got an interesting hypo... pot... hyp... hypo... thesis. A theory. Aliens.

--
On the Imdb.

Σ The most boring 2 episodes. No wonder they close the show after this disaster.

My Name Is Earl 4x25

Inside Probe, part 1

& Stuart: Well... your brother confessed. If you want to get the same deal he got, you better confess, too, or you’re gonna get the death penalty for sure.
   Earl: He didn’t confess. You’re just trying to get me to admit something I didn’t do. I know all about reverse biology, buddy. I’m not an idiot. This isn’t going to work.
   Stuart: Think it’ll work on your brother?

& Geraldo Rivera: What’s your strategy?
   Wilfrid Dierkes: Well, with the mustached one, I’m going to plead insanity. And for the big fella here, I think I’m gonna plead “retarded-ity.”
   Geraldo: Sounds good.

---

& Randy: Are you kidding? We have to wait a whole week to find out what happened to Ernie? That’s ridiculous.
   Earl: I know. Why didn’t they show the whole thing in a special one-hour episode?
   Darnell: The network executives probably didn’t order enough episodes of Inside Probe for a whole season, so they had to stretch it out over two weeks. That way they don’t have to air a repeat during sweeps.
   Joy: Network executives... They sure take the cake. Plus they don’t let people cuss anymore on TV until a certain time at night. Douche bags.

--
On the Imdb.

My Name Is Earl 4x24

Gospel

& Darnell: You’ll have to excuse Joy. She hasn’t been winning any prizes. The only booth she’s doing well at is the wine tasting one.
   Joy: How are you supposed to win anything when the church has Jesus on their side? You don’t think he’s the one bouncing those Ping-Pong balls off the rims of the goldfish bowls?

& Earl: These are the days I’m actually glad you stole her away from me, Crab Man.
   Randy: I’m glad every day.

& Randy: My name is Randy Hickey
         and I love to smell my shoes.
         Aaaaaaaaaaaaaameeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeen.

& Darnell: You do what you want, when you want. ’Cause all that matters to you is that you’re happy. Well, I hope you’re happy now. ’Cause we’re gonna have to kill her.
   Joy: What?
   Catalina: What?!
   Joy: Darnell, I know I said I wanted your help, but we can’t kill her! Maybe we can cut out her tongue, but we can’t kill her!

---

& Darnell: I was taught a very specific moral hierarchy... God, family, country. Strippers who threaten my wife are not on my list.

& Earl: Hi, my name is White. I mean, Earl.

& — I hate kids!
   — Daddy?
   — I just love sex.

& Darnell: I’m not doing this to scare you. I’m doing this so it will hurt less.
   Catalina: Thank you.

& Catalina: Anyone who gives their husband a concussion to save me from getting my throat slit is okay by me. That’s why I’m still friends with my bitchy cousin Judy. I forgive you for all of this, Joy. I forgive you.

--
On the Imdb.

My Name Is Earl 4x23

Bullies

& — You’ll destroy everyone and everything that gets in your way. Especially baby seals.
   Randy: Cool. So what’s it taste like? The drugs, not the baby seal. I know what those taste like.
   — Oh, you don’t drink this, you inject it into your scrotum.
   Randy: Oh, my God! That’s my scrotum?!?!

& Catalina: Kill her! I know a guy who can make any death look like a suicide.

---

& Randy: You think kryptonite works on people who aren’t Superman?
   Earl: I don’t know. Probably not.
   Randy: What about garlic?
   Earl: That only works on vampires.
   Randy: Apples?
   Earl: I’m pretty sure that’s only for doctors. What are you trying to keep away?
   Randy: Joy.
   Earl: Try hummus.
   Randy: Thanks, Earl.
   Earl: Good night, Randy.
   Randy: Good night, Earl.

--
On the Imdb.

My Name Is Earl 4x22

Pinky

& Joy: You go stand and face the claw machine and think about what you’ve done!

& Earl: I feel bad for Dodge.
   Randy: It’s probably for the best. That little girl will just break his heart anyway. Build him up full of hope with her... sweet little smile and pretty little eyes... and then pull the rug of love out from under him, sending him crashing to the floor with nothing to catch him but the cold, cold world... Bitches... Little ten-year-old bitches.

---

& Randy: It’s a beautiful day, I’ve got your best pair of underwear on and we’re gonna find my first love again.

& Joy: So, I’ve been dreaming about kissing Randy all these years? Now I’m questioning my taste in everything. Like, is Darnell really hot?.. Are Christians really the best?.. Maybe I don’t even like Sinbad... Oh, God, I feel sick.

& Joy: Oh, what the hell? You’re my freebie.

--
On the Imdb.

My Name Is Earl 4x21

Witch Lady

& Griselda Weezmer: I do get lonely. Maybe you could come over for tea tomorrow afternoon.
   Randy: No. No.
   Earl: Yeah, I-I... I’d like that. I hear good things about tea.

& Darnell: Joy, listen. I’ve been waiting for a time to bring this up that wasn’t premenstrual, menstrual or postmenstrual, but I think I’m just gonna jump in... Why do you always have to say those kind of things?

& Randy: I’m not going in there. It’s suicide. She’ll lop off your head and make pudding out of your blood and trick people like me into eating it, and I’ll do it, Earl, because I love pudding. Even if she doesn’t give me a spoon, I don’t care. I’ll find a way.

& Randy: Hello. I’m looking for my brother Earl or any parts of him you haven’t made into pudding.

& Randy: Oh, no! We’re gonna die! And it’s gonna hurt!.. I guess this is good-bye, head. Thanks for all your hard work.

& Randy: Step one: we catch a mouse. Step two: we teach him sign language. Step three: we throw him as hard as we can up that chimney.

---

& Griselda: I’m not hurting anybody!
   Stuart: Yes, but you’re different, and that’s bad. I mean, we all have parts of ourselves that are wrong and weird and shameful, but it’s our responsibility to bury those parts very deeply and go bowling with our straight friends.

& Joy: I’m calling Darnell. He was a government assassin, and he takes vitamins. You might want to watch and see how a real man handles this kind of thing.

& Randy: Hey. That sack has the same ring tone as Darnell.

& Joy: Seriously, what the hell is with sticking people in burlap sacks before you kick them down the stairs?
   Griselda: It’s more dramatic.

& Patricia: She’s my mom.
   Randy: Hookers have moms?!

& Griselda: I’m not a monster. I’m going to let you folks decide which one of you I stab and stab and stab until you’re dead.

& Earl: Don’t you see? We labeled her as the Crazy Witch Lady, and now we’re labeling each other. The bitch, the nice guy, the gay guys, the stripper...
   Joy: Freaking Karma zombie.
   Earl: Okay, that, too.

--
On the Imdb.

My Name Is Earl 4x20

Chaz Dalton’s Space Academy

& Joy: Don’t get any ideas about going by Harry again. It took me a long time to remember to say “Darnell” during sex, and I’m not starting from scratch.

& Joy: Earl, why are you so gay for space?
   Earl: I’m not gay for space.
   Randy: He’s gay for the men who went to space, there’s a difference.
   Earl: I’m not gay for astronauts.
   Randy: But if you had to be gay, you’d pick astronauts, and of all them, you would pick Chaz.

& Earl: Don’t embarrass me.
   Randy: Don’t embarrass me.

& Randy: I just found out there’s a planet called... Ura... Ura... Ura... Ura... Wait, I forgot. I’ll be right back.

& Darnell: Baby, I’m just on BuddyBook. A social networking site that connects you with friends. It’s like what MySpace and Facebook used to be before the old people ruined it.

---

& Joy: 320 friends? Are you trying to get on the prom court? Why would you need that many friends? Everybody knows you only need two. A poor friend to make you feel rich and a fat friend to make you feel skinny. If you’re lucky like me, you get both in one, like Eugenia.

& Darnell: Once we get you BuddyBooking, you’ll find out there’s nothing to be threated by. Sex...
   Joy: Love it.
   Darnell: Race.
   Joy: American.
   Darnell: Sexual orientation.
   Joy: Reverse Cowboy.
   Darnell: Occupation.
   Joy: Pimp... No, wait. Hustler. No, wait... Big baller... You know what, just put “Mom.”
   Darnell: Hometown?
   Joy: Your face... That’s funny, innit?
   Darnell: Political views?
   Joy: Gop.
   Darnell: Favorite book?
   Joy: Phone.
   Darnell: That’s it. You’re on BuddyBook.

& Earl: I can’t believe you did that. You put the “ass” in astronaut. You put the “not” in astronaut.

--
On the Imdb.

My Name Is Earl 4x19

My Name is Alias

& Thomas: There’s a bomb in the briefcase attached to your wrist. If you don’t want your neighbors to pick up pieces of you out of their azaleas, you’ll tell me where Darnell Turner is.
   Earl: Wh... Wh... What are azaleas?

& Darnell: So when did the boys get an Xbox?
   Joy: I’m sorry, Darnell, but I had to get it for ’em. They’re not making any friends based on their personalities. I mean, you’ve seen that routine they’ve got worked out where they pick each other’s noses. And it’s our bad for laughing so hard the first time they did it.

& Darnell: I miss us eating dinner as a family.
   Joy: You think this is easy on me? I’m working my butt off. I had to come up with three different disguises to make people think we got a maid, a nanny and a gardener. Now, if you’ll excuse me, time for Carlos to mow the lawn.

& Randy: I know how I always make you say you love me before we go to sleep, but if someone’s threatening to torture or even kill the thing you love, that’s when you can keep it to yourself.

---

& Earl: Okay, Randy, what’s your plan?
   Randy: All we have to do is open up the bomb, say “I hope this works,” close our eyes and cut the blue wire. I seen it a million times on TV. It’s easy.

& Randy: There are a few things I need to get off my chest before we die. First, your teeth are not whiter than mine. All right, that’s it. Is there anything you need to say to me? And if it’s that your teeth are whiter than mine, we have a big problem.

& Darnell: Dad! What a surprise. It’s been so long. How’s everything at home?
   Thomas: All your grandparents are dead and we painted the kitchen. Here are you orders. Your flight leaves in 45 minutes.

& Joy: Darnell speaks seven languages and has a black belt in three styles of fighting that end in “do.” He’s gonna be fine.
   Randy: And Earl has a real nice smile and can play “Wipeout” on his stomach. He’s gonna be fine, too.

--
+ quotes on the Imdb.

My Name Is Earl 4x18

Friends with Benefits

& Earl: I didn’t take Randy ’cause long drives made him carsick and the medicine for that made him hungry. It was an endless cycle we both wanted to avoid.

---

& Janine: How quickly does Karma happen? Because that is gonna be Oprah’s first question.

& Earl: I was reminded of the best benefit of doing good things... That having a clear conscience helps you sleep through the night.

--
+ quotes on the Imdb.

My Name Is Earl 4x17

Randy’s List Item

& Randy: I think we should have left the plastic. You know, so we wouldn’t have to get up to go pee. Like Mom and Dad did with my bed.
   Earl: Randy, they put that plastic on because you peed the bed, not so you could pee the bed.
   Randy: Chicken and the egg, Earl. Chicken and the egg.

---

& Dug: Welcome to New York.
   Joy: This place is a dump. Goldie Crystal wouldn’t live here.
   Dug: She doesn’t. Your new name’s are Lorba and Wilma Grunelbutt.
   Darnell: It’s not that bad. ... Hey, there’s an unexpected perk. Whenever the train comes through, we can lay on the floor and get a free massage. ... We’re gonna be so relaxed!

& Randy: I’m sure that sounded like a good plan in the beginning, and I’ve had lots of those, like when I tried to breed wiener dogs with cats to make wiener cats. But you don’t get long, skinny cats. You get one dead cat and a dog with lots of scratches. Anyway, what I’m trying to say is: your plan is worse than that one.

--
On the Imdb.

My Name Is Earl 4x16

Darnell Outed: Part 2

& Dug: Inside this packet you will find your new family identity. I’ll give you a little time to look it over.
   Joy: The Rosensteins?
   Darnell: I do speak Hebrew.
   Joy: We’re from Columbus... We bowl. Other hobbies include designing clothes for our pet collie. We got to get something better than this.
   Darnell: We’re trailer park underachievers with two hyperactive, pre-diabetic kids. How is this not better?

& Dug: Sorry. New identities are worked out in a top secret wing of the Pentagon. The names are the result of complicated mathematical algorithms.
   Joy: Phyllis and Marty Rosenstein?.. Look at this face. Do I look like a Phyllis to you? No, I look like the woman Marty leaves Phyllis for. I’m just trying to help. They don’t have this in Columbus. I got to be from some place classy like Panama City Beach, Florida. And one more thing: a lady like me don’t make clothes for dogs. Only thing I ever sewed was my stab wound on prom night.

& Joy: I guess I’m really going to be Phyllis Rosenstein for the rest of my life.
   Darnell: It’s just a name. We’re still the same people, except... we’re Jewish and they’re considering changing my blood type. O positive.

---

& Darnell: Baby, you in here? It’s hard to track her when she’s not chewing gum. I usually just follow the scent of strawberry-kiwi Hubba Bubba.

& Dug: You were only supposed to be in Camden for six months. Now, if you’d taken that job we had for you in Tokyo, you would have been the one who invented Dance Dance Revolution, but you wanted to waste your life in a trailer park.

& Joy: I love you, Marty Rosenstein. I’ll hold up my end of the deal, no matter how much it hurts.
   Darnell: I hear you. They’re going to snip off the tip of my penis tomorrow.

& Joy: I know I might have divorced you, and kicked you out of your own house, and tried to kill you, multiple times... but it all came out of love.
   Earl: I know, Joy.

--
On the Imdb.

My Name Is Earl 4x15

Darnell Outed: Part 1

& Earl: I don’t remember her being that flexible when we were married.
   Darnell: I do. Sorry, buddy.

---

& Earl: I can’t just let someone take my ex-wife, the guy she cheated on me with, and my two “igellitimate” kids. I promised Joy I’d make her dream come true. That’s the last thing I said to her. We gotta find them.

--
On the Imdb.

My Name Is Earl 4x14

Got the Babysitter Pregnant

& Joy: Darnell, uno margarita, por favor. Now that a Democrat’s in office, we all better learn Spanish.

& Joy: Where the hell is Earl?
   Catalina: How should I know? I’m his maid, not his secretary.

---

& Earl: I was worried sick!
   Randy: Why? I just did the things I learned by watching you. When you have something important to do, you put on a suit. I was honest when I found that wallet, just like you would have been. Plus, I took care of my Randy.

& Randy: You didn’t think I could take care of myself.
   Earl: I was wrong.
   Randy: Being a grown-up’s easy, but it’s just not my thing. Boss man breathing down your neck 24/7... You’re only as good as your last idea, Earl.

--
On the Imdb.

My Name Is Earl 4x13

Orphan Earl

& Mr. Fischer: Excuse me. My wife and I were driving home from building Nerf playgrounds for autistic children, and we ran out of gas. She would have come with me, but she’s shy because we had to sell her hair for baby formula. If you’d loan me a 20, I’ll mail it back to you.
   Joy: Goodness me, that is such a sad story... and there were so many details, it has to be true. Would you mind sharing it with my friends inside? I’m sure they’d love to help. ... And then he said he had a bold wife who sold her hair for... What was it she sold it for?
   Mr. Fischer: Baby formula.
   Randy: What an idiot! The baby formula is man plus woman. Everybody knows that.

& Old lady: Is this true?
   Earl: Nine out of ten African children die every minute? Africa’s hard on kids, what with the hot sun and giant leeches and no... speed limits.

---

& Earl: The 1st rule of scamming money is to look like you aren’t looking for money.

& Earl: The 2nd rule of scamming was not to tell Randy it was a scam, there’s no better salesman than someone who believes he’s telling the truth.

& Earl: You’ve been scamming that poor man for three years? I can’t believe you’re not ashamed of yourself.
   Joy: If I had only fooled him once, it’d be shame on me, but I have fooled him a bunch of times, so, it’s shame on him.

--
On the Imdb.

My Name Is Earl 4x12

Reading Is a Fundamental Case

& Randy: There’s a bathtub in the living room!
   Earl: And he’s got outside plants growing on the inside...
   Raynard: I didn’t grow them on the inside, I just opened up the window and gave the plants a choice.
   Randy: And did you open the bathroom door and give the tub a choice or are you just crazy?
   Raynard: I’ll tell you what is crazy, is letting somebody tell you where you can put your tub.

& Randy: A globe is the Earth?!

& Earl: Let me handle this. We’re in a band. We’re opening for U2.
   — U2?
   Randy: Yeah, me, too.

& Earl: Hey, sugar. It’s my friend, Raynard.
   Joy: Who cares? I’m working my ass off to grow this baby and you’re out here having a party! I need peace and quiet. I mean, what if I’m doing something really important on the baby today? Like his brain or his weiner? You even care? I need a glass of Chablis!

---

& Earl: I got to put him on the list, Randy. When we were in trouble he let us crash at his place but when he need somewhere to stay, I didn’t help him.
   Randy: But that’s Joy’s fault! She was so mean when she was pregnant... and when she wasn’t.

& Earl: Come with us and see what you’ve missed. Remember how you used to like putting a lime in your beer? Well, now they make beer with the lime already in it. Crazy, huh?
   Randy: And everybody’s got a phone in their pocket, and a dog in their purse, and cars fly. Everybody’s rich!
   Earl: We don’t want to oversell it.

& Joy: What the hell is that idiot doing with a wild man tied up in the back of his car?
   Darnell: That Earl and his list. He gets himself in so many predicaments*.

& Earl: It was good to see Raynard back in his right mind again.
   Raynard: Married?! To a raccoon?!! Those must be some powerful berries!.. It was a girl raccoon, right?

& Earl: Sorry I got to take the Bookmobile back. You’re all right with the tent?
   Raynard: Yeah, man. Take it back. That thing’s way too restrictive. Besides, I already read or ate most of the books.

& Raynard: You hear that?..
   Earl: Hear what?
   Raynard: Exactly! That’s the sound of freedom.

& — Where did Trazan live?
   Earl: The story takes place in Africa. Which is down here. Or another way to look at it... is that it’s up here. Makes you think, doesn’t it?
   Randy: A map is also the Earth?!

--
predicaments — затруднения

On Imdb.

My Name Is Earl 4x11

Nature's Game Show

& Darnell: What’s this?
   Joy: We’re going to find out who’s smarter. I can beat you at any game. Pick one. Uno, Jacks, Twister...
   Darnell: Those aren’t about intellect.
   Joy: Fine. Operation... That’s a game made by doctors.

---

& Patty: Over here!
   Catalina: Oh, Randy!
   Patty: We need two men to repopulate the Earth.
   Earl: No, thanks.

& Joy: Damn it, it’s locked!
   Randy: Step aside! I’m invincible. ... I’m vincible!

--
+ more quotes on Imdb.

My Name Is Earl 4x10

Earl and Joy's Anniversary

& Randy: Good morning, Earl.
   Earl: Good morning, Randy.
   Randy: You know what team I’ve always wanted to join?.. The debate team.
   Earl: No, you haven’t.
   Randy: Yes, I have.
   Earl: No offense, but I don’t think you’d be very good at that.
   Randy: Yes, I would.
   Earl: I think debating is more than just saying the opposite of what the other person says.
   Randy: No, it isn’t.
   Earl: Yes, it is.
   Randy: No, it isn’t.
   Earl: This is stupid. I don’t want to talk about it anymore.
   Randy: ... I win.

& Randy: What’s your name again?
   Joy: Joy.
   Randy: You got a baby in there? That my brother’s baby?
   Joy: It is now.

& Joy: Don’t think I don’t hear you out there, Sasquatch! You better not be getting into my food in the fridge!
   Randy: I hate you, too, you bitchy old screech owl.

& Randy: I’m really sorry I made Joy mad at you, Earl. If you need a place to sleep tonight, my couch is your couch.
   Earl: Your couch is my couch, Randy.
   Randy: So, we agree.

---

& Joy: Who exactly did you invite to this party?
   Earl: Randy was more in charge of the guest list. Who’d we invite?
   Randy: People me and you know. Plus all of Joy’s friends. From her address book. “Guys I’ve phoned.”
   Earl: Randy, it says “Guys I’ve boned.”
   Randy: That’s a “B”?.. I thought it was an “F.”

& Patty: I don’t know who you are, but you better not be hooking because you are much prettier than me and I got a teenage son to put through hairdressing school.

& Randy: I made a little video I think some of you would like to see. It’s called “Earl and Joy”, high dot, low dot, “A Love Story.”

& Catalina: I can’t believe I’m gonna die a virgin. I was saving myself for marriage. I hope you’re impressed! And that you exist!
   Patty: I can’t believe I’m gonna die without giving it up for free. Just once I should’ve done that.
   Darnell: I’ve always wanted to try a threesome.
   Kenny: I’ve never kissed a man and I want to... Bad.

& Earl: What kind of man doesn’t know if he cares about his wife?..
   Randy: A man in a coma. Or a man who got married over the Internet and he hasn’t met his wife yet ’cause she’s being shipped here on a boat.

& Darnell: This never happened!

--
On Imdb.

My Name Is Earl 4x9

Sold a Guy a Lemon Car

& Earl: What do you see?
   Randy: It’s sort of a big, almond-shaped, white thing with sort of a... round, blue-greenish thing in the middle... It blinked. It’s an eye! He’s looking at us!!

& Joy: Hey, dimkoff! That’s German for dummy. Heard Colonel Klink say it to Hogan.

& Jane Seymour: You’ll have to win the science fair if you want to get the necklace.
   Joy: But how, Jane Seymour? I never understood science or chemistry or biology. You want to hear something funny?.. First time I used birth control pills, I put them inside me.

& Joy: Evolution! Jane Seymour wants me to disprove evolution!
   Darnell: It’s not porn if it’s on regular TV!!

& Joy: I’m going to prove that evolution’s a bunch of bull crap.
   Darnell: How are you going to do that?
   Joy: I’m gonna fill this up with water and put a fish in it, but its food is gonna be on this rock. When the fish gets hungry, he’s gonna have to grow legs and walk up here to eat. If he doesn’t, that proves there’s no evolution.

---

& Joy: Tampon, condom, pacifier... fish!
   Earl: Kind of small, don’t you think?
   Joy: Maybe for eating, but not for science.

& Joy: Y’all got homeless coming through here now? That’s why I tell Darnell to break bottles before to throw them away.

& Lloyd: You’re the one from the eye hole. Stay tuned.

& Earl: Look... not everybody is scum.
   Lloyd: Think about it. People are only good till they get screwed over. You screwed me. I screwed the next person, and I’m sure they screwed somebody else, and it just kept going down the line.
   Earl: But what if it didn’t? What if somebody, broke the chain and was honest about the car?
   Lloyd: Impossible.

& Escobar: That sneaky little bitch ripped me off, with her face like a wrinkled yam and her lies. What she did was wrong. Evil and wrong.
   Earl: What did you do with the car?
   Escobar: I sold it to the next sucker. Hey, welcome to America.

& Lloyd: What makes you think I was building a bomb?
   Earl: I don’t know, uh, all the talk about... how you wouldn’t have to put up with the scum of the Earth anymore.
   Lloyd: Yeah... ’cause I’m launching myself into outer space in my man made rocket ship! Bomb?.. What do you think, I’m crazy?
   Earl: I don’t know how to answer that.

--
On Imdb.

My Name Is Earl 4x8

Little Bad Voodoo Brother

& Randy: We tried pouring hot water over regular ice, but you know what happened?
   Darnell: It melted?
   Randy: You tried that, too, huh?

& Earl: Who’s that with Catalina?
   Darnell: That’s her nephew “o-Scar.”
   Randy: O-Scar, like Oscar, but with an “o.”

& Darnell: Her sister sent them to America for a vacation. He arrived yesterday. I swear I didn’t order this. Wait, are you a dishwasher?
   o-Scar: No.
   Darnell: Yeah, we didn’t order this.

& Darnell: The really sad part is the waybill said “Bananas, magazines, and little boy.” I can’t help but think someone at customs wasn’t doing their job.

---

& Randy: I wish I had a little brother... Thanks, Earl.
   Earl: Randy, you know it’s on my list. “Cost Randy a little brother.”
   Darnell: How’d you do that?
   Randy: Dad made mom get fixed after he caught Earl playing a game of “watch Randy in the washing machine.” I swallowed a lot of bleach. That’s why I can’t taste salt.
   Earl: I put it on the gentle cycle. You never tell that part of the story.

& Clerk in the “Big bros, little bros.” program: So... tell me a little bit about yourself, Randy.
   Randy: Well, I’m 31 and I live in a motel. I have three pairs of pants and five shirts, And, uh... that pretty much sums me up... Yeah. Oh, and this is my brother Earl.
   Earl: We’re very close. We even sleep in the same bed. B... But not in a weird way, just in a “there’s only one bed” way.
   Randy: Yeah, and we sleep facing out, so if anything touches, it’s our butts and not our wieners.

& Earl: Great decorations, Crab Man. That dead body in the front of the trailer park looks real.
   Darnell: What dead body?
   Earl: The one the kids are jumping on.
   Darnell: I’ll be right back.

& Earl: Who are you supposed to be?
   Joy: Barbie... Can’t you tell? Taped my nipples down so my boobies are smooth.

& Joy: He’s full of voodoo. You get him out of here before it starts raining blood or he forces us to eat jerk chicken.
   Earl: Joy, he’s just a kid.
   Joy: As was the Omen, the Exorcist and all them >children of the corn. The devil likes them young. Probably gets in through that soft spot on their skull.

& Joy: Remember, Reverend, disco’s bad. I’ll be your alibi, you be mine. We were at the library.

--
On Imdb.